Dealing with a breakup is always difficult, and understandably seeing your ex girlfriend with someone else is particularly painful. While you might try to win her back as soon as possible, it's best to be patient. If you interfere with her new relationship, she may think you don't respect her right to make her own decisions. In the meantime, work to improve the shortcomings that led to the breakup. Even if she isn't interested, you will end up being a more satisfied person and a better partner in your future relationships.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Taking Time Away
Step 1. Give your ex some space and respect her decisions
As difficult as it can be to see your ex with another partner, you need to respect her personal boundaries. Give it space and take some time to strengthen your self-esteem, make personal changes related to the breakup and gain a new perspective on what happened.
- The best way to show that you truly care is to respect her choices and allow her to find happiness. For now, her path may not coincide with yours, but over time you may both be of the idea of rekindling your love story.
- It is best not to try to get back together with her if she is seeing someone else. However, even if you don't want to wait until he's single again, you should still take some time to gain self-esteem and clear your mind.
Step 2. Think about the reasons that led to the breakup
Think about the events that led to your separation and try to objectively assess what caused it. Reflecting on the breakup can help you identify the changes you may need to make to rebuild the relationship. Alternatively, you may realize that it happened for a good reason and that despite the pain you feel, it's for the best in the end.
- Ask yourself, “Were there any warning signs? Did we slowly drift apart in time or was the breakup sudden? What role did I have and what changes can I make so as not to fall into the same pattern if we get back together?”.
- Also, be honest with yourself about your compatibility with her. Upon reflection, you may find that the breakup was caused by irreconcilable differences between you. For example, she may not want children, while you want nothing else.
Step 3. Make a list of the things you need to improve on
If you want to get your ex back, you will need to show her how you dealt with the problems you contributed to the breakup with. Even if you are unable to jumpstart your relationship, making personal changes can help you be a better partner in your future relationships.
- Taking responsibility doesn't necessarily mean you have to feel entirely responsible for the breakup. Don't look for ways to blame yourself and don't dwell too much on what you could have done. Just focus on finding opportunities to feel fulfilled.
- For example, maybe you prioritized work over time with your ex girlfriend. Significant changes could include pursuing interests unrelated to work and taking care of your physical and mental health.
- If you've cheated on her, seeing a therapist or counselor to investigate your underlying reasons for being unfaithful could prove that you really intend to improve yourself.
Step 4. Dedicate yourself to activities and goals that will boost your self-esteem
You'll have a better chance of getting your ex back if you approach her from a safe position. She is more likely to respond positively if you feel good about yourself than if you start crying and begging desperately. Improving your self-esteem is also great for your overall well-being and can help you get through the breakup.
- Activities like running or cycling, for example, can improve your physical and mental health. Breaking your personal bests can also boost your self-confidence.
- Joining associations or courses related to your interests can help you find new friends. Meeting new people can also give you a fresh and more optimistic outlook.
- Professional achievements can boost your self-esteem, so try to achieve your goals at work or school.
Step 5. Try dating other people, but be honest with them about your situation
Seeing you with other people can help you understand that there are a lot of fish in the sea. If you are more optimistic, you may have a clearer understanding of wanting to get back to your ex.
Let people you date know in advance that you are in a relationship and that you are not looking for a serious relationship. Don't fool anyone into thinking that you are going to commit to something important
Step 6. Ask yourself why you want to get back together with your ex
As you work to get a better perspective, consider why you want to try again with your ex. Try to figure out if these reasons are always strong or if they diminish as you heal from the breakup. Try journaling your progress and re-reading what you wrote in the following weeks.
- Ask yourself, “Do I still want to try to fix things, even after gaining a broader perspective? Is it possible that I wanted her back to me because of my pain or because I clung to the habit of being with her? ".
- Breakups are difficult to deal with; however missing someone doesn't necessarily mean you should get back together. Before trying to get back to your ex, be honest with yourself and figure out if you are really meant for each other.
- It can be difficult to objectively look at a relationship after a painful breakup. If you are unsure whether you can think about the relationship with detachment, ask a close friend or relative for help.
Part 2 of 3: Recover the Relationship
Step 1. Get closer to her after you've cleared your mind and made some changes
Self-confidence is attractive and you probably won't have much luck if you cry or beg desperately. Instead, get in touch with her when you feel good about yourself and understand your place in life.
- Also, if your ex is considering getting back together, she needs to know that you're serious about making things right. You need to show her that you hold yourself responsible for the end of the breakup and that this takes time.
- For example, if you broke up because she thought you were irresponsible, try to win her back after showing her that you are working on your flaws. You may have gotten a better job, paid off a debt, or started keeping your home cleaner.
Step 2. Ask her to meet for coffee or tea
Although you can call her or text her to let her know that you would like to meet her, you should wait to express your feelings until you see each other face to face. A casual, relaxed setting can help you get comfortable, so meet at a cafe, have tea, or take a stroll in a quiet park.
- Try to be friendly, casual, and lighthearted when you ask her to meet you. You might say to her, “Hey, I hope everything goes well! I've been thinking about you a lot lately and was hoping we could talk. I understand if your first answer is no, but I would really appreciate it if we could have a coffee and have a chat”.
- Even if you are old enough to drink alcohol, still avoid meeting her for a cocktail. You may think alcohol helps you calm down, but it's best to stay awake and focused.
