If you have discovered that your husband has cheated on you and it seems impossible to even think of forgiving him, do not lose hope. Process the emotions you are feeling and move away from him for as long as you need. When you feel ready, call him to speak seriously. Although forgiveness is the goal of a rather long process, learn to deal with it gradually by seeking with your husband to renew your relationship as a couple.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Processing Your Emotions
Step 1. Accept your mood
Don't ignore your feelings by pretending they don't exist, but face them. Recognize what you are feeling productively, such as by writing or talking to a friend. Focus on your emotions and how you physically perceive them.
- Don't be surprised if you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, upset, sad, confused, or incredulous. It is normal to feel a thousand emotions at the same time.
- Your state of mind can bring clarity to this whole situation. For example, you may realize how important your marriage is to you or how much your husband's behavior hurts you.
Step 2. Express your emotions in a healthy way
Especially if you feel angry, you may react without thinking. Even if you are tempted to take revenge or hurt him in turn, this approach will not help you get better or get any closer to forgiveness. Find a way to process your emotions on your own without dumping them on your husband.
- If you are furious and need to vent your anger, punch a pillow or go for a walk.
- A diary can be a great way to process and understand your mood. Write by reflecting on your situation and expressing what you are feeling.
- You can give vent to your emotions by drawing, writing, composing poems or songs and dancing.
- Avoid using alcohol or drugs to deal with this emotionally difficult time.
- Try not to project your anger onto your husband, friends, children, and other family members. Don't make sarcastic comments and avoid passive-aggressive attitudes towards them.
Step 3. Calm down if you feel very upset
If you instinctively react to anger or bewilderment, you risk doing something you may regret. If resentment and agitation take over, walk away and try to calm down. Go to another room or go out for a walk. Don't blame your husband and avoid any decisions that could hurt him, you or your relationship.
- Take a few deep breaths to relax your body and mind.
- Manage the most difficult emotions using sensory perceptions. Focus on one sense at a time, trying to establish a deep connection with your ability to sense external stimuli. For example, notice all the noises around you, from outside the house to the footsteps you hear in the next room.
Step 4. Take your time
It is normal for you to feel the need to distance yourself from your husband, especially if the discovery of his betrayal is recent. In these circumstances, it is not easy to live under the same roof, so ask a friend or family member if they can host you temporarily. However, if you decide to stay at home but feel uncomfortable sharing the same bed, sleep separately for now.
- The situation could get complicated if you have children. Maybe try telling them that you want to take a few days off or that you will temporarily sleep in another room. It is not necessary to let them know what happened.
- Explain to your husband that this is a temporary situation. If you can, let him know when you get home so that you can both prepare to mend the relationship.
Step 5. Avoid blaming yourself
Blaming yourself for the betrayal will do no good. You'll only get worse. Even if you think your behavior contributed or led to this situation, don't make it an obsession. If you feel partly responsible, take your responsibility, but don't blame yourself.
If you tend to blame yourself for what happened, try to be understanding and forgiving of yourself instead. Learn to love yourself by prioritizing your health and well-being, giving love to yourself and the people around you
Part 2 of 4: Communicating with Your Husband
Step 1. Ask him questions you feel you need answers to
Some women prefer not to know the details of their partners' extramarital affairs, but if that knowledge helps you forgive and recover the relationship, feel free to ask. Try to focus on emotional issues rather than logistical ones. For example, instead of asking your husband in which hotel they met, ask why he decided to cheat on you. It is a healthier way to move towards forgiveness.
- Look for the answers you need. For example, ask him if he has already had tests for sexually transmitted diseases or is willing to do them.
- Ask him if he plans to leave you or if he wants to save the marriage. Clarify this point as soon as possible so that you prepare for the future and move forward.
Step 2. Tell him how you feel
Betrayal can bring up a variety of feelings, fears and insecurities. For example, if you fear that he may repeat the same mistake, you are worried that he does not love you or you cannot forget the hypocrisy of his behavior towards you, do not keep it all inside. It is important for your husband to know to what extent his infidelity has challenged you and what difficulties you are facing in order to move forward.
When you let him know what you think and feel, express yourself firsthand. This way you will avoid blaming or humiliating him. For example, you might say, "I feel extremely hurt and disappointed."
Step 3. Listen to it
He may make justifications or harbor such regret, sorrow, and self-loathing that he cannot hide them. It will be comforting to hear him take responsibility for what he has done and express empathy for you.
- It may take some time before you believe that his words are true and full of meaning.
- If you want to save your marriage, it is important that you show remorse for what you have done. Even if you have to acknowledge his needs within your relationship, don't blame yourself for his betrayal.
Step 4. Talk about the situation by setting boundaries
You definitely don't want her adventure to be at the center of your relationship. You don't have to ignore it completely, but neither should you make it the only topic of discussion. By setting limits, you can have a healthy and fruitful confrontation. For example, if one of you wants to talk about what happened, make sure there is enough time to discuss it seriously.
- If you always end up discussing his betrayal, take a few steps back to re-establish boundaries in your communication, such as addressing the subject only once a day or a week.
