In any relationship, it is normal and healthy to argue and can serve to express unfulfilled needs and communication problems. Sometimes, however, it can be overkill and exhausting. You may be confused by the idea of being friends with a bully person. Either way, you can hope to save your friendship and decrease conflict, but it's up to you.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Resolve Conflicts
Step 1. Stop and think with your feet on the ground
If you notice that a fight is about to be announced or you find yourself reacting to the words of a friend, give yourself a moment to reflect and calm down. Take a few deep breaths and remember not to react.
Realize that you are not responsible for what others do or say, but only for how you act and react. Try saying, "I'm the one who decides how to respond to people and I prefer to feel comfortable right now."
Step 2. Choose your battles
Leave the futile problems behind and focus on the most important ones that absolutely must be addressed, bearing in mind that not all differences must lead to a fight. Sometimes, people enjoy seeing others react. Don't give in by being dragged into a fight.
- Change the subject or tell your friend that you don't want to talk about a particular topic.
- Be careful not to respond in a hostile way. There is a difference between saying "I'd rather not discuss this" and "Stop touching this topic!".
- Sometimes, you really feel the need to discuss some things, but it's not necessarily the right time. In such cases, try saying, "We need to talk about it, but I'm not in the mood right now and I don't want to say things I might regret. Can we discuss this later, when I have had time to think and calm down?"
Step 3. Pay attention to your gestures
Look at your body and see if it communicates anything to your friend that could lead to an argument. Notice if you look him in the eye (or if you avoid eye contact), study your body position, your gestures and facial expressions. If you are distant or hostile, the other person may notice and there is a risk that such a situation will lead to an argument.
- When body language is closed, you are prone to cross your arms or cross your legs, look away or move away from your interlocutor.
- When your body language is aggressive or hostile, you are more likely to grind your teeth or clench your fists, twitch your muscles, blink or fidget.
Step 4. Avoid responses that favor a conflict situation
Nobody behaves flawlessly when arguing. Especially if the disagreements continue, it is likely that the other person is not totally in the wrong and that you also bear your share of responsibility. Therefore, you should analyze how you react and how you feed a bickering. Here are the most deplorable attitudes during a dispute:
- Inability to recognize what matters to the other person
- Angry, violent or defensive manifestations;
- Shame ("I can't believe you behaved this way. Only an evil person would go that far");
- Refusal ("I don't want to have anything to do with you and your apology. They mean nothing to me").
- Inability to find a compromise;
- Fear and attitude that leads to ignoring contrasts; have a bad feeling about how it might turn out.
Step 5. Take Your Responsibilities
Save others time and energy and take your blame. This attitude is not a sign of weakness, but it indicates that you are ready to recognize your role when relationships fall apart and that you intend to solve the problem.
Simplify things without delving into explanations or providing justifications. Better to say, "I'm sorry. I dumped my stress on you. I realize I was nervous because the cat ruined the curtains and I took it out on you."
Part 2 of 3: Resolve Conflicts with the Other Person
Step 1. Take a step back
Don't let past discontent or differences re-emerge during an argument. Are you angry with the other person or are you nervous because traffic often makes you late and now you are taking your frustration out on them? Also, notice if there is similar behavior on the other side as well. Maybe a friend feels overwhelmed by school, work or family commitments and has no way to vent his stress. Unfortunately, we tend to put our stress on others. Take that into account.
Think about any stressors in your friend's life that are causing him to lose his temper. Then, talk to him about it, showing him that you are really worried
Step 2. Put yourself in his shoes
Once you have analyzed the situation from another point of view, try to empathize with it. Your friend may not be able to cope with the stress he is experiencing and that he is taking it out on others. If you show understanding by understanding what people may feel, you will be able to communicate effectively. You will allow those in front of you to feel heard and you will be able to dissolve all kinds of conflicts.
- Identifying does not mean sharing the point of view of others, but showing understanding towards what they are feeling (in other words: "I imagine how all this has upset you").
- Reflect on your friend's words and feelings: "You say you feel stressed and sad. I too would feel the same way if I were in your shoes. I understand perfectly why you are having a difficult time."
Step 3. Focus on the other person's needs
Conflicts often arise because people have different needs or needs that they cannot express. If two people feel appreciated, supported and understood, differences are unlikely to arise. Think about what's behind the words of those in front of you. Then consider to what extent you probably don't support or appreciate it. Realize that a fight could get worse if you don't deal with it directly.
- It may be that your friend wishes to spend more time with you and that, on your part, you are not very helpful towards him.
- Think about how you can help him. Show him you're not giving up on him.
- If you're not sure what he needs, talk to him about it. Ask him, "How can I be a better friend?"
Step 4. Talk to him
Approach and tell him that you want to discuss the negative turn your relationship is taking. Do this without showing hostility and not entering the discussion by listing anything you don't like about him. Rather, be willing to resolve any differences that have arisen between you and listen. Let's say you are worried about your friendship and want to settle your differences. He is likely to feel the same need too.
- Listen carefully and allow him to express everything he feels and thinks.
- Be sincere, but also respectful. Remember that your goal is to clarify yourself, not to blame the other person.
Part 3 of 3: Turning the Page Together
Step 1. Establish some ground rules
It may be that there is no total agreement on certain topics, for example on the teams you support, on religion or on political ideas. Decide by mutual agreement to avoid this kind of talk, asking your other close friends to do the same and to respect this choice in your presence.
Step 2. Communicate in a way that fosters openness and problem solving
Do not close yourself and do not seek a confrontation with a friend when disagreements have arisen. Make sure you are open to interacting in a positive way. Foster an atmosphere conducive to problem solving, making sure that everyone expresses his or her state of mind and asking for an explanation when something is not clear to you.
- Do not meet up with your friend fearing that you will not be able to find an agreement. Rather, go to him with the hope that things will work out.
- Do not predispose yourself to disagreement, but focus on the best aspects of your meeting or choose more constructive topics. If the other person wants to discuss climate change, say, "It's very nice that you care about the environment. It's something I admire in you."
Step 3. Create a way out
If you notice that the tension is rising between you, find a way out. There are signs of disagreement on the horizon, so be on your guard when you get the impression that there is a bit of a rush. Change the subject, move on to a different topic, or say, "I'd rather not discuss this."
If you have mutual friends, ask for their help when you need to break up an argument by talking about something else or taking the conversation in another direction
Step 4. Forgive
It is useless to hold a grudge. It makes you feel bad and ruins friendships. By harboring resentment, you also risk being more inclined to notice all the other person's flaws, aggravating the disagreement. Learn to forgive your friend and move on, so you will continue to cultivate your friendship.
Warnings
- Not all fights between friends are healthy. If you can't get along with someone and your friendship isn't worth saving, consider this relationship well.
- Don't yell or express yourself in a vulgar and rude way. It is important to communicate, but not in a violent and furious way.
