Bonding with your adopted child is easier than you think. The level of difficulty depends on the age of the child and the experiences he had at the orphanage or with his birth parents. This article will deal with children aged 5 and over. The most important thing to remember is that the child just wants to be loved and to grow up in a stable situation with a supportive family, even though he may seem distant or indisposed at times.
Steps
Step 1. Love the baby
Let him know that you will always be there for him and that you would like to spend time together.
Step 2. Find activities that your child may be interested in that will stimulate him intellectually and emotionally
Spend time with him so you can get to know him better and bond.
Step 3. If you live in a culture where privacy and personal spaces are very important (as in today's Western culture), give it its space and respect it
Knock on the door before you enter and, even if the idea doesn't appeal to you, let him decorate his room as he likes (and maybe help him do it) so that he perceives it as his personal space. He needs to feel that the new home is his too, and he needs to feel comfortable living in it. Of course, if he were to share a room with others, it would not be a practical solution. Not all families are able to afford an individual space for each member, especially in developing countries. In this case it is certainly more important to emphasize love and mutual respect for all family members.
Step 4. If the child has a nationality or religion other than yours, respect it
Ask him if he would like to celebrate some typical occasions of his culture, and maybe even learn about them. Go to the library or do your research online, and ask the child for information as well. You may find recurrences that you don't even know now, but that from now on you will have to consider holidays in all respects. Even if the child has never talked about it on his own, you still need to ask him what he would like to celebrate, and inquire accordingly. If you don't, it could silently build up resentment. Don't worry too much that you will experience different holidays than usual. Unconditional love for your new child is important, as is taking care of his or her needs.
Step 5. Ask him questions, but avoid poking too much into his personal affairs
Talk openly about his past. Never try to hide the fact that he was adopted. Having openness and honesty will make him trust you and you will become his "mom" or "dad" faster than lying or pretending would be possible.
Step 6. Give the child control over some family choices
Let him choose what you will eat each night, let him choose a family activity a week, a game to play together, a movie to see. He will surely need to feel decisive in a life that first moved independently of his will.
Step 7. Never belittle or attack his biological parents
Even if they gave the child up for adoption for stupid reasons and even if you disagree with their lifestyle, never tell the child that his real parents are "bad" or "useless". Doing so will not lead to anything good, in fact, it will backfire on you in the long run. Remember, if you don't have anything good to say about someone, then don't say anything. Benjamin Franklin once said this phrase about his success in interpersonal relationships: "I'm talking about all the positive things in men, not the negative ones."
Step 8. Relax
Your relationship will be born over time. Seeing that you respect and care for him, the baby will begin to love you. He will slowly begin to see you as "mom" or "dad" and his previous life will gain less and less weight as he becomes more involved in school, sports, etc. Just try to be an open and sincere parent and everything will be fine!
Step 9. Know how to ask a professional for help
Many adopted children come from families where they have been abused, from homes belonging to drug dealers or neglected, and may have seen or been involved in rather difficult situations. Quite often, adopted children may have emotional problems and learning difficulties that require professional help to overcome.
Advice
- In addition to setting rules, plan an evening for family games, an evening for special dinners, and the like. Always try something new that you can all do together, and let the child participate in the choice.
- Dedicate yourself to your child's well-being from the day they enter your home for the first time. Always choose the best for him: family counselors, parenting courses and much more. Create a support team for your child, include teachers, religious figures and other adults. A team approach is especially important with problem children.
- Remember that you are taking a child into custody to improve their life, not to control them. Don't try to change him, love him for who he is and help him pursue his dreams. What the child will become in the future depends a lot on the parents; the child will be able to express his potential in an environment where the adoptive parents support him and cheer him on.
- Make sure, before any child enters your home, that you know their previous history (many times the orphanage does not reveal everything the child has experienced), including the medical, psychological, behavioral situation and any cognitive disturbances. Also find out how many others have previously adopted the same child or how many times he has been returned to his biological parents before being re-assigned to the orphanage.
- Always be patient. Remember that you are a parent. You have to be a very patient and intelligent person to be able to think about adopting a child. Always remember this regardless of how hard the situations you face are. And remember that building a relationship with the baby will take as long as he deems necessary.
Warnings
- The child may reject you, rebel and even yell at you, "You are not my real father / mother!", But stay calm. Let him know that you are not trying to replace his birth parents. Let him know that you are only there to give him a home, and that you care a lot about him. These things take time. Remember that you are the adult and that the child has been through difficult situations.
- In the future, the child may want to seek out or talk to his or her biological family. Prepare for that moment. Never think that now his family is you and that he will forget the past. When the time comes and your child asks about his or her natural family, be very open in your answers, and let the child know everything you know. If the biological parents are still alive and have had problems with drugs or other illegal activities in their life, let the child know (only if they are old enough to understand the situation), but don't go into too much detail. Just tell him that his parents have had problems, that they would not be able to properly care for him and that you don't know what they think about him now. Prepare the child for the fact that even if they want to look for them, they may not want to see it. In any case, don't discourage him, support him whatever his decision.
- Your adopted child may have a condition called "reactive attachment disorder" (RAD) and, as they often travel as a couple, also post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These types of adoptions are not for the faint of heart. Normal advice does not apply to these children.
- Especially in the first few months, the baby may have some strange behaviors, for example suffering from nightmares to the point of waking up the whole neighborhood with screams. Be prepared for this eventuality. The child is facing a storm of emotions. Never get angry about such things, as they are totally independent of his control. Instead, be prepared to love him anyway, and always reassure him.
