After hurting someone, it's not always easy to be forgiven. Exposing yourself by apologizing can be intimidating, but it will be worth it once the report is recovered. Having decided to resolve the issue instead of ignoring it is already a good step in the right direction. Now you just have to find a way to apologize and rearrange everything. Read on to learn how to fix a damaged relationship right away.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Understanding What Happened
Step 1. Observe what happened objectively
Is the situation well defined, i.e. you are wrong and the other person is right? Or is the problem you are facing much more complicated? Making amends can be complex when you don't know exactly what you've been accused of. Think about what happened and try to figure out what you need to apologize for.
- If your role is clear and you know what to apologize for, making amends should be straightforward enough (but not necessarily less difficult). For example, if you borrowed someone's car without asking them first and caused an accident, it's pretty obvious what the problem is to fix.
- On the other hand, it's not necessarily that clear. For example, maybe you and a friend haven't talked in months because you've hurt each other, which has stalled the relationship. It may be difficult to try to figure out who started the fight, who is responsible.
Step 2. Analyze your confused feelings
If you've made a mistake at someone else's expense, you won't necessarily want to apologize. People often mask their shame by behaving aggressively, being defensive, or making excuses to justify their attitude. It can be very difficult to admit that you have wronged someone. However, if you want to apologize, your goal is to do the right thing instead of letting other feelings cloud the situation further. Ask yourself the following questions to help you recognize how you feel:
- Are you trying to hide the shame you feel because you are afraid you will not like yourself once you acknowledge the wrong you have done? Don't worry: apologizing for a mistake you make allows you to make a good impression in the eyes of others, don't think otherwise.
- Are you aware of your mistake, but have convinced yourself that you need to fight to resolve the situation and preserve your reputation? All you will do is create a new reputation, that of a furious and stubborn person.
- Are you worried that this is a battle between the respect you have for yourself and what you have for others?
Step 3. Put yourself in the other person's shoes
What do you think of what happened between you? Do you think he feels the same resentment, the same anger and the same annoyance as you? Do you feel hurt, perplexed, confused and frustrated? Distance yourself from what you feel and perceive about what happened and try to evaluate it from the other person's point of view.
Change your perspective. If you still feel angry, worried, unwilling to forgive or tired of all of this, remember that your relationship with this person is more important than always being right
Step 4. Write down the reasons why you need to be forgiven
It can help you transfer your emotions from head to paper. It will help you analyze the concerns, the reality and the interpretations you give to the situation, so that you understand how to apologize.
- Recognize that you are wrong. Don't be arrogant or stubborn; instead, be honest.
- Even if you think that both of you are to blame, you come to a point where it will be possible for you to show yourself superior.
- Review the reasons you wrote. What comes out in particular? Do patterns emerge that repeat themselves? For example, perhaps selfish behavior on your part towards this person (or others) is often repeated. The straw that broke the camel's back isn't as important as your overall negative motivation, so try to focus on the trigger. In fact, you will have to convey to the other person that you have understood your mistake, only in this way your apologies will have value.
Step 5. Apologize in a quiet time
If you find yourself still feeling pretty angry or defensive, you may want to wait before trying to apologize. It is useless to do this if the emotional baggage you carry around is too heavy. Your apology won't be sincere because it won't be. Addressing your resentment is a practical and constructive way to understand how to apologize, because it allows you to look within and understand how to improve.
- If necessary, take time to calm down and let the wound heal. Don't wait too long though, because the more your anger escalates, the more the other person will confirm that you can't be trusted. Hence, it will be more difficult to reconcile you.
- Accept that you have not behaved well and that the time has come to remedy the chaos of your attitude. Accepting does not mean justifying yourself, but recognizing what you have done and who you are.
- Recognize that it is normal at first to feel angry about what happened, but don't use anger as an excuse. Make the decision to go further, remember that it's all about your mistake, not your supposedly tarnished reputation.
Step 6. Find out what you will need to do to undo the damage
Go beyond the desire to mask your shame and actually think about how you can be forgiven. The path to making amends is different for everyone. Only you know the right way to apologize for what you did.
- Making amends might just mean exposing yourself and apologizing for your behavior.
- Sometimes making amends requires more than an excuse. It may be necessary to back up your words with actions. For example, if you have destroyed a person's property, rewarding the damage will allow you to take giant steps towards solving the problem.
Part 2 of 3: Make a Plan to Remedy
Step 1. Decide what to say
Try difficult conversations on your own before starting them, as this will allow your autopilot to prevent emotions from getting the better of you. Review your list of reasons, think about ways you could have done things differently, and find ways to act better in the future. Then, prepare what you will say in your mind or even on a piece of paper, so you will know how to set up the dialogue. Remember the following:
- Be prepared to take responsibility for what you have done. It is a good idea to process your mistakes as soon as you start talking and accept that you have done wrong. This sets the tone for the rest of the conversation so the other person understands that you have remorse. You can start by saying "I'm sorry I hurt you. I was wrong in thinking / saying / doing, etc." Recognizing the other person's pain will help relieve tension.
- Understand that if this isn't the first time you've hurt someone, and it's not the first time that person gets an apology from you, then a simple "I'm sorry" won't do. It can be too easy a sentence to say, especially when it's not backed up by any real change. Think about how to make it clear that you really intend to change, that your regrets are sincere and genuine, that you make a serious promise never to behave this way again or to make the same mistake again.
