When someone you know is experiencing a moment of intense emotional pain, it is not easy to console them. You need to stay calm and stay positive. If a person has just been in an accident, received heartbreaking news, or has lost self-control from all the stress they have been subjected to in their life, there are some basic steps you can take to try to comfort them.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Saying the Right Thing When Someone Is Heartbroken
Step 1. Communicate all your affection
There are no "right" words to say when someone is in immeasurable pain, especially if they are suffering for a legitimate reason. Choose your words, tone of voice, and ways to show you love them. Generally speaking, you should behave as normally as possible. Also, express yourself by conveying understanding, patience, and support, without judging. You need to be simple and open in order to encourage the other person to let off steam.
- Alternatively, you might say, "I'm so sorry about _". Don't bother mentioning why he's in pain - if he's visibly bitter, it means he's already thinking about it.
- Try adding, "It is perfectly legitimate to cry."
Step 2. Avoid feigning contentment
This is no time for funny jokes and optimism. When a person feels deeply upset or is in tremendous pain, it makes no sense to flaunt an attitude of joy. Worse still, any gesture that is insincere would risk diminishing the gravity of what she is going through. Respect his mood by being careful not to ignore the way he expresses it.
- Avoid saying "Look on the bright side" and do not try to constructively frame a situation that is obviously causing you great suffering.
- In summary, don't say anything with the intention of "cheering her up". Rather, allow her to vent her sense of despair or anger, without repressing it.
- Let her know that you are close to her by stating, "You are not alone in this moment. I am here beside you."
Step 3. Show respect for the situation
Depending on why the other person is upset, you need to avoid saying something that would hurt their susceptibility. For example, don't put it this way: "It was God's will." Such a statement does not serve to comfort her.
- If you don't know what to say, at least make sure your words don't diminish or detract from their suffering.
- Sometimes, even "true" statements are to be avoided. For example, don't tell a woman who has just had an abortion that she might have another child. While it makes sense, all you do is ignore the pain that comes with the decision to terminate the pregnancy.
Step 4. Open the door to the dialogue
Sooner or later, those who suffer are ready to confide their state of mind. You will probably have to guide him along this path. For example, you might say, "I know it might hurt to talk about it, but feel free to open up, now or when you feel like it." Reach out to him at any time once he is calm, even after a traumatic accident.
- Avoid making comparisons between your experiences and the period she is going through. Don't say "I know how you feel," even if you've had a similar experience. Instead, try to put it this way: "I know how much _ meant to you."
- Be honest when you can't find the words, say, for example, "I don't know what you're feeling, but I love you and want to help you."
- You can also say: "I have no words, but I am close to you and I will always be willing to listen to you."
Step 5. Offer your support even later
Often, people receive tremendous emotional support from others right after a traumatic experience. Unfortunately, this help often diminishes over time. Point out that your support is always valid by asking: "Can I call you back in a few weeks to find out how you are?".
Don't worry about bringing up something you don't want to talk about. If he doesn't feel like he won't hesitate to tell you, but keep in mind that he might need it. Either way, knowing that he can count on you will be a huge comfort
Part 2 of 3: Supporting Someone Who Has Continuous Emotional Problems
Step 1. Don't rush to decide on your next move
Those who have continuous emotional problems find it hard to act with determination or simply do not know how to behave or intervene. This attitude indicates vulnerability and is a completely natural reaction in the face of suffering. He may even refuse to talk about what happened, so you shouldn't push him unless someone else's safety or well-being depends on him.
If he insists he needs space, give it to him. Tell him you'll come back to him after a few days. Let him know that he can contact you whenever he wants and that you are available whenever he wants to see you
Step 2. Keep in touch
Don't pester him, but behave in a way that he understands that you are always in your thoughts and that you care about his good. Call him or send him a note if a week goes by without hearing him. To send your condolences, avoid text messages, e-mails or messages left on social networks: they are confidential and devoid of personality communication channels.
Do not avoid it and do not ignore it because you feel difficult at the idea of what it is going through or you do not know what to say. When in doubt, share your condolences and ask if there is anything you can do
Step 3. Respect her silence
If you have the impression that he wants you near but does not confirm it with words, do not be annoyed by his silence. Don't let your apprehension cause you to talk nonstop. Remember that he probably just wants your company. Feel free to ask him how he is feeling or what he is thinking. If he mulls over what happened, he should talk about it to release the repressed emotions.
