Conflict is a part of every relationship, but sometimes the situation can get to a point where it seems like there is more pain and less love. However, changing the way we deal with differences can make a difference. Learning to be more open, tolerant, and understanding of yourself and your boyfriend takes time, but it's an important step in improving the relationship.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Examine the Usual Quarrel Patterns
Step 1. Find the most frequent reasons for your quarrels
It can be small things, like housekeeping, or big things, like jealousy, infidelity, or commitment.
Be aware, though, that arguments often revolve around something deeper, like resentment and disappointment. The things we discuss can be a mere pretext for venting deep frustrations
Step 2. Identify other factors that can lead you to argue
This could be alcohol, physical or psychological fatigue, stress at work or at school. By addressing them, you can significantly improve the situation.
Step 3. Consider your role in the problem
While you may feel like your boyfriend is all wrong, take a step back and ask yourself what role you play in the discussion. In some cases, admitting that you are wrong with your partner can drastically reduce the intensity of the discussion.
Admitting when you are wrong is very important. Also, be willing to accept that you may have different perspectives on something. Many quarrels continue because the people involved refuse to see things from the other's point of view
Step 4. Find solutions that are acceptable to both of you
You may not even know how you hope the problem will be solved. Take the time to think about what the ideal outcome would be, then ask yourself what other solutions, if any, you might accept. This way, you will be able to observe the contrast with your boyfriend from a broader perspective, taking into consideration your needs and your relationship as a whole. This will help put the argument in the larger context of your needs and the relationship as a whole.
If it helps, write down what you want to say to your boyfriend
Part 2 of 4: Prepare for a "Good" Discussion
Step 1. Tell your boyfriend that you want to talk to him
That way, he'll know in advance that there is something to clarify rather than being caught off guard. He will also have time to reflect on what he wants to say about his position.
Step 2. Determine the purpose of the fight, together with your boyfriend
You both should agree on what the goal is. It's a good idea to write it down and make a note of any compromises you can make.
For example, you may decide that the goal is to resolve the question of how much time do you spend together on weekends. You could write some sort of calendar that shows the days you can be together and the days you can do other activities
Step 3. Plan something enjoyable to do together when you're done talking
A new activity or your favorite one will help remind both of you why you are together.
Step 4. Set a time limit
Twenty or thirty minutes should be enough. This way, you'll ensure that the conversation (or argument) won't go on indefinitely.
Part 3 of 4: Changing the Approach to Quarrel
Step 1. Use first person sentences to express your feelings
This allows you to explain your thoughts without blaming your boyfriend. It also minimizes the risk of her becoming defensive, which helps keep communication open and fluid.
You could say something like, "I feel like I'm always the one who takes the initiative to send a message" instead of saying "You never send the first message."
Step 2. Let your boyfriend have his say, without interruption
Ask him to clarify his position and the way he sees things, and listen to him speak. Resist the urge to interrupt him, even if what he says bothers you. If you need clarification, ask in a non-aggressive tone of voice.
Step 3. Make your body language open
Non-verbal communication is very important. Sit or stand with your shoulders and knees facing him to let him know that you are listening to him. Avoid standing with your arms folded, stamping your foot on the ground and rolling your eyes.
Look for physical contact. By maintaining physical contact, you will be able to maintain a mutual connection, despite differences of opinion. Sometimes, it's even better to stop talking for a while and just hold your hand
Step 4. Listen to the underlying emotional message that your boyfriend is not putting into words
We all have emotional needs and perhaps yours have not been met. It is likely that he cannot communicate them directly, or that he does not even realize it. Think about how you might meet these needs in your relationship.
Emotional needs are: security, love, fun, friendship, physical intimacy, control over the other's space, inclusion, self-esteem, social status, sense of accomplishment, planning and purpose
Step 5. Confirm what your boyfriend said
Rephrasing what you heard from him in your own words will help both of you to be sure that you understand your points of view.
Step 6. Make sure your partner also allows you to express your opinion
Explain what worries you as transparently, calmly, and accurately as possible. If he interrupts you, kindly remind him to let you speak freely for as long as you need and it's up to you to speak.
Step 7. Decide what you can do to achieve a positive result
The decision will almost certainly involve compromises on both sides, but try not to be reluctant to give in on something for the sake of your relationship.
Step 8. Confirm your agreement
Make sure each of you is clear about your role in making the deal work. Try to agree that each can remind the other of the commitment made without creating new discussions and clarify what the consequences will be if you do not keep your promises. Set a date to reassess the situation and see if everything is going well.
Part 4 of 4: Dealing with Outbursts of Wrath
Step 1. Accept that you cannot change what is happening in the other person
Often we continue to argue despite the commitment. If your boyfriend says hurtful things, misunderstands you, acts arrogant or judges you, it means that his ego has been hurt and that he is acting this way to protect himself. Even if you think that by saying or doing the right thing you will fix the situation, in reality his emotional state does not allow him to be receptive to your words and behaviors.
Step 2. Walk away
Even if you can't change what's happening with the other person, you can take care of yourself. By realizing this, you will avoid deleterious confrontations. It is not a problem if you walk away from him, but remember that this is not a punishment. Try to stay open and loving, and when he decides to open up, stand by and listen to him.
Sometimes a 30 minute break can help both of you calm down. Go for a walk, call a friend, or do something different for a good half hour before going back to your boyfriend
Step 3. Stop talking
If for some reason you cannot walk away from him, stop the discussion and remain silent. Listen to what you feel inside, instead of blowing the fire with words.
Advice
- Try not to scream, even if you are very angry.
- Always speak in person, avoiding sending angry messages or emails.
- Sometimes, smiling can actually make you feel better.
- There are some times when you should avoid arguing at all costs, for example when you are under the influence of alcohol, driving, about to go out, in the presence of others (especially children), tired, stressed, hungry, sick or if you are on vacation or a special event. In these situations, most things, including discussions, can wait.
- Consider whether it is worth arguing to keep the relationship going. Talk about it. If you can't get over your differences but want to keep trying, consider a couple counselor.
