Negative events from the past can make it difficult for you to live in the present. When they are distressing, memories can keep you from sleeping well or getting through the day. There will come a time when you will have to let go of the past, otherwise there is a risk that it will affect the future. And yet, you will always carry with you a trace of your experience in the way you think, speak and perceive the world. When you try to manage all of this, it will feel like you are walking a tightrope, with no goal on the horizon. Keep in mind, however, that by taking one step at a time and maintaining a certain open mind, you can come to accept the past as a part of you. In this way, you will find the strength to leave behind the negative habits, which have kept you tied to unfulfilled dreams and betrayed promises.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Accepting the Effects of Past Experiences
Step 1. Recognize the challenges of the past
Sometimes, unresolved past experiences can produce lasting psychological and physiological effects. In these cases, it is important to understand how the past affects current attitudes or habits.
- A rather important first step is to stop pretending that past events do not leave any aftermath in life. In fact, you won't be able to overcome them until you accept them. If something happens that reminds you of a traumatic event or triggers a strong emotional reaction, try to calmly admit that this is the way it is. Give yourself a chance to become aware of what you feel about the past. The next steps will explain some particular strategies to help you deal with all of this.
- For example, if you find yourself living among others in a situation that awakens strong emotions related to the past, do not try to dismiss them. Instead, excuse yourself for a moment and step away from the group. Then reflect for a moment on what you have experienced and how it affects you before rejoining your party.
- The effect of past trauma can be particularly strong if you don't have a solid web of moral support around you.
- Sometimes, the trauma from past experiences can be so intense that it affects relationships with the people you care about. Left unresolved, past events can keep you from building strong relationships with those you love. They can even make you anxious at the thought of not being able to make your dreams come true. All of this, in turn, can affect your current attitude and habits so much that it complicates the management of obstacles in the course of life.
Step 2. Understand how trauma affects the mind
Traumatic or particularly strong experiences can affect our neurochemical system. Sometimes, they can also have structural effects on the brain.
- If you get the impression that you just have to "get over it", remember that reality is more complicated than it seems. Traumatic events can actually change the way the brain works. Therefore, it is likely that you will need a long time to get over them, so try to give yourself a break and be patient.
- Emerging neuroscience research suggests that the brain has a certain "plasticity". Genetic predisposition can be conditioned and express itself unpredictably following strong experiences. In other words, the brain can change, becoming a product of genetic combinations and experiences.
- You will probably have the impression that it is difficult to overcome and assimilate the physiological and psychological effects of past experiences in your life. However, it is important to keep in mind that the body and brain are constantly restructuring themselves based on new experiences. They have already changed in the past and will continue to do so again. Therefore, try to interpret these changes as positive phenomena.
Step 3. Accept that you cannot change what happened, except the way you see it
You don't have the ability to rewrite the past, but you do have the ability to change the way you perceive and manage it from now on. If not, the part of you that is suffering will drag that emotional pain into other experiences and relationships.
- Your efforts at this point should be directed towards accepting the past and forgiving those who may have hurt you. Allow yourself the opportunity to experience any kind of past emotion. Then try to detach yourself from those feelings and let them go.
- When you feel anger or pain about a past event, try to keep in mind that by holding on to negative feelings, you will only harm yourself in the long run. All the anger in this world will not be able to undo what happened. Therefore, become aware of what you are feeling, then find within you the compassion to forgive those who have hurt you and the strength to leave behind the evil received.
- This process takes time and is different in every person. The following steps in the article are designed to help you deal with it.
- By dwelling on the past, you could cause yourself problems and it won't do you any good to rationally want to get over it.
Step 4. Try meditation or yoga
There are several activities, which can be defined as "practices of body awareness", which can favor a reconciliation with the past. Meditation and yoga, for example, help to develop techniques of personal adaptation to the existing. Thanks to this kind of activity, it is possible to become more sensitive to the way in which emotions affect different parts of the body.
- Yoga is best learned under the guidance of a professional instructor. If you've never tried it before, do an internet search to see if there are free or low-priced introductory courses in your area. Many gyms offer affordable trial classes, which you can take advantage of to see if this practice is right for you.
- Meditation is something you can easily do on your own at home. Find a comfortable place to sit with your legs crossed and your hands on your lap. Close your eyes and breathe slowly and deeply. Try to eliminate everything from the mind, except the focus on breathing. You can buy CDs and download music files in MP3 format that can help your concentration, guiding you through the meditative phases.
- These practices give you time and psychological space to identify particular emotions related to past experiences. In doing so, they allow you to distinguish and examine the effects they have had on your way of thinking and acting.
Step 5. Keep a journal
Write down events that pertain to everyday life or that relate to the past. It's a great way to analyze more complex emotions.
