Unfortunately, society places too much emphasis on charm and beauty. In movies, the "good guys" are usually attractive, while the "bad guys" are not at all. Every day, advertisements bombard us with thousands of images depicting only and exclusively beautiful and fascinating models. The classic canons of beauty even influence the workplace, for example they play a predominant role when deciding whether to hire someone. It is important to understand that the standards of beauty and charm are not objective, on the contrary, they are decidedly personal and subjective: several studies have actually shown that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sex appeal has a lot more to do with chemistry than physical appearance. Learning to accept yourself and be confident is helpful in feeling more attractive. Among other things, several researches have proven that, when a person thinks he is beautiful and charming, others are convinced too!
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Coping with Negative Thoughts
Step 1. Remember that your worth is not determined by your physical appearance
Society tends to equate beauty with goodness of mind. This point of view is very limited and not very fruitful. Think about what you would like to be remembered for. Would beauty and charm be at the top of the list, or do you place greater emphasis on qualities like compassion, ambition, kindness of heart, determination and imagination? Each individual is precious and deserving, but this is certainly not determined by one's physical appearance.
Many people who exert some influence globally do not fit into the stereotypical definition of beauty or charm at all. Just think of Mother Teresa, a woman who dedicated her life to others, or Stephen Hawking, who from a young age tried to decipher the secrets of the universe
Step 2. Silence your inner critic
The brain tends to focus on unpleasant experiences and information. This mechanism occurs even when the positive experiences far outweigh the negative ones. So you risk believing that everything your inner critic tells you, from "You are not tall enough" to "You are not attractive enough", is true. However, the brain is likely to be neglecting many other positive aspects that you possess for the sole purpose of focusing on the negative ones.
Try to choose a mantra, which is a positive phrase that can mitigate this mechanism and stimulate you. Repeat it to yourself as soon as your inner critic starts making their voice heard. For example, you could repeat to yourself "I accept myself for who I am", or "I am free to make my own choices in beauty."
Step 3. Focus on the positives
If you surround yourself with images broadcast by the mass media and people who tell you they are unattractive, you may begin to believe it. You therefore risk becoming the victim of a cognitive distortion that leads you to mistakenly filter experiences. As a result, you focus only on the characteristics of yourself that you don't like. Oppose this mechanism by looking for positive aspects to focus on.
- Try to immediately find a positive trait whenever you find yourself having negative thoughts about your appearance. For example, if you walk in front of a mirror and think "My teeth are really crooked", take a moment to balance this negative comment with a positive one: "My smile conveys serenity to others".
- If you have more than a hard time finding an attractive feature of yourself, try focusing on the wonderful things your body is capable of. Do you dance, run, laugh, breathe? Learn to appreciate the body for its usefulness: it may be easier to identify aspects of your liking.
Step 4. Stop telling yourself that you should be a certain way
Psychologist Clayton Barbeau studied just this mechanism, explaining what happens to a person when he starts thinking of himself in terms of duty: "I should be beautiful like a supermodel", "I should wear 38" or "I should have a skin, eyes, a different height or weight ". Making statements that make you look bad in your own eyes can lead to guilt and sadness.
- For example, many people feel unattractive because they only compare themselves to unattainable standards of beauty, such as those that characterize actors and models. It's easy to end up believing that you have to look like movie stars or the models portrayed on magazine covers. But try to remember that, in most cases, not even the models you see in advertisements and in newspapers are perfect: Photoshop is often used to modify their physical appearance.
- Try to use phrases that fight these shoulds. For example, if you constantly tell yourself that you should have straighter teeth, take this thought head on by saying, "My teeth are what they are and they do their job well."
Step 5. Would you ever say these same phrases to a friend?
Often, people feel much less compassion for themselves than for loved ones. When you find yourself thinking you are unattractive, consider whether you would criticize a friend just as harshly. If you would not say a certain phrase to a person you care about, why would you ever do yourself such a wrong?
For example, many people are not comfortable with themselves because of their weight. Maybe, you look in the mirror and think, "I'm fat and ugly, no one would ever think I'm attractive." You would hardly repeat the same phrase to a friend or relative. Probably, you would not judge the overweight of others, in fact, maybe you would not even notice it. Reserve the same compassion you reserve for others
Step 6. Get rid of absolutist thoughts
Seeing everything in black and white, without half measures, is another common cognitive distortion. Perhaps, you are convinced that you are anything but attractive simply because you have flaws. Society puts people under pressure and forces them to pursue ideals of perfection. Nonetheless, everyone has imperfections, even famous actors and models.
