The relationship with one's parents can be complicated. Whether you have a difficult relationship with your mother or you just don't see each other very often, you may wish you had a closer bond with her. If that's the case for you, you have a chance to turn things around! Strive to improve your communication and spend more quality time together.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Communicating with Your Mother
Step 1. Plan the communication
If you and your mom don't communicate a lot, you may need some structure to make your relationship work. Discuss it together and set a plan to improve it. For example, you might decide to take 30 minutes to talk every night.
Let your mother know what kind of communication you want to have with her. Also be sure to listen to his suggestions
Step 2. Don't assume she knows how you feel
Communication problems often happen because people forget that not everyone thinks the same way. That's why it's important to let her know what you think and feel, even if it seems obvious to you. If it seems to you that your mother cannot understand you, you may need to explain some concepts to her.
- For example, if you feel like your mother doesn't understand what you think about your new remedial teacher, you might say, "I don't think you understand what I think and I would like to clarify this point. Not that I don't care about the grades I get., but I would like to have the opportunity to improve on my own before taking remedial lessons."
- Encourage her to share her feelings as you do. Explain that you don't always know how she feels and that you would like her to help you understand her.
Step 3. Take some time to listen
Listening is a fundamental part of communication, often overlooked. The next time you talk to your mother, listen carefully to what she has to say.
- Ask her questions if something she says isn't clear to you.
- Give her time to finish saying what she has to say instead of interrupting her.
- Instead of jumping to conclusions about the meaning of what he is saying, ask for clarification when you don't understand.
Step 4. Ask additional questions
If conversations with your mom tend to be short and direct, while you'd rather go deeper, start asking questions. It will help you understand more of his views and beliefs.
- Focus on asking open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. Questions starting with "how" and "why" are particularly helpful. For example, if your mom tells you she likes a certain book, ask her why.
- If your mom doesn't reciprocate with the same kind of questions, you can still provide more detail in your answers. For example, if she asks how school went, you could tell her it didn't go particularly well because you had a surprise math test and your best friend was sick, instead of just saying it wasn't a good day.. Eventually you will get used to sharing more information with each other in every conversation.
Step 5. Share your problems
Sometimes teens and pre-teens feel distant from their parents because they feel like they can't talk to them about some important facts in their lives, such as problems with friends or issues related to love affairs. If you want to have a closer relationship with your mother, consider making her more involved in what's going on in your life.
- It might seem strange at first to share these kinds of details with her if you're not used to it, so start small. Each family has different boundaries as to what can and cannot be shared with other members.
- If you don't want his advice on an issue, tell him. Say something like, "I'd just like to let you know what's going on with my girlfriend, but I can sort it out on my own."
Step 6. Don't let your disagreement about something lead to an argument
It is important to focus on healthy communication - learning to talk to your mother without arguing. While you may have conflicting opinions on a topic, you can talk about it without getting angry.
- Always keep calm. Avoid yelling, insults and violent gestures such as slamming doors. For example, instead of yelling at her something like, "You're saying stupid things! You can't understand!", Try saying calmly, "I understand your point of view, but I'd like to share my opinion with you."
- Always respect your mother's opinion, even if you think it is wrong. Hear what she has to say and then share your views with her.
- Having a closer relationship with your mother doesn't mean you agree with her on anything. You can keep your ideas and even discuss your different points of view as long as you both remain respectful of each other's opinions.
Part 2 of 3: Spending Time with your Mother
Step 1. Find common interests
You may feel like you have absolutely nothing in common with your mother, but that's probably not true! There is a good chance the two of you have at least one interest in common. Regardless of what it is, use it to find activities to do together.
- The common interest can be represented by anything from the desire to travel the world to playing with the cat.
- Take the initiative to organize activities yourself. For example, if you both love animals, plan a trip to the zoo. You can let her know about the program or surprise her.
Step 2. Plan some time to strengthen your bond
Sometimes people can have very busy lives, so if you want to spend more time with your mother, you may need to write it down as an appointment in their respective calendars. Planning time together is proof that both of you intend to create a closer bond.
- This is even more important if, for example, you don't get the chance to see your mother very often due to her work commitments.
- You have to agree on the frequency of the meetings. It can be once a week or once a month, depending on your schedule and personal preferences.
