Any parent will tell you that stubbornness and children are practically inseparable. Children tend to be particularly stubborn around the time they start walking and during adolescence, but stubbornness can occur at any age. Sometimes it is part of one's personality, so a parent has the role of teaching how to manage it. In other cases, it is simply a way to test limits and assert one's independence. Sometimes, however, a little boy has a hard time verbally formulating what is happening to him. Teaching him to express himself and to deal with stress in a healthy way is essential to effectively discipline him. To do this, keep calm, listen to him, understand him, and set a good example by behaving in the right way.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Disciplining Infants and Toddlers
Step 1. Learn to understand babies and toddlers
The first three years of life are considered critical to a child's development, as the brain is constantly growing and learning, storing information that it will use for the rest of its life. Childlike behaviors that appear stubborn or even spiteful are completely natural processes. These allow the child to understand cause-and-effect relationships.
For example, if you have a habit of simply saying "No" or making an angry expression every time your child misbehaves, it is possible for the child to repeat what he or she did simply to see if your reaction remains the same. By changing your response to his behavior, the child will understand that he does not always get the response he expects and will try to have different attitudes
Step 2. Change the environment
If your child stubbornly touches the same crystal vase every day or insists on getting into the kitchen cabinets, don't punish or discipline him - rearrange the house in order to make it safe and accessible for his needs. After all, it is also his home, not to mention that he can learn best when he is able to explore the spaces around him.
- Children learn by exploring and it is not their intention to be spiteful. Move fragile objects and make the house "childproof". Don't try to repress behaviors that are normal for learning purposes. Read this article to find out more.
- As your child grows, you will need to make new changes to the house. The goal is to structure the surrounding environment so that your child is always protected, while at the same time giving him the opportunity to learn and play without risk. You should start childproofing the house before it starts moving on its own (usually around 9 or 10 months).
Step 3. Learn to say yes
Many children are constantly being told no and rarely have the opportunity to do what they want. Once your home is safe, make it your goal to say yes as often as possible, as long as it's not dangerous. If you say yes, you will allow him to take responsibility for his learning experiences and explore everything that interests him.
Let him spend time outdoors doing manual chores or have him splash around in the bathtub. The creative activities that allow him to express himself from the physical point of view help him to discharge the accumulated energies. As a result, the baby will sleep better, thus becoming more obedient and less stubborn
Step 4. Get his attention
If the child is about to do an action that they shouldn't do, call them by name and divert their attention to an effective toy or distraction. Keep several items handy for this purpose, so you can use them when needed.
For example, before going out, pack a hardcover book, snack, or toy. Keep it hidden until needed. If you go to a friend's house and the child tries to touch an electric cable, call him and ask him if he wants his favorite football. This will likely grab his attention and distract him from other things
Step 5. Teach him to be gentle
Many children of this age tend to hit, bite or kick. They do this to see what kind of reaction they get, not to hurt the person, whether it's you or someone else. It is important to teach them to interact with people in a safe way.
- When the child hits you, grab the hand he used to hit you, look him in the eye and say, "We don't have to hit. We have to be gentle." Then, still holding his hand, pass it gently over your arm or face (or anywhere else it hit). Tell him, "The hands must be delicate. See? Delicate." You can also use your hand to gently touch him, demonstrating the difference between hitting and being gentle. Use this same technique to teach him to interact safely with pets and younger children.
- You can also try reading him a simple hardcover book on this subject to shape proper behavior.
Method 2 of 4: Disciplining Older Children and Pre-adolescents
Step 1. Discipline is a form of teaching
Instead of reacting to wrong behavior with negative consequences (punishment), discipline allows you to turn wrong behavior into a learning opportunity. If the child refuses to cooperate or repeats the same actions, your ultimate goal should be to teach him to cooperate and not make the same mistakes again.
The consequences for misbehavior shouldn't be unjustified or harsh. They should be related to the action itself. This is why the method of retribution (the so-called time-out) is often very ineffective with stubborn children. In fact, it has nothing to do with actual behavior: it is more a punishment than a consequence or disciplinary measure. If it is impossible to implement consequences, you can take a privilege away from him. In any case, the lesson you give him must be related to the choice he made and which cost him the loss of a certain benefit. For example, the child plays video games more than he should. As a result, you can take away the privilege of playing with his friends for an afternoon. On the other hand, if he has neglected other commitments due to video games, he will have to recover, so he will not even have time to see his friends
Step 2. Practice the consequences
If you say that a certain behavior will lead to a certain consequence, don't break your word. Do not make empty threats, otherwise your child will think you are inconsistent (at best) or a liar (at worst).
- If you tell him he has to order his room before he can go to his friend, don't turn a blind eye when you notice that he is about to leave without first having done his duty. The secret lies in consistency.
