When you are seriously injured, you can feel like you are drowning. Life feels like a scene from a movie, where you desperately cling to everything in order to keep yourself afloat. Well, let wikiHow be your anchor. Below, you'll find great tips on how to deal with your situation in a healthy way, forgive those who hurt you, and move forward to resume living the extraordinary. Just start reading the article from the first step!
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Coping with Pain the Healthy Way
Step 1. Give yourself a chance to feel the pain
Before forgiving and moving on, it is important to feel the pain for some time. Sadness, regret, anger, disappointment - these are all normal feelings, healthy emotions. If you do not give yourself the opportunity to hear them at least for a while from time to time, you will not be able to cope with many difficult situations. Our ability to be sad in a healthy way and then move on after a short period of time works like a muscle that must be exercised to keep it in peak condition.
Don't let people make you feel bad about having an emotional response to this situation. Emotions are normal and healthy
Step 2. Give time to sadness
Let sadness (or anger, disappointment, any feeling hold you back) for a few days or months, depending on the gravity of the situation, and then let it go. Let it disappear by itself. The more time you spend in this state, the less time you will have to fill your life with joy and amazing new experiences.
Step 3. Talk honestly about how bad you have been
Forgiving, facing and overcoming wounds doesn't mean saying nothing. You should talk when someone has hurt you! It is especially important if it has happened more than once. You need to let people know how much their miserable behavior has affected you. It is healthy behavior on your part and a good lesson for others.
If someone continues to be a source of pain in your life, consider that they may no longer deserve to be a part of it. This may be the healthiest choice for both of you
Step 4. See the situation from afar
Sometimes people hurt us, but sometimes it's also easy to get caught up in little arguments and issues that don't matter as much as we think at the moment. Try to contextualize the problem you are in in a bigger picture. Maybe you and your best friend are in a conflict over the same guy. But after so many years of friendship and mutual emotional help, is this guy really as important to you as your relationship with your best friend is? These are things you need to take into consideration. Yes, your feelings will be hurt and you will have the right to feel mortified, but try to see things in the right perspective, from which to understand how much harm you have received.
Step 5. Don't see yourself as a victim anymore
You need to stop seeing yourself as a victim or as someone who survived an emotional overwhelming situation and start considering yourself as someone who has managed to take control of the situation, making their life better. Victimization, in fact, will make you continue to feel helpless and hurt. Considering yourself as a survivor, on the other hand, will continually delimit you within this experience. It is advisable to come to the conclusion that it was just something that happened to you, like one of the many that help make you the person you are.
For example, if your boyfriend broke up with you, don't keep imagining yourself as a girl who got dumped. You are you, not that label
Part 2 of 3: Forgive with Kindness
Step 1. Take the time to calm down
Take some time immediately after receiving a hard blow, in order to find calm. Usually, a couple of hours in a day are just fine. When you feel really bad, you tend not to think and easily end up saying things you don't want to say or express yourself in a way that is not constructive for anyone. Words need to be backed up by thoughts to be effective, so give yourself time to think.
Step 2. Understand the people who hurt you
Try to understand who hurts you. People, unless they're actually sociopaths, always have feelings and a good reason for doing what they do. Although rarely, they can also be cunningly mean. In most cases they try to do only their best, acting the way they think is right, while more frequently, just like the rest of us, they make mistakes.
- Try to think about why he may have thought that what he was doing was right. It will help you settle for him and feel better about what happened.
- Just because someone did something with good intentions or simply because they didn't think about the harm it would cause you, that reason doesn't justify or make them a better person. If he has done something wrong, you should still let him know (kindly), so he can make the right choice in the future.
Step 3. Put yourself in his place
Now, imagine you were there, trying to stay in his shoes. Really try to put aside any prejudices. Maybe you would have made the same choice, right? Or, at least, probably a similar choice for similar reasons in the past (maybe when you were young and you were unaware of many things). By thinking about this, you will be able to understand that person and what happened, which will make you feel better.
Remember that people usually experience sadness and stress in their life more than they let it show. Whoever got it wrong with you probably wasn't in the best of mental condition when they did what they did, which could explain their really weird or cruel choices. We can't be at our best 100% of the time, so try to be understanding
Step 4. Accept his apology
A great place to start when forgiving someone is to accept their apology. Give him the benefit of the doubt and really consider his displeasure. People can feel sorry with all their heart and continue to make mistakes (in the event even the same mistake). Accept his apology, believe him, not only for him but for yourself as well. In this way, you can actually help the healing process.
Accepting someone's apology doesn't legitimize them at all, and it doesn't mean you have to do something. You don't have to be cute or happy with him all of a sudden. It's also good to keep it out of your life again, if that's what's best for you
Step 5. Give up hatred
Now, this point is really important. If you hate this person, you need to stop. Hate is an emotion that is not good for anyone. It doesn't punish anyone and it doesn't make you happier. For your emotional health, you need to stop hating those who hurt you. Instead, make an effort not to think about it at all, if you can't follow the steps above and understand who hurt you.
Step 6. Give up on revenge
Revenge is another thing that is not good for anyone. The thought of revenge only consumes you and centers your life around the pain suffered. Do you prefer your life to revolve around your pain or the joyful and amazing things you are going to do right now? The best revenge you can have is to go and live a wonderful, active and fulfilling life that won't happen if you hold on to a grudge.
