An educational strategy is effective when it allows a parent or guardian to shape a child's behavior until desired results are achieved. The purpose of any disciplinary action should be to establish order and promote good moral conduct. Although there are many different ways to implement the correction, some strategies have been found to be more effective than others, so it is very important to read up on how to educate your child in the most appropriate way. Surely the use of violence is not.
Steps
Part 1 of 5: Understanding the Risks
Step 1. Find out about the laws in force in the country where you live
Spanking is prohibited in over 50 countries, including by parents. Depending on where you live, it may be illegal to spank your child and, as a result, you could face criminal consequences.
Step 2. Keep in mind that spanking is associated with worsening behavior
More than 50 years of research has shown that spanking is linked to worsening behavioral problems and an increased risk of mental health problems, antisocial behaviors and cognitive impairment as the child grows. Consequently, the opposite result is more likely to be achieved.
Children who are spanked at home are more likely to see beating as an acceptable way to resolve conflicts with their siblings and other children
Step 3. Understand that the impact of spanking can last until the child becomes an adult
Research has shown that adults who have been spanked as children have a high risk of:
- Mental health problems
- Criminal behavior
- Poor social skills
- Abuses on spouses and children
- Lower morality
- Shorter life
Step 4. Understand that spanking could ruin your relationship with the baby
Research has shown that spanking, just like other forms of violence, damages the bond between parent and child.
- Your child may become less inclined to ask you for advice on their problems
- He may start doing things secretly, to avoid getting caught
- He might think you don't love him
- He may try to avoid your presence, maybe do extra-curricular activities or stay with friends, because he feels safer being with people who don't beat him
- He may withdraw into himself and behave less lovingly in your presence
- They may also begin to be afraid of you
Part 2 of 5: Resorting to Spanking Only as a Last Chance
Step 1. Find a secluded spot
Imposing this type of punishment in a secluded place protects your child's dignity and avoids unnecessary embarrassing situations. Focus on education without causing further inconvenience.
- Most child psychologists categorically reject spanking as an educational method under any circumstances. However, some parents believe that this is the best way to make children respect the rules. Regardless of your opinion, it is clear that spanking has some negative consequences, so it should be used rarely and only to prevent your child from committing actions that could put his or her safety at risk.
- Make sure that no siblings or other children are present when you spank your child.
- If you are in a public place you should take your child to a secluded place away from prying eyes.
Step 2. Tell your child why you are spanking him
It is important that he understands why he is being punished, so that he learns to distinguish the right behaviors from the wrong ones. Try to use all forms of discipline, including spanking, as an opportunity to teach him and not just as punishment.
- Make sure you use language appropriate for his age and that your child understands you when you explain the consequences.
- For example, you might say, "Paolo, you were running around the house with scissors and you risked bumping into your brother. I already warned you not to, so now you deserve a spanking."
- Whenever possible, warn your child before proceeding with the spanking. This will give him the opportunity to change his attitude to avoid punishment.
Step 3. Have a younger child lie sideways on your knees with the lower back facing up
This position allows you to spank him without hurting him. Older children can stand upright with their back to you.
Make sure your child is dressed, as spanking on bare skin can cause bruises and other trauma
Step 4. Spank your child on the backside with an open hand and limiting your strength
Spanking should never cause bruising or other marks of any kind. The goal is to get your child to behave better, not to hurt him.
- You should never use any objects to spank your son and you should limit yourself to three or four spankings on his butt.
- Never spank your child when you are particularly angry. You should only act after you have calmed down to avoid accidentally injuring him.
Step 5. Allow your child to resume their normal activities
When you finish spanking him, he will most likely be upset. Give him a chance to calm down. Let him know that when he feels ready he can resume his normal activities.
For example, you might say, "I understand you are upset. When this is over, you can go back downstairs."
Part 3 of 5: Establishing the Rules
Step 1. Establish family rules
Make sure you and your partner or your child's father approve the same rules. It is very important that everyone is on the same wavelength about the educational methods to be adopted, so that children do not take advantage of them to create tensions between parents or whoever takes their place.
- You can involve your children in setting some rules. It is important that they feel involved in family decisions, but don't hesitate to be adamant on the most important issues. For example, if your teen has to be home by 11pm, don't allow him to argue to get a 2am curfew.
- It is important that you communicate your expectations about your child's behavior to other relatives, the babysitter and anyone who takes care of them outside the family context. If your child's caregiver cannot or does not want to comply with your guidelines, then you should consider entrusting them to someone whose ideas are more in line with yours.
Step 2. Explain the rules to your children
Once you have established rules, it is very important that you are clear about expectations so that they are clearly understood. Make sure you do this when your children are calm and try to use easily understandable language. Trying to explain your expectations when the child is upset or tired won't help you much. You too should be calm and rested when addressing the subject.
- Make sure the rules are consistent and specific to avoid misunderstandings. For example, it is preferable to tell your 10-year-old to be home by 7 rather than before dark.
