The term "male ego" is used a lot in conversations, often without a clear definition. To understand how the male ego shapes men's thoughts and behaviors, it is important to learn how it is constructed by society. In other words, what we consider "male ego" is the sum of prejudices and stereotypes about manhood and masculinity, which have social significance and have, to a large extent, been internalized unconsciously by almost all men.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Understanding the Relationship Between a Man and Society
Step 1. Learn what the "male ego" is
Based on the work of psychologists and psychotherapists of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, the ego can be defined as the self. After all, "ego" means "I" in Latin. The ego is the part of the mind that acts as a "mediator" between the forces and drives of the superego (our consciousness and our ideal self) and our ids (the part responsible for satisfying basic needs). The ego operates in reality, and mediates between our needs and the way to satisfy them in the environment. The ego maintains relationships with others, reconciling the id and superego instincts with the outside world. Many psychologists have taken inspiration for their theories on ego from the explanation given by Sigmund Freud.
In other words, the male ego is not only a reflection of the individual self, but also a cultural definition of manhood and ideas about how men should act and think. Men's identities are, therefore, forged by social influences. Humans are social animals, after all
Step 2. Learn that gender roles are constructs of society
To understand the male ego, it is necessary to know how gender roles develop and act in society. Gender roles influence people's thoughts and behaviors. These are sets of beliefs and actions that develop within specific cultural contexts and are associated with a particular biological sex (male or female). Roles help differentiate the sexes, so that men are seen differently from women. By fulfilling these specific roles, some people function better within their particular social context, while others may struggle.
To understand the male ego, you need to understand how society affects their expectations of themselves. It matters, because many men have developed methods of dealing with these social demands. In many cases, men don't even notice how society affects them. Most everyone, for example, does not know why they became football fans or why they think blue, green and gray are male colors while pink and purple are female colors
Step 3. Learn the basic characteristics of the male ego created by society
The male ego is driven by attention, action and recognition. Men are considered to be more active entities who are dedicated to important things (such as political leaders, soldiers, scientists, etc.) and which deserve the attention of others. In this view of the male ego, men are driven by physical strength, sexual libido and evolutionary biology, as competitors for female attention, to be competitive, to seek greatness and power, and to avoid showing emotions and weaknesses.
In nearly all American communities, for example, the role of man is typically understood and described in active terms. Men are brave, strong, competitive, independent and stable (in contrast, women are passive, emotional, weak and more socially oriented). To take another example, in many Western communities humans are expected to avoid showing emotion. Remember the old saying "men don't cry"? Instead, they should be macho and strong when facing personal challenges, such as loss, grief and sadness
Step 4. Understand that not all men feel comfortable complying with these standard gender norms
Many men feel uncomfortable having to fill a certain type of role. Imagine, for example, a man not attracted to women, even though heterosexuality is seen by society as the norm. Or men who love pedicures and facials, activities considered feminine.
It is important to understand what each individual thinks about these social expectations, which dictate how men should be, and how he reacts to them
Part 2 of 3: Managing the Male Ego
Step 1. Consider how social expectations affect a man's handling of emotions
All men and women have emotions, even if they show them in different ways. Men who don't show their emotions feel them anyway, but because of social conditioning they have learned not to show them.
- This may mean that the man you have by your side may remain stoic even after a loved one goes missing.
- Since anger is a more acceptable emotion for men to display, in situations where they feel sad, they may react by becoming angry instead.
- If your partner has a reaction that confuses you, considering his social conditioning will help you understand his reaction. He has emotions, but he has been educated not to show them, because it is considered a sign of weakness.
Step 2. Learn to recognize emotional repression
Men are often taught to suppress emotions, but this isn't always the most productive way to deal with them. Repressing emotions can create a rift between them and thoughts; this means that men may not even know what they are feeling. It is important for men to work on the expression of emotions, because repression can lead to negative physical and psychological effects.
- Due to emotional repression, your partner may not be able to discuss their feelings. If he is willing to work on this with you, consider that it will take time and effort.
- Remember that emotional repression is not a uniquely male trait. Women also repress emotions and have to work to learn how to express them productively. Just because women are considered to be better at expressing emotions, this isn't always the case. People are not already born with the means to express emotions meaningfully and efficiently; it is a skill that must be learned.