Step 7. Make your pain mean something
A great way to truly forgive someone from the heart is to be happy about what happened. To do this, turn your experience into something meaningful and positive. Find a lesson to learn in what has happened to you or spend some of your time and experience helping others avoid making the same mistake.
- For example, imagine that your relationship ended after some time. Don't see it as the end of all your happiness. Instead, take this experience as something that helped shape your subjectivity, transforming you into the person your future partner or life partner will love even more.
- Another example could be this: If you were the subject of racism, use this experience to go to school and make a speech about how racism affects other people's lives.
Step 8. Ask yourself if, aside from reversals, you would like the other person to forgive you
Much forgiveness comes when you let go of the emotions that grip your heart, shifting your point of view. Here is a simple exercise that helps you do just that. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and ask yourself: Would I want the other person to forgive me if I did something wrong?.
Most people who are honest with themselves say yes. Because forgiveness means so much when it comes unexpectedly. It pushes us to give to other people and helps us show the best of ourselves. More importantly, it re-establishes bonds. The truth is that most people prefer to live together with other people rather than live separately
Step 9. Write a letter, pouring everything in your heart into it, and then burn it
Yes, you heard right. Write the most sincere letter possible. Describe exactly how you feel and why you are angry. Don't spare any details. Then burn it. It sounds really dramatic, but for a lot of people it works. Because the burning letter reminds you that everything is temporary - even pain and hatred. Once you understand this, you should feel much more ready to forgive.
There is a name for this process: catharsis. It is a release from bad emotions along a path of relief. Catharsis helps you feel better and is why doctors and psychological counselors tell you to talk about your feelings, even relive them
Part 3 of 3: Moving towards Joy
Step 1. Redefine your energies
Being upset, hating, wanting revenge - all these feelings steal a flood of energy and time! This is the time you should take to do something that makes you feel happy and satisfied. Otherwise, it may even prevent you from meeting new and exciting people. Put aside negative feelings and channel your energies to new horizons. It could happen, by aiming for a promotion, learning new skills or improving grades!
Establishing tight and binding commitments can help, especially during the first period when feelings have not yet changed
Step 2. Find a helper
When things go this bad, it's easy to focus only on the bad things and ignore all the incredibly good works people do in response. Look back at your pain and think about the people who were there for you. It is really important to grasp the love they have shown you and spend a few hours showing them your gratitude.
For example, your best friend kept your hair while you threw up after seeing your ex. This is an incredible act of love that you shouldn't put aside and forget
Step 3. Stop reliving the experience
If you continue to tell the story of what happened to you over and over again, you will only relive that experience, feeling like a victim. Don't give in to victimhood. Dwelling on negative experiences also risks driving people away, who otherwise really want to make you happy. When we fill the soul with spite and sadness, these emotions shine through on the outside. This often scares others and doesn't attract them to us. It is not good to keep good people away… otherwise whoever hurt you has won!
If someone brings up the subject, you could certainly talk about it if you wish, but the important concept is to stop revolving yourself and your life around what happened
Step 4. Remember the good times
When we are focused on the bad things, it's easy to forget the good things that happened to you. A breakup can make you forget the many happy years spent with one person. A disagreement with a friend can make you forget the happiest and funniest times you've ever had together. By thinking about these moments of joy and realizing that new ones can always arise, you can move on.
Step 5. Make sure you always have happy memories
Happy memories, making a real commitment to enjoy life as you live it, are one of the best ways to move forward. When you feel really bad, it's easy to forget that life goes on, even if it really happens. The happier things you do, the more your soul will begin to respond and wake up inside you. Before you know it, you will no longer even think about the evil you have received.
A great remedy is to travel. Travel to some really strange place where your language is not spoken. In this way, you will stimulate the brain to focus on a new set of problems and experiences. You will be so busy enjoying yourself that you will end up leaving past experiences exactly where they are: in the past
Step 6. Rebuild trust
In order to move forward, you will probably have to start rebuilding your trust at some point. It could mean rebuilding trust with the person who hurt you, but more importantly, rebuilding trust with yourself and with those who might be able to hurt you again. Unfortunately, a big part of this process is giving people a chance and letting them surprise you. You will have to give up your defenses, but the reward will be worth it.
A little rain may fall on your heart, but this does not mean that you have to isolate it inside and out. Just give him an umbrella and let him sing in the rain until happiness knocks again. Those who deserve your trust will come, making you so happy that they enter your life
Step 7. Make new bonds
Meet new people! You never know who will surprise you and take your life to move in an amazing new direction. Whether you make new friends, make new romantic bonds, or build the family you've always wanted, meeting new people is like moving to new experiences and happy moments.
- You can meet new people by joining associations or by signing up for some courses. Try to see the circuits of your city to find something that is right for you.
- Remember not to close doors without first looking inside. Just because someone doesn't seem like your type doesn't mean they won't be able to make your life feel like the dream you never thought you'd realize. Give people a chance to surprise you.
Step 8. Live a great life
As mentioned, living a great life is the best revenge. When you are looking for happiness, embrace life in its fullness and do what makes you feel fulfilled, all the things that have previously hurt you will lose value. Don't focus on the past and instead look to the future!
Advice
- Love yourself.
- Delete all his messages, tags or wall posts from your phone, Facebook or Twitter account. Say to yourself: "Yes, I'm on the right path to move forward!"
- Read happy ending romance novels, not sad ones.
