Many kids think their parents are too reluctant to let them live freely. The causes are different. In some cases, children try to cross certain limits and grow up a little faster than their parents realize. In other cases, parents try to control their children's lives. Control can come from a variety of reasons, from perfectionism to fear of children making the same mistakes, but parents often don't even realize that this behavior does more harm than good.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Take Your Own Life into Your Own Hand
Step 1. Identify authoritarian behaviors
Some parents demand a lot from their children, but that doesn't always mean they are authoritarian. An authoritarian person uses certain tactics (explicit or subtle) to control others. Behaviors can vary, ranging from direct criticism to veiled threats. Here are some red flags to understand if you have an inflexible and domineering parent:
- It isolates you from other family members and / or friends, for example it does not allow you to cultivate relationships of friendship or kinship.
- He constantly criticizes you for irrelevant things, like your physical appearance, your way of doing or your choices.
- He threatens to hurt yourself or to hurt himself, for example by saying, "If you don't come home right away, I'll kill myself."
- His affection and acceptance are conditioned, for example he tells you: "I love you only when you keep your room in order".
- Keeps a list of all the mistakes you've made in the past to make you feel guilty or blackmail yourself.
- Does he use the sense of guilt to persuade you to do something, for example he tells you: "18 hours of labor to bring you into the world and now you can't even dedicate a couple of hours to me?".
- He spies on you or otherwise does not respect your privacy, for example he searches your room or reads your messages when you leave your cell phone unattended.
Step 2. Accept responsibility for your actions
Your parents may be domineering, but only you have the responsibility to choose how to respond. You decide whether to let them impose themselves or assert you. You are also in control of whether to react calmly or go on a rampage and make the situation worse.
To start reflecting on your actions, you can try standing in front of a mirror and talking to yourself. Work through different situations you might find yourself in with your parents and practice responding in the way you have chosen to react. This will make it easier for you to control yourself when the time for confrontation comes
Step 3. Don't fixate on pleasing your parents
Their responsibility is to make sure you grow into a happy, healthy and educated person. Your responsibility is to be happy, healthy and polite. If what makes you happy is light years away from your parents' ideas, you need to please yourself, not them. Life is yours.
Step 4. Develop an objective action plan
You will hardly be able to solve the problem overnight. You need a discreet and realistic action plan to start making your own decisions. Start small: First, convince yourself that you have the reins of your life in hand to develop greater self-esteem. This should gradually move you towards an increasingly independent decision-making process.
Step 5. Remember that you cannot transform your parents
Just as they cannot control your thoughts and emotions, you cannot change what they think and feel. You can definitely control your reactions, which can in turn change the treatment your parents treat you. Otherwise, it is up to your parents to decide if and when to change their personality.
If you force them to change, you will impose yourself just like them and repeat the same mistakes. Starting from this assumption, you will obviously prefer that they make autonomous decisions and that they make any changes according to their needs
Method 2 of 4: Improve the Situation
Step 1. Distance yourself from your parents
In these cases, people generally use their emotions to control each other. Anger, guilt or disapproval are used as weapons. If you want to free yourself from the tentacles of a domineering person (be it a parent or someone else), you need to distance yourself, for example by seeing them or calling them less.
If you live with your parents (especially if you are a minor), distancing yourself is not easy. You can, however, set limits. Get help from a psychologist or teacher
Step 2. Try not to get defensive
By walking away, your parents can get upset and attack you. If they complain because you don't see each other or feel unloved, try not to get defensive.
- Try saying, "I'm sorry you feel this way. I understand it's not easy."
- Before you start to see improvement, remember that the situation could get worse. However, it is important to keep your distance and avoid being touched by threats. For example, if your mother threatens to take her own life if you don't come home, tell her you'll call the police, hang up and go on your way. Don't rush to her and don't give in to her demands.
Step 3. End all financial relationships you have with your parents
Parents often try to assert their control using money. If you have the opportunity to be self-employed, separate your finances from theirs. It can be difficult, but you need to start paying your bills, buy what you need, and set a budget. Not only will you become more responsible, you will also free yourself from the clutches of your own.