Step 2. Meet this person
It is possible to make amends by e-mail or by phone, but it is much better to see this person and apologize. This shows your willingness to see her again and to have direct and meaningful contact with her.
- If you are planning on making amends with family members you haven't seen in a long time, you may be meeting them in neutral territory instead of at one of your own homes. This will take away the usual tensions that can arise in the classic places where you have quarreled and re-argued.
- If you can't see her in person, you could write her a letter by hand instead of on the computer or send her an email. It's much more personal to put your pen on paper and express your feelings using your handwriting.
Step 3. Start apologizing
Tell the other person that you want to make amends for your mistake and start talking, bringing out what you have already felt and the feelings you have worked on. Keep the following in mind:
- The purpose of this discussion should strengthen the relationship, which will need to be better than it was before the mistake you made. With this type of approach, you show that you really care about recovering your connection and that you want things not to be as they were before, in fact, to be better. This is a great start.
- Observe your body language, tone of voice, posture and attitude. If you are truly sorry, all of these elements should help convey your apology. Looking into the eyes is an important signal to let them know that you mean it, that you are not avoiding this person and that you are sincerely repentant.
- Do not set sentences using the personal pronoun "you"; he starts talking always saying "I feel", "I think", "I think", "I thought that", and so on. The discussion is based on your mistakes, not his.
- Don't add phrases that make it clear that you are trying to justify yourself. This makes you summarize a position of conflict.
Step 4. Speak simple and get straight to the point
If you talk for a long time, you will start babbling and repeating the same things over and over. Your points need to be clear, short and effective. Neither has the time or the will to discuss the same thing for hours.
Step 5. Allow some time for the anger to cool down
Don't make assumptions about his feelings or outlook. By following these steps you have tried to put yourself in his shoes, but you have done so using your knowledge and understanding of the world anyway. Give her the space, time and freedom to talk about her concerns and try to understand what she thinks about it as a result. While you believe that some of her perceptions of the situation are inaccurate, it doesn't do any good to tell her that she has no reason to feel this way.
Step 6. Back up your words with consistent action
Expressing your sincere repentance will be much more meaningful if you make measurable promises to change, and then act accordingly. Start by offering ways to reward this person. For example, if you have broken something, offer to buy this item; if you have insulted her, make a long list of her positive characteristics and explain to her that you felt jealous of her achievements; if you've ruined one event, offer to organize another one to fix it. Whether it's a matter of money, time, or attention, do what you can to make up for it.
- Explain how you intend to change your behavior. If you've thought of demonstrable ways to back up your promise, illustrate them. For example, you could tell the other person that after the accident you caused by destroying his jeep, you never got into such a vehicle, and you never will; then offer to make a financial contribution.
- Be especially honest in telling the other person that you have treasured this experience. This allows her to understand that you have really learned your lesson, that you are sad about your mistake and that you have changed.
- If necessary, you could also offer a guarantee to the other person, in case you fail to keep your promise; this approach will be somewhat of your last resort and its effectiveness will greatly depend on the severity of your mistake. For example, you might say "If I don't keep this promise, you are free to sell my Star Trek collection."
Step 7. Ask her how she thinks you need to make amends to be forgiven
If it gives you realistic answers, this can be a good path to reconnecting. This solution will not always be appropriate, so consider it in light of the error. Be especially wary if you are concerned that this person will take the leap to behave in a manipulative manner. You went to her to apologize and make up for your mistake, not to eternally become her slave.
Part 3 of 3: How to proceed
Step 1. Don't repeat the mistake
If you hurt someone twice in a row, always making the same mistake, the other person's trust will completely erode. To keep this friendship, make sure you never intentionally hurt her again. Do your best to become a trustworthy and caring friend. It is impossible to be perfect, but you can give your all to deserve his trust.
Step 2. You decide to move on
Whatever the outcome of your attempts to make amends, it is important that you do not wallow in self-pity and try to place the blame on the other person. While you haven't solved the problem, at least you did what you could.
- Focus on what is in front of you and don't keep reliving what happened.
- While not making peace with the other person, because they have decided that your relationship is unrecoverable, promise yourself that you will never hurt anyone in this way again.
Step 3. Learn from your mistakes
Use your experience to cultivate some compassion for other people who make the same mistake. Not only will you understand them better, it is possible that you will have enough experience to help them work on them for the purpose of achieving a positive result, without condemning them.
Forgiving yourself (you should do this before apologizing) allows you to live in the present instead of the past, so if things don't work out, you will still be grateful for this gift. By forgiving yourself, you will heal
Advice
- Make peace with your mistakes before apologizing, this will also help others forgive you.
- Conflicts are normal in most relationships. When handled well, what emerges from a misunderstanding or argument can actually bring you closer together, and can help you be more understanding and tolerant of each other's limitations. If you value negative interactions in this light, you will be ready to see them as lessons about yourself and opportunities to grow the relationship, not as something to be avoided at all costs.
- You can also make amends for another person. Often it is done for a family member or friend of whom you feel responsible, but who doesn't seem to put in much effort to remedy their bad behavior. If you are going to apologize for someone else though, be careful not to take on their guilt and remorse, or it will negatively affect your life and cause you to have a wrong perception of things. Remember that everyone is responsible for their actions.
