Coping with the death of a parent is one of the most traumatic experiences a person can have. While you will never really be able to overcome it, there are many steps you can follow in order to honor its memory and proceed with your daily life. The important thing is to give yourself time to process the loss and avoid being hard on yourself if you think it will take you "too long" to get better. Pain has no expiration date, you will only be able to move on when you are ready.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Accepting Your Feelings
Step 1. Face the pain in your own time
Don't be too hard on yourself and don't set a deadline to stop suffering. The Victorians took two to four years to mourn. While you don't have to do the same, don't expect to be ready to catch up on your daily routine after a few weeks, a month, or whatever other time frame you think is necessary. Instead, be patient with yourself and let go of any expectations you deem appropriate.
Try to keep in mind that grief is a process. You will likely feel this way for a very long time, although hopefully it won't always be that intense. Deal with it on your own time
Step 2. Accept that your father or mother wants you to continue living
While it's normal to get depressed, remember that he loved you and wouldn't want this to damage your life forever. As you work through the loss, try to recover what you enjoyed doing before it happened. Of course that's easier said than done, but it doesn't mean you have to forget that your father or mother was happy when you were too. It doesn't mean hiding all negative feelings under the rug, but you should make an effort to keep enjoying the little things as much as possible.
Obviously, if the loss has devastated you and you can't get back to your rhythm right away, don't let the memory of your parent make you feel guilty for not being able to get back on your feet
Step 3. Remember your parent
It will always be an important part of your life, anyway, even now that it's gone. Write down the memories you have of him, because, as time goes by, you won't want to forget those moments. You must know that he will never leave the place he has in your heart. Console yourself thanks to memory, without obsessing because you can't remember every little detail. Do what you can.
- You can talk to people who knew your parent to keep their memory alive. From time to time, you can also tell stories about him to people who didn't know him.
- Another possibility is to ask other family members questions about your parent, which will help you learn more about their life. This can enrich your knowledge about it and make her memory even more vivid.
Step 4. Take care of yourself
Try to be a little more understanding of yourself than usual. Take some time to relax, try to find constructive distractions, and put aside self-criticism for now. Although the pain is so great that it prevents you from thinking about your well-being, it is important to sleep at least seven to eight hours a night, eat three healthy meals a day, and move for at least 30 minutes, daily. Chances are you will need energy due to the loss, and keeping your body fit will help you not feel so lethargic.
Of course, sleeping and eating right won't help you completely forget about your parent. However, they will make your everyday life easier as you cope with the loss
Step 5. Recognize what is accentuating the pain
For example, if you have lost your father, you may need to spend extra time with your loved ones on Father's Day; if you have lost your mother, then you may feel down while engaging in certain activities, such as shopping, because you may have shared it with her. Knowing what will trigger more suffering will help you prepare yourself, not to be alone in these moments..
Step 6. Don't put too much weight on the five stages of grieving
While there are five steps to dealing with grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, that doesn't mean you have to go through them sequentially to overcome the loss of a parent. You may feel anger and depression at first, then deny; or you could be bargaining after the depression phase, and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone suffers differently, according to their own times.
Step 7. In the beginning, don't make big decisions
The death of a parent may make you realize that your marriage is now over, that your career is pointless, or that you should drop everything and become a pineapple farmer in Hawaii. As true as what you can see clearly is, you should avoid acting on impulse and making decisions you may regret, don't do it until you are able to think calmly. Deciding to change your life probably won't help you get over the pain faster, and you may end up with remorse.
Part 2 of 3: Finding Support
Step 1. Talk to a good friend
No one should be alone while in pain. When dealing with the loss of a parent, you may want to spend time alone, locked in a bubble. It is not a problem to prefer solitude for some time, but then you should force yourself to see some of your friends. This will help you socialize, get distracted, and have someone to help you manage your feelings better. Try to see those friends who love you, don't push them away.
- Remember that your friends are also likely to be in pain and may not know what to do or say. Appreciate their attempt.
- This does not mean that you have to go to clubs every night or to any party you are invited to; you don't have to hang out with large groups of people if you're not ready yet.
Step 2. Talk to a member of your family
Talking to a relative after losing a parent can be one of the best ways to find support. If you have another parent left, give them as much time as you can. He is also in pain and will probably need your support. While it can be painful to hang out with other family members, because they will remind you of your father or mother, it is much better than being alone and basking in your suffering.
To ease the pain, talk about your father or mother. You may not be ready to do this at first, but after a while, you will feel better
Step 3. You could see a psychotherapist
Some of these professionals specialize in helping patients cope with a loss. If you feel the pain is trapping you and preventing you from moving forward, you may want to contact an expert for help. Sure it can be of great help to talk about it with your friends or family, but sometimes getting the point of view and support from someone outside the situation can be effective in gaining a new approach in life. Psychotherapy is definitely not for everyone, but that doesn't mean you should be skeptical and not give it a try.