It can be a difficult step for minors, but not impossible if you go step by step. Even if you don't have to pay rent and bills, try to earn income to take away some whims. Warning: while being autonomous from an economic point of view, your parents may not necessarily allow you to go out when you want. However, sweating the money you need to go to the movies eliminates at least one barrier they might use to control you
Step 4. Don't ask your parents for favors, otherwise they will feel empowered to negotiate
If you want something from them, you have to reciprocate. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you risk giving up the much desired autonomy. If you need help, reach out to your friends or other relatives.
Step 5. Recognize the abuse
If you are a victim, call an association that protects children in need or talk to an adult at school, such as a teacher or a psychologist. Abuse can take many forms, so if you are unsure whether you are a victim, try discussing it with an expert. There are several types of abuse, here are a few:
- Physical abuse, which includes slapping, punching, restraint, burns, or other types of injuries.
- Emotional abuse, which includes insults, humiliation, guilt, and unreasonable claims.
- Sexual abuse, which includes inappropriately groping or touching, sexual intercourse and other similar acts.
Method 3 of 4: Repair the Relationship
Step 1. Resolve past issues
Holding a grudge against one's parents or oneself is unhealthy and does not help repair a relationship. Consequently, you should forgive them for all the mistakes they have made. You should also forgive yourself for how you reacted to their mistakes.
- Remember that forgiveness has nothing to do with others. It is crucial for one's emotional well-being. By forgiving your parents, you begin to let go of the anger you feel towards them, but you certainly do not admit that the treatment you received was right.
- To forget someone, you have to make a commitment to consciously let go of anger. Writing a letter (which you will not send) is effective. Express your feelings honestly, what happened, why you got angry, and why you think your parents made certain choices. Conclude by writing a sentence like, "I don't tolerate what happened, but I've decided to let go of the anger. I forgive you." You can also say it out loud to yourself.
Step 2. Discuss respectfully with your parents
You need to explain how you feel and why you have distanced yourself. It is impossible for them to start working on a problem they do not know exists. Don't accuse them and don't disrespect them. Explain how you feel, don't talk about what they did to you.
Instead of saying "You have denied me things that rightfully belonged to me", a statement such as: "It seems to me that I never had the right to make decisions independently" is more constructive
Step 3. Set specific limits for yourself and your parents
After starting to mend the relationship, try not to fall into old habits. Determine right away which decisions your parents can play in and which ones they can't. Limits also need to be set regarding your parents' choices: when can you give voice to what you think or what can you expect?
- For example, you may decide to consult them for important study or professional decisions, such as which university to enroll in or whether to accept a job offer. However, you can exclude them from more personal decisions, such as who you are dating or an eventual marriage.
- You may also refuse to have your say on issues your parents try to involve you in, such as their love life. However, you can offer to support them for more serious problems, such as cancer or cardiovascular disease.
Method 4 of 4: Keep the Limits
Step 1. Once you've set limits, don't cross them
You cannot expect your parents to respect your spaces and limits if you cannot do the same with theirs. If you have any problems, discuss them openly to find a solution.
When a problem arises, it is good to talk about it constructively. Try saying, "I respect your limits, but I have a feeling you don't always do the same to me. What can we do to make sure we meet everyone's needs?"
Step 2. Address any violations that invade your personal space
If your parents don't respect the set limits, you need to get involved. You don't have to get angry or upset. Calmly explain that they are exaggerating and respectfully invite them to stop. If they take your needs seriously, they will listen to you.
Using humorous language can also be effective in dealing with bossy people. For example, if your parents are constantly criticizing your career choices, try joking about it by saying, "Wait for me to write this: mother is not satisfied with my work. Filed. Anything to add?"
Step 3. If the problem persists, walk away
If things do come back to square one, you might want to take your distance again. You don't have to end all relationships. Sometimes you get involved so much that you end up crossing the limits set initially. It can happen to them just as it can happen to you. Separate for some time and try again later.
Step 4. If the situation does not improve, you may want to see a psychotherapist
In some cases, the problems may be severe enough to require expert intervention to see some improvement. If you've tried to enforce certain limits and it didn't work, then propose this solution.
Try saying, "Our relationship is important to me, but I think we need help to improve it. Would you be willing to see a psychotherapist with me?"
Advice
- Let it out with a friend or family member - it might help.
- Before distancing yourself, talk thoroughly with your parents. The matter can be answered in a less unpleasant way.
Warnings
- If you are a victim of abuse and think you need help immediately, contact a child protection service.
- Don't assume your parents try to control you every time they give you advice. They usually want the best for you and have more experience.