- Make sure the rules are clear in advance. Instead of discussing them after they are transgressed, explain them first, even if it means being repetitive. For example, before you get to the pool, you might say, "When we're in the pool we have to walk."
- Try to formulate the rules in the affirmative. For example, it is preferable that you say: "When we are in the pool we have to walk" instead of "Do not run in the pool".
Step 3. Always apply the rules
Be consistent so your children can understand them clearly. If you enforce them sporadically, you will confuse your children. This confusion will prevent them from understanding exactly your expectations and limitations. Therefore, if the rule requires that your child be home by 7, if he calls you asking you to stay at his friend's house, remind him to respect the rule.
If no rule has previously been established for a particular behavior, then it is important to take the time to establish the rule and clarify it after engaging in the unwanted behavior
Step 4. Avoid arguing about the rules with your children
This does not mean indulging their every whim, but avoiding situations with no way out. If you have clarified the rules and your child continues to fight for the win, it is okay to interrupt the conversation. The rule is still valid, but you have distanced yourself from the discussion.
- For example, if your preteen son yells, "It's not fair, Carlo is out of the house until 10", you can simply answer him by saying, "I know very well." Or if your teenage son keeps protesting about driving to a party his school throws, you might say "What did I tell you?" or "I said no", with no further explanation.
- This approach should only be adopted after you have explained the rules to your child, but they still try to negotiate to achieve their goals: it reduces power struggles and helps clarify the rules of the game.
Part 4 of 5: Evaluating the Consequences
Step 1. Reinforce positive behavior
Establish the behaviors you want to achieve and reward them. Your child was not born already knowing what is right or wrong. As a parent, it is up to you to educate them and forge their character, so it is essential that you identify the behaviors you desire and reinforce them. Rewarding positive behaviors with positive consequences is much more effective than implementing negative consequences for bad behavior.
- Rewards for positive behavior should be consistent with your behavior. Verbal praise works well for most positive behaviors, while the biggest rewards should be reserved for more important milestones. For example, a report card with all 10 would deserve a dinner out to celebrate.
- You could use a coin system as a positive reinforcement. It would allow your child to earn points or small tokens every time he engages in proper behavior over the course of the week. At the end of the week he can "swap" tokens or accumulate points for a bigger prize.
Step 2. Ignore monotonous or routine behaviors that do no harm to your child or others
On the contrary, show your approval when he takes the attitude you want and you will see constant progress. If you do not attach any weight to his negative behavior, your child, feeling deprived of your attention, will have no reason to continue; in this way he will tend not to repeat the incorrect behavior and will be encouraged to assume the desired one.
- For example, if you want your child to stop having tantrums, ignore them and wait for them to calm down and behave themselves before responding to their requests.
- Just ignore behaviors that don't harm your child or other people.
Step 3. Identify the reason for his behavior
There will be times when your child misbehaves - and most of the time it is normal for his age. If you can find out why he is misbehaving, you can prevent it from happening again in the future. Remember that there are generally four reasons for his inappropriate behavior: to feel important, because he feels inferior, to attract the attention of others, or to take revenge.
- If your child is misbehaving because he feels helpless, then you may want to offer him a chance to assert his power. For example, you can let them choose what clothes to wear to school or what to eat for breakfast.
- If your child is feeling inadequate, you may be able to help him identify his strengths and allow him to participate in the activities he does best to strengthen his self-esteem.
- Attention-grabbing behavior can be easily remedied by giving him all your attention and praising him whenever he behaves well. If you give him your attention before he acts badly, he will tend to have fewer tantrums to draw attention to himself.
- If your child wants revenge, it is important that you sit down and explain to him in an age-appropriate manner how to better manage his anger. For example, you might say, "I understand that you are upset and I am sorry that your brother has sent you into a rage. However, it is not fair to react with violence: use dialogue and come and talk to me or dad."
Step 4. Evaluate whether a natural consequence is appropriate
A natural consequence is the inevitable result of his own behavior, therefore it is the inevitable conclusion of his actions and is not imparted by the parents. For example, the natural consequence of your child not putting his stained uniform in the laundry basket is that he finds it dirty on match day. If the natural consequence is appropriate, let your child suffer it. Sometimes the natural consequences are the most effective lesson.
- Natural consequences should ONLY be allowed if your child is not in danger of harming himself. For example, you will not have to let your child touch the lit stove to prevent him from getting burned.
- After the natural consequence has occurred, try to explain to your child why it happened. For example, you might say, "Paul, you didn't put your clothes in the laundry basket, so your uniform isn't clean for today's game."
Step 5. Establish a logical consequence
If the natural consequence is not appropriate, then you should consider a logical consequence, which occurs as the result of a child's behavior, but is imposed by a parent or caregiver. The most effective logical consequences should be related to behavior and not be overly severe or so irrelevant that they have no effect on the child.