- Start one evening by simply listing the events that happened to you during the day. You don't even have to force yourself to tell them in a narrative form. Try not to think too much about this, but keep an open mind and only note the feelings that arise spontaneously. By doing so, you will feel comfortable in front of your diary.
- It should be easier as the days go by, because it will become a habit. At this point you can begin to tell the past experiences that resurface in your mind as you write.
- Focus on what you think and feel. The important thing is to express yourself, not to tell a good story.
- Keeping a diary to which to entrust the memory of distressing events that occurred in the past can be useful to reconcile with them and to make them less intrusive in daily life. Expressive writing has both physical and mental health benefits. It can be helpful in processing your emotions and also in correcting sleep disorders.
- Such emotional work will likely take time and introspection. However, it can be very productive if you allow it to develop freely.
Step 6. Spend your time with other people
Sometimes, unresolved past experiences keep us from trusting other people we know throughout our lives, making it difficult for us to build healthy relationships. However, having a strong support system from others can be the most important factor in healing wounds caused by negative experiences.
- It is important to feel supported, and not frightened, when we are in the presence of others. Therefore, proceed with caution at first, perhaps inviting someone for a coffee.
- Volunteering can also be a great way to feel more comfortable interacting with other people. It can even help you become more familiar with your weaknesses by seeing others handle theirs.
Step 7. Seek professional help
If you sometimes feel dejected or completely helpless, consider seeking professional help. If the difficulties you are dealing with do not disappear or improve after following the steps described above, talk to a psychoanalyst or psychotherapist.
- There are times when past experiences can be so debilitating that you need to get help from someone who has experience assisting people who have gone through similar problems before. This is why there are psychoanalysts and psychotherapists.
- If you don't know how to find one, you can speak to your doctor. He will likely be able to recommend a good professional.
- You can also seek advice from the ASL psychologist. Go to the ASL closest to you and ask for psychology services.
Part 2 of 3: Creating New Habits
Step 1. Assess your social environment
Consider abandoning friends who keep you in the past. The social context in which we live is an essential part of what defines our being. It also affects how we assimilate past unresolved experiences within our life.
- Spend some time reflecting (or perhaps journaling) about the people you hang out with and how they make you feel. If there is someone in your life who makes you feel bad or reinforces bad habits, consider spending less time with them.
- For example, those who constantly demoralize you cannot occupy a prominent position in your life. Friends who make it difficult for you to reconcile with the most delicate past experiences can also be a problem. Consider making new friends or, at least, getting ready to change the environments you frequent.
- It's not always easy, but it can be a great way to experience new things, get out of your comfort zone, and mature as a person.
- It would be a good idea to try out new hobbies with new friends. When you're ready, start pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, perhaps by joining a sports team or enrolling in an art class. New horizons of life will gradually emerge that otherwise would not have seemed possible.
Step 2. Be grateful to friends who support you
Don't be disheartened by thinking about people who don't respect you and don't esteem you. Instead, focus on those around you. Show that you appreciate their help.
- Perhaps it will be difficult not to dwell on the negativity. However, the friends who support you are the ones who deserve your attention.
- Surround yourself with good friends during this time. Having supportive people around will help you stay strong. This way, you will have confidence in yourself when you have to deal with unresolved past experiences or complex emotions without feeling alone.
- When you feel slightly destabilized, try spending some time with people you trust and who can help get you back on track.
- If you're on the verge of relapsing into a bad habit or on the verge of despair, call a trusted friend and invite him for coffee or drop in on you. Having someone around, you will feel that you have support and all of this will help you go through difficult times.
Step 3. Try systematic desensitization
It is a method that gradually exposes you to potentially painful situations as you use certain techniques to stay relaxed. The goal is to increase the feeling of well-being as you experience these situations alone.
- This is an approach you can use to begin to become familiar with the contexts and circumstances that cause you excessive anxiety.
- Start learning basic relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation exercises. Then expose yourself to situations similar to those that cause you discomfort. Use the relaxation techniques you have learned to stay calm.
- Start experiencing stressful situations for short periods. The secret is to move at your own pace, avoiding going too far. Eventually, you will be able to calmly deal with situations that are currently causing you distressing feelings.
- For example, imagine that you have been attacked and seriously injured by an aggressive dog. You've probably started avoiding all dogs. To overcome this fear, you should try to meet a trusted friend who owns a mild-tempered dog. Use relaxation techniques before and during your home visit. Try to come back other times, increasing the time. It may be difficult at first, but by spending a few moments with a dog that poses no threat, you can overcome the negative feelings associated with past aggression.
Step 4. Face your fears and change your habits
Sometimes we develop habits that prevent us from facing and overcoming unresolved experiences. They can hold us back from elaborating the effects that the same experiences produce on our current decisions. To assimilate these effects, it is necessary to change these habits and, consequently, it will be possible to deal with one's feelings.
