Is that secret or information about your friend spinning in your head, begging you to reveal it to all your other friends? Do you feel the need to gossip about others to appear the joker of the group or to make yourself more interesting? It might seem like a good idea at first, to give your friend an embarrassing moment by telling a funny story, but he won't think the same way … Indeed, it could question your loyalty and your lack of tact.
If you gossip about your friends, think about how you can make them feel. Before revealing another embarrassing information or another secret, stop and think about what you are doing. Then make a deal with yourself, vowing to stop gossiping about your friends forever!
Steps
Step 1. Explore the reasons you think are behind your need to badmouth your friends or reveal gossip about them
Maybe you think it's innocent fun, and you probably also feel a little bit involved in that information, because it's about your friend, after all. Or maybe you think that revealing your friend's secrets or some of his most embarrassing moments during a conversation is fun and saves you from having to say something similar about yourself. Or maybe you are not happy with your life right now, and you make fun of the bad luck of others to feel better? Whatever the motivation that drives you to have a wide mouth, you will have to try to find the motivation that makes you believe that it is okay to badmouth your friends, so that you know how to quit. Consider which of the following reasons is best suited to your case:
- Insecurity: People who are not comfortable with themselves often take off the treble to hear better. And, unfortunately, others can often include close people as well, whose inner world you know best of all, simply because you don't feel confident enough to find less personal topics of conversation with people who intimidate you or make you feel overwhelmed.
- Boredom: Do you feel that your life is boring and without stimuli? Taking out another person's dirty clothes can enliven the conversation a little. However, this demonstrates a lack of creativity in the conversation, so indulging in revealing information from a friend is both disloyal and lazy.
- Vengeance: You may be angry with a friend, and think that the only way to take revenge is to gossip about him, whether you've already talked about the matter with him or not. Revenge is always a negative experience when it is used as a motivation to do something. Demonstrates a lack of respect for oneself and others, self-control and responsibility for one's actions. A friend would never deserve to make a fool of himself just because you are mad at him.
- Protection: You may feel betrayed, and want to warn other people in your party of the "danger" this person represents in their lives. Consider that we often feel victims of our friendship for trifles, such as selfishness, which are not really a danger to anyone. If this is the case, let your friends form their own opinion without interfering.
- Humor: In these sarcastic times, when you see reality shows and series on television where people insult each other as if it were nothing, some people become convinced that it's fun to make irreverent comments behind friends' backs. Unfortunately for the airy-headed television "models", this is no fun at all, and copying them means sending the brain on vacation. Humor does not bow to complacency, ridicule or gossip. If it does, it's not humor, it's scandalism.
Step 2. Consider the type of damage you are doing
Stop for a moment and think back to the words you just said, what kind of damage are you doing to that person? Put yourself in your friend's shoes and think about how you would feel if the things you just said your friend said about you. Suddenly it's not that funny anymore, is it? Your friend could be hurt by that gossip, secret, or negative portrayal about their life, in one or more of the following ways:
- Personal Reputation: Gossiping about another person, regardless of whether the rumor is true or not, can ruin a person's reputation irreparably, especially if the source is a person very close to him. Consider whether your gossip is potentially destroying your friend's reputation. If so, why do you think you have to denigrate a friend like that? If you are gossiping for revenge, know that this is not the way to resolve conflicts. If it's because you can't think of anything better or you want to look better by making your friend pay for it, then it's time to stop feeling sorry and start realizing that what you are doing is really hurting someone.
- Reputation in the workplace: Are you harming the way your friend supports himself out of personal pleasure or jealousy? Consider what your words might do to your friend's financial security and job prospects. Think about how your gossip might affect not only your friend, but his family and colleagues as well.
- Family reputation: Even though you may be talking about your friend, your words could hurt him or his family, including his children. Her family members are innocent and shouldn't be hurt or harmed by your words.
Step 3. Learn to communicate intelligently
Learn the difference between dangerous gossip, ranting with friends, and revelations of information about a friend. In some cases, you may share information without realizing that your friend may want it to remain secret for a while (such as expecting a child or getting a promotion). Or you could simply let off steam by saying that you had a fight with a close friend, without thinking too much about how people outside the close circle of friends might take the story. Knowing the difference between indiscriminately gossiping about a friend and sharing information is very important:
- Confide. We all need to let off steam, and if you have had a fight with a friend, you would like to hear the opinion of another to be able to deal with the problem. Talking to a trusted person who you know for sure will not reveal any information to others is very often a good thing. Spitting it out can make you understand things better and can help you resolve the conflict with your friend. Avoid saying horrible things or giving your friend names. Continuing to let off steam with different people, however, could lead you into gossip territory.
- Gossiping / gossiping about a friend. Using information that has nothing to do with you (and in some cases is strictly confidential) to engage in conversation with other people is considered to be gossiping.
