Not all mothers-in-law are kind. Some will bake you cookies and support your every decision, or are simply happy to be part of your life and let you live it as you see fit. Others are hostile. They constantly speak ill of you and undermine all your choices. This situation can become terribly stressful for your husband, as he will always end up in the middle of it. If you really love him, try your best to get along with your mother-in-law. She is not a woman who can simply be ignored and hoped for her to disappear, or magically transform into a kind person. You will need to strive to forgive her despite her meanness and make a commitment to build a decent relationship with her. If your mother-in-law is more of a troll than a fairy princess, then this guide is for you!
Steps
Step 1. Reflect on how you feel about your mother-in-law
Can you put yourself in his shoes and understand what are the reasons why he interferes in your decisions or judges you? The person you married is important to her too, so after all she must be good!
Remember that whatever your feelings, your mother-in-law remains one of the most important people in your husband's life. Make sure the problem doesn't stem from deep jealousy of him
Step 2. Act like you like it
You have to show your husband that you can be good friends, even if your mother-in-law is a very difficult type or just different from you. This will make him feel comfortable, and in case she doesn't like you, your husband won't think the reason lies in something you did or said, because you made an effort to build a good relationship.
Step 3. Be polite
If you are in a negative relationship with your mother-in-law, the hardest thing to do is keep your mouth shut when making critical or fussy comments. Being polite does not mean tolerating what she does; you have every right to defend yourself, but don't go down to his level.
- Even if he tells you despicable things, don't repeat them.
- Don't criticize her in front of your husband. Your husband is between a rock and a hard place, and even if he were on your side, he will never be able to say it openly in front of his mother.
- Always speak well of her to your husband. If the latter talks about something he did or plans to do, make a nice comment. Try to compliment her every time you see her, with phrases like "you look great today", or "your hair is really beautiful today". It doesn't matter if she is an ugly or messy mother-in-law. This will show your husband that you are working hard to have a good relationship with her.
- Don't let yourself look down on it. If you are nervous or angry about something, don't let your mother-in-law notice. He may use it against you by talking to other family members, or even your husband, and he may try to make you appear negatively about the things you said in a moment of anger. Always show her a nice smile and talk to her quietly.
- Try not to criticize your husband in front of her, or you will only put yourself in a bad light.
Step 4. Use humor
Warding off criticism with humor can ease the tension and bring the discussion back to a more serene level. If you feel like your mother-in-law is only ready to complain, answer her with a witty joke.
For example, your mother-in-law is complaining about bad weather again. Respond by saying, “Better than sitting in the house complaining about the cold. Let's go to the sea!"
Step 5. Praise her for her positive aspects
Always do this when you are with her, and be honest. If you compliment a behavior that you think is positive, you encourage that person to repeat it. Ignore hostile behavior, focus only on its positive aspects.
- Thank her for raising a wonderful son (your husband)!
- Flatter her by referring to her the compliments made by your acquaintances (for example, “Giovanna told me, - your mother-in-law is fabulous-”).
Step 6. Be nice and get to know her
Your mother-in-law has had her problems, her joys and her losses, just like you. And just like you, she is tied to the person you married. Take some time to ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. Perhaps the cause of her grievances is to be found in her past experiences, perhaps she is afraid that you and your husband will repeat the same mistakes she made in her youth. If you understand her fears and concerns better, you will have a chance to reassure her.
- Ask her questions that show respect for what she tells you. Ask her for a recipe for a cake that she always prepares and that you love. Ask her how she manages to keep her hair always in style. Ask her how she managed to balance work with her children. Ask her whatever is on your mind and allow her to talk about herself. You will learn a lot and you will have the opportunity to reassure her about the things she does best at.
- The next time you are in her house, try to spend a few moments with her in the kitchen, or sit next to her for a chat. If the conversation goes wrong, you can always get up and say you need to go to the bathroom, or sit on another chair!
- Ask her to do something for you, if you think she won't take it as an imposition. Ask her to make you lunch. Ask her to correct your report before submitting it. Ask her for a professional opinion on something that falls within her competence, she will be happy to help you or offer you advice.
Step 7. Give her a gift
Bring a gift to your mother-in-law just because she is someone special in your life. A gift can show her that you care, as long as you have put a minimum of effort into it. Make something by hand, or personally choose something in her favorite style or color. If you need it, get help from your husband, and then say that the gift is from you. Make sure it's something she likes. If she notices that you have thought of her and that you know her tastes, you will be able to conquer her.
Step 8. Clarify misunderstandings
Don't let your mother-in-law's statements about you and your life affect your relationship. In this you can openly manifest your thoughts, even if they do not want to listen to it. Be assertive and when she invents things or interprets them as she pleases, tell her over and over that the situation is not as she describes it. Repeat it politely, but firmly. He will understand that there are points you want to insist on, regardless of his statements.
- For example, your mother-in-law keeps comparing your lives, stating that hers is full of difficulties and yours is lucky, look her in the eye and say clearly, “Barbara, I can't understand why you describe our lifestyle in this way, but I assure you it is not. We are still paying the mortgage, just like you, we are paying university taxes, and we are trying to save some money to have a nice vacation and allow the children to have fun. Ours is not luck, we manage money well and save every penny to make sure our children have good experiences. " He keeps repeating "it's good money management, not luck" every time he addresses the subject. Sooner or later it will stop.
