Arguing often happens in a couple relationship. However, if you find yourself in a situation where a conflict has caused the relationship to break up, there is still hope that things will return to the way they used to be. There is no guaranteed method of achieving reconciliation, but you can focus on recovering your relationship by learning to deal with loneliness, identifying and resolving the problems you have with your partner through the appropriate way of communicating.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Short-Term Remedies for Coping with the Breakup
Step 1. Accept the situation
The first step to rebuilding a relationship that has gone bad is to accept the state of affairs and give up wanting to have control over your partner. Accepting emotions, thoughts and situations will help you make positive changes, because it eliminates your need to have the situation in hand and thus allows you to focus on the things you can truly control, such as your behavior.
- Let's say you got into a fight because you weren't spending enough quality time together. In a moment of anger, you separated. Try to accept your partner's feelings (anger) and leave some space for them to deal with and overcome these emotions. Accept that you are no longer together at the moment and keep the hope alive that you will be able to mend your relationship.
- Remember that your ex has the right to decide whether or not to get back together with you. You may have no control over the outcome of that decision.
- Ask yourself things like "Can I control this situation?", "Can I do something to fix it?". Imagine your partner broke up with you because you never spent time alone. Can you change the fact that you are no longer together? No, but you can control how you react to the situation.
Step 2. Focus on your physical health
Losing an important person can lead to physical problems, such as headaches, nausea, chills, high blood pressure, palpitations, and others. Consequently, it is important to look after your health so that you can combat these symptoms and deal with separation more easily.
- Make sure you get at least eight hours of sleep a night. If you can't sleep, try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises. Breathe slowly and deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth as you focus on your breath. Repeat the exercise until you feel completely relaxed or fall asleep.
- Exercise regularly, even if it's just a walk around your neighborhood. Cardiovascular activity, such as aerobics or running, can be particularly helpful, as it causes the brain to release endorphins, thereby relieving sadness.
- Drink plenty of water and limit caffeinated sodas, which can increase anxiety.
- Eat healthy. Often, we find ourselves eating junk or high-fat food to feel better, because food also causes the brain to release endorphins. However, bingeing or eating too many foods can elevate the feeling of stress and is not healthy for your body.
Step 3. Pay attention to your mental health
Losing an important person can lead to many mental health problems and negative emotions, such as anxiety, depression, anger, fear, difficulty concentrating, nightmares, memory loss, lack of common sense, impulsiveness, and rash decisions. Because of these possible symptoms and their negative effects, it is very important to be aware of your specific mental problems (everyone's emotional state is different) and to do your best to deal with the situation in the healthiest way possible.
- Try to be aware of the emotions you feel. Analyze your feelings: Do you feel anger, sadness or something else? How do you experience that feeling? Where do you feel it inside the body? For example, when you are angry you may feel very tense muscles, heart pounding, shaking and clenching fists.
- Know that some negative emotions are necessary and useful. The sense of guilt, for example, can help strengthen the bond between two people, because it pushes those who try it to improve their behavior with nice gestures towards the other.
Step 4. Pamper yourself
We often feel guilty, angry or depressed after a breakup or when we have problems in our relationship. It is important to know how to find peace of mind when you have to deal with these negative emotions. If you can't handle the situation in a healthy way, it will be more difficult to communicate properly with your partner when you ask him to come back with you.
- Use the strategy of your choice to overcome all negative emotions. For example, if you feel anger, you can kickboxing, punch a pillow, or yell into it to release some of the tension in a healthy way. If you feel sad, you can write your emotions in a journal, then watch a funny movie to cheer yourself up.
- Avoid drinking alcohol or using other substances to deal with this difficult situation. Under the influence of alcohol, you may make bad decisions, such as trying to talk to your ex. Communicating with him while drunk might say things you don't think.
Step 5. Improve your self-esteem
Learn to accept yourself and have more confidence in your means, admitting your weaknesses; this can help you bring about positive changes.
