Has someone really hurt you and you find yourself sad, angry or bitter so much not being able to concentrate properly? Whenever you see that person or even just when you close your eyes, all you can do is rethink what happened and retrace those sad thoughts? If you want to move on with your life and learn to overcome pain, then you must choose to forget and forgive. Easier said than done, huh? Read on to find out how and to see if it's for you.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Part One: Changing Perspective
Step 1. Let go of resentment
If you really want to forgive the person who wronged you, you need to forget the resentment. Erase the part of you that hates that person or wishes them harm: if you remain attached to such negative feelings they will dull your life and it will be difficult for you to find happiness, so the faster you detach from them and the sooner you will understand that you have made the best choice.
- Obviously the person has hurt you, but if you want to waste your energy in resentment, then know that this will allow them to cause you further pain. Be superior and let go of these evil feelings.
- Better to admit that you feel resentment than to deny it. Talk to a friend about it. Put it in writing. Do what you need to do to get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Step 2. Consider the scheme of things
At the moment you can feel like that person has completely ruined your life or made you feel worthless. Okay, maybe one of your friends forgot to invite you to his party, your sweetheart told you something that hurt you on the wave of the moment… Could they have done worse? Will what has been done to you make you feel bad for a few more weeks or months? Chances are, even if you've been hurt, it's still not the end of the world.
- It may seem like this to you, though. Give yourself some time to let off steam and you will see that you are wrong.
- Take a step back and review your life. There are a lot of good things, right? And is that negative that was given to you really bad enough to put everything else at risk?
Step 3. See if you can learn any lessons
Think of yourself as a student rather than a victim. It is better and safer to think that you are a victim when someone does you wrong, but instead try to turn the situation positively and see if there is anything you can learn from this experience. Maybe you will learn not to give your trust so easily. You may understand that you don't have to slip into some situation if your instincts tell you not to. Even if you feel hurt or sad, the situation can shape future interactions and help you never relapse as you move on with your life.
- Over time, you will come to see the experience only as a bad thing. But if you can really process what happened, you could get something positive out of it in the future.
- If you accept that there is a lesson to be learned, you will be less likely to resent the person who hurt you.
Step 4. Put yourself in his shoes
Try to see the situation from his perspective. Maybe your boyfriend hasn't told you about the weekend with friends because he knows you're prone to jealousy. Maybe your best friend hasn't told you about her new relationship because she fears your judgment. Or maybe the person who hurt you didn't mean to do it and feels really bad about what happened.
- Remember that every story has two versions. You may feel like a victim but, in turn, you may have hurt the other.
- It may seem silly to you to feel sorry for someone who made a mistake. But think about when it was your turn to hurt others and you regretted it. There is a chance that the person is feeling even worse than you are.
Step 5. Think of all the good things this person has done for you
You can feel really bad about what your mother, sister, girlfriend, or friend did to you, but try to think mostly about the great things they gave you. You can also throw it on the melodramatic and think that your relationship is a big mistake and that any interaction with the person who hurt you has only caused you pain, but it is rarely worth it. Try to reevaluate this person by reflecting on all the times they have behaved like a good friend, supported you and comforted you.
- Make a list of all the good things he has done for you and the memories you have together. Think about it when you feel angry or resentful of him.
- If you've thought about it long and hard and couldn't find anything, then maybe it's best for that person to get out of your life altogether. However, this is also a rare case. If the person hasn't done much for you, you wouldn't be so angry after you were hurt by them, would you?
Step 6. Find out if you've ever been wrong about her
Look at the flip side. Remember that time two years ago when you told your best friend that you thought this person was following you? Or that time when you completely forgot your sister's birthday and instead went for a drink with friends? You too will have hurt someone in the past and that person has managed to overcome it. Relationships are long and complicated and it is very likely that each other will hurt each other.
Remind yourself how you felt after hurting the person and how much you wanted to be forgiven
Step 7. Know that forgiveness relieves stress
Studies have shown that not forgiving and lingering over the injustices you have suffered raises your blood pressure, increases your heart rate, keeps your muscles tense, and puts you in much higher stress levels than if you could process and forgive. Cultivating forgiveness makes people calmer and emotionally stable. So, if you want to be selfish, know that forgiving the person will make you feel better physically and mentally. And who wouldn't want it?
- The longer you stay anchored in anger, the worse you will feel physically and emotionally. Why do you have to do this to yourself?
- Remember that forgiveness is a choice. You can decide to start letting go and stop cultivating those negative feelings inside you as soon as you want to. Yes, forgiveness is a process, but there is no need to delay it.
Method 2 of 3: Part Two: Take Action
Step 1. Give yourself some time to let it cool down
Even if you make the decision to forgive today, it doesn't mean you need to call the person and talk to them right away. If you still feel angry, hurt, sad, or disappointed enough to barely stand up, it's perfectly okay to take some time to think. The person may come and talk to you to clear things up, but calmly explain that you need some time to process everything.
By giving yourself some time to heal and reflect, you may well understand what to say to this person when you talk to them, to avoid getting angry and saying unpleasantness
Step 2. Accept the other person's apology
Talk to her and make sure she is not only sorry, but that she really is. Look him in the eye to see if he is sincere and feel genuine remorse for what happened. If the person apologizes just pro forma, then you will know. Once you understand his sincerity, be honest and accept an apology. Let the person speak and evaluate their words, and if you think it's time to accept their apology, tell them.