- You can decide to carry out the same activity at each meeting (like going to eat an ice cream every Friday night) or plan different ones from time to time. What matters is that you are together and that you do something that both of you enjoy.
- You don't necessarily have to go somewhere when you spend time together. You can stay home making cookies if both of you enjoy it.
Step 3. Commit to spending quality time
Just being present in the same room doesn't automatically mean spending time together. When you spend time with your mother, make sure you are actually interacting, rather than coexisting in the same place.
Put away your cell phones, computers and other devices and instead focus on the conversation or do some activity together
Step 4. Celebrate together on special occasions
In addition to spending time together for no specific reason, you might try to celebrate certain events with each other. Whether it's her birthday or your graduation, let her know that you would like you to be together for that special occasion.
- Consider doing something special for your mother on her birthday or Mother's Day. For example, you could plan a trip to the beach or make her dinner.
- Let her know that you would like to celebrate the special occasions of your life with her too.
Step 5. Let her know how much you care
No matter how much time you spend with your mother, it's still important to remind her from time to time that you love her and that you thank her for everything she does for you. There are several ways to do this.
- You can let her know how much you care by telling her you love her or by giving her a kiss and hugging her. You can also thank her for something she has done for you. For example, you could say thank you for making dinner for you and let her know that you really appreciate that she took some time to cook, despite having had a very busy day.
- You can also let her know how much you care by trying to be kind, polite, and respectful. For example, you might make an effort to add "please" whenever you ask her to do something for you.
- Try to help her more with the housework - this will show her that you think she is and that you appreciate everything she does for you.
Part 3 of 3: Improving a Difficult Relationship
Step 1. Don't wait for things to change
If you want to change your relationship, don't be afraid to take the first step. If you both wait for the other to make the first move, nothing will ever change.
- Sometimes to change the relationship you have to change yourself. For example, if your relationships have become strained because you betrayed their trust, try to become more responsible and regain the lost trust.
- The longer you wait to resolve a conflict, the worse it gets, so learn how to manage your problems as soon as possible.
Step 2. Choose your battles
There are things that aren't worth discussing, so don't let them undermine the positive relationship you're trying to build. If you're on the verge of arguing with your mom about something, take a moment to think about whether or not to let it go.
- This is usually the best strategy to adopt when it comes to small matters. For example, if you disagree about a dad's birthday party, you might want to let it go.
- Don't dismiss issues that are very important to you. For example, if you and your mother disagree about your college choices, you shouldn't neglect your opinion just to avoid a conflict.
Step 3. Show empathy
Regardless of what kind of problem you have, try to see the situation from his point of view and understand how he feels. Feeling empathy will help you overcome past conflicts and move on.
- Always take a moment to reflect on why your mother feels this way. Remember that the experiences he has had in his life will influence his opinions. Doing what you can to understand where her starting point is is a great way to start feeling more empathy towards her.
- It is important to remember that your mother is a human being who makes mistakes, just like you. Don't expect it to be perfect.
Step 4. Forgive her for the pain she has caused you in the past
Regardless of what has happened between you in the past, you have the power to forgive her. Forgiving does not mean justifying his actions, but simply being willing to move on and not letting the past interfere with your current relationship.
- If you want to let her know that you forgive her for something she did, tell her directly. For example, you could say something like, "I would like to let you know that the negative comments you made about my boyfriend hurt me a lot, but I forgive you and I would like us to move on."
- Try to avoid bringing up past conflicts in your current quarrels.
- You can encourage your mother to forgive yourself as well.
Step 5. Tell her how you feel
In case she says or does something that hurts you, it's important that you let her know how you feel. It will allow you to talk about it and resolve the issue before it leads to a major conflict.
- When you do, avoid insulting her or accusing her of anything. Speaking in the first person can help you focus on your feelings instead of his actions. For example, you might say, "I get the feeling you're disappointed in me when you say things like that," rather than, "You don't appreciate anything I do for you."
- If your mother lets you know that something you did or said hurt her, it's important to be understanding and look with her for a way to fix the mistake.
Step 6. Talk to a therapist for the most important issues
If you are unable to repair the relationship on your own, you may want to consider seeing a therapist together. A neutral person may be able to help you understand what obstacles are preventing you from having the relationship you want.
Advice
- Relationships don't change overnight - be determined and patient.
- In most cases, it's not a good idea for your mom to be your best friend. She should offer you a different kind of love and support than friends offer.