Don't ask him how he is if you meet him in a meeting with friends or family. Even if you have to encourage him to express his mood, do it in an environment away from prying ears, where you can give him your full attention
Step 4. Help him with normal daily chores
After a traumatic accident, some people are depressed or physically exhausted. They may be sleeping more than usual and having difficulty completing the tasks of daily life. So, help him do the laundry or do the dishes. However, avoid taking any responsibility, otherwise you may hinder his recovery or believe that you are pitying him. He must feel able to take care of himself, even when he only needs a little support.
Step 5. Help him devise a plan to move forward
When he seems ready, ask him what he is going to do. Don't be surprised if he doesn't have a clue or isn't thrilled to talk about it. Give him some paths he might take by offering your help. Even when you give him some suggestions, rather than talking, try to listen to him, and offer him only useful advice.
- You should base your suggestions on something he has already told you.
- A great place to start is to ask him who or what might be useful to him.
- Watch for any signs that her emotional distress is getting worse.
- If you suspect he needs professional help, encourage him to consult one. Prepare yourself by collecting the contact information of people and associations that specialize in this field.
Part 3 of 3: Comforting an Emotionally Troubled Stranger
Step 1. Assess the situation as you get closer to the person
If you don't know why someone is visibly upset, first make sure no one is in danger, then try to calm them down. The best way to get the necessary information is to ask what happened. However, before proceeding, assess the situation to make sure you can approach them safely.
Initially, shop around. Are there other people who might know what happened or are able to help? Are there any apparent threats nearby?
Step 2. Offer your help
Approach the person and tell them that you are willing to help. If you don't know her, introduce yourself by saying, "Hi, my name is _ and I'm here to help." If she doesn't answer, keep asking her if you can have the pleasure of her company and don't hesitate to stay. As you sit down, try saying, "If you agree, I'll sit next to you for a while."
- Since you don't know each other, let her know about your work if she can reassure her about the circumstances - for example, tell her you are a teacher, doctor or firefighter.
- Avoid reassuring by generalizing. As tempting as you may be to say "It will be okay," such a statement does not consider what he is feeling in the meantime. It may even make her feel very upset if she is very upset, putting her in a position to refuse any kind of help.
Step 3. Ask what you can do
It is important to understand what happened. Ask simple but direct questions and try to clarify what happened. Precisely, what you need to look for is any clue that his problem may go beyond the emotional pain and find out what he needs. Keep in mind that you will probably not be able to resolve the situation. Your goal is to calm down those in front of you and make sure they get extra help if needed.
- Speak calmly, slowly and in a sweet tone of voice. Avoid whispering or yelling.
- Be willing to step back if he perceives you as a threat or behaves aggressively towards you. In these cases, make sure the authorities are on their way and keep a safe distance.
Step 4. Listen
Listening with extreme attention, especially a troubled person, requires patience and commitment. It is probably not appropriate to look her straight in the eye, as those in this emotional state feel vulnerable or embarrassed. The ideal would be to sit next to her and be silent. Make sure your body language is relaxed and avoid fidgeting.
- As she speaks, encourage her by nodding and making confirmation sounds to indicate that you are listening.
- If she is visibly shaken, don't question what she is saying. He may express himself in a senseless or even not very delicate way.
- Keep in mind that your goal is to console the person in front of you and not make a conversation, and that emotionality could take over rationality.
Step 5. Stay calm
Those who are going through a moment of strong emotional distress also undergoes chemical alterations that can induce a subject to a "fight or flight" reaction. In addition to being extremely sad, he may also feel nervous, easily irritable and confused. Additionally, they may have difficulty listening and concentrating and may not be able to follow what you are saying. As a result, try to instill calm and confidence in him.
If he insists on doing something drastic or unreasonable, don't argue. Instead, offer some alternatives and try to distract them from any resolutions that may be dangerous
Step 6. Be careful with a sense of humor
While a few jokes and a touch of lightness can help manage a difficult time, they are almost certainly not appropriate when a person is in a state of deep distress. Therefore, give it a chance to take the initiative. If she makes a joke about a comic side of the situation, laugh with her.
Humor can be very useful in the most serious of circumstances, because it offers a moment of respite and helps to ease the tension. However, before you try to lighten the situation, make sure the upset person likes a few jokes
Step 7. Stay until he calms down
Unless the other person is hurt or taking a serious risk, they probably just need to calm down. For example, if she has learned shocking news or witnessed a traumatic event, she may be shaken, but have no health problems. In these cases it is not necessary to call an ambulance, on the contrary its arrival risks making things worse. Continue to support her emotionally and wait for her to be able to talk to you or someone else and make decisions about what to do.
