Comforting a sad friend can be a delicate matter. When you try to offer your support, you may have a constant feeling that you are saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, making the situation worse. So, how to comfort an upset friend and make him feel really better? All you have to do is follow these steps.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Be supportive
Step 1. Physically demonstrate your affection
99% of the time, your friend would like to receive a hug, feel your arm wrap around their shoulders, or be taken by the hand. Most people like displays of affection - it makes them feel comforted, not alone. If your friend is so upset that he refuses to be touched, then this is a special case. But, in general, you can always start by showing affection. Your friend may feel too upset to start talking right away, but these little gestures can go a long way in making them feel less alone.
Try to understand how he feels. If you touch him and he approaches you instead of walking away, then you are making the right move
Step 2. Just listen
Afterward, you can offer your full attention. While your friend is talking, make eye contact, nod occasionally, and make comments when necessary. Above all, let him express himself and let him vent completely. This is not the right time to give your opinion or rant. You should let him explain everything that upset him so that he can better understand the situation. Some problems cannot be solved, but it can feel better if someone is willing to listen to them.
- Did your friend not explain the situation well to you? You can ask "Would you like to talk about it?". Then, you have to try to interpret what is happening. Maybe your friend wants to talk about it and needs to be encouraged, or he is just upset and therefore not ready yet. All you have to do is be there.
- You can make general comments, like “It must be difficult” or “I can't even imagine what you're going through…”, but don't overdo it.
Step 3. Make him feel comfortable
Maybe your friend is shaking after taking the rain. Bring him into the house and give him a blanket. Maybe he cried for an hour straight. Give him a handkerchief and make some tea. Let him sit down. If he seems agitated, offer him some chamomile tea. Did he spend the night in white because worries didn't let him sleep? Let it rest. In short, evaluate the situation and act accordingly.
- Your friend may be so upset that he doesn't care about his needs. This is where you step in.
- Don't think that he will automatically feel better if you open a bottle of wine or go buy a case of beer. Alcohol is not the solution to his sadness. Remember that it can be depressing.
Step 4. Don't minimize your friend's problems
He can be upset for a number of reasons. A serious reason: he just learned that his grandmother has been hospitalized. Not a serious reason: he just broke up with his girlfriend, after a six-week relationship. Anyway, while knowing objectively that your friend will soon get over this problem, which is nothing serious, now is not the time to put things in perspective. Otherwise you run the risk of being offended.
- In the beginning, you should take his problems seriously. And if your friend continues to whine for a long time about the breakup of a short-lived relationship, then you can intervene.
- Avoid making comments like "It's not the end of the world", "It will pass" or "I don't see the problem." Your friend is visibly shaken, so it's serious for him.
Step 5. Don't offer unsolicited advice
This is another move to be avoided at all costs. Unless your friend turns to you and asks, “What should I do in your opinion?”, You shouldn't intrude and explain, in your humble opinion, what the best five moves would be. This attitude will be perceived as if you feel superior and think that his problems can be solved very easily. Unless your friend looks at you with questioning eyes and says “I don't know what to do…”, wait a while before giving advice.
You can make simple suggestions, such as “You should try to rest” or “Drink a chamomile and you will feel better”, to comfort him at least a little. Don't say phrases like “I think you need to call Andrea right away and get it sorted out” or “I think you need to go to college right away,” or your friend will feel overwhelmed and annoyed
Step 6. You can tell him that you understand this (if it's true), but don't explain why in great detail
Here's another way to quickly annoy your friend. Unless you have found yourself in an almost identical situation, you shouldn't say "I know exactly how you feel …", because your friend will want to shout "It's not the same!". Sure, if your friend is sad about a serious breakup and you've also survived such moments, you can talk about it, but don't compare a three-month relationship with your friend's three-year relationship, or you'll hurt more than that. Well.
- Saying “I can't even imagine how you feel” is preferable to saying “I know exactly what's happening to you…”.
- Sure, it can be a comfort for your friend to know that someone else has gone through the same situation and survived, but in this case you need to express it gently.
- Comparing yourself to your friend is problematic because you may end up babbling about yourself without even realizing it.
Step 7. Find out if your friend wants to be alone
Unfortunately, not all sad people want affection and listening. Some cope better with these situations on their own, preferring to be isolated after talking about a problem. Is your friend like that? Don't asphyxiate him if he doesn't want to see anyone. If she tells you she doesn't feel like hanging out with others for a while, chances are she is serious.
If you think your friend is in danger of harming himself, then you should make sure you stay with him or ask for help. Otherwise, if it's a passing sadness, maybe it's time to take a step back
Step 8. Ask him how you can help
After discussing the problem with your friend, ask him what you can do to improve the situation. Maybe there is a concrete solution and you can help out. For example, he failed a math exam and you are a numbers genius who can tutor him. Other times, however, good solutions do not appear. All you can do is stand by his side and spend more time with him if he's going through a bad breakup. You can also suggest that he stop and sleep with you for some time.
