Infidelity is one of the most painful things that can happen in a relationship. If you think your boyfriend is cheating on you, you will need to confront him about it. After making sure he's actually cheating on you, dealing with his infidelity, and deciding whether to break up with him or keep dating, you can make it as easy as possible to deal with an unfaithful guy.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Investigating the Betrayal
Step 1. Talk to friends and family you trust
People who know your relationship probably spend a lot of time with you and your boyfriend. Perhaps they have noticed a change in his behavior or seen something that would confirm his infidelity. Since they know you well they are likely to empathize with you if they have something to share.
- It is not easy to deal with this topic, but you could try saying, "I think Luca is cheating on me. I trust you and I wanted to know if you have seen or heard anything about it." By letting the person know how much you respect them, they will be more likely to help you if they can.
- Try to control yourself when trying to steal information from trusted people to confirm infidelity. They are more likely to curl up if they feel accused or somehow complicit in the betrayal.
Step 2. Look for suspicious communications
Nowadays it is very difficult to carry on a relationship without leaving any trace, especially electronic. Start investigating your boyfriend's public communication channels to see if he's cheating on you.
- Check out her social media profiles. Are there any unusual posts on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram?
- Keep an eye on the phone calls he makes or receives.
Step 3. Observe his commitments, his habits and note any deviations from the norm
A break in established habits could be a sign that your boyfriend is cheating on you. Is it a morning person who has suddenly turned into a night owl? Think of all the facets of your life together that have recently undergone major changes that you are unable to explain.
- If your boyfriend has very different hours than he usually does, it could be something important. Are you always late lately while usually very punctual?
- Observe your home life. Are you two people who rarely fight but now it happens often? Think about when the changes from the usual patterns started and how long they have been in place. Can they be explained in another way, such as a big commitment to a work project? If not, there might be something behind it.
- The physical part of a relationship is very important. If you used to be often intimate, but haven't had sex for months now, another person might be involved.
Step 4. Talk to the person your boyfriend is cheating on you with
Only do this if you have found evidence of the betrayal. Many people, even traitors, feel overwhelming guilt for their behavior. If you think you know who your boyfriend is cheating on you, it can be helpful to talk to her before dealing with him. He may think he owes you explanations for ruining your relationship.
- If you decide to go this route, keep calm during the conversation. The person you should be angry with is your boyfriend, who had a commitment to you and not this stranger. It's also possible that she didn't know your boyfriend was having an affair. You have to talk to her just to find out more details.
- It may not be easy, so only choose this option if you feel calm and comfortable having this conversation. Only approach the other person if you have solid proof.
- The ideal is to talk in person or on the phone, so he will understand that you are a real person. It is likely to ignore a text message. You could call and say, "Maybe you don't know, but Luca and I are in a relationship. I think you are in a relationship with him too. I wanted to talk about it with you."
Part 2 of 4: Confronting Your Boyfriend
Step 1. Find a good time to talk
Don't confront your boyfriend on your lunch break or right before bedtime. You will need enough time to discuss what happened. Try to find a time when he is not busy with other activities or, if necessary, ask him to move some appointments.
- You might say, "Do you have time today or tomorrow to talk about something important?" He will probably be able to reorganize his commitments.
- Trust your instincts and try not to back down once you've made the decision. Stay focused and relax by doing deep breathing.
Step 2. Stay calm
Confronting your boyfriend about something as important as cheating can be very stressful. You may be angry or depressed. Before talking to him, take a few deep breaths or talk to a friend on the phone to try to calm down.
Being overly stressed may cause you to attack him, which will put him on the defensive. The goal of dealing with him is to let him know that you know everything and to find out the details that you are not yet aware of
Step 3. Tell them
If you are sure he is cheating, you might say, "I have evidence that you are cheating on me." It will be harder for him to deny it, as he could if I asked him, "Are you cheating on me?". If you are sufficiently certain that he is cheating, but not 100%, you could say, “I believe you are cheating on me.” This seems more declarative and decisive than “I think”. Pause and let him answer. It is his duty to explain himself.
If he denies that he is in a relationship, present him with evidence that he is lying to you. If you don't have firm evidence, you will have to make a difficult decision about whether to trust him or not
Step 4. Get details
Gather all the information you need to make a decision about the future of your relationship. You might ask, "How long has this been going on?", "Are you in love with her?" and "What does this mean for the two of us?".
