How to stop loving someone who doesn't love you

2024 Author: Samantha Chapman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 09:13

When you love someone who doesn't love you back, it can feel like the world is falling apart. The pain you feel is real. Science has shown that rejection in love activates the same neurons in the brain that detect physical pain. You can't control your mood, but you can learn to overcome the pain of unrequited love and move on with your life.

Steps

Part 1 of 4: Give yourself space

Step 1. Realize that it is normal to suffer

It is painful to love someone who does not reciprocate us. It turns out, in fact, that the "broken heart" is a real physical sensation: the pain resulting from rejection activates the parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for controlling vegetative functions, such as heart rate and muscle contraction. It is natural to feel bad if you love someone who does not reciprocate the same feelings. By accepting that what you are feeling is normal, you will be able to process it.

• Rejection in love can actually trigger the same reaction in the brain that occurs in the case of drug withdrawal.
• Psychologists estimate that around 98% of people experience unrequited love. Knowing that you are not the only one certainly does not make your suffering go away, but by realizing that you are not the only person to go through all this, you will be able to bear it more easily.

• Rejection can also lead to depression. If you notice any of the following symptoms, seek help from a mental health professional right away:

  • Changes in diet or sleep habits
  • Sense of hopelessness or helplessness
  • Alterations in the normal state of mind;
  • Difficulty controlling negative thoughts
  • Self-harming thoughts.

  

  Step 2. Give yourself time to grieve

  There is nothing wrong with suffering, as long as you don't get trapped in your own pain. In fact, it is healthier to let go of sadness than to try to repress your emotions. Denying or minimizing what you feel - saying, for example, "it's not a big deal" or "anyway, I don't love her" - actually makes the situation worse in the long run.

  • If you can, take some time to process your sadness. This way, you will have a space to deal with your pain and recover. For example, the first time you realize (or learn from someone) that you are not being reciprocated, you should take a moment to be alone, even if it is a simple fifteen minute walk.
  • However, avoid wallowing in despair. If you haven't been out of the house for weeks, you don't take a shower and you always wear the same old and worn sweatshirt that you should actually burn, you've crossed the line. It's natural to feel sad, but if you don't try to focus on your life again, you'll keep thinking about that person and the love you have for them.

  

  Step 3. Realize that you cannot control the other person

  After learning that you are not reciprocated, you might think as a first reaction: "I'm going to make her fall in love with me!" This kind of consideration is normal, but it is also incorrect and useless. The only things you can control in life are your actions and reactions. You can't persuade, argue, or harass someone into feeling something they don't feel.

  It would also be a good idea to remember that you can't even control your own feelings. However, it is possible to work hard to master the reactions that arise from what you feel

  

  Step 4. Spend time away from that person

  In order to create a space in which to vent suffering and move on, you will have to exclude from your life those who do not return your love. While there is no need to completely cut the bridges, you will still need to step away from them for a while.

  • There is no need to be rude or cruel. Just ask the other person to give you some time to get over what you are processing. If he really cares about you, he won't hesitate to give you what you need, even if it won't be pleasant.
  • If the person you're trying to forget represents emotional support you could count on in the past, find a friend who can fill that void. Ask him if you can contact him whenever you want to talk to the person you intend to leave.
  • Remove his contact from your friends list on social networks or, at least, hide his posts. Delete her data from your mobile so you don't fall into the temptation to contact her again. This will prevent you from seeing or knowing what he is doing, which would make it even more difficult for you to keep your distance.

  

  Step 5. Express to yourself how you feel

  Expressing your emotions, rather than repressing them and waiting for them to explode, will help you accept that you are going through a painful experience. When we experience a loss or a disappointment, it is natural to run into some problems, at least at first. Don't demean yourself because you feel this way and don't try to ignore what you feel in the hope that it will pass, but express it openly and sincerely.

  • Cry if you want. Crying can actually be therapeutic, as it reduces anxiety and anger, as well as physical stress. If you want to grab a box of tissues and break into irrepressible crying, don't hesitate.
  • Avoid violent manifestations, such as yelling, screaming, punching objects, or breaking something. While they may "make you feel good" at first, some research suggests that using violence to express anger - even towards an inanimate object - can actually fuel anger. It is healthier and more helpful to reflect on your feelings and examine why you feel this way.
  • It can be very helpful to channel your feelings into creative pursuits, such as music, art, or a passion. However, care should be taken to stay away from things that generate sadness or anger, such as death metal music, as they can actually make the mood worse when you feel grounded.

  

  Step 6. Realize that you are better off without it

  Regardless of how awesome the other person is, if they don't love you you couldn't have been happy with them. It is very easy to idealize someone, especially if you have invested a lot of energy in falling in love. By taking a step back to examine reality - without being cruel or judging - you can distance yourself from the feeling of experiencing tragically unrequited love.

