When you marry a man who already has children, it is normal to feel pressured about how to behave with them. Below you will find some useful tips not to be "The Bad Stepmother".
Steps
Step 1. Find out if children like you and if they want to be with you
If children don't like you, make sure you don't invade "their space." If, on the other hand, they really like you and they want you to be involved in their lives, then spend as much time as possible with them: take them to the cinema, to have ice cream (or coffee, depending on their age), etc.
Step 2. Create a bond with the REAL mother
There is nothing worse than not pleasing the birth mother; there could be several problems and complications in the relationship with your husband and his children. If I knew her before the father of her children, the situation would be less embarrassing; in fact, it will be enough to call her and ask her how she is. If you didn't know her before, you can still call her and ask her if she wants to spend time with you. If she refuses, don't get mad (even if you are hurt) and still have a chat. However, don't go through this step as if you want to become "her best friend"; children, even if they are not yours, always come first.
Step 3. If the mother is dead, DO NOT try to become the new "Mom," unless requested to do so
If you invade the children's space after their mother dies, they may hate you as a result. Respect their privacy.
Step 4. Don't talk about sensitive growth issues with kids
When it comes time to talk about sex, menstruation, etc. do not talk to them unless they talk to you, or if you have had permission from the mother / father. You could hurt someone if you decide to have important conversations with children who aren't yours.
Step 5. Don't be angry if they call you by your real name
Especially in the beginning, if they call you by your first name or "stepmother", and they rarely call you "Mom," don't be sad, you understand that they just need some time to get used to.
Step 6. Don't force them to call you "Mom"
Just like the previous step, don't be offended if they call you by your name or "stepmother". In particular, don't force them if their birth mother is still present, and in any case, it's never fair to force a baby to call you a certain way.
Step 7. Involve the children
Don't think your husband is all yours now. Organize moments for just the two of you, but also moments to spend with the children, such as watching a movie together or playing box games. In particular, before planning the wedding, involve them in the wedding preparations if they are interested and even allow them to make decisions with you. Also, involve them in housework, especially if your husband has joint custody. Remember that you are their stepmother and not their slave and you have a duty to teach them to be family members and responsible people.
Step 8. BE CUTE
This is the most important step. If you're grumpy, mean, and if you don't love him, both your marriage and your relationship won't go very far. Be nice, help them and be respectful! Just because they're kids doesn't mean you can step on them! Obviously, you don't want children to disrespect you, so be rigid and decide how you want them to treat you. That said, you will need to model the behavior you expect of them through your actions, your kindness and respect towards them and towards your husband.
Step 9. If you have a natural child with your husband, don't treat him any better than your stepchildren
At first it may seem difficult to love children who are not yours as if they were, but you will get to the point where it will become a natural thing.
Advice
- TALK TO THEM of your love for their father and ask him what their feelings are. Ask your partner to do the same thing; it will be easier for children to accept the situation if they see both you and their father happy. Make sure you never make them feel left out!
- Different ages require different approaches; make sure children have their own space if you live together.
- If the children treat you badly and you are unhappy, talk to the father about it. Don't be too angry about it, but calmly explain your feelings to see if anything can be done.
- When in doubt, seek advice from other women in your situation, especially if you know they are doing a good job; it is very likely that the thousands of stepmothers in the world have faced the same condition as you.
- Be patient and talk about your feelings. Don't be jealous and if you show them your respect even if you fight, you will eventually win them over.
- Talk about the differences in your habits. Maybe they are not used to eating at the table, and you are; or, they are not as clean as you would like them to be. Don't judge them for that, they've been used to it and have already gone through a lot of changes recently!
- Don't let the father define the limits. You can still receive their respect and demand fair behavior while being rigid.
Warnings
- If you have already had other children with another man, your husband will also be a stepfather and the children will now have step brothers / sisters. Be patient in this case, because if the changes happen too quickly there will be problems in the future.
- Don't call them "my babies". You could make them angry and cause more trouble.
- At first, don't be alarmed if the children will hate you. Be patient and you will be rewarded.