- If your mother-in-law questions your appearance or weight, or that of your children, face her. These views are too personal and invasive. For example, you might say, “I appreciate the fact that you are concerned about my health, but I'm in a non-risk weight range, and I eat well. My doctor considers me healthy as a fish! ", Or" I understand that you are worried about Giovannina's appearance and weight, but I prefer to focus on her personality and intellectual development, rather than making her feel uncomfortable because of her his physical appearance. Giovannina eats well and her doctor thinks she is as healthy as a fish!”.
- When you retort directly to your mother-in-law's complaints, you take away every weapon of offense, and you also make her understand that if she crosses the line, you are willing to fight for yourself and your family.
Step 9. Leave some space for her
Allow her to spend some time alone with her child. You cannot expect there to be no conflict if you are always attached to your husband and do not allow him to be with his mother.
Don't compete with her. If your mother-in-law prepares the best parmigiana in Southern Italy or replies with a hilarious dig, don't try to surpass it. Instead, highlight the things that convinced your child to choose you as a wife. There is a lot of room for both
Step 10. Talk to your husband about it
Communicating with your husband is essential. If he doesn't know how you feel, he could drag you into a situation in which you might prefer not to find yourself, such as asking you to take care of your sick elderly mother. Find a time when you can sit together and deal with the matter calmly and gently.
- Talk kindly to your husband about it (remember it's his mother). Tell him the facts, not your opinions. For example, if your mother-in-law tried to hit you with the SUV, report what happened. Don't say, "She's very bad, she wants to kill me!" Explain it clearly, without being rude or offensive, “Ah, Michele, I'm worried about the sight of your mother. Last week he was about to reverse me in the SUV, even though it was broad daylight and I was wearing a bright red dress.”.
- Discuss calmly. Ask your husband what he thinks about his mother's behavior (present the facts, not your perceptions). If you both share the same opinion, he will recognize your honesty.
- If it applies to you, it can also apply to him. Don't be afraid that your husband hates your mother to death! Remember, if you only noticed it now, then he managed to hide it from you well. So don't expect me to keep hiding it from you.
- If your husband decides not to take a stand, don't be surprised. He loves you equally, it would make no sense to take a stand.
Step 11. Be understanding, regardless of your personal feelings
Okay, you found out she doesn't like you, and she probably already knows you don't like her. This does not authorize you not to visit her anymore. Remember that she is your husband's mother, and the mother is very important in your child's life. Don't be rude if your husband decides to visit his mother on Saturday afternoons. You have to allow them to nurture their mother-child relationship. Go see her with your husband, or your mother-in-law will think you are inept, and that will only make you more detestable. Remember that the goal is to "get along" with your mother-in-law.
You can decide to set a limit on visits. Don't prolong situations that you are sure you cannot handle. If you are forced to stay in the same house with her, shorten your stay time
Advice
- Accept that he will always see you in a different light than your husband. If you want to resolve an issue or tell her something about her behavior, get your husband to do it. Some mothers-in-law manage to turn the omelette upside down so that you always look like public enemy number one!
- Remember, chances are he has nothing against you personally. Your mother-in-law may think that there is no woman good enough for her child. This is his psychological problem, not yours.
- Let your mother-in-law and husband spend time on their own without you. Talk to your husband in advance and ask him to tell her that he will love her forever, only now that he is married he needs more time for his family.
- Respect her and take care of her. She's not your mother, so don't expect the same treatment. Mutual respect and responsible behavior are sufficient elements to live happily together.
- If she calls you and you can't answer the phone, call her back, otherwise she'll think you're avoiding her on purpose. There is nothing worse than behaving in a passive-aggressive manner, he would understand immediately. Ignoring it won't help you improve your relationship. Call her back as soon as possible and don't go too far if you can.
- If you have children, avoid being hostile to your mother-in-law. If he treats children well, he shouldn't be so horrible. Make sure your personal feelings don't stop your kids from seeing their grandmother. Let your husband take the children to his mother and this will show him that you are not the kind of woman who uses her children in a manipulative way. Disliking your mother-in-law is one thing, but if you start preventing her from seeing her child or grandchildren, then the problem is not your mother-in-law, but yours.
- On the plus side, the more years go by, the more likely your relationship with your mother-in-law is to improve.
Warnings
- Don't complain about her all the time. You and your husband are in love and happy, aren't you? So why let someone spoil this idyll. Don't constantly complain about your mother-in-law. If your husband starts talking about his mother, don't take the opportunity to start criticizing her. You nod, smile and change the subject. Simple.
- NEVER ask her to come and live with you.
- Don't let it control your life. If you've done your best to try and win her over and she still hates you, then you have two options. The first is to talk to her. Say "I feel you don't like me. What have I done?". The second is to turn the page! Your mother-in-law is but a small part of your life. Go to work, raise your children, love your husband and take care of your parents. Don't let a bad person ruin everything.
- Don't pretend! If your mother-in-law is over 25, then she has a lot of experience behind her. If you act sloppy, he'll know you're faking it. It's true, she doesn't like you now, but if you start being too kind she might get suspicious and decide to always keep an eye on you.
- Don't declare war on her. The digs are tolerable, the screams are not. If you find yourself yelling at her, “I hate you! I wish you died!”, Then you went too far. The rule is this, if you treat her as you treated your mother when you were a teenager, then your contempt is too obvious. Take a step back and buy her some nice gifts!
- Don't tell your kids you hate her. If your husband has siblings, try to figure out if they are on your side.