- Remember that there is a difference between accepting an apology and forgiving completely. You can take the first step, and give yourself more time to get over it.
- If you're trying to accept an apology but feel like you can't, be honest. Tell the person you want to do it and forgive them, but at the moment you still can't.
Step 3. Let the other know how you feel
Tell him how he hurt you. Share the pain, feelings and doubts. Let the person see how much their actions have had an influence on you and how much you have been mulling over them. There is no need to talk just to make the other feel worse, but if you want to take a weight off your chest, now is the time. If you accept the apology and don't talk about it, then you will be more prone to bitterness and anger for longer.
You don't have to be mean. Say something like "I've been really bad because …" or "I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that …"
Step 4. Take a break from this person if you feel the need
You can talk to her, share how you feel, and accept an apology, but that doesn't mean you need to go back to being best friends right away. If you need a week, a month or even more be honest and tell him. Try: "I really want to get back to the relationship we had before, but I need some time to come to terms with what happened." Your step is what you need to follow.
If after a month you still can't meet this person, that's okay. If after a second month and another you are still at the same point, then consider whether or not it is possible to restore your relationship
Step 5. Show compassion
You may not feel it towards those who have harmed you. But if you want to rebuild the relationship and make both of you feel better, then you will need to show compassion for this person's feelings. Think about how bad you can feel about what he did to you and admit that no one is perfect; this person is assumed to be ill without your friendship or affection, and it will certainly affect him or her. Even if you have been wronged, you should be superior and admit his pain.
If nothing else, you can feel sorry. If he caused you all this pain, maybe he wasn't so happy
Method 3 of 3: Part Three: Forget the Pain
Step 1. Rebuild your trust
Take it easy and work on patching up the relationship. You may no longer trust the person right now and have doubts about wanting to be friends again - and that's perfectly normal. Better to take your time and give each other space, finding yourself in less stressful situations. Don't fully open up to this person and talk about superficial things until you feel comfortable again.
Your relationship may no longer seem as good as it used to be, but if you want to get back to how things used to be, you'll have to take it one step at a time
Step 2. Accept that you can't forget the pain
You've tried them all. You gave yourself some time alone. You shared feelings with the person who hurt you. You showed compassion and considered it from his point of view. You tried to hang out with her in a quiet way… But despite everything you can't stop thinking about how much she hurt you, being angry with her and you doubt you can trust him again. While it's not pleasant, it's perfectly natural, and if you can't get over it, better admit it than deny how you feel.
- Sometimes the pain is so deep that you won't be able to put it aside and pretend that nothing has happened. Now you have to decide: even if you can't forget the pain will you be able to find a way to deal with it, that allows you to spend time with this same person?
- Accept that you are unable to date her. Perhaps the wound is so deep that being with this person makes you feel like you are turning the knife in the wound. If you just can't do it, there's no point in forcing it to keep a relationship that has fallen apart.
Step 3. Focus your energies on something else
Make sure you have other things in mind as you try to rebuild the relationship. Spend more time running and training for the next marathon. Work on finishing that novel you've been writing for months so you can use it in the local competition. Enjoy the relationship with someone who has never made you feel bad. Find something else that makes you happy and to turn to, and you'll spend less time grieving.
- One day you will find that you no longer suffer. You didn't think it would happen, huh?
- By keeping busy you will move forward and aim for the positive things. If you give yourself too much time to ruminate, you will only feel worse and be less prone to forgiveness.
Step 4. Take some time to reflect
While keeping busy and active helps you heal quickly, you shouldn't be so busy that you don't have time to breathe or think about what happened to you. Make sure you have time for yourself, to journal your thoughts, feelings or simply to turn off your TV, PC and phone to focus on your body and mind. Being at peace with yourself helps you think about how you really feel about the situation - the faster you understand what exactly you are thinking, the faster you will move on.
Schedule a weekly or fortnightly appointment with yourself and do nothing but spend time with you. You will calm down, reflect and get rid of any form of anger
Step 5. Know that only positive revenge is worth it
You may feel so bad that you want to make up for the person who hurt you, to make them feel what you feel. However, this way you will only feel worse, more stressed, angry and bitter and not solve anything. If you really feel the need to take revenge, then know that the best way is to live big by realizing yourself, being happy and avoiding what has happened to make you sink. It may not sound as good as slapping the other person or hurting him like he did with you, but in the long run you will feel much better being the best version of you, instead of lowering yourself to the other level.
Live life having fun and doing the things you love to do. If you spend time trying to make someone who hurt you feel worse, you will never be able to get over it
Step 6. Go forward instead of going back
Focus on the future and all it has in store for you - whether it includes the person who hurt you or not. If all you do is lull yourself into the past and rethink the ways in which you have been wronged, how life has been unfair to you, then you will never be able to forgive and forget. Instead, be grateful for all those who improve your life and for the opportunities you have and reflect on how many are still ahead of you.
- Focus on the goals you want to achieve in the future that make your life better. Think about getting there, instead of dwelling on what went wrong for you.
- Keep working on yourself. Improve those things you want to work on and see how much better you feel by becoming softer, more compassionate and more open-minded.
- You have chosen to forgive and forget, and you should be proud that you did, even if it took longer than you hoped to get to where you are now.
Warnings
- It is the burden that prevents you from getting up and facing life: if you let yourself go by letting go of everything, there is a great chance that you will feel lighter, happy and satisfied.
- You may need new friends, hobbies and passions to fill the times and gaps created by the release of every bad thing!