Step 3. Don't blindly follow outdated stereotypes about men and manhood
Contrary to the old saying, it is not true that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men and women are much more alike than people like to admit. Indeed, many scientists today prefer to discuss genres in terms of a broad continuum of possibilities, as opposed to a strict distinction between two options.
It is important to avoid having prejudices about men and to expect their behavior to conform to the role typically expected by society. Don't assume, for example, that you love sports, love beer, and hate romantic movies, because these are just stereotypes about men. Instead, learn about the man in your life on an individual level, rather than approach him according to your general view of men. After all, he is just a human being like you, who has personal thoughts, feelings and beliefs
Step 4. Be understanding
Try to understand the reasons why your partner does something that upsets you or surprises you. Women too often feel pressure to conform to society's pre-established roles. Instead of blaming him for this attitude, show compassion and understanding. In some cases, men do not want to submit to the male ego, but they do so because of social conditioning.
- If, for example, a man steps into a conversation to say that women's professional sports are a waste of time, don't attribute the comment to the male ego. Understand that she lives in a world where women's sports do NOT really have the same value as men's sports. In many ways, this attitude is not surprising; men and women have been told by society that men's professional sports are more important than women's. The problem is not this single man, but the whole of society and its way of considering men, women and sexual roles.
- Empathy can be an important step on the path of transformation. When you understand that man's behavior is influenced by expectations and social laws, you can open the conversation and question this process. You could, for example, talk about why we don't value female athletes as much as we do to male athletes in major sports. What kind of social influences have led us to think that women's sports do not have the same importance, such as media coverage, salaries, etc.?
- You can also show empathy by controlling your gut reactions when your boyfriend, father, or male friend is disrespecting gender stereotypes. If, for example, a man says he loves going to ballet shows very much, your instinct would be to consider this thought feminine and unmanly. Instead, check for this reaction and try not to give even more validity to the male ego.
Step 5. Learn to understand his sense of humor
Studies have found that men and women use humor to complicate their sexual identities, and to experiment with gender boundaries. The most interesting aspect, however, is how humor also serves to maintain the role of gender in society. While some men may prefer jokes that reinforce traditional gender stereotypes, such as considering women to be inferior to them, others may instead question these stereotypes, making fun of how men view themselves as superior. The way a man jokes about his manhood, and the conventional stereotypes that apply to men and women, can make you understand a lot about his personality and his willingness to respect these stereotypes, many of which are outdated, according to recent scientific research..
If a man makes a lot of sexist jokes that denigrate women and portray men as superiors, it will be very difficult to break his male ego. The first step should be a frank discussion of how these jokes aren't funny and the reasons that motivate him to make them. The hope is that he understands that jokes aren't funny and that he only makes them because everyone is making them. Making a man aware of his own behaviors, and drawing attention to the things he does for subconscious reasons, can help him be more responsible for what he says and does
Step 6. Make the relationship more intimate and closer
The closer you are to a man, the more you will be able to separate his true self from the social expectations that press him. Remember, though, that it can take time, as most men aren't willing to open up from the first moment. As with all relationships, it takes time to create intimacy, whether it's a romantic interest or a friendship. However, as the relationship progresses and you begin to dive into deeper arguments about interests and worldview, the man may begin to ignore the limitations imposed by his role.
- Talk to him and get to know him. Share private details from the past, stories that show who you are, talk about your childhood and what made you the person you are today. Ask the man to do the same; you may be surprised by his honesty and how, over time, the macho layers of the male ego thin out and reveal his true self. Maybe he'll confess that he cried when he saw "The Pages of Our Lives" or that he hates all sports, traits generally not considered manly.
- In other words, when he has more faith in you and opens up, he may be more honest about how he doesn't quite respect the gender role that is imposed on him by society. This will allow you to communicate with him in a more intimate and sincere way.
Part 3 of 3: Understanding Yourself as a Man
Step 1. Understand the concept of gender role stress
This is the stress and anxiety related to a gender role, which occurs when that role is not fulfilled sufficiently or appropriately. There are three main types:
- Discrepancy stress: when a person does not comply with typical gender norms. A man, for example, may experience this stress when he is depressed and decides to seek help. This creates a discrepancy with the notion that "men should resist".