- Here is a great example of a logical consequence: if you find yourself constantly telling your child not to leave his bike on the boulevard, you could tell him: "Paolo, if your bike is on the boulevard it prevents me from entering the courtyard when I get back from work.. Even worse, if I didn't see it, I could accidentally run it over. Next time I'll store it in the garage and you won't be able to use it for two days. " This consequence is preferable to one that is unrelated to behavior like "You can't watch TV for two days", to an overly strict one like "You can't go to your friend's house for a month" or too insignificant like "You will have to go out for move it when I honk ".
- Never disrespect him and avoid judging him when you implement the consequences. For example, it is better to say, "I know you are really excited about going on a trip with your friend, however you have to clean your room before you leave. and I'm not your maid. Clean your room immediately or you won't go anywhere."
- Allowing your child to help you choose the consequence can be helpful. For example, you might say, "You were running around the house and you broke the mirror. How do you plan to make up for your mistake?" Or you could say "Paolo, if you are going out you have to wear sneakers. If you want to keep the new ones then you have to stay at home. It's up to you to decide."
Step 6. Trust the consequences
Do not allow your child to find ways to escape your measures. After the rule is broken, the consequence should be implemented immediately. You have given your child a chance to choose the consequence, so he should take responsibility for his own choices. It is very important to stick to all the measures you have decided to take.
Part 5 of 5: Using Time-Out for Preschool Children
Step 1. Warn your child
If the little one cannot control himself, as sometimes happens to most children, start by warning him. Make sure the warning is clear and in understandable language. You might say, "Paul, if you hit your friend again, I'll put you on time-out."
Step 2. Accompany him to the time-out area
If the misbehavior persists, take your child to the time-out corner, which is a quiet place free of distractions such as television, toys and other children.
- It may be useful to have a set space in your home or in other places that you usually frequent. This way you will avoid the additional frustration of finding a suitable place at the last moment.
- Make sure you explain to your child the reason for the time-out and try to judge his behavior, rather than the child. For example, you might say "It's not correct to hit Matthew" instead of "You're brat to hit Matthew".
Step 3. Order your child to be silent for the allotted time
Most experts agree that the most appropriate time-out period is one minute for each year of a child's age. So, if your child is three, he should be on time-out for three minutes, while if he is four, the time-out should last for four minutes, and so on.
- Your child may refuse to remain silent and this is completely normal for a preschooler. If he refuses to sit still, hold him firmly but gently from your shoulders. You might even try to keep it on your lap.
- Conversely, some parents prefer to take a break when their child takes a challenging attitude. This could simply mean telling the child that you need a break and then staying in the same room so as not to lose sight of him, but not responding to his provocations.
Step 4. Return to normal activities
Have your child resume positive activity after completing the recommended break period. If he is still downcast or agitated, it may be helpful to give him extra time to calm down. Let him know that he is free to return to other activities as soon as he stops crying or engaging in any misconduct.
Advice
- Be a good example by engaging in appropriate behavior. Children learn more by emulating their parents.
- Never punish him for his accidental mistakes. Children must learn to gain their autonomy without fear of being judged for occasional and unavoidable accidents.
- Make sure you always explain to your child the reason behind your action or the natural consequences.
- Don't give in just because you're afraid of putting your child's peace of mind at risk. Remember that children benefit from imposing appropriate limits and consequences.
- It is preferable to wait until the child is old enough to understand the concept of time-out before starting to apply this disciplinary technique. The right age to start is around three years old. Furthermore, the time-out should only be applied if you show aggression towards others, for example by punching, biting, beating, etc.
Warnings
- Most experts argue that spanking is not a very effective disciplinary method. In fact, it has been shown that sometimes it encourages them to assume even more incorrect behaviors and that it weighs on the psyche of children and their subsequent emotional development, reflect on the enormous risks compared to the very limited immediate benefits of spanking. Therefore, following modern psychology, systems such as positive encouragement or sanctions such as the removal of certain privileges are much more effective.
- There are laws that control or prohibit spanking in some states. Spanking a child is illegal in Albania, Austria, Benin, Brazil, Bolivia, Bulgaria, Cape Verde, Congo, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cyprus, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, Germany, Greece, Greenland, Hungary, Iceland, Israel, Kenya, Latvia, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, New Zealand, Norway, Netherlands, Peru, Poland, Portugal, Republic of Ireland, Republic of Moldova, Romania, San Marino, Spain, South Sudan, Sweden, Togo, Tunisia, Ukraine, Uruguay, Venezuela.
- As far as Italy is concerned, the Court of Cassation in 1996 declared all forms of corporal punishment illegitimate, but this prohibition has not yet been implemented by the law, however the courts have a very severe jurisprudence. For physical punishments, even if only threatened, several courts have deprived the parents of the podestà, deciding the placement of minors in institutions or foster families. It is important to underline that following dramatic news stories, the Italian judges are extremely strict with parents who also resort to light physical punishment.
