Having a crush can generate a mixed bag of emotions. You may feel insecure about how to behave about the guy you like or what to say about it. If you want to start dating him, you may feel anxious about what your parents would think. Your mom can help you deal with the feelings you have, as well as explain your family rules when it comes to dating a boyfriend. Start the conversation by finding a suitable place and time to talk, and respectfully listen to what he or she says. If you disagree, approach the conflict politely; getting angry or defensive will prevent the conversation from going smoothly.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Starting the Conversation
Step 1. Go into the conversation calmly
You may feel nervous when it comes time to confide your crush on your mom. Talking about such an intimate topic with a parent can be embarrassing. It may also worry you that your mother is anxious because you are growing up. Try to approach the conversation in a relaxed manner.
- It is normal to be nervous when it comes to discussing this with parents; it may seem strange to talk about such a thing. Your mother lived a lifetime right up to the time you were born, so she will most likely have the best advice to give you. Parents usually appreciate when their children ask for their advice, so it may be an opportunity to get even more comfortable with your mother.
- Growing up, your mom will have had her crushes too, and maybe she still remembers how it feels at your age. She understands that you, too, sometimes need adult guidance, so don't be afraid to confide in her.
- Remember that your mother may seem worried or worried as you talk to her. He may have a lot of questions or concerns. Don't take this as a sign of disapproval - he's just trying to make sure you're happy and safe.
Step 2. Choose a suitable place and time to talk
You need to make sure your mom isn't busy or distracted. Try to find a time and place that fits your mother's schedule.
- You may be able to speak in a public place if you feel comfortable, but it may be easier to speak privately. For example, you could have a conversation in your room or in a quiet room in the house.
- Consider your mother's commitments in deciding when to argue. If your mom is always busy on Wednesday and Thursday nights, don't choose those days. Instead, pick a time on the weekend when she is usually at home.
Step 3. Think about what you mean
Gathering ideas a little earlier can help you manage the stress of the conversation. Take some time before talking to your mom to plan the talk.
- Making a list can help. List everything you intend to discuss along with the feelings you have. You can also write your feelings in a letter or in your journal.
- If you feel too nervous, practice in front of the mirror or try saying aloud what you want to say by yourself. It will sound corny, but it can help prepare you.
Step 4. Start the conversation
Approach your mother and tell her you need to talk to her. If you are nervous, take a few deep breaths first.
- The conversation should be started in a simple way. You can start by telling your mom that you want to talk to her.
- Say something like, "Mom, can we talk?"; or: "Mom, I have to tell you something."
Part 2 of 3: Have a Productive Conversation
Step 1. Be honest
Don't hide the information. You need to build a relationship based on trust, especially if you are hoping to get permission to date the guy you like. If you behave honestly, your mother is more likely to trust you and believe you.
- Tell her about the guy you have a crush on: tell her how you met him and what type he is. If you're worried that your mom might not like some things about him, tell her anyway. It is better if he gets to know them from you rather than from other people or in other ways.
- Remember that your mother may have reservations about the boy for a variety of reasons. While it can be demoralizing, it's always best to be honest. By lying at this stage, you would end up damaging your relationship with your mother over time. If you're worried about saying something, try something like, "I know you might not take it well, but Marco is two years older than me."
Step 2. Introduce the topic
Getting to the point can be difficult, so stay calm. Tell your mom how you feel about the boy and why you like him. Being direct is always the best choice.
- Take a few deep breaths if you feel agitated. Say something like, "Mom, I've been thinking about Marco for a while. I think I have feelings for him."
- The conversation will go on smoothly if you don't force your mother to guess. Don't go around it - just tell her you like that guy.
Step 3. Listen to her point of view
You may think your mother no longer remembers how it feels at your age, but she doesn't. Even if she doesn't tell you exactly what you want to hear, listen to her.
- If you disagree with her, try putting yourself in her shoes. For example, let's say you are in your first year of high school and your boyfriend is in his last year; your mother may have reservations about whether this is an older, more experienced boy. He may also worry about your feelings: for example, if the guy chooses to move to another city to go to college next year, you will find yourself heartbroken.