- If she doesn't want to meet you, accept that you can't force her to do something she doesn't want. Respect his choice and try to move forward.
Step 3. Look your best when you see yourself
You want him to find you attractive, so show yourself well-groomed and well-dressed. Take a shower, make sure you smell good, and wear clean clothes instead of showing up unwashed, with messy hair and sweatpants.
- Choose clothes and hygiene products that you know she likes. Maybe you had a dress that she always complimented you on, maybe a cologne or perfume she loved.
- Looking after your appearance can show her that you have self-esteem, that you are in a good mood, and that you take care of yourself.
Step 4. Start by apologizing for your mistakes
Specifically dwell on what you are sorry for and don't make excuses or say things like "I'm sorry you feel this way." Recognize where you went wrong by using honest language and don't joke about it.
- You could say, for example, "I am very sorry that I neglected you for work and put my ambitions above your needs. I did not respect you as you deserve and took you for granted."
- Focus on your responsibilities instead of pointing out your mistakes. She may follow your lead and apologize for her shortcomings, but don't force her to do so.
- If you feel it's all her fault and you have nothing to apologize for, trying to get back together might not be a good idea.
Step 5. Show her how much you have changed, instead of making empty promises
In addition to recognizing where you went wrong, you need to show her that you are moving in the right direction. Tell her what changes you have made in your life and that you are committed to continuing to improve yourself.
- If she's in a relationship right now, try saying, “We had problems when we were together, but I've made some real changes. I respect your choices and I understand if Gianluca makes you happy. However, I believe we are made for each other and I hope you will consider getting back with me”.
- Flowers or chocolates might help later but, especially at this early stage, self-improvement is more important than gifts. He doesn't have to think you're just trying to buy his affection.
Step 6. Let her know that you want to commit to a new relationship
After you've demonstrated your desire to change, explain that you are serious about not making the same mistakes again. Emphasize that you want to build a new relationship. Empty promises lead nowhere, so it's essential that you've actually made the improvements you're talking about.
For example, you might say, "I had time to realize how irresponsible I was. You deserve to be with someone who can control the situation and I want to be that person, for my own good and yours. progress and I undertake not to stop in this direction"
Step 7. Calmly restore your relationship
If she responds positively, let her know that you want to move slowly so mistakes don't happen again. Instead of picking up where you left off before the breakup, build a friendship, hang out together, and work to solve the problems that divided you.
There is no set time, but it may take several weeks (or months) to smooth out the differences. Going slowly and gradually is best in the long run and will help you build a stable foundation for the second round of your relationship
Step 8. Seek help in couples therapy
Seeing a psychologist who specializes in couples therapy is especially helpful if you are going through a divorce or separation, have children, or have serious breaches of trust in your relationship, such as episodes of infidelity. A professional can offer you an objective perspective and help you overcome the deeper problems in your relationship.
Part 3 of 3: Accepting the End of the Relationship
Step 1. Allow yourself to be sad and don't rush the healing process
If you've tried unsuccessfully to restore the relationship, you've in a sense experienced two breakups. Feel free to feel sadness, anger, and frustration. It might be painful, but over time things will get better.
There is nothing wrong with taking time to cry and bask in pain. Expressing your suffering is part of the healing process, so let it happen. It may take weeks or months but, little by little, you will begin to move forward
Step 2. Trust friends and family you trust
Venting your emotions with loved ones can help you recover. Call a loved one to take some weight off your chest or go out with friends and family to distract your mind from what happened.
Call someone you love and say, "I find it hard to forget Claudia. I really thought we could try again and I don't understand why she doesn't want to try to fix things between us. Do you have time to meet or drop in on me? need a friend right now”
Step 3. Stay active by exercising and pursuing your hobbies
Exercise is a key part of self-care and it is important to maintain your physical and mental health during the grieving process. In addition, training releases hormones that help improve one's mood and that could help you vent emotions such as anger or sadness.
Go for a run or bike ride after work or school, join the pool or gym. Group exercise programs and yoga or martial arts classes are also great ways to make new friends
Step 4. Challenge yourself to stop fantasizing about the relationship
If you've tried unsuccessfully to fix things, continuing to keep hope alive will only make how you feel worse. As difficult as it is, you need to acknowledge that the relationship is over and it's time to move on.
It's totally normal to still be in love with your ex, even if you have to accept the fact that she doesn't want to be with you. Do your best to keep a positive mindset and wish him a happy life, even if he won't be with you
Step 5. Take the opportunity to become more resilient
After going through a very painful separation, think that if you have managed to overcome all of this, you can overcome anything. With each passing week you will feel a little better and realize that this experience will have made you a stronger person as well as a better partner in your future relationships.
Advice
- If you try to win her back while she is still seeing her ex, she may think that you are selfish or that you don't care about her right to make her own decisions. As difficult as it is, allowing her to pursue her happiness on her terms shows that you really love and respect her.
- If she is back with an emotionally or physically abusive ex, help her out as a friend instead of trying to get her to get back with you. Let her know that you care, that you are worried about the situation, and that she can rely on her supportive circle instead of going back to a potentially dangerous relationship.
- If you have children and are trying to fix things, don't tell them until you're sure you won't be separating anymore. Doing a constant push and pull can be confusing for children.