Step 5. Find out his intentions
He may have betrayed you because he wants to break up with you but doesn't have the courage or he may be desperate for forgiveness for this terrible decision. In any case, it is important to understand whether your boyfriend has a desire to move forward with your relationship or not.
If he wants to be with you, it doesn't mean that you have to too. If you find that you want to move on, though, you'll need to figure out if you have an available partner or not
Step 6. Find out how you feel about what you have discovered
Does what you've learned about his betrayal make you want to move on with him? Don't make a decision in the heat of the moment. If he pushes you to make an immediate decision, take some time. You might say, "I'm not ready to make this decision right now. I need time to think."
Taking long walks or talking to friends are great ways to process your feelings
Part 3 of 4: Ending the Relationship
Step 1. Tell him directly
If you don't want to continue your relationship, you will have to break up with your boyfriend. Find a good time to talk to him in person. There is no need to provide an elaborate explanation or justify how you feel. You can just end things with respect.
- For example, you might say, "I've thought about it, and because you've cheated on me, I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore."
- Calmly communicate what you need to tell him. Try not to be vindictive, even if you feel hurt. Just because you haven't been treated well by your boyfriend doesn't mean you have to lower yourself to his level.
Step 2. Take the necessary precautions if your boyfriend is violent
If your boyfriend has violent tendencies, be sure to let a friend or relative know where and when you will break up with him. The ideal could be a public place, with other people around. You could tell your friend something like, "I'm breaking up with Luca today at 3pm in the park. If I'm not home by 4, call the police."
Step 3. Focus on yourself for a while
After the relationship ends, you may be overwhelmed by mixed emotions. Take some time to focus on yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. It may be helpful to reconnect with the people and activities you enjoy that have fallen by the wayside during the relationship.
- For example, if you loved painting, you could sign up for a painting class in your area. The basic idea is to connect with yourself as an individual, rather than as part of the old couple.
- It helps to take the time to heal before throwing yourself back into a new relationship. Take the time you need to strengthen your friendships and relationship with family; learn to take care of yourself before starting a new relationship.
Part 4 of 4: Staying Together
Step 1. Specify what they need to do to regain your trust
If you decide you want to leave the betrayal behind and continue the relationship, it will be important to tell your boyfriend what he needs to do to regain your trust. Make a list of all the concrete actions it can take to begin repairing some of the damage it has done.
For example, if the person she cheated on you with is someone you both know, you may need to stop seeing her as a friend as well. Or if your boyfriend's cheating started on a drinking night with friends, he might make a commitment to go home within a certain time frame for a month to start letting you know that you can trust him again
Step 2. Request more communication
Your boyfriend should understand that you may need more communication from him than usual to start rebuilding trust. It can be helpful to have predetermined times to hear when you are away, so you don't have to start worrying.
- You might say, "I know you're going out with your friends tonight. You can text me after dinner and then again when you get in the cab to go home, so I know what to expect?"
- Telling each other how you feel as you deal with the consequences of this betrayal will keep you connected. This will also allow him to act respectfully towards your emotions in the future.
- For example, if the betrayal started with a disagreement about getting married, you should make an effort to talk about that part of your relationship. You might say, “I understand that you felt rejected when I rejected your proposal. I love you very much, and I want to marry you someday. Now, however, I feel that I have to proceed calmly”.
Step 3. Establish rules for rebuilding trust
Establishing new ground rules in the relationship will help you trust that your boyfriend will do what he says. This is especially important since he is telling you that he wants to carry on the relationship. Now more than ever he needs to show that words will be followed by deeds.
For example, if your boyfriend cheated on you using an online dating site, you could make a rule that every time you walk into the room and he's at the computer, you can look at the monitor to see what he's doing. This temporary imbalance of power can help you restore trust in the relationship, and her small concession to privacy shows her willingness to put you first
Step 4. Get couples therapy if needed
If you and your boyfriend both want to work on your relationship but don't know where to start, it can be helpful to have a third person who can mediate between the difficult emotions of cheating. A couple therapist can provide constructive feedback and home exercises that will both help build confidence again.