A therapist may also suggest some new approaches to dealing with pain. There is no magic solution, but receiving multiple opinions can help you find the right path
Step 4. Join a support group
Many people suffering from the loss of a parent come together to support each other. You may feel that your friends, living parent, or other family member can't help you that much because they can't really understand what you are feeling. Don't feel embarrassed if you feel the need to find outside help, and look for support groups in your area. You may know people who will help you move forward.
Step 5. Seek consolation in faith
If you are religious, then spending more time in a place of worship, be it a church or a synagogue, can help you look at the situation from another perspective and mourn. In case your religious group organizes many events, from barbecues to volunteer activities, join when you have the opportunity. Try to be active, so that you spend time with people who see it as you and who are supportive.
Step 6. You could get a pet
You may think this is ridiculous advice, but it's not to tell you that a kitten will replace your mother or father. Taking care of a four-legged friend can make you feel good and remind you that you are responsible for another living being, this can give you so much joy. If you are feeling very lonely and have been considering having a cat or dog for a while, then you should go to the animal shelter and adopt your own puppy.
Part 3 of 3: Reclaiming your Life
Step 1. Change your routine
Once you get back into the rhythm of things, start shuffling everything. If you do the same activities you have always done, then you will be more likely to experience particularly difficult situations at certain times of the day. Find ways to vary your schedule, such as going to study at another library or replacing the time you spent on the phone with your mom doing yoga. This does not mean that you should avoid everything that reminds you of your parent, but that you should change the organization of your schedule to start feeling better sooner.
Try a whole new activity. If you want to change your routine, sign up for that painting class you've always wanted to follow, have a coffee with your neighbor, who has invited you more than once to his house, or see the episodes you missed from "The Good Wife ". Treat yourself to some whim. It doesn't necessarily have to be something that will improve the mind or body
Step 2. Do what you liked
While you should try to vary your routine, it is important to recover your favorite activities if you do not want to lose the benefits they bring you. Whether you love painting, writing poetry, or working the soup kitchen, don't deny yourself what you love just because you think you're too sad to do it. You will soon realize that you can find a glimmer of hope, even if little, in what you adore.
If you don't feel like dedicating yourself to something you shared with your parent, like hiking or running, ask a friend to accompany you, in case you really feel like taking up this activity again
Step 3. Avoid alcohol for some time
This is not the right time to get drunk every night with your friends. Although it makes you forget about problems for a while, alcohol is a depressant, and it could make you feel worse. This feeling will present itself at the moment or the next day. You can have a couple of drinks if you like, but try not to upset your mental state too much. And if you're considering taking pain medications, talk to your doctor first to figure out if it's a good idea.
Step 4. Try to keep busy (but not too busy)
Try to fill your agenda with meaningful activities as much as possible. Make sure you see your friends at least two or three times a week and attend a social event whenever you feel like it. Also, leave the house at least twice a day, whatever you need to do. It's important not to neglect work or school, exercise and do what matters to you. As soon as a fun event is organized, mark it on the calendar so you will keep it in mind and look forward to it. Having a busy and active life will make you feel better overall, although sometimes you will need to motivate yourself not to give up.
This doesn't mean you have to force yourself to be busy 24/7, so much so that you don't even have time to sit down and think about your parent. Instead, you need to plan some time to spend quietly. As long as you are not always alone, it is essential to carve out moments to give space to your thoughts, even if you are not happy
Step 5. Make time for relaxing activities
It is important to make room for something that calms you down while in bereavement. This is the right time to indulge yourself and to dedicate yourself to what makes you feel best. You may not feel great, but you will definitely find some relief. Here are some ideas:
- Write your thoughts in a journal. Doing this on a daily basis can help you keep in touch with your inner self.
- Try yoga or meditation. It can help you restore balance to your mind and body.
- Go out later in the day. Go for a coffee or read in the park. The sun's rays and fresh air can invigorate you.
- Reread your favorite novels. They will give you relief.
- Listen to relaxing music. Nothing loud.
- Go for a walk. Exercise while letting your thoughts flow.
Step 6. Be patient with yourself
As you begin to appreciate your life again, don't overwork yourself. It can actually take months or years to start feeling the way you used to, and it's important not to rush. Provided you have goals and are looking to the future, it's not a problem to go step by step towards a new life without a parent. You should understand that, while you will never be able to fully overcome the loss, on the other hand, over time, you will be able to develop a new relationship with the parent you have lost.
Don't force anything. Listen to what your mind and body tell you. If you're not ready to take the big steps yet, then take your time. This is much better than expecting too much of yourself and breaking down. What matters is knowing that everything will be better, even if it will not be instantaneous
Advice
- Reading stories about other people who have gone through this pain could help you find your path. Ask around, read stories about the death of a loved one, or talk to a religious leader.
- Look at photos / objects that help you remember your parent. Listen to his favorite music and try to talk about it, don't hide your discomfort.