- For example, supermodel Cindy Crawford was told to remove a mole from her face because it was "ugly". The model instead turned it into her trademark and became one of the most famous supermodels in the world.
- When underwear brand Aerie stopped retouching photos of models and showed them with their "flaws," such as grease rolls and freckles, sales actually increased.
Method 2 of 3: Cultivate Your Self-Esteem
Step 1. Learn to accept yourself
Research has shown that self-criticism lowers self-esteem. Among other things, it can cause anxiety and depression. Counter this inner voice that haunts you by learning to be a little more lenient towards you. There are three essential factors to succeed:
- Be kind to yourself. Just like you wouldn't offend a friend, you shouldn't be cruel to yourself. Learn to accept a fact: imperfections are absolutely subjective. Everyone can learn to think of themselves as perfect as they are at any given moment, knowing that there are aspects in their lives that they would like to improve. Such a view would be much healthier. There is no universal canon that defines perfection. Be courteous and kind to yourself.
- You are not alone in feeling this way. You can easily fall into the trap of thinking that you are the only one who has to put up with this insecurity. But you must recognize that suffering and imperfection are absolutely natural to human beings. To be honest, they are an integral part of humanity, and everyone feels this way at one time or another. Everyone has challenges to face in their daily lives. Life rarely coincides with one's ideals of perfection, indeed. These unattainable patterns can cause pain and lead people to reject their true nature.
- Careful awareness. This idea comes from the Buddhist practice which involves the recognition of one's experiences and emotions without judgment. By learning to cultivate this careful awareness, you are able to live in the moment, you focus on your present experience.
Step 2. Identify the characteristics that don't make you feel good about yourself
Try to make a list of the factors that make you feel inadequate or unattractive. Write down the emotions they arouse in your interior. While doing this, avoid judging your feelings, you just need to be open and honest with yourself.
- Next, imagine the perspective of a friend who accepts you and loves you unconditionally. If you are a religious or spiritual person, you may take the point of view of a deity or other figure you believe in. If you are not, just imagine that you know someone who accepts you as you are. Don't let this imaginary friend make judgments. He is a loving person, kind and able to accept you.
- Write a letter to yourself from this point of view. Imagine the words this friend who accepts you would say in response to your thoughts about your alleged inadequacy. How would he show you compassion? How would he remind you of your good qualities? What would he really think about those aspects that you consider "wrong" or "ugly"?
- When you happen to have problems with your physical appearance, reread the letter. Try to consciously recognize the times when these negative thoughts tend to appear. This will help you work hard to learn to love and accept yourself, don't feel miserable because you don't fit into an image of unrealistic perfection.
Step 3. Create your own definition of the word "attractive"
Western culture presents a rather superficial and artificial definition of this word. Most often it is synonymous with white, tall, thin and young person. You absolutely must not accept such a limited definition of beauty: it has been scientifically proven that charm is subjective, so you escape the social pressures that force you to conform to a certain ideal.
Think about the features you like most about your friends and family. Human beings tend to choose friends who they find attractive in one way or another. In your opinion, what are the most beautiful aspects of your loved ones? Arguably, the definition of "attractive" you use for your friends is broader than the canon you desperately cling to
Step 4. Look for characteristics of yourself that you love
Try to make a list of those traits about you that you like that have nothing to do with your physical appearance. Consider personal qualities that make you feel calm and confident.
- For example, you may think you are a good friend or have a very creative artistic side.
- They must absolutely not be above average or exceptional quality. In fact, the pressure of having to be extraordinary at all costs to be able to have good self-esteem is detrimental. Can you do it in the kitchen? Do you arrive on time for work? Even these seemingly unimportant features matter.
Step 5. Write a diary
Having a journal is a useful strategy for connecting with your deepest feelings. Each day, tell the moments when you felt unattractive. Try to be specific: what are the parts of yourself that you don't like? Because? What aspects do you focus on? How did these thoughts make you feel? What happened immediately before and immediately after the appearance of these emotions?
Try to explain to yourself why you have judged yourself this way. Sometimes, you may criticize your physical appearance because you are actually dissatisfied with your other characteristics. Stress and anxiety can also have some impact on how you think about yourself
Step 6. Learn to be grateful
Research has shown that those who regularly express their gratitude tend to be happier and more optimistic. Plus, he feels less isolated. As if this were not enough, often this state of mind also strengthens the immune system. If you focus on the good and positive aspects of your life, it becomes harder to obsess over what you don't have.