  • Also, it would be helpful to reflect on sides of this person that could have complicated the relationship between you two.
  • For example, her extreme social anxiety wouldn't give you the security you need in a relationship.
  • Some studies also suggest that by recognizing the other person's downsides, it is possible to overcome a rejection in love faster.
  • However, don't fall into the temptation to discredit the other person to get better. Basically, these kinds of considerations, instead of helping you improve, can make you feel even more bitter and angry.
  • Believe it or not, a rejection temporarily lowers your IQ. If you have a hard time thinking about your feelings rationally, accept that it takes some time to get back to "normal".

  

  Step 7. Avoid blaming them

  Just as you have no control over the feelings that led you to fall in love with the other person, the other person also has no power over their not being interested in you. If you go around blaming her for keeping you as a friend, or telling everyone that she's a bad person because she doesn't love how you feel about her, you're unfair. Furthermore, the emphasis you place on your suffering will not help your recovery.

  You can be upset that the other person does not reciprocate you, but there is no need to accuse them. Don't let your friends take any liberties in such a situation either. They may try to blame her for rejecting you. If this happens, thank them for their support, but explain that it's not fair to blame this person for something they have no power over. They better focus on you

  

  Step 8. Get rid of memories

  You may feel sorry for giving away everything that this person reminds you of, but it is an important step in being able to recover. Having her memories lying around would only make it harder for you to move on and that's not what you need!

  • For each object, think about which memory it evokes and imagine putting it in a balloon. When you get rid of it, imagine that the balloon leaves your sight and never comes back.
  • If you have items that are in good repair, consider taking them to a thrift store or handing them over to a homeless shelter. Imagine how many new happy memories they will give the new owner and let these new associations symbolize the transformation that is taking place in your life.

  Part 2 of 4: Short Term Solutions

  

  Step 1. Avoid getting drunk and calling or texting the other person

  Especially in the beginning, you may feel a desperate need to contact the other person. Your willpower may be enough to master such an urge when you are sober, but we all know that alcohol impairs judgment. Blaming the other person for not loving you or crying over the hurt they have done to you when you are drunk can be embarrassing for you, while annoying for them. You also risk ruining the possibility that a real friendship will develop between you over time. If you're worried about doing something you might regret, ask your friends for help.

  • Give your phone to a friend (preferably someone who drives the car) with the precise instruction not to return it to you, regardless of the excuses you might make or how much you beg when you are drunk.
  • Delete the other person from your phone's address book. This way you won't have the option to call or text her.

  

  Step 2. Distract yourself

  While it's impossible to stop yourself from thinking about something, you can still turn your thoughts elsewhere whenever you start to descend into the black hole of memory. When some memory emerges, you need to try to distract yourself with another thought, engage in an activity or dedicate yourself to a project.

  • Call a friend. Get a book to read in one go. Watch a hilarious movie. Build something. Work in the garden. Do math exercises. Find something to commit yourself to long enough to drive that person out of your mind for a while. The more you get used to not thinking about her, the easier it will be.
  • A useful trick is to allocate a certain amount of time to remembering that person. However, don't waste much of it - 10-15 minutes will be enough. When you notice his thought crawling into your mind, you can say "No, not right now. I'll focus on you later." When the time comes, give him the designated space. Once the time is up, go back to what you were doing or thinking.

  

  Step 3. Remember that unrequited love also hurts the other person

  In love it may seem that the only one to suffer is the one who is not repaid. However, some research suggests that even those who do not reciprocate are ill. Most people don't like making others suffer.

  If you realize that the other person may feel bad about not being able to give you what you were hoping for, you will look at the situation from a different perspective. Usually, when a person does not reciprocate how you feel, their reaction is not dictated by the fact that they are heartless, hate you, or want to hurt you

  

  Step 4. Make a list of your positives

  A rejection can convince you that the most critical part of you was right about you. Don't think that just because you are not reciprocated you are not worthy of love. Studies show that when you remind yourself that you are someone who deserves love, you are much more likely to overcome rejection quickly and cope with rejection better in the future.

  • Write down any extraordinary things you think about yourself. If you're having trouble, ask a friend for help.
  • Express love for yourself when you focus on these aspects. For example, "I'm not feeling strong right now, but I'm an ace in swimming and I love myself for it."

  Part 3 of 4: Starting to Recover

  

  Step 1. Avoid the factors that trigger memories

  It's hard to recover from unrequited love if your thoughts are always on the other person. Don't fixate on the song or place that reminds you of who you love or the beautiful moments you have lived together.

