Sooner or later a loss affects everyone, and often one relies on the support of one's friends to overcome it. If you want to be truly present for a bereaved person, you should listen patiently, be trustworthy, and offer your support. There is nothing you can do to shorten the pain, but you can be a source of optimism and positivity that will help your friend cope with the darkest moments. Read on to know what to do and say.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Know What To Say
Step 1. Face what happened
It is not easy to talk about death, and many have a hard time bringing it up. However, avoiding the issue just because it's uncomfortable won't help your friend. You may think that discussing other issues is a good distraction, but a person in pain will not find it easy to laugh at your jokes or chat about frivolous topics. Ignoring the biggest problem in his life isn't the right way to support him, so be brave enough to bring it up, instead of acting inappropriately like it's nothing.
- Don't be afraid to say the word "dead". Don't say, "I heard what happened." He says, "I heard your grandmother is dead." When you tell the truth, even if it is painful, you show your friend that you are willing to talk about the harder aspects of life. He needs someone who understands it and is capable of discussing it.
- Name the person who died. Saying the name of the deceased may make him cry, but it will help him understand that despite the passing away, it is still important to other people.
Step 2. Express concern
Tell your friend that you are sorry for the death of this relative. Show him your displeasure and tell him you love him, to comfort him. Hugging him or placing a hand on his shoulder can also allow you to communicate your regret for what he is going through. He says, "I'm sorry."
- If you knew the person who went missing, share some memories with your friend and make a list of their best qualities. Talking about everything that made the deceased special can help your friend feel a little better despite the loss.
- If you and your friend are religious, offer to pray for him and his family. If not, tell him that you think about him and that you are deeply sorry for his loss.
Step 3. Be honest
Since talking about death is difficult, it can be difficult to express your sincerest feelings in front of your friend. However, using one of the many stereotypes people pull off to facilitate conversations about death won't actually be very helpful. If you express your honest emotions, you will seem more sincere, and your friend will be more likely to turn to you when he needs someone to listen to him.
- Avoid making statements like "She's in a better place" or "She wishes you were happy right now." Basically you don't know if that's the truth, right? Listening to these empty phrases isn't very helpful.
- If you have a hard time expressing your feelings in words, you can try saying something like, "I was blown away. I can't express the regret I feel."
Step 4. Ask him how he is
You may assume it's a trivial question, but many people fear asking it, or don't want to face the answer at all. When your friend goes to work or is around acquaintances, he probably pretends that everything is fine. This is why, if you are a good friend, giving him enough space to talk can be quite helpful. You must be ready to accept his answer, even if it is difficult to hear.
- Someone may not want to receive such a question. If it seems to you that your friend doesn't want to talk about it, don't insist that he or she does.
- If your friend decides to open up instead, encourage him to talk for as long as necessary. Don't try to change the subject or brighten the tone of the conversation. Just let him express his mood and bring out all the emotions he usually has to keep to himself.
Step 5. Don't judge
Let it be itself, whatever that means. Everyone reacts differently to the loss of a relative, and there is no uniquely right or wrong answer. Sure, your friend may have a reaction you never expected, but it's important to allow them to express their feelings without judgment.
Be prepared to get to know your friend more deeply and witness behaviors you may not be used to. Despair and pain can surface in many different ways. He may be in a state of denial, anger, numbness, or feel another million emotions due to the loss
Step 6. Don't say "Time heals wounds"
Time may ease the initial pain, but when a loved one dies, life is no longer the same. Proponents of this idea almost seem to suggest that there is an expiration date for pain: when finished, people should feel "normal" again. However, for many this does not happen. Instead of channeling your energies to help your friend move on, try to be a source of support and happiness in their life. Never pressure him to get over the grief as quickly as possible.
Forget the "five stages of pain". There is no real timeline for dealing with suffering, and everyone handles it differently. Thinking that dealing with pain means going through a series of stages may be useful for some, but for many others it is not a valid theory. Don't expect your friend to follow you
Step 7. Don't say:
"You are so brave." It's a simple and seemingly kind phrase, but it can make people in pain feel worse. Because? If you tell someone that they are brave, this person may think that you expect some strength from them despite the suffering. When someone loses a loved one, they may have a hard time, stumble and fall. If you love your friend, you know his world is upside down, so you shouldn't expect him to always behave bravely.
Method 2 of 2: Know What To Do
Step 1. Deal with tears gracefully
People are very vulnerable when they cry. If your friend breaks down in tears, your reaction could be quite helpful or extremely harmful. At this time, you need to behave with tolerance and affection, not embarrassment or disgust. You need to know that your friend will cry, from time to time, so be prepared to cope with their tears in a positive and cooperative way, without making them feel worse.
- Think about your reaction well in advance so you won't be caught off guard if your friend bursts into tears in your presence. Get ready to hug him, look him in the eye, and be with him for as long as necessary.
- Walking away, looking away, making a joke, or interrupting the conversation in one way or another can make him feel uncomfortable about his reaction.
Step 2. Reply to his messages
When a friend is dealing with the loss of a relative, being trustworthy is more important than ever. Answering phone calls or calling him back is essential. Make sure you respond to the text messages and any other messages he sends you during this time of mourning. If you are generally not particularly careful in this regard, try harder than usual to be present.
Step 3. Help him
In the first few months after the death of his relative, ask your friend how you can make his life easier. Don't just say, "Let me know if I can do anything to help you." Many say this phrase, but the problem is that they usually don't really intend to get involved. If you want to make a real difference, ask what concrete actions you can take to facilitate this moment for your friend and family. Here are some ideas:
- Cook for your friend and family (you can do it in your home or his). If you don't know how to cook, you could bring him some take away food.
- Give people rides in the car.
- Do the housework.
- Take care of his pets.
- Find out about the assignments that have been assigned at school.
- Make phone calls to inform people of his loss.
Step 4. Try to be considerate, even if it involves small gestures
A good way to express your support is to show him that you think about him. Go out of your way to be more careful than you usually would be. Small tricks are enough to make him understand that you care. For example, a long private conversation can be quite meaningful. Try the following:
- Make some cookies or a cake.
- Take him to the cinema or for a walk in the park.
- Send him a loving note in the mail.
- Email them more often.
- Involve him in more social activities.
- Give him gifts from time to time.
Step 5. Be patient and understanding
Maybe your friend won't be the same for a long time. It may seem sad, distracted, or a little less energetic for months or even years following the death of a loved one. Being a good friend means cultivating friendship even when someone goes through big changes. If you love him, you will not expect everything to return to the way it was before, you will be close to him despite adversity.
- Don't insist on doing activities that they no longer find fun.
- Understand that your friend is likely facing serious problems following the death of their loved one. Sometimes people resort to alcohol or drugs and become addicted to them, or face severe depression due to pain and trauma. If you are concerned that your friend may harm himself, give him a hand to ask for help.
Step 6. Try to be a stable presence
After a few months, most people are reabsorbed from their busy life and stop thinking about losing their friend. However, after this experience, he will need support for more than a few months. Be there for as long as necessary in order to help him more than usual and take care of him.
- Call him on the anniversary of his relative's death. Ask him how he is.
- The best thing you can do for your friend is to stand by him. If he calls you, talk to him or propose plans to see you. If he doesn't, text him to remind him that you think about him. The ideal is to help him cope with grief by offering him support and affection.
Advice
- Small attentions are always appreciated and are not intrusive.
- Remember that sometimes all a person needs is a friend.
- Help him do a little bit of everything. Let her rest and go shopping for her, or make dinner. If you have children you can offer yourself as a babysitter, showing respect and affection towards the children.
