Listening to your parents arguing is difficult, and you may not know how to react when they do. You may wonder if there is nothing you can do to stop them. Unfortunately, no one can get another person to do anything - and that means you're not sure you can get your parents to stop fighting. However, there are things you can do to try to let them know how you feel and get them to stop on their own initiative. If you are feeling sad, scared, anxious, or angry about your parents' arguments, here are some tips on how to deal with your emotions and come up with a plan to handle this difficult situation.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Talk to Your Parents About Their Quarrels
Step 1. Decide if you want to talk to your parents about their quarrels
In most cases, telling your parents that their arguments are upsetting you is a good thing. Your parents may not realize you can hear them, or they may not understand how upset you feel.
They may think their fights are nothing serious, and don't think about your perspective on things
Step 2. Choose the right time to talk to them
As much as you may want to get them to stop fighting right away, it's best to walk away (if possible) when a fight is in progress.
Wait until they have calmed down, and tell them you want to talk about something that is bothering you
Step 3. Describe your point of view to your parents
You're making the mature decision to talk to your parents about how their arguments affect you, great! To increase the chances of having a good conversation with the desired result, you will need to try to communicate effectively. You should start by explaining to your parents what you see from your perspective.
For example "Mom and Dad, you seem to be fighting a lot lately, especially in the morning when we get ready."
Step 4. Tell your parents what you think
You want your parents to understand your point of view, so it can be a good idea to let them know what you think about the situation, even if you just think you're confused.
For example, you could go on to say, "I'm not sure why you have been fighting so much lately. Maybe because you had to work harder or because you have to take me to school early because I don't take the bus."
Step 5. Explain how you feel
Be honest about your feelings and your parents will likely listen to you, can reassure you, and decide to change their attitude.
For example, you could continue the conversation by saying, "Anyway, it's pretty stressful for me. I'm worried you're upset about me, and you'll end up breaking up."
Step 6. Tell your parents what you would like
Don't forget to express your wishes to your parents. Of course you might want them to stop fighting altogether, but that might be an unrealistic prospect.
You can, however, ask that they try not to get involved, or that they do their best to have a fight in private
Step 7. Write what to say first
If you're worried that you won't be able to remember everything you want to say to your parents, or if you're worried that you might get overwhelmed by emotions, it may be helpful to write things down before you say them.
Make sure your message includes all the steps described above (express your point of view, etc.) and then try it out
Step 8. Consider writing a letter to your parents instead of talking
While it's best to try to talk to your parents in person, if you're too nervous to do so, writing a letter can also help. This can give them time to digest what you are saying and talk about it together.
If you are writing to your parents, you should still communicate effectively, so think about the steps outlined above so you know what to include in the letter
Step 9. Listen to your parents' explanations
Hopefully, your parents will be willing to talk to you about what's going on between them and explain why they're arguing. If they are willing to talk, do your best to listen to them without interrupting them.
With any luck, the problems can be resolved and you may be able to come up with a plan for dealing with stress, disagreements and arguments in the future
Step 10. Talk to someone you trust about your parents' arguments
If you are unsure whether you should speak to your parents, if you are not sure what you should say, or if you have already spoken but nothing has changed, you should try to find a trusted adult to talk to.
Choose someone who trusts you, who you can trust and who has your best interests at heart. Think of a relative, a school psychologist, your favorite teacher, or a representative of your religious community
Step 11. Be open to the possibility of family therapy
Your parents may suggest that the family attend family therapy sessions. They may decide to do this after you talk to them, but even if you haven't, they may make this decision on their own if their fights are out of control.
- You may not like this, especially if you are shy or reserved or if you are worried because you think you will be bored.
- Remember this is a good sign! If your parents suggest attending therapy sessions together, it means that they care about the safety and happiness of the family.
Part 2 of 3: Knowing What To Do When Your Parents Argue
Step 1. Try not to overhear when your parents are arguing
Since you don't know why your parents are fighting and you are likely to misunderstand something they say, it's probably best not to listen to them.