- Since consistency is very important, it is crucial to avoid defining consequences that are not feasible. It is often better not to be impulsive, because otherwise the affirmations you make could be dictated by frustration. For example, if you find yourself saying "If you do it again, then I …", you are probably already demoralized and predisposed to overreact. Instead, try to impose limits in advance. If you know your child often gets up while you eat dinner, you should tell them before you sit down to sit down. Explain to him what the consequences will be if he does not do this (for example, you will send him to bed without dinner or you will not give him dessert).
Step 3. Create good habits
Structure and predictability are important for children and preteens - it helps them understand what to expect and avoid inconveniences throughout the day. Establish daily and weekly rituals so your child knows what's going to happen. Additionally, a consistent daily routine will improve your behavior and academic performance.
- Determine specific times to wake up and go to bed, then make a commitment to have them observed every day. Make sure your baby gets enough sleep, as sleep deprivation is associated with behavioral problems. From ages 3 to 12, nearly all children need 10-12 hours of sleep (including naps), but many refuse to go to bed early and take afternoon naps, even if they actually do. If your child seems irritable or tends to rebel when bedtime approaches, this is a sign that he is not sleeping as much as he should.
- If you need to change the routine, notify him well in advance, but reassure him that you will recover it as soon as possible.
Step 4. Watch your reactions
Many stubborn kids are quite sensitive, and when a parent tries to impose certain disciplinary measures, they pay particular attention to his attitude and tone of voice. They will likely mimic your responses, such as rolling their eyes, sighing, screaming, or getting exasperated.
- When faced with a stubborn kid, it's common for a parent to feel frustrated and even angry. The key is to control these emotions and not let them affect how you interact with your child.
- Pay attention to the factors that make you lose your temper when it comes to your child. Maybe you get angry easily because he's messy, responds badly to you, or doesn't obey. The aspects that discourage you most often are related to areas of your life that you feel you cannot control. Addressing your problems (whether they are related to your job, your childhood, or your other relationships, such as your marital one) can help you react more positively.
Step 5. Learn to negotiate
Older generations of parents were told never to give in to pressure from their children, for fear that this would lead them to become disrespectful and forget who the authority was. However, according to today's psychologists, children must feel that they are at least partially in control of their own lives. Therefore, parents shouldn't try to dominate them to make every single decision. When a choice is not strictly about the child's health or safety, but is more about an opinion or a preference, you can allow him to do as he sees fit.
For example, you may prefer your child to dress more nicely before going out, but he may have a different idea about trends and comforts. The important thing is that he goes around dressed. When it comes to aspects that don't matter that much, but that can allow them to exercise that control they lack so much, choose your battles wisely
Step 6. Understand pre-adolescence
Sometimes, around the age of 10 or 11, children begin going through hormonal changes that lead to puberty. They often cause disruptive emotions, unexpected stubborn behavior, and sometimes distancing.
- At this age, kids often test the limits of their independence. It's part of growth, so it's normal and healthy. However, it can be frustrating for a parent who has always been used to being in control. The little boy must feel that he can at least partially control the decisions that directly affect him, so let him help plan the weekly menu or choose his new haircut.
- Remember that your child is first and foremost an individual. Stubbornness can be an integral part of a complex personality, among other things it can be a positive trait. Since you can teach him to stand up for himself, stand up for his friends, resist bad influences, and always do the right thing, stubbornness will play a vital role in helping him become a healthy human being.
Method 3 of 4: Disciplining Teens
Step 1. Understand the stage of puberty
Teenagers go through huge hormonal changes. Their interpersonal lives are characterized by acute stress. This is due to blossoming loves, suffering friendships, bullying and a greater sense of independence. Unfortunately, they haven't reached the right emotional maturity. Their brains are still developing, so they are unable to fully understand the long-term consequences of their behaviors. These factors cause the formation of an unstable environment for many parents of adolescents, who continually struggle with their children's stubborn and rebellious attitudes.
The stage of puberty lasts several years, so it is not an experience that ends in a short time. Usually, it starts around 10-14 for girls and 12-16 for boys. During this time, it is normal for both sexes to witness behavioral changes
Step 2. Determine clear limits and consequences
Just as with children, adolescents can develop better in an environment that sets clear expectations and boundaries from a behavioral point of view. Many test these limitations, but they need consistency from parents. Establish and enforce family rules that have well-defined consequences.
- Your child can help establish rules and consequences. Then, put them in writing. This will make him realize that you take his opinions seriously and that behaving well is his personal responsibility. For example, if you run out of credit on your mobile phone because it has used up all your data, the consequence could be to pay for a recharge yourself or not to use the phone for a week.
- Be consistent, but willing to adapt to different situations. If your rules and their consequences don't work for your family, invite your child to consider other solutions. Also, if the kid is responsible and respectful, be willing to relax a bit (for example, let him stay out late for a special event).
Step 3. Take a break
For a parent, the teenage years can be particularly difficult psychologically. Unstable and emotional teens often do and say certain things for the purpose of hurting the people they love and provoking a reaction. However, yelling at yourself and letting emotions spiral out of control is counterproductive for those intending to take effective disciplinary measures.