- Learn to live alone: try shopping alone, eating alone, going for a run without your friends, etc.
- Focus on the best aspects of yourself and your individuality, detaching yourself from your previous relationship. Remember that you are a unique person, with characteristics and talents different from everyone else. To focus on your qualities, write down everything you like about yourself, from your hair to your attitude.
- Do the activities that work best for you. Some examples include: art, writing, DIY, cooking, exercise, and sports.
Part 2 of 3: Using Your Communication Skills
Step 1. Open the negotiating table
After a breakup, the idea of having to approach your partner again can scare you. However, the most important aspect of initiating contact with your ex is to listen carefully and respect their needs. If you try to talk to him and find that he is not ready to argue with you, it is important to give him time and space. Let him know that you are willing to meet his needs.
- Try making a phone call, texting, or emailing him. Just a simple one: "I'd like to talk to you about our situation. Does this seem like a good idea?". If your message is ignored, avoid bombing it, just leave another message and explain that you'd like to talk about what happened. You have to wait until your partner is ready for the conversation.
- If your ex is well disposed, offer to meet you in person. Public places are ideal, because they are neutral. You can go for a coffee, or if you prefer more privacy, for a walk.
- Avoid showing up unannounced at his home, school, or work place. This action can be interpreted as a violation of your privacy and can lead to further conflict. At this stage, you must pay attention to the wishes of the previous partner and respect his personal space; if he's not ready to see you or talk to you about what happened, forcing him to meet you would only lead to a fight again.
Step 2. Communicate face to face
To successfully resolve a conflict, it is best to talk about the problem in person, so that you can reach a compromise or a solution that is satisfactory for both parties. This makes it easier to understand the content (the message) and the context (non-verbal communication such as tone of voice and posture) of what is being said.
- Avoid discussing these issues via text, email, or over the phone. Use that type of solution only to set up a meeting.
- Try to arrange a meeting in person to discuss what happened.
Step 3. Use assertiveness
Assertive communication is the most powerful tool at your disposal when discussing problems within a relationship, because it allows you to express your feelings and needs appropriately. Thanks to this strategy, your message is more likely to be received positively.
- Be direct, but speak tactfully. If you want to come to a reconciliation, it will be helpful for you to express your desire directly. For example, you might say, "I really want to make things right between us, I don't want to lose you."
- Use first-person affirmations like, "I feel _, when you do _". For example, you can say, "I feel angry when you walk away while I try to talk to you about a problem." You can also explain what you'd like your ex to do: "Next time a problem arises, do you think we can talk about it?"
- Demonstrate understanding and willing to help. Try to understand his point of view. Avoid jumping to conclusions or taking offense personally. Just focus on experiencing what happened. You can say, "I understand that you are angry. You have every reason."
- Ask clarifying questions, such as, "You said you are mad at me because we don't spend enough quality time together and because you feel like I ignore you, is that it?"
Step 4. Avoid aggression
Some examples of aggressive communication and behavior include: yelling, cursing, belittling or insulting the other person, interrogating, threatening, glaring, bullying, throwing objects, and hitting. These attitudes do not allow you to build a positive relationship.
- Don't beg.
- Don't be too pushy. Try to understand that "no" means "no".
Step 5. Limit passive communication
Here are some examples: saying nothing, avoiding the other person, ignoring them, hiding something from them, accepting everything they want, inability to say no, taking all the blame, apologizing when it is not necessary, avoiding eye contact, and snoozing.
Don't avoid the problem just because you can't solve it. Instead, try to assertively communicate what you think
Step 6. Resolve the conflict
Mediation skills are very helpful in recovering a relationship.
- To arrive at a resolution it is important that you are able to admit your mistakes. Identify what your actions contributed to the breakup and admit it to your ex. Apologize for the way you behaved.
- Point out the positive aspects of your relationship and the characteristics of your ex that you like. It can be especially helpful to talk about its separation-related qualities. For example, you can say, "I know I was angry, but I really appreciate that you were able to express your opinion and tell me you wanted to spend more time with me."
