When you get angry, you will surely feel the need to explode in front of everyone's eyes. In these moments you feel really bad. Sometimes you may hurt someone without even realizing it or do it intentionally. However, you can effectively express your anger instead of suppressing it or pouring it out on others. Calm down and learn to understand your anger and other emotions related to it. Then communicate anything that infuriates you with greater assertiveness so you don't risk offending people.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Calm yourself down
Step 1. Recognize the physical signs of anger
When you start to get nervous, your body reacts by producing some physical signals. You can learn to tell when you are about to explode by recognizing the clues thrown by the body when you are angry and under stress. Here are some of them:
- Clench the jaw and contract the muscles;
- Headache or stomach pain
- Increased heart rate
- Increased sweating, including in the palms of the hands;
- Facial redness;
- Tremor in the body or hands
- Stun.
Step 2. Recognize the emotional signals of anger
The mood begins to fluctuate until it leads to anger. Here are some signs you may be feeling:
- Irritation;
- Sadness;
- Depression;
- Sense of guilt;
- Resentment;
- Anxiety;
- You need to defend yourself.
Step 3. Take deep breaths
Try to get your anger under control before communicating with someone. Otherwise, you risk saying something you may regret. Take a few deep breaths to clear your head and try to calm your body. Try these steps:
- Inhale for a count of four, hold back to four, and finally exhale for another four seconds.
- Make sure you breathe through your diaphragm rather than your chest. Using the diaphragm, you will see the belly dilate (you can feel the movement with your hand).
- Do this as many times as necessary until you begin to feel calmer.
Step 4. Count to ten
If your physical and emotional symptoms feel like anger is about to assault you, tell yourself you don't have to react right away. Count to ten to calm down and give yourself a chance to reflect. Don't snap, but take the time to clarify your emotions.
Step 5. Change environment
If you feel the blood start boiling in your veins, go away. Take a walk. You will calm down more easily if you are not confronted with any kind of provocation, whether it is a person or an object.
Step 6. Analyze the problem
If you are getting nervous, calm down and rationally discuss the problem. Use reason before physically losing control. Try to calm down to prevent anger from taking over your mind. Even if you feel like you can't control your mood, encourage yourself and find a way to manage your anger.
For example, you can say to yourself, "My boss scolds me every day. I have a hard time dealing with this situation and I can't help but get nervous. Sure, I have every right to get angry, but I can't allow this to happen. mood takes over my life or spoils my days. I will address him more assertively, even if he acts aggressively. I am looking for another job, but in the meantime, whenever he yells, I could tell him that I have a hard time understanding him. when he is so upset. If there is a problem, I have to invite him to sit down and talk so that we can find a solution together. If there is something I have to do for him, I will not hesitate as long as he talks to me without railing against it. way, I'll be able to keep calm and, in the meantime, I'll teach him how to behave."
Part 2 of 4: Understanding Anger
Step 1. Assess your anger
By doing this, you will be able to realize in what kind of situation you tend to get angry and to what extent. Maybe some circumstances irritate you a little, while others literally piss you off.
You don't need official metrics to gauge your anger, but you can create them yourself. For example, you could measure it on a scale of one to ten or zero to one hundred
Step 2. Keep a journal
If you feel that you are losing your temper very often, it may be helpful to keep track of situations in which anger takes over. Write down how angry you are and everything that happens around you. Also try to write down how you react when you are angry and how other people behave when you express this mood. Think about the following questions when updating your diary:
- What made you mad?
- Rate your anger.
- What thoughts crossed your mind while you were angry?
- How did you react? How did others react in front of you?
- What was your mood a moment before you got mad?
- What were the signals sent by your body?
- How did you react? Did you want to react or behave badly (like slamming the door, throwing something, or hitting someone), or did you say something sarcastic?
- How did you feel immediately after it happened?
- What were your feelings a few hours after it happened?
- In the end, did the situation resolve itself?