Overhearing your parents' arguments will only upset you further, even if there is a chance that their problems will be resolved soon
Step 2. Find a quiet place
If possible, you should try to go to a place away from your parents so that you can relax and let them deal with their problems.
For example, you can go to your room and read a book or play, or go out into the garden
Step 3. Try to find a way to escape the fight even if you can't leave
You may not always be able to go to another room or leave when your parents start arguing.
- For example, many parents are stressed and argue during long car journeys. If you find yourself in a similar situation, you can still find a way to isolate yourself.
- For example, you could put on headphones and listen to relaxing or fun music, or focus on a magazine or book.
Step 4. Know when to call 911
If you don't feel safe when your parents are fighting, if you hear threats of physical violence, or if someone gets hurt, it's very important to go to a safe place and call for help.
You may be worried that your parents will be upset because you have involved the authorities, but remember that it is always better to be cautious than sorry and that it was not you who made the police intervention necessary - it is (entirely) their responsibility for having you. put in a difficult position
Part 3 of 3: Learning to Know the Quarrels
Step 1. Remember that it is normal for parents to argue
Maybe they started yelling at each other in the next room, or maybe they've been ignoring each other for days. Either way, you understand that they are really angry and you may be feeling stressed.
- However, it is important to understand that it is normal and in some cases even healthy for parents to disagree and argue.
- If your parents aren't always arguing and don't seem particularly worried, you probably shouldn't worry too much about occasional arguments.
Step 2. Learn why parents argue
Even if your parents are older than you and presumably wiser and more mature, they are still people. We all feel tired, stressed, or have bad days, and it's possible that your parents are fighting over these reasons.
They will probably both feel better soon and make up
Step 3. Remember that it's not always bad to know that your parents are fighting
Family health experts almost always advise parents not to argue in front of their children (you don't need to know all the details of their adult lives). However, it is equally important for children to know that their parents argue from time to time.
- One of the tasks of parents is to teach you that it is not possible to avoid disagreements, even with the people we love, and to teach you how to resolve them. If your parents are always hiding their disagreements, it will be more difficult for you to learn how to handle these situations in a future relationship.
- If you are lucky, your parents will let you know that they are not angry when they are done with the fight and that they have resolved their misunderstandings. If they always forget to tell you, and if you always have to look at them in worry to know that everything is okay, you could talk to them.
Step 4. Remember that your parents don't necessarily think everything they say when they argue
In some cases, when we are angry, we say things we don't think or regret. You've probably had a fight with your brother or sister, or one of your friends and said something terrible like "I can't stand you!" or "I never want to play with you again!".
- When you calmed down, you probably had to apologize and explain that you didn't think those things.
- While we would like our parents to always behave perfectly, in some cases they will say hurtful things that they don't really think. Hopefully, they'll apologize after the fight.
Step 5. Remember that it is not your fault if your parents are fighting
Parents can argue over everything from work, to financial problems, and even over topics that seem to be about you. For example, they might fight over money after paying a hefty sum for your riding course. You might think that if you didn't ask to take the course, they wouldn't fight.
- While it's easier to blame yourself and it's hard to think it's not your fault, it's very important to understand that it's not never your fault if your parents fight.
- Your parents have made the conscious decision to fight, and it's their fault that they can't handle the argument well. Remember that while an argument may seem to have only one cause (you), it could actually involve a lot of things that have nothing to do with you.
Step 6. Remember that if your parents fight it doesn't mean they will break up
It is possible that if your parents are always arguing, they will eventually split up. Remember that if it does happen, it won't be your fault.
You must also remember, however, that it is normal to argue between people who love each other. A fight doesn't mean your parents don't love each other (or don't love you), and even if they fight often, it doesn't mean they're going to split up
Step 7. Remember that it is normal to feel upset
Even if you understand that arguing is normal, you may still feel sad, stressed, worried, anxious, or even angry. These emotions may seem strange to you, but it is normal to feel them.