- While there is nothing you can do but support him, asking him how you could help will allow him to feel less alone, aware that he has someone.
- If your friend thinks you are doing too much for him and feels guilty about it, remind him of the time he was by your side because you really needed it. What are friends for?
Part 2 of 2: Give it an Extra Touch
Step 1. Get your friend to laugh at it if the problem isn't too bad
If your friend isn't in pain for a serious reason, you can cheer him up by making a joke or acting funny. If you try to make him laugh too soon, you probably won't be successful. However, if you wait a bit and then try to cheer him up with a laugh, you might get good results. Laughing actually is the best of medicines. By being able to make a non-offensive joke about the situation or do something fun to distract him, you may be offering him temporary relief.
Of course, if your friend is absolutely devastated, humor isn't ideal
Step 2. Get him to distract
Another option to consider to boost your friend's spirits is to drag them into various activities. While you shouldn't force him to hang around clubs or invite him to a mega-costume party inspired by superheroes, you should go to him with a movie and a deluge of popcorn or offer him a walk. Making sure he is busy can help him find some relief, even if he may resist at first. You shouldn't force him to do a thousand different activities, but you need to remember that he will need to think about something else.
- He might say phrases like "I don't want to go out because I know I'll be a burden to everyone else." To which you can reply: “Don't be ridiculous! I like going out with you, in whatever mood you are ".
- It may be that your friend spends his days holed up in his room. Getting him out of the house and allowing him to breathe fresh air will do him physically and mentally good. Just go for a coffee at the bar downstairs.
Step 3. Do your friend some favors
If he is clouded with his thoughts, chances are he will neglect the tasks and chores of daily life. In this case you should intervene. If your friend forgets to eat, bring him a dish you made yourself or go to him and make dinner. If your friend hasn't done laundry in two months, buy some detergent. If her house is untidy, offer to go spring cleaning. Deal with his correspondence. If he's not in school, keep him up to date with his homework. These little favors may seem trivial if your friend is incredibly upset, but they are certainly useful.
Your friend may say that he doesn't want your help and that you have already done enough for him. You insist that it is a pleasure for you to lend a hand, especially in the darkest moments
Step 4. Get in touch often
Unless you have identical roadmaps, it is inevitable that you will spend time apart. If you know it is very sad, you cannot completely disappear from the radar. You should call him, text him, or visit him regularly to see how he is. While you don't need to pester him every three seconds by asking if he's okay, you should hear him at least once or twice a day if it's a bad time for him.
You don't have to say "I'm calling you to find out how you are". Better be thinner and call with an excuse, like asking him if he saw your brown coat. Then, invite him to lunch. He doesn't have to feel like you're babysitting him
Step 5. Sometimes your presence is enough to comfort him
Often, the best you can do to try to console your friend is to be there. You can rarely solve a problem for him or find the most suitable solution. Sometimes, he just has to wait or figure out what to do himself. In most cases, you can simply offer a shoulder to cry on, a friendly voice, ears to hear him with when he needs to speak in the middle of the night, and a source of kindness, reason and consolation. Don't feel inadequate if you can't do anything else.
- Explain that whatever the problem, everything gets better sooner or later. This is the reality, even if at the beginning it doesn't seem possible at all.
- Make an effort to free yourself from some commitments and spend more time with your friend. He will be very grateful for the attempts to make him feel better.
Advice
- Offer help if he's being bullied. In case you are classmates and you notice this situation, take him by the hand and hug him tightly. Protect it. Remind him that he can turn to you. Even though he is the only friend he has, always be on his side. Nobody else will.
- Hug him and tell him that you love him and that you will always be there for him.
- If he doesn't want to talk at first, don't keep calling and bothering him! Give him some time before he's ready to discuss it. At the right time he will turn to you to tell you about it and to get help.
- There is a big difference between a sad friend and a lonely friend looking for attention. If your friend seems constantly upset when he's around you and refuses to tell you what's wrong, then he just wants to draw attention to himself. If he were really sad, he wouldn't make these scenes and eventually tell someone about the problem.
- Invite him to dine out or go to an amusement park! Do what you can to get distracted and bad thoughts go away!
Warnings
- If the problem involves you directly, do the right cost and apologize! No matter what happened or who said or did what, is it worth losing a friendship for a trifle? If he doesn't accept your apology, your actions may have hurt or offended him. Give it time and space to get over it. If he cares about you, he will look for you!
- Don't force him to tell you what's wrong, if he seems in a bad mood or if he doesn't want to tell you anything!
- Never shift attention to yourself. If your friend tells you he's fed up with bullies' pranks, don't say “This is nothing! If you knew what happened to me last year… (and then proceed with a story that concerns you)”. Offer to solve his problem. He opened up to you, so show some compassion!
- Say kind phrases, like, "I love you, whatever you look like, whatever you do and whoever you are."