- Gratitude goes beyond mere gratitude. It is an active process. Your brain is "programmed" to grab onto negative experiences and neglect positive ones, so you have to work hard to counter this mechanism.
- You can practice gratitude by trying to see the bright side of your experiences. Psychologist Rick Hanson explains that this process is a method that helps to remember positive emotions and experiences.
- Turn a positive fact into a positive experience. It doesn't necessarily have to be noteworthy, in fact, something simple is enough, like a stranger who smiled at you on the street or the flowers you saw blooming in the park. Look actively around for these positive moments. Be aware and pay attention to them at the exact moment they happen.
- Make these experiences last. Savor these positive moments for at least a few seconds. The more you pay attention to good moments, the easier it will be to remember them and learn to notice them when they occur. Take a mental picture, or make a concrete statement to confirm it, such as "This moment is beautiful."
- Absorb these moments. Try to imagine these positive experiences pervading you. Relax your body and focus on the sensory experience. Carefully work out the thoughts that have been inspired by this moment.
Step 7. Go shopping
It is important to avoid using shopping as a crutch to lean on to get better. However, according to research, when you wear a dress you like or choose a haircut that flatters you, you can feel more confident. Belief in yourself affects how you control your body and present yourself to others. Body language is a factor that plays a fundamental role in people's perception of you.
Don't go overboard with your purchases, otherwise you risk feeling even worse than before. Don't even think about having to completely renovate your wardrobe. Choose a pair of pieces that flatter you and make you feel confident when wearing them
Step 8. Dress your body type properly
Concerns about your body are a common source of insecurity and make people feel unattractive. Instead of investing in buying new clothing, many are tempted to put off until they have a physique they consider ideal. Alternatively, there are people who hide their bodies with their clothes because they think they are too strong or too thin. These thoughts and attitudes damage one's perception of oneself. Buy clothing that fits the physique you have now.
- The way you dress has a direct impact on how you think about yourself. Actors often claim that wearing their character's costume helps them understand him better. Dress like the character you want to become, not what your inner critic tells you to be.
- Clothes can have symbolic meaning. During the course of a study, it was shown that participants who wore a lab coat during a scientific experiment performed the work better. If you find a certain style attractive, make it yours. You may also find that it helps you feel more agreeable and charming.
- Remind yourself that it's worth it. Wear the clothes you like. Let the clothing express your personality and your sense of style.
- Choose clothes of your size. Several studies have shown that when a person wears clothing that fits them well, others perceive them as more physically attractive; similarly, when this same person wears garments that do not enhance them, this perception decreases.
Step 9. Exercise
Sport is ideal for getting in shape. It also stimulates the production of endorphins, the good mood hormones naturally secreted by the body. Regular physical activity can also boost self-esteem and reduce anxiety. According to one study, moderate exercise done over a 10-week period helped participants feel more energetic, upbeat, and calm.
Try not to go to the gym in order to "correct yourself". This causes you to focus on the negatives, not the positives, which is generally counterproductive. Research has shown that if you focus on negative emotions, you risk finding training harder than it would otherwise be. Instead, focus on caring for yourself to make sure your body, whatever it looks like, is healthy and fit
Step 10. Get rid of the ideals of beauty spread by the media
The photoshopped bodies and perfectly symmetrical features, typical of the beauty stereotypes of the best known mass media, have several side effects. In particular, if people fail to achieve these unrealistic canons, they end up thinking that something is wrong. However, the blame does not lie solely with television and magazines. Even beauty products aimed at reducing "defects", such as anti-cellulite and anti-wrinkle creams, can cause people to feel bad about themselves.
- It is absolutely true that the media have dangerous repercussions on people. A scientific study has shown that being constantly exposed to the vision of unrealistic bodies causes significant mood disturbances and increases dissatisfaction with your body.
- To get an idea of how artificial all these beauty ideals are, search the internet for "Photoshop mistakes in magazines". It is practically impossible to find an image that has not been retouched.
Method 3 of 3: Get Help from Others
Step 1. Ask your friends for help
While you don't have to depend on other people's acceptance, it can help to talk about how you feel with your friends. You may find that others find some sides of you attractive that you never imagined.
Ask for a hug! Hugging and seeking physical contact between loved ones are two actions that allow you to secrete oxytocin. This powerful hormone helps you feel loved and connected to others. Plus, it's good for the mood. The warmth of a hug can make you feel better
Step 2. Address social anxieties
If your physical appearance makes you insecure, you may want to avoid going to parties and other events because you are concerned about what others will think of you. Probably, you are afraid of being judged. Sure, apparently it's easier to lock yourself indoors, but that won't help you overcome your insecurities or anxiety at all.
