When you lose someone or something very precious to you, the pain can be very intense. Anguish, sad memories, and unanswered questions can haunt you without giving you peace. You can also feel that you will no longer be the same person, that you will no longer be able to laugh or go back to the way you were. Brace yourself, even if there is no way to overcome grief without feeling pain, there are however "healthy" ways to mourn the loss that allow you to look to the future in a constructive way. Don't settle for a joyless life, work hard to overcome your loss and slowly, but surely, you will hear better.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Overcoming the Pain
Step 1. Face the loss
After a severe loss, one tries to do something, whatever, to relieve the pain. You may be engaging in a harmful habit, such as taking drugs, abusing alcohol, oversleeping, being excessively connected to the internet, having unbridled promiscuity, or any other habit that threatens your well-being and leaves you confused and vulnerable to addictions and other pain. You will never truly be healed until you face the loss. Ignoring the pain or calming yourself down with distractions only works for a while; no matter how long you try to distract yourself, the pain will eventually overwhelm you. Face the loss. Allow yourself to cry or grieve in ways that feel natural. The sooner you recognize the pain, the sooner you can begin to overcome it.
When a loss is recent, the pain deserves your full attention. However, you should put a limit on prolonged bereavement. Give yourself a period of time, be it a few days or a week, in which you can feel terribly afflicted. If you remain entangled in pain for too long, however, you risk being stuck in the feeling of loss, paralyzed by self-pity and unable to face the future
Step 2. Release your pain
Allow yourself to let the tears flow. Don't be afraid to cry, even if it's not your habit. Realize that there is no right or wrong way to feel pain or to express it. The important thing is that you recognize it and try to overcome it by facing it. How you do it is totally up to you and varies from person to person.
- Find an outlet for your pain. If you are forced to do a certain activity even during the mourning period, do it (provided it does not harm you or others.) traveling, screaming at the top of your lungs in a wood or other lonely place and retracing your memories are just some of the ways you can find to release the pain. They are all equally valid.
- Avoid doing anything that could harm yourself or others. Taking a loss doesn't mean you have to harm yourself or make things worse. Loss is an opportunity to learn to release inner emotional reserves and deal with pain.
Step 3. Share your moods with others
It is healthy behavior to turn to the people who care for you when you are afflicted. If you can't find a friend, ask for support from a compassionate stranger or a priest, social worker, or therapist. Even if you feel estranged, confused, and uncertain, talking to someone you trust is a way to start releasing the pain you are experiencing. Try to see dialogue as a way to "clear" your emotions; thoughts do not necessarily have to be coherent or motivated. They just need to be expressed.
If you are concerned that other people may be listening to you and may feel confused or upset by what you say, you can warn them of your swirling emotions in advance to alleviate this worry. Just let them know that you feel sad, upset, confused, and that even if some words you say don't make much sense, you still appreciate someone listening to you. A close friend or supporter won't care
Step 4. Get away from those who cannot understand you
Unfortunately, not all of the people you relate to in bereavement are helpful to you. Ignore people who say things like "get over it", "stop being so sensitive", "I got over it quickly when it happened to me", etc. They may not know how you feel, so do not give weight to their derogatory comments. Tell them, "You don't need to be near me while I'm going through this moment, if it's too hard for you to bear. But I need to go through it, no matter how you feel, so give me this space."
Some of these people who don't understand your pain may even be good friends with the best (but wrong) intentions. You will be able to reconnect with them when you feel stronger. Until then, stay away from impatience, you don't have to forcibly speed up an emotional recovery
Step 5. Have no regrets
After the loss of someone, you may feel a sense of guilt. You might think persistently about things like, "I wish I could have said goodbye one last time," or "I wish I had treated him better." Don't get overwhelmed with guilt. You can not change the past by continuing to ruminate. It's not your fault that you lost someone you loved. Rather than dwelling on what you could or should have done, focus on what you can do. Process your emotions and look ahead.
If you feel guilty following a loss, talk to other people who knew the person or pet. They will surely be able to convince you that it is not your fault
Step 6. Store items that remind you of your loved one
Just because a loved one or pet has left doesn't mean you don't have to remember it anymore. It can be comforting to know that, even if he is no longer with you, the friendship, love and personal bond you had remain deeply rooted in your heart. No one will ever be able to take them away from you and the relationship you have had with him will always be part of you. It will always be worth keeping a few memories that keep alive the courage, tenacity and ability to imagine a better future.
