Forgiving someone who has hurt or cheated on you is one of the hardest things to do in life. In any case, learning to forgive is a necessary step if you are planning to rebuild your relationship with someone or if you just want to leave the past behind and look forward. Deal with negative emotions, confront those who hurt you, and start moving on.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Coping with Negative Emotions
Step 1. Realize that anger could become harmful
Forgiving someone who has hurt you can be a bitter pill to swallow. Your first reaction will likely be to hold a grudge and blame the person who hurt you. It is a natural feeling. However, know that getting carried away by anger and pain hurts you more than the person your resentment is directed at. Consequently, forgiving is something you do for yourself, not for the other person.
Holding a grudge can ruin future relationships with other people, cause depression or resentment, and isolate you from others
Step 2. Choose to forgive
To forgive, you need to make the conscious and active decision to let go of the negativity and try to move on. It is neither a spontaneous nor a simple act. Forgiveness is something you need to work on.
Quite often, people claim that they "can never" forgive those who have harmed them. They are convinced that overcoming pain and betrayal is impossible. Yet what they don't realize is that forgiveness is a choice: when you choose to forgive those who hurt you, the person who will benefit most from this decision is you
Step 3. Let go of anger
Detach yourself from all negative feelings you have towards the other person. Try crying, punching a punching bag, going to an isolated place and screaming, or anything else that allows you to unload all your pain. Otherwise, the negative feelings will intensify causing further pain.
Remember that you are not doing this to lighten the conscience of the person who has hurt you, or to justify their actions, but to heal your wounds and move on
Step 4. Look at the general background
Try broadening your point of view by taking a step back and looking at the situation more objectively. Was this person really going to hurt you? Were the circumstances beyond her control? Did he try to apologize and make things right with you? Reconsider everything and calmly analyze the situation: if you can understand how and why it came and created, it will be easier for you to forgive.
Honestly ask yourself how many times you have been wrong with others and how many have you been forgiven. Remember how you felt and the relief and gratitude you felt when you received forgiveness on the other side. Sometimes, it's helpful to remember that we too can hurt people
Step 5. Talk to someone
Confiding in someone you trust will help you process your feelings and gain an impartial point of view. Just letting off steam may help you take off a big burden. A friend, family member, or therapist can listen to you or perhaps offer you a shoulder to cry on.
Even if you may be tempted to talk to the person you are having a hard time forgiving, wait until you are in a quiet place and reflect on everything you feel. This will prevent you from going on a rampage, further damaging the relationship
Step 6. Find a positive way to express yourself
It will help you to release negative and destructive feelings, but also to overcome your problems. Try keeping a journal, writing letters, using creative methods like painting, dancing, listening to music… In short, keep yourself busy doing anything that helps you release tension and makes you feel good.
Positively managing your emotions will make you more aware of the problems you face. This is the key to recognizing and mastering negative feelings, instead of simply ignoring them
Step 7. Seek inspiration from others
Read or hear stories of others who have forgiven, even in more difficult circumstances than yours. This could be a spiritual guide, a therapist, a member of your family, or just someone who has written about their experiences. They can give you hope and increase your resolve.
Step 8. Give yourself time
He doesn't forgive himself with a snap of his fingers. It takes self-control, determination, compassion, and most importantly, time. You will have to work on forgiveness, step by step, every day. Remember that no one comes to the end of their life thinking "I should have been angry for longer." After all, the really important things are love, empathy and forgiveness.
There is no ideal time frame for forgiveness to mature. You may find yourself holding a grudge for years, only to realize you can't help but reconcile with the other party. Follow your instinct
Part 2 of 3: Confronting the Person Who Injured You
Step 1. Don't judge hastily
It is important not to make hasty judgments when dealing with who has harmed you. If you react too quickly, you may say or do things that you later regret. Before taking action, take some time to process what you have discovered and to better inform yourself.
Whether your partner or family member has hurt you, don't react drastically. Think about everything you have experienced with this person and consider whether it is an isolated offense or a repeating attitude. Try to think calmly and rationally before saying something you may regret or permanently eliminate this person from your life
Step 2. Ask for a meeting with the person who has hurt you
Invite this person to an uncrowded place. Make it clear that talking does not necessarily mean that things will return to normal between you, but that you want to know what he has to say before making a decision. Explain that you are willing to hear his side of the story.
Step 3. Listen to his version
While listening to the other person, try to stay calm and let them talk. Don't interrupt it and don't contradict it. If your relationship is in jeopardy, the least you can do is listen to what he has to say.
