Punishing a child is never easy. We all prefer to give our children only love and affection, because we love them. But if you want to make your child understand the difference between right and wrong and you want him to gain self-control and have good manners, you will need to learn to punish him in the right way, no matter how difficult it is. Follow these tips to do this, while staying calm and without ruining the relationship with your child.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Part 1: Being a Good Discipliner
Step 1. Be consistent
If you want your child to be disciplined, you will need to exercise consistent rules and have realistic expectations as a parent. If your child knows that you neglect his bad behaviors when you are tired, distracted or if you feel pity for him, he will not learn to act appropriately on all occasions. While it can be difficult to have consistent expectations, especially at the end of a long day, this is the only way to get your child to take you seriously and understand your guidelines.
- When you have decided on a discipline method, always use it. For example, if every time your child breaks a toy, he has to earn a new one by helping with the housework, don't avoid punishing him because one day you feel too good.
- Be consistent even in public. While this is easier said than done, if you don't normally let your child eat at McDonald's more than once a month, don't give him a break just because he's throwing a tantrum in public. While it can be embarrassing to put up with his whims, it is best not to let your child know that "shows" will be enough to get what he wants.
- If you are raising your child alongside your wife or partner, you will need to present a united front to your child and use consistent methods of discipline. Do not use the "good cop and bad cop" technique, or the child will end up preferring one parent to the other, and this could cause problems in the relationship as a couple and with the child.
Step 2. Respect your child
Remember that this is a human being, however young he may be or however frustrated you may be. If you want your child to respect your authority, you will need to respect the fact that your child is a human being, not perfect, has his or her own needs and wants, and still needs love and consideration from his parents. Here's what to do:
- If you are very angry with your child for his behavior, wait and let your temper before you say anything. If you walk into the living room and find that your child has spilled a glass of coke on the new white carpet, don't punish your child right away, or you may scream and say something you'll regret.
- Don't offend your child, or you could lower his self-esteem and make him feel worse. Instead of saying "You're so stupid", you can say "Does this seem like a smart thing to do?"
- Try to avoid behaving inappropriately and having to apologize later.
- Give your child a good role model. Act the way you want him to behave, or you won't give him clear signals.
Step 3. Be empathetic
This does not mean being understanding. It means being able to put yourself in your child's shoes, and to understand his or her difficulties, problems and feelings that determine his behavior. Being too understanding means feeling sorry for your child when he is upset and misbehaving, and wanting to save him from his problems. Here's how to show your empathy:
- Talk to your child about his or her feelings. If your daughter broke her favorite doll after being aggressive, sit down with her and tell her she understands that she is angry about breaking her favorite toy. Let her know that even if her behavior is inappropriate, you still understand that she is upset.
- Try to understand the reasons for your child's bad behavior. Maybe your child is playing with food at a family dinner because he is bored, as he has no one his age to talk to; maybe he's throwing a tantrum because his father is away on business.
Step 4. Communicate your expectations
It is important to let your child know which behaviors are considered "bad", and what the consequences are for those behaviors. When your child is old enough to understand your requests, you should make it clear that if he takes action, he will always face the same consequences. Here's how to do it:
- If you are experimenting with a new method of discipline, explain it to your child before he misbehaves, or he will be confused at the time of punishment.
- Spend time talking to your child about his good and bad attitudes. If he is old enough, make him feel included in the evaluation of his actions, and talk to him openly about your expectations.
- If your child is old enough, they can choose their own reward for doing well.
Step 5. Be authoritative and not authoritarian
An authoritative parent sets clear expectations and consequences, but still shows his love and affection for his children. He is a flexible person and discusses problems and solutions with his children. This is the best way to raise a child, even if it is difficult to adopt in all circumstances. Even an authoritarian parent sets clear expectations and consequences, but does not show much affection to the child and does not explain the reasons for his behavior. This can make the child feel unloved, and therefore may not understand the importance of some rules.
- You should also avoid being a permissive parent. Don't let your children do whatever they want because you love them too much to say no, because you don't have the strength to punish them, or because you believe they will learn to discipline themselves as they grow up.
- Being a permissive parent may be easier, but it can negatively impact a child, especially affecting adulthood or adolescence. A teenager or an adult who believes he can do whatever he wants, will have to abruptly get used to a different reality in everyday life.
Step 6. Consider your child's age and temperament
No two children are alike, and it is important to consider who your child really is when giving certain punishments. As the years go by, you should adopt punishments that are more suitable for a mature child; similarly, you should avoid giving too much "adult" punishment to a small child. Here's what to do:
- If your child is talkative and sociable, find a way to accept their behavior. While you can punish your child for talking out of the way, you shouldn't try to turn your child into a quiet, shy child.
- If your child is extremely sensitive, you shouldn't tolerate this tendency too much, but respect their need for affection from time to time.
- If your child is between 0 and 2 years old, you can eliminate the objects that trigger their negative behaviors from the home, and say "no" firmly when they have wrong attitudes. For infants, "punishment" can be an effective way to let them know that they have done wrong.
- If your child is between 3 and 5 years old, he is old enough to tell him which attitudes to avoid before they happen. Also remember to tell him what the right behavior is. For example, "You shouldn't bully other kids on the playground. Instead, you should be kind and understanding, and you'll have more fun."
- Children between the ages of 6 and 8 can understand the negative consequences of their behavior. They will understand that if they get dirty on the carpet, they will have to help you clean it.