- By writing down this information, you will be more aware of situations and triggers. Later you will learn to avoid these kinds of circumstances when possible, or predict when they will inevitably occur. You will also be able to monitor your progress in dealing with situations that make you nervous.
Step 3. Identify what triggers your anger
By triggering factor we mean an event capable of provoking an emotion or a memory. The most common ones related to anger are:
- Not being able to control the actions of others;
- Disappointment that people do not meet their expectations;
- Not being able to control the events of daily life, such as traffic;
- Being manipulated by someone;
- Getting angry with yourself for making a mistake.
Step 4. Understand how anger affects you
This feeling can turn into a big problem if it makes you aggressive towards others. When it becomes a regular reaction in the face of daily events and the people around you, you may lose the joy of living and deprive yourself of everything that enriches your life. Anger can interfere with work, relationships, and social life. You even risk detention if you go to the point of assaulting another person. Anger is a very powerful feeling that must be understood in order to manage its conditioning.
Anger is able to agitate people to the point where they are unable to think about why they act recklessly among people. For example, people who get mad while driving might consider it normal to send someone off the road because they accidentally overtake them
Step 5. Understand where your anger comes from
Some people get angry at not dealing with the most painful emotions. In this way their self-esteem is momentarily gratified. It also happens when they have every reason to get angry. However, when you use anger to get rid of what is hurting you, the pain remains and you have not solved anything.
- People can get used to using anger to distract themselves from pain, because they know how to manage it more easily than suffering and in this way they feel that they have greater self-control. In this way, it becomes a means of managing the sense of vulnerability and fear.
- Many times we automatically react to events related to painful memories from our past. Anger could become a gut reaction transmitted by a parent or a person who raised us. If you had one parent who got angry about everything and the other who avoided provoking it, you had two ways of dealing with anger: one passive and the other aggressive. They are both poorly suited to handle this sentiment.
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For example, if you were abused and ignored as a child, you will have grown up with a counterproductive (aggressive) way of dealing with anger. Although it is painful to examine these emotions, realizing what you experienced in childhood, you will be able to understand how you learned to deal with stress, difficult situations in life and the most unpleasant emotions, such as sadness, fear. and, in fact, anger.
It is important to seek professional help to cope with life's traumas, such as child abuse and neglect. Sometimes, in the absence of medical support, a person may continue to relive a trauma unintentionally, thinking back to the most painful memories
Part 3 of 4: Talk About What You Are Feeling
Step 1. Avoid passively expressing your anger
By manifesting it passively, you are not actually addressing the person who hurts or angers you directly, but you will develop a desire for revenge in other ways. For example, you might speak badly behind someone's back or insult them as soon as the right opportunity arises.
Step 2. Avoid expressing it aggressively
Gestures that manifest aggression are more problematic because they can lead to violence and have negative consequences when self-control is lost. If anger characterizes daily behaviors and becomes unmanageable, it can disrupt daily life.
For example, you might yell and yell at someone, or even hit them, when you express anger aggressively
Step 3. Express anger assertively
It is the most constructive way of externalizing it. Assertiveness allows you to cultivate mutual respect. You have every right to get nervous, but without blaming people. Each must respect the other.
- If you use assertiveness in interacting with others, you will emphasize that both your needs and those of your interlocutor are important. To communicate more assertively, state the facts without making any kind of accusation. Just indicate how a gesture made you feel. Just say what you know and not what you think you know. Then ask the other person if they are willing to confront you.
- For example, you might say, "I felt hurt and couldn't help but get angry because I got the impression that I wanted to belittle my project when you started laughing during my lecture. Can we talk and resolve this?".
Step 4. Recognize what you are feeling
Clarify your state of mind. Try to be more specific, without being satisfied with defining your emotions as "good" or "bad". Try to recognize jealousy, guilt, loneliness, pain, and so on.
Step 5. Speak in first person
Express your mood without judging others. By speaking in the first person, you will not only prevent your interlocutor from becoming defensive, but you will also encourage him to listen to what you are saying. In this way, you will show that the problem is with you, not who is in front of you. For example, you might say:
- "I feel embarrassed when you tell your friends about our quarrels."