Even though the situation may seem clear to you, you should always give yourself the opportunity to hear the other party's point of view. What you learn about may surprise you, and if nothing else, you will come to make an informed decision on what to do next
Step 4. Try to have compassion
Try to understand the person who hurt you. Put yourself in his place, wondering what you would have done in a similar situation. Would you have behaved differently?
Try to understand what reasons or intentions it was motivated by. Did he want to intentionally hurt you? Did he have your best interest at heart? Or, simply, did he act superficially?
Step 5. Don't cut the bridges
When you talk to someone who has hurt you, don't say or do anything irreversible. Attacking her angrily, making accusations or insulting her will probably make you feel better at the moment, but in the long run it won't help the situation. It's counterproductive and can ruin your relationship forever.
Stay calm when confronting the person who hurt you, and avoid accusatory phrases when addressing them. Instead of saying "You made me feel like…", try saying "I feel like…". Breathe deeply, and if he says something that provokes you, count to ten before answering
Step 6. Tell her how you feel
Once you have had time to calm down and think calmly, explain in a clear, calm, and balanced way how much he hurt you and how his behavior made you feel. It is really essential to do this, otherwise anger and resentment risk settling, making sincere forgiveness impossible. Clarify how this has affected your relationship, especially if you are dealing with your partner.
Once you have clearly and precisely expressed what you feel, it is equally important to look ahead. If you have decided to forgive this person for their behavior, you cannot blame them for how much they hurt you every time you have an argument or hit the same button all the time
Step 7. Don't even try to "settle the score"
When working on forgiveness, it is important to abandon the idea of "getting even" or taking revenge. All of this will only hurt more people - including yourself. It is necessary to show a more mature attitude. So try to forgive and look forward. Rather, make a commitment to regain lost trust and your relationship; it is especially important if the conflict involves a relative. It is best to release any kind of family tension, since presumably you will find yourself interacting with this person for a long time.
For example, if your partner has cheated on you, you won't solve anything by reciprocating with the same coin - you will only cause more pain and resentment. Two wrongs don't make a right. Your forgiveness doesn't matter much if you only grant it after getting your revenge
Step 8. Let it be known that you have forgiven
If someone who has hurt you asks for your forgiveness, they will feel grateful and relieved that you can work to rebuild the relationship. If he doesn't ask, at least you've lifted a weight off your stomach and can move on with your life.
Remember that forgiving doesn't necessarily mean things have to go back to normal between you. If you feel like you've been hurt too many times or if you feel like you can't trust the other person anymore, that's okay anyway. The important thing is that you are clear about him. It may seem easier in a romantic relationship that has come to an end, since you will most likely not meet as often as often. Instead, it is more difficult in a family context, in which we usually see each other with some regularity
Part 3 of 3: Turn the Page
Step 1. Think about what you want
It is important to understand that forgiving does not mean allowing the other person to continue being a part of your life. Decide if you intend to mend the relationship with her or let her go. Therefore, you have to think long and deeply about your relationship. Is it worth rebuilding? Is there a chance he'll hurt you again if you let him get close again?
In some situations, such as in abusive relationships or if your partner cheats on you multiple times, it is safer and healthier to exclude them from your life. You deserve better
Step 2. Focus on the future
Once you have decided to forgive, you need to forget the past and focus on the future. If you feel it is worth rebuilding the relationship, then you can slowly start moving forward. Tell the other person that, despite their betrayal, you still love them and that you want them to be a part of your life.
If you keep digging through the wounds of the past, you will never be able to truly forget and move on. Look for the bright side and see the situation as an opportunity to start over. It might even be what your relationship needs
Step 3. Gain confidence
It can be difficult to get it back after being injured. However, you must learn to trust yourself again, your judgment and your ability to make informed decisions. Later, you can begin to recover it from the other person.
Make a commitment to be completely open and honest about everything with one another. Proceed day after day. Trust doesn't suddenly come back. You need to give the other person time to show you their commitment to regaining your trust
Step 4. Make a list of positive things
Look on the bright side by making a list of the useful things this experience has taught you. They could include: expanding your ability to understand and forgive, gaining valuable life lessons about trust, or building a closer relationship with those who have hurt you since you worked hard to overcome your problems together.
If you begin to remember the hurt and pain the other person caused you, don't let such a thought make its way into your mind. If not, you will most likely have to go through the past for answers. Don't see this as another reason to get angry. Instead, consider it as an opportunity to bounce back
Step 5. Remember you did the right thing
Perhaps your forgiveness will mean nothing to the person you have given so much to - sometimes, in fact, it is absolutely not possible to rebuild a relationship. However, even if the situation didn't turn out as you hoped, you did the right thing. Forgiveness is a noble deed and you will not regret having done it.