- Prepare the answers in advance. If your child tends to hurt you with words when you argue, work out your reactions in time to avoid replying in the same tone. For example, you can simply tell him, "Your words hurt me. Let's take a break and talk about this once we calm down."
- If necessary, take a break. If you feel overwhelmed during an argument, explain that you need to stop for a moment and resume the conversation later. Make sure you really do it: once you have cleared your mind, invite him to continue, so as to let him know that you do not leave any questions unanswered.
Step 4. If you observe destructive behavior, ask for help
If it is not a matter of mere stubbornness, indeed, if his behavior leads him to harm himself or others, it is essential to ask for help from a professional.
A psychologist can help determine what to do with a self-destructive or otherwise difficult teenager who may be experiencing the first signs of a mental disorder or a condition such as depression
Method 4 of 4: Understanding the Discipline
Step 1. Learn to distinguish the difference between punishment and discipline
A parent's job is to train a successful, kind and healthy adult, not just to manage his child's behaviors on a daily basis. Discipline should be seen as an educational tool that teaches them to regulate their behaviors, so that one day they can manage them on their own.
- Punishing means using painful and unpleasant words or experiences with the goal of ending unwanted behavior. This can include physical (such as spanking), emotional or verbal punishment (such as telling him he is stupid or you don't love him), imposing punishment, and / or refusing to give rewards. Physical and emotional punishment is cruel, plus your child will end up thinking that you are unreliable and that he is worthless. Many times, these lead to abuse and are illegal. Never resort to physical or emotional punishment.
- Punishing your child for breaking rules is usually not effective in giving them useful life lessons. Instead, it only generates bitterness towards you and in some cases it will backfire, causing him to rebel even more.
- On the other hand, discipline helps a boy to learn life lessons. He is taught how to solve problems, collaborate with others, and ultimately achieve his goals by getting what he wants the right way.
Step 2. Understand the role the home environment plays
A stressful, tense, or unstable home life can contribute to behavioral problems, with attitudes that often mimic those of one's brothers, sisters and parents. In a precarious environment, a certain lack of control is often felt.
- Homes filled with noise, crowding, clutter, and general chaos tend to cause unstable behavior, hyperactivity, and poor attention.
- Similarly, children who experience stressful events (such as moving to a new home, the birth of a baby brother, a separation or divorce) are more likely to experience academic and behavioral difficulties. They often behave in a rebellious and stubborn way.
- If you want your disciplinary methods to be effective, addressing the environmental factors that contribute to these behaviors is key. After all, disciplining a child for just one day is not enough. If environmental variables continue to cause him to behave incorrectly, the problem will persist.
Step 3. Learn to distinguish between bad personalities and behaviors
Some guys are naturally more strong-willed than others. In fact, their personality triggers the need to exercise more control in daily life. Others are obedient, but they may misbehave to get attention or because they feel frustrated in other areas of their life. Determining the cause of your child's stubbornness can help you deal with it.
- Stubborn kids by nature respond best to consistency, while they don't respond as well to long, wordy explanations about their mistakes. They often misbehave in front of their parents' reactions, so stay calm and try not to respond to provocations.
- More severe cases of stubbornness, anger, or sudden mood swings could be symptoms of a mental condition, such as oppositional defiant disorder (DOP). It can be treated with psychotherapy and sometimes with medicines, in order to control the chemical changes that cause certain shots.
Step 4. Learn to ask why
Regardless of age, your child can behave in a stubborn way when he has problems physically or emotionally, or when he faces a situation that is beyond his control. Perhaps he is feeling helpless, in pain, exhausted or hungry, or frustrated. If he is stubborn, you can simply ask him, "What's wrong with you?" Listen to his answer. Some factors to consider:
- Physiological growth can be a particularly troublesome experience at all ages. In the first years of life, teething is dealt with, which can be quite unpleasant, while older children can have growing pains in the legs, headaches or stomach.
- Children often don't get enough sleep. More and more research shows that today's kids are real zombies. Other studies state that emotional regulation can be affected even after a single night of poor quality sleep.
- Physiological demands, such as thirst or hunger, can make kids of all ages seem difficult and stubborn, but this happens because the body and mind need fuel to deal with these situations.
- Sometimes kids can seem stubborn because their emotional needs are not being met. Also, this can happen when they feel frustrated because they can't express their emotions.
Advice
- Know when to back off. If a stubborn child refuses to wear a coat and it freezes outside, don't insist. Eventually he will be cold and will understand for himself that in these climatic conditions it is necessary to put him on. Just make sure you bring it with you: he can wear it when he needs it and he will learn from this experience.
- If your child is behaving in a strangely stubborn way, talk to him and try to figure out if a new source of stress has arisen at school or at home that is causing this behavior.