- Rank your fears on a scale from worst to least hindering you. For example, a painful comment about your face could be rated a nine or a ten. Knowing that others are criticizing you behind your back could be equal to a seven or an eight. If you were to go to a social event, what do you think could happen? Write down your predictions and fears.
- Test these fears. The only way to confirm for sure if your perceptions are accurate is to test them. Go to the party. Introduce yourself by showing off the self-esteem and positivity you have cultivated. Try not to take refuge in behaviors that make you feel safe, such as avoiding eye contact or hiding in a corner.
- Look at the results. What evidence have you gathered to confirm your perceptions? For example, if you are concerned that everyone at the party thinks you are "too fat" to wear a cocktail dress, consider the hard evidence you have to prove that assumption. How do you know what people think? Did the others present who find themselves in a similar situation experience similar fears? Try not to make a tragedy of it. Impose yourself on your inner critic, his cruelty is unjustified.
Step 3. Stay away from people who cause you to have a negative self-image
These are those people who make insulting jokes or comments about your physical appearance without realizing the impact they have on you. There are people who make unpleasant statements because no one has taught them not to judge others. When someone does this, calmly explain to them that they are hurting you deeply and ask them to stop. If he continues undeterred, avoid his company.
- Humans are social creatures, and a person's mood is often influenced by their relationships. Surrounding yourself with people who focus on physical appearance or who cause others to feel bad about themselves are more likely to feel insecure about their bodies. Thankfully, this also works inversely: if you surround yourself with open and tolerant people who don't care about physical appearance, you will probably feel better about yourself too.
- Sometimes, negative comments about physical appearance can arise from the same insecurities as the person making them. These words have more to do with the perception she has of herself than with the individual she addresses them to.
- If you are a victim of bullying, violence or other bullying behavior, you don't have to accept it. Report them to the authorities (school counselor, human resources department, etc.).
Step 4. Recognize the warning signs of eating disorders
Sometimes, your physical appearance can make you suffer so much that you take drastic and risky measures to change your body. If you are concerned about your weight, the shape of your physique, the size of your body and the food you eat, you risk engaging in dangerous behaviors that can turn into an eating disorder. These medical problems should not be underestimated, and you should consult a professional to resolve them immediately.
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Anorexia nervosa occurs when a person drastically reduces their food intake. If he eats, then he feels extremely guilty. He may compensate by doing grueling exercise or taking laxatives. Here are some symptoms of anorexia:
- The calories consumed are excessively reduced.
- We obsess about the type and quantity of food eaten.
- Strict dietary rules are followed.
- You feel fat while not overweight.
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Bulimia nervosa occurs when a person bingees on large quantities of food and then performs purgative actions, such as vomiting, taking laxatives, or exercising excessively. As with other eating disorders, a bulimic person is obsessed with the shape, weight or size of their body. Here are some symptoms of this disorder:
- Food creates feelings of guilt.
- It feels like you can't control what you eat or the quantities.
- One feels compelled to eat large quantities of food.
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Binge eating disorder is a relatively new diagnosis and is recognized as a medical problem. It differs from other eating disorders because it does not involve compensatory behaviors, such as taking laxatives or excessive exercise. Here are some of the symptoms:
- It feels like you can't control what you eat or how much food you eat.
- While eating, or after, a certain sense of guilt or disgust arises.
- You eat when you are not hungry or even when you are full.
Be Brave Step 3 Step 5. Don't deal with particularly negative thoughts alone
Mild insecurity can usually be thwarted by making small changes to your thinking patterns or habits. However, serious body image disorders are real medical problems that require professional intervention. If your negative views about yourself or your insecurity are so intense that you can't do what you want, or you think you can hurt yourself, ask a therapist for help.
- There are many types of professionals working in the mental health field. Psychiatrists are generally the only experts in the field who, in addition to offering psychotherapy sessions, can prescribe drugs. You can also consult a psychologist, psychotherapist, or other qualified therapist.
- Someone firmly believes that seeking help is a sign of weakness. Maybe you yourself think you need to be able to handle your feelings completely on your own. Remember that setting unattainable ideals is harmful. Seeking help is a brave and thoughtful act that you should do for yourself first!
Advice
- Write positive slogans about yourself and hang them in the mirror.
- Talk to a close friend or relative you can let off steam when you're feeling down. A hug and verbal reassurance from a loved one can mean a lot.