- If you have children, agree not to discuss them with them.
Step 5. Find out where your relationship is going
If you choose to forgive your husband and move on together, make sure everything is clear between you. He should explicitly tell you that he wants to rebuild your marriage and make it work. If he's unsure about moving on or seems more likely to get a divorce, keep talking. If you want to break up, let them know openly.
If you want to mend and improve your relationship, you should renew your mutual commitment. When you feel ready, you can also regain physical intimacy
Part 3 of 4: Getting to Forgiveness
Step 1. Remember that forgiveness is a matter for you alone
While your husband may feel relieved that he has been forgiven, keep in mind that this decision involves more of the person making it. Typically, those who harbor anger and resentment suffer more than the person who experiences the effects of these feelings. Forgiveness means getting rid of pain, resentment and being willing to move forward.
- Whether you continue the marriage or decide to divorce, it is in your best interest to put it all behind you and forgive your husband.
- Forgiving does not mean saving the marriage at all costs. That said, if you don't want to leave your husband, forgiveness will help you heal this wound and move on.
Step 2. Forget the past
Realize that if you get back together, you will both have to commit to building a new relationship without trying to recover the old one. Be prepared to move in a different direction to create something new. Forgetting means that the desire to create something new must be greater than the grudge or the thought of being stuck in the past.
- Forget the resentment, but also the sense of guilt and injustice. While this is easier said than done, you need to write a new chapter in your relationship.
- Organize an oblivion ceremony during which you write down what you want to forget, then burn the papers. It will help you put a stone on what happened and celebrate the start of a new relationship.
Step 3. Go to therapy
If you decide to get back together, couples therapy can prove to be a valuable aid in healing the relationship. It will help create new roles within the couple and envision the future in a different way from the past. Even if you choose to part ways, she can encourage you to do so in a friendly and appropriate manner.
- Talk to a professional who specializes in couples therapy. You might even be looking for one who specializes in treason.
- You can find a psychotherapist by consulting the Internet, by asking your doctor for advice, or by following a friend's suggestion.
Step 4. Regain trust in your husband
It's not by checking his phone or his emails that you will come back to trust him. Doing so may even ruin what's left of your relationship. To rebuild trust, start communicating openly and sincerely. Choose to believe what he tells you instead of inquiring or doubting. Although it takes time, you go on peacefully trusting that everything is going well.
Cynicism and doubt stand in the way of rebuilding trust. If you are having a hard time giving credit to your husband, consult a therapist
Step 5. Improve your relationship
If you decide to move forward by renewing your relationship, you re-establish the union and the bond in a different way from the past. For example, if you have had communication problems, try to improve the dialogue by speaking honestly. If, on the other hand, the problem was with sexual intercourse, experiment with new interactions that give you mutual pleasure. Support each other by exploring new and meaningful avenues together.
- For example, start keeping a diary in which to collect thoughts, hopes and dreams as a couple. Write in turns and encourage each other.
- If you don't know where to start, a therapist will be able to point you in the right direction and support you along the way.
Part 4 of 4: Seeking Support
Step 1. Confide in close friends and family
It is not easy to face this situation alone. Talk to reliable friends or relatives you can confide in. If you know someone who has gone through a similar experience, they may be the best person to talk to. If you just want him to listen to you or if you also want advice, say it clearly. In this way, it will be able to meet your needs.
- If you want your confidences to remain so, ask her to keep it confidential.
- Even when you want to give vent to what you are feeling, avoid continually criticizing or insulting your husband. Not only will you hinder the healing of your wounds, but you will put your confidants in a difficult position if they are also his friends. Instead, just ask for their help and support.
Step 2. Join a support group
You are not the only one suffering. If you want to meet other people who have gone through a similar experience, contact a support group. You will be able to tell your situation to those who can understand it because they have lived it on their own skin. You may also receive advice, exchange ideas, and find out how it is possible to forgive an unfaithful husband.
Search online for a support group or ask your healthcare provider. If you can't find it in your city, consult the Internet
Step 3. Rely on the support of the church and groups in your community
Seek support within the community you live in. Whether it is a church, another place of worship or a sports club, it makes no difference: the important thing is to receive the support of others. If you are having a hard time telling your situation, just explain that you are having a hard time and that you need friendly people.
You don't have to report what happened to you. It is up to you to decide. In any case, set clear limits so that your privacy is respected
Step 4. Make your children feel supported
Most couples prefer not to let their children know about any cheating. Even if you don't report anything, keep in mind that it could increase tensions in the home or between you and your husband. Give your teens love and support, keep their life going normally, and ensure your presence in the important things that concern them.
- Don't answer questions you don't have answers for. For example, if your children notice that you are having a fight and ask, "Are you and Dad going to get a divorce?", Respond by saying, "We are going through a difficult time and I know it's hard for you too. We love you and don't want you. worry ".
- Family therapy is a great way to relieve tension in the home when there are children. It helps to understand to what extent they can be affected by this situation and how to support them.