- Try to listen as much as you talk. Avoid interrupting, even if your mother says something you don't like.
Step 4. Understand what your mother thinks about seeing a boy
Parents and children don't always agree when it comes to dating a boyfriend. If you want to see the guy you like, your mom might set up some rules. Pay attention to what he tells you so that there are no misunderstandings between you.
- If you are still in middle school, your mother may be preventing you from dating the boy altogether. If he allows it, he will have strict rules. For example, he may only allow you to go to school events like plays and games with him, not go out alone.
- If you are still in elementary school, your mother will not allow you to leave at all. Even if you should be saddened by this prohibition, remember that your mother only wants your good. You are still too small and you need to grow up.
Step 5. Be willing to compromise
You and your mother may disagree over permission to go out. For cultural, religious, or personal reasons, there may be strict rules in your family when it comes to dating a guy. If your mother says no, try to figure out if you can find a compromise.
- Try asking her for permission to date the boy under controlled circumstances. For example, he could come to your house, or you could go with him to public places where there are other people as well.
- You might also ask if you can only make friends with the guy. Maybe your parents will let you make new friends, as long as you're not looking for a boyfriend to date.
Step 6. Talk about sexuality with your mother
If you are considering dealing with your first time, then it is wise to discuss this with your mother first. Even if yours is just curiosity and you do not intend to have this experience yet, it is always better to consult with her. She will be able to answer your questions and may even appreciate your willingness to talk to her about it.
Try saying something like, "I think I'm ready for my first time, but I have questions. Can I ask you?"; or: "I'm not going to face my first time yet, but I have questions about it. Would you mind if I asked you?"
Part 3 of 3: Dealing with Conflict
Step 1. Avoid making comparisons with your siblings
Your parents may have different rules for you and your brothers or sisters. All guys are different, so don't be surprised if they treat you differently. For example, if you have an older brother, he may be allowed to date a girl, but you may not.
- Avoid getting defensive. Don't say, "But, you're letting Paolo go out with his girlfriend. Why can't I?" This could make you sound argumentative and exasperate your mother.
- Try to keep siblings out of discussion as much as possible. Focus on your relationship with your mother and don't involve brothers and sisters.
Step 2. Don't argue or complain
Doing so will only irritate your mother and will not help you find a solution to the problem. In case your mother doesn't want to compromise on certain rules, try to leave it alone and move on.
- Arguing is not about improving a situation. Even if you think your mother's rule is unfair, dragging her into a fight won't help her see your point. On the contrary, it would be even more unmotivated. He may think that you are not mature and, as a result, he may impose more restrictive rules.
- Instead of arguing, act like a mature person. Say something like, "Okay. I disagree, but I respect your point of view." In the future, you can try to address the subject again. Your mother may change her mind later.
Step 3. Look for realistic solutions to a divergence
Compromise is possible, but you need to keep your expectations in check. For example, if your parents are very religious and don't allow you to go out with a guy at all, you can't expect them to give up on that rule completely. However, there may be more realistic ways to find a solution.
- Behave like a mature person. Try saying something like, "We certainly don't have the exact same ideas on this issue. How do you think we should proceed?"
- Find out if there is a way to change the rules slightly. Let's say you're 13 and your mom doesn't want you to go out with a boy until he's 16. You might ask her to let you go out at least 14 or 15.
Step 4. Accept if your mom disapproves of your crush
Your mom may not like the guy you have a crush on. There are many reasons why he might disapprove. In this situation, there are things you can do to adapt.
- Try to understand your mother's point of view. It belongs to a different generation than yours and, consequently, has different values. If you criticize the guy you like, don't criticize his point of view.
- Avoid taking sides. It doesn't matter if you like someone your parents don't like; relationships, especially when you are young, can be transitory. There is no need to get involved in this situation. You simply acknowledge your mother's feelings while accepting that you like that boy.
Step 5. Don't hide a relationship from your family
This is a bad idea. Your parents need to know who you hang out with; they will feel excluded if you hide something from them. Even if your mom disapproves of your crush, you still need to tell her if you like someone and intend to see them.