- Traumatic stress: when a person is the victim of a traumatic event during the process in which society assigns him the appropriate gender. A man, for example, might feel depressed because of his relationship with a manly father who was very tough and taught him that "boys don't cry".
- Dysfunction stress: when a person plays a dangerous or painful gender role. When, for example, a man suffering from depression doesn't seek help based on the idea that men have to cope on their own, his depression will likely continue and could get worse.
Step 2. Learn that gender role stress can affect men's lives
As a man, you may feel a lot of pressure to conform to the ideals of manhood. Movies, television, magazines, and even the people around you give you signals about how you should act and what a man should be like. What happens, though, when your sense of yourself doesn't align with these expectations? What impact does this apparent inability to live up to have on your sense of yourself? Social expectations of men can be harmful and create problems with self-esteem and self-image. In some cases, the effects can be even more severe. Some men try to cope with this stress with unhealthy activities, such as substance abuse, escapism, and violence.
- Eating disorders, for example, are increasingly common among men due to the social pressures that push them to have fit, athletic and toned bodies. Men who do not have this "perfect" build fail to appreciate themselves and consequently punish their bodies.
- Making it on your own is typically a part of the male ego, so men often don't get the help they need.
Step 3. Address social expectations
Since social expectations of men are so high, everyone has to find a way to manage this pressure. Almost everyone does one of the following three ways:
- They modify their person to meet social expectations. Changing one's identity is not easy, and in many cases men do it to understand the benefits they can derive from meeting these expectations. For men, the benefits are numerous, including acceptance by other men, increased self-esteem, and improved social status.
- They reject social expectations. In this case, men who do not respect the pressures of society can suffer negative consequences, such as rejection by other men, a lower social status and reduced social and romantic possibilities. For this reason, many men don't choose this option and find it easier to stick to traditional gender norms and then address the discrepancy (not always in a healthy way).
- They change social expectations. While this is the ideal option, which could make a positive difference in society, it is also the most difficult. Gender norms are deeply rooted in society, and trying to change them is not easy. In the past, however, progress has been made, such as the more widespread acceptance of homosexuality and transsexuality.
Step 4. Start with strengths
Generally, men have few options for expressing their gender. They are confined to a stereotype, and the options listed above may not seem encouraging to many men. But one thing men can do to address social expectations is to build on the strengths of the stereotype. Some of the qualities of the male ego that can cause problems can also be transformed into resources and strengths.
- In a crisis or emergency situation, for example, and in some work environments, the skills to "stay calm" and "not lose your head" are of great value. These skills are useful for some occupations, such as a doctor or business owner. These are valuable skills that help us care for and support friends, family and community members.
- The biggest challenge, in this case, is to give the right value to the skills and notions that are part of the male ego, without them becoming your only way of operating. If, for example, it can be useful for men to stay calm and not be dominated by emotions, in some situations it is important to let them shine through and deal with them. Therefore, try to adopt some of the best traits of the male role without following them blindly or without personal criticism.
Step 5. Define your identity as a man
Remember that you have the option to choose your gender identity. YOU are in control. You may wish to follow some aspects of the society-constructed idea of manhood and reject others; maybe you will continue to love sports and to wear pants, but you will also decide to be a "housekeeper" (a position generally taken by women).
- You grow up and are intertwined in the society you live in. Once you can understand how much of your behaviors are influenced by society, you won't have to start from scratch - in fact, it's impossible to do so, because ideas about gender roles permeate all aspects of society!
- That said, being more aware of how gender is a social construct can help you become aware of your thoughts and behaviors. You can integrate aspects of the male ego that can improve you (such as being a leader or an ambitious person) and reject those that are harmful to your well-being and that of others, such as the need to dominate others or see emotions as a weakness..
Step 6. Talk to a psychologist
If you happen to feel that the stress due to the difference between the standard imposed by society and your personality is too much, and this begins to have a negative effect on your mental well-being, you should consult a psychologist. A professional can help you overcome the problems that are bothering you and live a happier life.