- Focus on collaboration and don't compromise your values. Try to reach an agreement that is favorable for both of you and set realistic expectations for the outcome of the conversation.
Step 7. Commit to making positive change
Marriage and relationship experts often cite the importance of focusing on solving problems that can be solved and letting go of differences that are irreconcilable or minor. For example, if your partner frequently makes critical comments, the problem can be solved by learning the most effective communication techniques, such as assertiveness. On the contrary, if you don't appreciate a character trait of your partner (for example he is too extroverted) it is very difficult to correct this problem; some qualities of a person cannot be changed.
- Start by asking your ex directly what he would like to change about your relationship. If you can find a compromise on his request, you will be able to come to a solution together.
- Let him know that you are willing to make the necessary changes to recover the relationship. You can say, "I commit to _, _ and _". For example: "I make a commitment to spend more time with you, to respond to your messages and phone calls, and to control my anger."
- To bring about positive change, you can participate in couples therapy sessions or a relationship education class.
Part 3 of 3: Identify Relationship Problems and Remedy Them
Step 1. Recognize the reasons for the breakup
To be able to recover a relationship, the first thing you need to do is identify the reasons that led to the separation.
- Make a list of all the things that contributed to the problem. This will help you organize your thoughts better and understand what you need to do to get back with your ex. An example list could be the following: excessive anger, little time spent together, ignoring the problem, not responding quickly enough, walking away from difficult conversations instead of confronting them and belittling my partner.
- Try filling out a relationship worksheet, identifying your current relationship status, your and your partner's concerns, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, as well as the outcome of the relationship.
Step 2. Forgive
Forgiveness facilitates conflict resolution. This happens because if you can forgive your ex, you will have a more optimistic outlook and a better overall emotional state. Instead of thinking too much about your partner's mistakes, you have to accept his mistakes and flaws.
In principle, it is not necessary to forgive your partner face to face. You can practice forgiving by trying to understand their point of view (empathy). Remember that to err is human
Step 3. Make positive gestures for your ex
Sociable behaviors can help you recover from broken relationships because they allow your partner to appreciate you and focus on the best aspects of the time you spent together.
- Here are some examples of helpful behaviors: apologizing, offering to pay for something, giving a gift, doing a favor, giving a compliment, and helping out.
- Avoid insulting your partner or engaging in other antisocial behaviors, such as ignoring him, yelling, hitting him, throwing objects, etc.
Step 4. Reconnect with your ex
Some of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship are the sense of connection, intimacy, admiration and mutual support. Focus on creating a strong bond with your partner by spending quality time with him.
- Set up a meeting with your ex where you will focus only on reconnecting, rather than discussing previous problems. This way you will see each other with less pressure and your ex will remember all the positives of your relationship. Here are some examples of fun and intimate dates: a romantic dinner, a picnic in the park, a walk by the sea, a hike or watching the sunset together.
- Express your admiration by telling him what you appreciate about him.
- Try to always find a deal with your ex to reduce the likelihood of a conflict. If he talks to you about a problem, let him know that you understand his point of view.
Step 5. Participate in relaxing activities together
Research shows that people involved in stressful situations develop negative thoughts about their relationship. Consequently, to create a more positive environment and encourage your ex to regain intimacy with you, you need to reduce your stress level as much as possible.
- Invite him to do something fun and relaxing, like cooking together (as long as it's a simple recipe!), Have a whirlpool, get a couple's massage or sit in front of the fireplace sipping a glass of wine.
- Try to minimize stress by dimming the lights, lighting scented candles, playing soothing music, and controlling the room temperature.
- Avoid potentially stressful situations such as driving in traffic, crowded and noisy places like bars or concerts and all activities that take place in very high or very low temperatures.
Warnings
- Do not do anything dangerous or illegal, such as stalking.
- Do not make promises you can not keep.