- Children between the ages of 9 and 12 can learn from the natural consequences of their behavior. For example, if your child doesn't finish his homework, he'll get a bad grade.
Method 2 of 2: Part 2: Try Different Discipline Methods
Step 1. Teach your child about natural consequences
If your child realizes that his wrong behaviors naturally have unpleasant consequences for him, he will learn to avoid attitudes that cause him sadness and guilt. Instead of "saving" your child in some situations, let them tackle problems on their own. A child should be at least six years old to learn discipline with this concept.
- If your child broke a toy or ruined it because he left it outside in the rain, don't buy him a new one right away. Leave the baby without a toy for a while, and he will learn to take better care of his things.
- Teach the child about responsibility. If your child hasn't finished homework because he was too busy watching television, let him face the disappointment of a bad grade instead of rushing to help him finish them.
- If your child hasn't been invited to another child's birthday because of his bad behavior, let him know that he would have been invited if he had a different attitude.
Step 2. Teach your child the logical consequences
It is the consequences you establish that will follow your child's bad behavior. They should be directly related to each mistake so that your child learns not to repeat them. Also you should clarify them in time. Here are some examples:
- If your child doesn't put his toys away, he won't be able to use them for a week.
- If he watches something inappropriate on TV, he will no longer be able to watch it for a week.
- If he doesn't respect you or the other parent, he won't be able to play with his friends until he learns the importance of respect.
Step 3. Teach your child positive methods of discipline
Positive discipline is a method of getting your child to a positive conclusion that can help them understand their inappropriate behaviors and avoid them in the future. To use this method, you will need to sit down with your child and discuss his behavior and next steps with him.
- If your child lost his ball because he was irresponsible, sit down with him and try to understand why it happened. Then ask him what he could do without the ball, and how he can play without it. He could play with a friend's ball until he has "earned" another ball. Help him understand the consequences of his behavior and work with him to find a solution.
- For proponents of this method, "punishment" is considered a place that makes the child feel angry and ashamed, but does not make him understand his bad behavior and does not help him improve. In this method, instead of punishing a child by putting him or her in punishment, a period of reflection is used in a place filled with pillows or your child's favorite toys, until he is ready to discuss his behavior. This is to teach children an important skill: to master emotions and take time to reflect instead of acting on impulse.
Step 4. Create a reward system for your child
You should also anticipate positive consequences for cases in which your child will behave well. Don't forget that reinforcing pleasant behaviors is as important as punishing inappropriate ones. Showing your child how to behave will help them understand what they shouldn't do.
- A reward can be a simple treat for something well done. If your child knows that he will be able to eat ice cream after finishing the vegetables, he will do so more willingly.
- You and your child can decide the rewards together when appropriate. If your child wants a new toy, you can tell him that he will have to be kind and respectful to his parents for a full month to get it.
- Don't use rewards to "force" your child to behave well. Your child should understand if a behavior is right or wrong, and not just pretend to be nice to have a toy.
- Praise your child as much as possible when he or she behaves well. Don't make your child remember only your reproaches.
Step 5. Avoid lecturing, threats and spanking
These methods are not effective, and can lead your child to hate or ignore you and can hurt him psychologically and physically. This is why these methods are not recommended:
- Children tend not to pay attention to reproaches that have no meaning. If you're scolding your child because he shouldn't have lost his toy, but you've already bought him a new one, he'll understand that your words don't matter.
- If you threaten your child with unrealistic consequences, such as telling him he will never watch TV again if he doesn't clean his room, he will understand that you are not serious.
- Spanking can make your child more aggressive, and can make him realize that it is okay to hurt someone you love.
Step 6. Don't be too hard on yourself
While it is important to set a good example and find the right method of discipline for your child, remember that no one is perfect, and you can't always be a model parent. Regardless of your commitment, there will always be times when you wish you had acted differently, and that's normal.
- If you have done something you regret, apologize to your child and let him know that you acted in good faith.
- If you're having a bad week, get your partner to help you if you have one, and have her discipline your baby until you feel better.
Advice
- To encourage an older child to change their attitude, write down the problem, discuss it together, and guide them to find ways to do so. Find ways to measure his progress, and foresee a punishment for failure and a reward if he succeeds.
- For young children, one minute of "punishment" for each year of age is a good punishment. If you hold them down for longer, they will feel abandoned, alone and may lose faith in you.
- Everyone needs a second chance to learn and a chance to make up for it, especially children. Do not harden the punishment for repeated behaviors a week apart by a small child - only do so when the behavior repeats itself over the course of a day. Young children do not remember like older ones and adults.
- If you have more than one child, never compare them with each other. You could create self-esteem issues or make them feel worthless.
- Stick to your chosen strategy, no matter how angry you are. When you are in a rage, it can be impossible to think straight, and it can take up to an hour for your hormone levels to return to normal. This is why you should only make decisions when you are calm.
- Regardless of your child's intelligence, remember that it is always a child. Don't go overboard with psychology; do not try to make your child look at the problem from an adult's point of view. Establish rules and consequences for when they are broken, and apply them consistently. This will give your child the impression that the world is a fair, safe and predictable place.
- Don't "bribe" your child to behave well. You will have to start bribing him more and more often. Rewards for good behavior do not represent corruption.
Warnings
- Don't punish your child by hurting him.
- Know when to ask for help with your child's discipline. If you are always disrespectful and don't listen to you, or if he often indulges in aggressive or violent attitudes, consult a professional to find solutions to these problems.