- "I'm sorry you forgot my birthday."
Step 6. Focus on yourself, not people's flaws
Keep in mind that you can come to know how you feel, not the weaknesses of others. Instead of blaming your interlocutor for misbehaving you, think about what you are feeling. Communicate what you really feel emotionally once you understand it, such as saying you feel hurt. Avoid judging, but limit yourself to expressing your mood.
- For example, instead of telling your partner, "You don't sit at dinner time anymore," try saying, "I feel lonely and miss our dinner conversations."
- For example, you might say, "I get the impression that instead of listening to what I'm trying to tell you, you're reading the paper because you don't care how I feel."
Step 7. Offer specific examples
When you have a confrontation with someone, give particular examples that show what your state of mind might depend on. Instead of saying, "I feel lonely," explain why you have such a feeling. For example, say, "I feel lonely when you work late at night. I couldn't even celebrate my birthday with you."
Step 8. Be respectful
Show respect for the people you interact with. You could just add "please" and "thank you" in your speeches. Encourage collaboration and mutual respect. When you want something, make your wish in the form of an invitation rather than a claim. Try starting a conversation like this:
- "When you have the time, you could …";
- "I would be really happy if I could … Thank you so much!".
Step 9. Think about solving the problems
Once you become aware of your feelings and learn to communicate more assertively, try to offer solutions as well. If you try to solve a problem, try to do everything possible to address it.
- It only takes a few minutes to calm down. Try to understand your emotions and start devising strategies to manage difficulties.
- For example, if your child comes home with a disastrous report card, you may be angry because he got bad grades. Approach the situation with a resolutive spirit instead of just getting nervous. Explain how he could study more profitably or suggest that he take private lessons.
- Sometimes it is necessary to accept that there is no solution. You probably won't be able to handle a problem, but remember that you are always in control of your reactions.
Step 10. Communicate clearly and accurately
If you delay or make general and unclear statements, the listener will tend to get annoyed. For example, if a colleague is talking very loudly on the phone and you are having trouble doing your job, try talking to them like this:
"I have a request. Could you keep your voice down when you talk on the phone? Unfortunately, it prevents me from concentrating on work. I would be really grateful." This way you will directly address the person with whom a conflict has arisen, clearly expressing your needs in the form of an invitation
Part 4 of 4: Getting Help from a Professional
Step 1. Try going to therapy
This is a great way to find workarounds that allow you to manage and express anger more effectively. Your therapist will most likely show you which relaxation techniques allow you to calm down during a nervous breakdown. It will also help you manage thoughts from which uncontrolled reactions may arise and interpret various situations from other perspectives. Finally, it will help you find the means to deal with emotions and interact with more assertiveness.
Step 2. Sign up for an anger management course
The success rate of these programs has been shown to be quite high. The most effective ones help you understand this feeling, offer immediate strategies for dealing with it, and help improve your skills.
There are various types of anger management programs. For example, there are those aimed at teenagers, executives, police officers, and other categories of people who may experience this feeling for various reasons
Step 3. Ask your doctor what medications you have available
Anger often occurs in people with mood disorders, such as bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. Proper drug therapy depends on the type of anger you feel. Medicines can help you manage this problem.
- For example, if anger is accompanied by depression, you can ask your doctor for an antidepressant to treat both. If irritability occurs in the general picture of generalized anxiety disorder, taking benzodiazepines (for example, clonazepam) could help you manage the disorder and, in the meantime, mitigate your short temper.
- Each drug produces side effects. For example, lithium, which is used to treat bipolar disorder, is extremely harmful to the kidneys. If you are informed about the possible side effects, you will be able to keep the possible occurrence of complications under control. It is very important to discuss these eventualities openly with your doctor.
- Discuss any addiction problems you may have with your doctor. For example, benzodiazepines are addictive substances. If you are already in the grip of alcoholism, the last thing you need is to add another addiction. Therefore, speak openly with your doctor so that they can prescribe a medication that suits your needs.