- Inform someone. For example, if a close friend has had a baby, telling many people is not gossip, as long as the friend allows you to tell everyone. On the other hand, if she has gone through three miscarriages in a row and does not want to let anyone know that she is pregnant until she is sure that the pregnancy can be completed, saying something without her permission is gossiping.
Step 4. Face the situation
Ask yourself what gossiping about others says about you. Consider the figure you make when you gossip about friends behind them. The friends you have gossiped about will most likely no longer trust and reveal personal information to you in the future; they may even move away from you. You may appear insecure, and even resentful, if you are a gossip. You may lose more than the friends you've gossiped about, because all other people may think you're not someone they can rely on. When you think you're gossiping about a friend, think about how negative this makes you look and how much people who listen to you might think twice before trusting you.
Make a serious effort to put yourself in your friend's shoes during an argument. Would you like it if people gossiped or gossiped about you? Do you know what your friends think of you? Before opening your mouth to tell a juicy rumor, try putting your name in the sentence you are going to say, like "Oh my God, I can't believe (name) is on file for foreclosure!" Would you like everyone to know you're on file for foreclosure? If it makes you feel embarrassed, think about what your friend might be feeling. It's probably the same feeling
Step 5. Recover
Mentally or physically distance yourself from a conversation that becomes too full of gossip, to avoid "falling" into the game of gossip or the technique of socialization for demoralization. One of the best ways to stop gossiping about people is to step away from any conversation where that is the main topic. For example, if you are in a group of friends and a friend is appointed to talk about her business, do not add any other information to what you hear. You can let others keep talking, or you may say that it is inappropriate to talk about someone who is not there to defend themselves. Of course, you have to do it tactfully, without offending the other participants in the conversation!
- Don't speculate on anyone. You may be dying to dive into a conversation even if you don't have any information, but you need to hold back. Don't make any speculation, just refuse to participate in any tabloid conversation.
- Try to take the conversation away from gossip. Bring the conversation back to what's happening in the lives of those present or create a new topic of conversation.
- Go away if you can't control yourself. Better to physically get away from the discussion than dive into it and contribute. If your friends ask you for an opinion, simply say, "I really don't know", and forget it.
Step 6. Improve the respect factor
If you've ever used gossip about friends as social support, it's time to wake up from this dissociative runaway. Whatever led you to badmouth your friends can break down, learning to respect yourself and others more. In particular, if you've used gossip to appear better than someone or to be socially accepted, it's time for you to figure out whether you'd rather appear popular towards a group of strangers or feel loyal to your friends, an immense source of support., loyalty and trust in your life.
- Help yourself heal past traumas that may have led you to this unhealthy habit by letting go of old issues, forgiving the mistakes others have made towards you, and forgiving yourself for getting involved in this millennial vice of human beings. forgiveness will help you solve all the outstanding problems.
- Promise yourself that you will never repeat this behavior again and that you will notice if you are starting to do it again and stop immediately. It's really easy to control yourself when it comes to gossip.
- Keep in mind that friendship is a source of healing and regeneration. Instead of turning your back on him, turn to her and remain loyal.
- Find more constructive ways to communicate with people in social situations that make you feel uncomfortable or out of place. If your communication skills need a boost, learn ways to find better conversation topics. If you have a lot of nerves in public, learn to cope better by increasing your self-confidence. If you have social phobia, get help to overcome it. Gossiping against friends is never something you can use instead of improving yourself.
Step 7. Apologize to your friends if there is a need
If your friend finds out that you gossiped about him, be strong and apologize. It doesn't matter if he accepts them or not, you have to stop this behavior and move on, and this is an important and meaningful gesture to make.
Avoid making excuses. Simply explain that you have fallen into the habit of gossiping, and realize that it is bad behavior and that it hurts. Say you've made a decision to stop gossiping or still share your friends' personal information without their permission
Step 8. Make a commitment from now on to speak only well of your friends. Remember and observe an ancient saying, “Divide all people into two groups:
friends and strangers. You love friends too much to talk about them, and strangers too little."
Advice
- Mothers know this well when they say: "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything".
- Think about what you want to say, before you say it, because there could be consequences for you too. Just as the old adage goes, "when the bell rings, there is no going back", you cannot go back once you have said something unpleasant. Even if it is a good faith mistake. If someone did something stupid, consider that they thought they had good reasons for doing it.
- Try to understand why you are having trouble with trust. Gossiping about someone means breaking their trust, constantly. Why do you think it's okay to do this, and what can you do to build trust rather than destroy it?
- The more you gossip about something, the more the information gets distorted, sometimes going beyond the truth. It could be the prerequisite for telling a good story but, unfortunately, mud has a habit of sticking, so no matter how great that gossip might sound to a person with an objective perspective, those in this up to their neck vice take it all too much. literally.
- Teach your kids not to gossip, then set their role model.
Warnings
- If you have a personality disorder that prevents you from remaining loyal to closest people, see a therapist. This has a lot to do with your self-esteem.
- Gossiping about a friend can result in the loss of a friendship relationship