  • The memory can be triggered by anything - seeing a photo of her on Facebook or listening to a song that takes you back to the good times together. It could also be a smell, like that of a tart, that reminds you of that cooking contest you participated in together.
  • If any kind of memory unexpectedly pops into your mind - and it probably will - it's best to acknowledge it and move on. Try not to dwell on the feelings that inevitably follow. For example, if you hear your song on the radio, turn it off or change the station. Recognize when sadness and regret approach and shift your attention to something nice or neutral (for example, what you will have for dinner or what your next trip will be).
  • Remember that you don't have to avoid these mental associations forever. It's all about making your recovery as easy as possible, counteracting the factors that constantly strain your memory to the point of complicating this process. Once the moment passes, these associations may still bring the other person to mind, but it will be much less painful.

  

  Step 2. Talk to someone

  It's the best way to offload the emotional and most difficult aspects of the shooting process. If you hold onto those emotions, it may be harder to get rid of them in the long run. Find someone to talk to about how you feel and what you are going through.

  • Make sure it's someone you trust. This could be a friend who you know is not rushing you to recover; a family member you can call when you are not well; a therapist, especially if it is a long love affair that has upset you or that has brought up other problems.
  • You can also keep a journal of how you feel if you don't feel or don't want to talk to another person. When you put these feelings in writing, the bright side is that you will be able to keep track of your shooting process. This journey will show you that you have the ability to flourish after the disappointment of unrequited love.
  • It can also be very useful to talk to someone who has gone through a similar experience. You can ask him a few questions about what happened to him and how he dealt with it.
  • Those who have already gone through a similar experience will be able to better understand your state of mind. You will not have to describe all your feelings in detail, because this person will know how to understand you perfectly.
  • Do not open up to people who have not faced this same pain, especially if they make fun of you for suffering from it; forget their comments, they don't know what it means to lose someone because it never happened to them.
  • You can find benefit in prayer. Faith can prove to be a powerful weapon that will make you stronger in times of trouble.

  

  Step 3. Strengthen your support network

  One of the biggest side effects of any kind of rejection, but especially the sentimental one, is feeling distant or isolated from others. You may not have been able to establish the relationship you so desired with this person, but you can always consolidate relationships with other people who are part of your life.

  • Studies show that interacting with the people you love can help speed up the body's recovery time. Since emotional pain often manifests itself physically, spending time having fun with loved ones can help recover from unrequited love.
  • It is important to have fun especially considering how entertainment affects the brain. Having fun alleviates anger and can help you deal with situations in a positive way. Laughing is really the best medicine: it promotes the release of endorphins, which promote good mood in a natural way. It can also increase the body's ability to tolerate pain. So, watch a silly movie, sing drunk karaoke, jump off a giant trampoline - have fun, laugh and learn to be reborn.

  

  Step 4. Question unnecessary thoughts

  Some mental schemes are able to sabotage the shooting process and make it difficult to overcome this situation.

  • Remember that you can live without the other person and that they are not perfect. You are absolutely capable of loving someone else.
  • Realize that people and situations change. What you are feeling right now you will not feel for the rest of your life, especially if you are working hard to improve your mood.
  • Don't blame yourself and don't feel stupid for feeling what you feel. It happens to anyone who has been strong enough to overcome them. Instead, you should be proud of yourself.

  

  Step 5. Consider what you are going through as a learning experience

  Nobody wants to be heartbroken. However, if you can reframe this rejection as an experience to learn and grow from, it will represent more than just a sad moment in your life. Try using it to motivate positive growth for the future.

  • For example, find something in your experience to stick to. Of course, you have exposed yourself sentimentally and you have not been paid. However, you were strong and brave enough to make yourself vulnerable! If you are unwilling to accept your vulnerability, you will never be able to connect with other people or experience deep emotions, such as joy and love.
  • Consider whether such an experience is part of a larger pattern. Some people tend to fall in love with those who do not reciprocate their feelings, especially if as children they did not feel secure in the emotional connection with their parents. If you have received rejection in love more than once, it is likely that you are subconsciously choosing people who reproduce the same problems you had with your parents. Perhaps it is helpful to discuss this with a therapist.
  • Remember that through this experience you are learning to strengthen and rely on yourself. Sure, being rejected is not one of the most pleasant ways to enhance these qualities, but on the other hand if you focus on the uplifting side of this experience rather than wallowing in pain, you will be able to come out stronger. You can also come to understand your emotions and needs better.

  

  Step 6. Modify your routine

  Studies show that starting a new business - for example, going on vacation or changing your route to work - is one of the best ways to break away from old habits and replace them with others.