Keep items that remind you of its existence in a box somewhere hidden. Take them back when you need a tangible reminder of your loved one. However, don't leave them in easily accessible places that you can see often. If you have a constant reminder of someone you've lost, it may be difficult for you to look forward to the future
Step 7. Get help
Nowadays, if someone seeks help for emotional problems, they are immediately stigmatized with consequent damage in social relationships. Know that if you go to a therapist or consultant Not it means you are weak or pathetic. Indeed, it is rather a sign of strength. By seeking the necessary help, you show admirable willingness to move forward and overcome the pain. Do not hesitate to make an appointment with a competent professional; you are not alone: in 2004 it was found that more than a quarter of adult Americans had sought a therapist in the previous two years.
Part 2 of 2: Strive to Achieve Happiness
Step 1. Turn your attention away from sadness
Try to remember the good times and the best memories you shared with the person or animal you lost. If you stay focused on negative thoughts or regrets you won't be able to change what happened and it will only make you feel worse. Rest assured that no one who made you happy would ever want to see you plagued by sadness. Try to remember things like the way he talked to you, his quirky little quirks, the time you spent laughing together, and the things he taught you in life.
- If you have lost a pet, remember the good times they spent together, the happiness it gave you and its special characteristics.
- Whenever you notice that you are becoming sadder, angrier, or self-pitying, take a journal and write down the memories of moments spent together. When pain and sadness assail you, you can reread your diary to find some hints of serenity.
Step 2. Distract yourself
By keeping busy and busy with commitments that require careful concentration, you can distract yourself from continuing to think about the loss. This also allows you to understand that there are still good and important things to do.
- Although work or study can give you some relief from the constant thought of loss, do not simply rely on your daily activities to distract you, otherwise you risk coming to think that there is only work and pain and nothing else. Find peace of mind by doing something that gives you peace. There are various possibilities, such as gardening, cooking, fishing, listening to your favorite music, walking, drawing, painting, writing, etc … Choose what calms you and gives you a sense of joyful fulfillment (and not that sense satisfaction that daily work or study can give you).
- Consider getting involved in a social commitment. Shift the focus from your own problems to those of others. Don't rule out the idea of volunteering. If you like children, you can engage in some activity with them, as they are such spontaneous creatures and can manage to make you smile.
Step 3. Enjoy the beautiful days
A typical characteristic of those afflicted with pain is to stay at home, neglecting the outside life. Once you have overcome the initial deep anguish, take advantage of the beautiful sunny days. Spend some time walking, contemplating or simply observing the beauty of nature around you. Don't try to chase specific feelings, just let the warmth of the sun warm you and the sounds of the world flow freely. Admire the beauty of the trees and the landscape you see. Let the hustle and bustle of life remind you that the world is beautiful. Life must go on, you deserve to be part of it and finally recover your life as it always was.
There is scientific evidence that sunlight has natural antidepressant properties. Leaving the house can help you overcome emotional trauma
Step 4. Recover the idea of what you have lost
When you lose someone, the bad thing is that you will no longer be able to enjoy their physical presence. However, this does not mean that the person or pet you lost no longer exists as a thought or memory. Know that it actually lives on in your thoughts, words and actions. When you say, do or think about something that is influenced by the memory of someone who is gone, he still lives in you.
Many religions teach that a person's soul or essence remains even when the physical body dies. Other religions teach that a person's essence transforms into another form or returns to the earth. If you are religious, find comfort in the fact that the person you have lost still exists in spiritual form
Step 5. Spend time with loved ones
You may find it difficult to motivate yourself to go out and spend time with friends after a bereavement. However, if you do, you can improve your mood. You should seek the company of friends who understand your emotional state, even if you have not yet fully recovered. Hang out with friends or acquaintances who are fun, but kind and sensitive. This will help make it easier for you to return to normal social life, which in turn will help you stay busy by distracting you from the pain.