  • If you can't afford the luxury of doing it in a big way, make small daily changes. Visit a new part of the city. Try a new meeting point on Saturday nights. Find a new arrangement for furniture. Join a new band. Indulge in a new pastime, such as cooking or rock climbing.
  • Try to avoid making drastic gestures unless you are really sure. It is the time when many people cut all their hair or get a tattoo. It is best to wait for the "convalescence" period to end before making these kinds of changes.

  

  Step 7. Find yourself

  Since you have experienced a strong emotional involvement, you will have forgotten what it means to be alone with yourself. Recovering from unrequited love is a great chance to find out who you really are, beyond how you feel about someone else.

  • Work on your personal growth. Don't change some aspects of yourself just because the other person probably didn't appreciate them. However, if there are any sides you would like to improve, don't hesitate. Learn a new language. Train regularly. Start playing flamenco guitar.
  • Develop the things that make you unique. If you have been obsessively thinking about someone for a long time, you will have overlooked important aspects of yourself. Get involved with activities and people you had set aside to handle this unrequited love.
  • Resist the urge to take rejection personally. It's easy to see the other person's rejection as a reason not to consider yourself handsome enough, smart enough, or whatever. By avoiding these kinds of false beliefs, you will be able to feel less emotionally hurt and you will not be induced to "correct yourself" in an attempt to win the love of another person. Remember that this is not something that concerns you personally.

  

  Step 8. Go beyond your comfort zone

  By trying new things, you will be able to get out of your normal routine and will not be inclined to make associations with the person you are trying to forget. In this way you will be so busy with new activities that you will not be obsessed with the thought of those who have not rejected you.

  • Getting out of your comfort zone has other benefits as well. An overly safe environment has been shown to discourage people from changing. A little uncertainty will help you transform areas of your life that need improvement.
  • By learning to push yourself beyond the boundaries of your security, you will be able to manage uncertain situations more easily in the future. By taking (controlled) risks and testing yourself, you will be able to accept your vulnerability as a fact of life and will not tend to break down the next time something unexpected happens.
  • If you give in to the fear that this rejection is up to you, you will never be able to try something new. By encouraging yourself to take some risks, even small ones, you will avoid closing yourself in the shell built around your fears.

  Part 4 of 4: Turn the Page

  

  Step 1. Know when it's time to move on

  There is no set period of time to be able to forget unrequited love. Each moves at a different pace. However, there are signs that you will know that you are ready to walk away from the person who was not interested in you.

  • You start noticing what happens to other people. Many times, when suffering, there is a tendency to let oneself be absorbed. When you begin to develop some interest in what others are doing, you will find that you are on the road to recovery.
  • You've stopped wondering if the other person is calling you every time you get a phone call (especially if the number is unknown).
  • You've stopped totally identifying with songs and movies about unrequited love. And in fact, you have begun to broaden your interest in topics that are not love or the pain that comes with it.
  • You have stopped fantasizing about your denied love and imagining that the other person suddenly retraces his steps, telling you that he loves you and has always loved you.

  

  Step 2. Avoid relapses

  Even when you're ready to move on, you may have a relapse if you're not careful. It's like getting stitches out of a wound too soon. You are almost healed, but not yet ready for intense physical activity.

  • Avoid getting involved with this person and leave them behind until you are sure there is no backfire on your part.
  • If you notice a relapse, don't take it too hard! You've already done a lot of work to forget, which will certainly pay off. It is normal for some setbacks to occur but, if you throw in the towel now, it will be heavier in the long run.

  

  Step 3. Get back in the game

  Go out, meet new people, flirt and remember how pleasant it is to be wooed. Your self-esteem definitely needs to be boosted and in the meantime you will meet new and interesting people. In particular, you notice every time that someone is better in some respect than the person you were interested in: more beautiful, more fun, more sympathetic, more concrete. This way you will see things in the right perspective.

  • You don't necessarily have to look for a new relationship. Simply enjoying the presence of new people can be a cure-all.
  • Be very careful of spite. While this is sometimes just what your doctor told you, it actually only works well if you feel emotionally ready to do it, if you are honest with yourself that it is a spite, and if, likewise, you are honest with yourself. the other person. Don't be so despicable that another person is invaded while you are still in love with the one you are trying to forget.

  

  Step 4. Don't be discouraged

  It is not easy to forget a person you are in love with! You should celebrate every step you take in trying to get rid of his memory. You should also remember that although this person does not reciprocate your love, it does not mean that no one will ever be able to.

  Advice

  • Convince yourself that you deserve someone who treats you as well as you do towards them.
  • Remember that love must be mutual; otherwise, you will waste precious years of your life waiting for something that will never happen!