The first time you find yourself in company after a serious loss, you may feel a little subdued or uncomfortable simply because your friends are concerned about how they can approach the subject. Don't get depressed about it, at some point you have to go back to normal social life. Insist, make an effort to get out; While it can take weeks or months to find everything "normal" again, spending time with caring friends is almost always a good idea
Step 6. Don't fake happiness
When you get back into your normal routine, you might think that some social or work successes you get would theoretically require more happiness than you actually feel. While you should avoid getting caught in pain by pitying yourself, you shouldn't try to "force" your happiness. Forcing yourself to be happy is even worse, it's a terrible burden to pretend to smile when you don't want to. Don't make achieving happiness a chore! It's okay to appear and act seriously in social life and work, as long as you don't do anything to hinder the happiness of others. Save your smile for when happiness is truly sincere: it will be much sweeter.
Step 7. Give yourself time to recover
Time heals all wounds. Even though your emotional recovery can take months or years, that's okay. At the right time, you can finally begin honoring the person you have lost through a renewed determination to enjoy life more intensely.
- Don't worry, you will never forget those you loved. Nor will you lose the inner strength that prompted you to seek lost goals or successes. What will change is how you approach life from this moment, it could be a greater determination, a new sense of values or a totally new point of view about some aspects of life. This progress won't be possible, however, if you don't give yourself time to mourn.
- While giving yourself ample time to heal at the same time, however, you need to remember that life is precious and that you are responsible for spending most of your time here. The purpose of life is to be happy, not sad. Don't rush the pain away, but don't settle for a partial recovery. Take all the necessary steps to recover and gradually improve your mood. You owe it to yourself: look to the future, no matter how long it takes.
Step 8. Don't misjudge your happiness
Don't feel bad because you feel good! There is no set time to overcome a loss. If you regain happiness before you are completely out of grief, then you will feel guilty for "not processing it enough." When you feel like you've overcome the loss, you probably really did. Don't set dates for grief to end, but don't delay your happiness. You don't even have to force yourself to be sadder than you need to.
Advice
- If someone tells you to "get over it," don't argue with it. This will make you feel even worse, because you will feel like you are intolerant of other people's emotions. In other words, you will begin to believe that you are having trouble managing your pain, when in reality you are not. This is just the way you feel. Don't listen to others, because they don't know what relationship you had with your loved one. You have to recover in your own way and on your own time.
- Remember that each person feels differently. Don't worry if it takes longer than someone else to get over the pain, even if it's caused by the same loss. This usually shows how close you felt to your loved one. Some people don't cry, others take months to stop.
- Patience is the key. Don't put pressure on yourself, let it all happen naturally.
- Have no regrets. Don't feel sad because you didn't get a chance to say you were sorry or "I love you" or "goodbye". You can still tell.
- Feel free to think about other things. Nothing requires you to be sad all the time in order to demonstrate your feelings or show others how much loss means to you. People already know that you are upset, you don't have to prove or explain anything.
- Life is beautiful and has many surprises in store for you. So go ahead and smile, visit new places and meet new people.
- Music can be a very relaxing way to deal with times when loss and grief are at their strongest. Try listening to more cheerful music though, otherwise you will feel worse.
- Pain has its own rhythms and varies from person to person. Not everyone heals right away, and not everyone is always terribly upset. Pain works in its own unique cycles, and is always different for each.
- Love yourself. If you fall (and you will fall) laugh at yourself, make fun of yourself and get up.
- Don't let feelings like "if only …" take over. Don't get overwhelmed by: "If only it had been better", "If only I had had time to hang out more often".
- Don't feel guilty. It doesn't help you explain anything and it won't make you feel any better.
- Try playing with your pets, they can tell when you are sad and playing with them might help.
- If you feel the need, cry. Let the emotions out. It's not okay to hold them back.
- Don't be afraid to regret some things, because the time will come when you will feel regret and you will not be able to prevent it. Don't let it take over though. Sure it's not the same as saying "I love you" or "I'm sorry" to someone who is gone forever, but say it as long as you think they can hear it, otherwise the guilt will always be there. Try screaming at the top of your lungs in a lonely place what you wanted to tell him.
Warnings
- Beware of escape routes such as drugs and alcohol as they can create additional problems and addiction.
- Never think about suicide, life is worth living.