- Let's continue with the example on the fear of dogs. If you are attacked by a dog, you may develop a habit of crossing the street when you see someone walking a dog. You may even get to the point of doing it without even thinking about it. In the immediate term, this behavior probably reduces anxiety. However, in the long run it may prevent you from overcoming your fear. Either way, it's a drawback. Therefore, make an effort to eliminate this habit. You don't need to find a dog, but try to stop crossing the street when you see one coming in your direction. Once you are familiar with this type of situation, you may also want to ask a stranger to pet his dog. Gradually you will be able to leave behind the trauma you have experienced.
- Systematic desensitization can be helpful when trying to change counterproductive habits.
- Sometimes we don't realize how unsolved experiences can change us. The efforts we put into avoiding them creep into our daily habits. One way to become more aware of behavioral changes is to ask someone we trust if they have noticed something odd in the way we act. Often others are able to grasp attitudes that we are not able to notice in ourselves.
- For example, after a romantic breakup try asking your best friend, "Have I been acting weird since my girlfriend and I broke up?"
Step 5. Write a checklist of your behavior
Sit down and make a list of times you avoided doing something because you were afraid or didn't want to feel uncomfortable. You don't even have to know why you were afraid at that moment. Sometimes, simply noting feelings about past experiences can be a great way to let them flow more openly.
- This job can be especially useful if you don't have a good friend around to ask about your behavior.
- When ideas start flowing, think of a new way to deal with this kind of situation in the future.
- For example, imagine that thanks to your list, you realized that you are reluctant to go out with friends. Start inviting them to your house to keep things under control. At first you might invite close friends and then, after a few times, ask them to bring other people you don't know very well.
- Don't be in a hurry or afraid to ask people you trust for help. If you go gradually, you will be able to process the effects of more negative past experiences that you have never been able to resolve.
- If you slowly push yourself towards ground that you would have previously felt uncomfortable on, the dysfunctional habits will begin to wear off. Then you can start acquiring new, more functional habits in everyday life.
Part 3 of 3: Overcoming Difficult Times
Step 1. Set aside all objects that are troubling you
For a while, it can be helpful to keep things that remind you of unresolved past experiences in a box. Get a box and throw in anything that has a connection with a failed relationship or a job that made you suffer. You should put aside anything material that brings to mind distressing experiences.
After some time, decide whether to throw away or keep the box. Either way, you will come to a conclusion about its content that will no longer affect you
Step 2. Write your feelings or say it out loud
Defining unresolved emotions and experiences in words can make them more tangible and help you manage your feelings better.
- You could, for example, write a letter to a person or people in the past who hurt you or who went through a difficult event with you. It would be very helpful to be able to get in touch with them, even if they aren't actually there and can't talk to you.
- You could write or recite a poem or a narrative piece. Anything that allows you to release the feelings that you have been anchored to for a long time will do. No matter how horrible the words that come to your mind may be, say them.
Step 3. Make reasoned decisions
As you go through the healing process, be aware of the triggers that can cause you to slip back into old habits, such as making contact with a person who is hurting you. Sometimes, even watching a movie that resembles an unresolved experience can be a trigger.
- When exposed to such a situation, use the techniques described above. Aim to actively control your habitual reactions and challenge yourself to do things differently.
- This also means avoiding making hasty decisions that you may regret later on. For example, think carefully before cutting any bonds with a member of your family or sending someone a vitriolic note. Before you give up on something you've built over time, such as a job, subject such a decision to careful scrutiny. Eventually some of these choices may be the path you will take after thinking carefully. However, at the beginning this exercise is intended to strengthen you so that you can make decisions with serenity and sensibility.
- Seeing a psychotherapist or mental health counselor can be particularly helpful. He will offer you helpful tips for dealing with experiences that trigger negative feelings.
- In difficult times, remember that the future matters. Your goal is to build a future in a responsible, thoughtful and honest way, free from the grip of the habits of the past.
Step 4. Take it one step at a time
Don't expect an overnight transformation. You will get the best results if you give yourself the time and space to process the effects of the past in your life.
Each person recovers at different times. If you start thinking "I should have gotten through this by now" try replacing that thought with "I've made progress and will continue to make it."
Advice
- Some losses are not final. Even as an adult, you still have the opportunity to indulge in pleasures that were denied to you as a child. Regardless of the age, don't hesitate and start collecting comics, dolls or anything else you missed. You can make childish amazement accompany you throughout your life, even if you did not experience childhood the way you would have liked.
- Always believe in yourself. Never listen to those who try to denigrate you and don't take criticism personally.
- Try to be positive and focus on the progress you are making, rather than the setbacks that have occurred in the past.
Warnings
- Avoid living in the past as a justification for not improving the present. If things don't go your way, analyze them instead of fossilizing yourself complaining that everything was better once. As a human being, you have the ability to innovate, create and adapt, and you are also perfectly capable of choosing to live better. However, you risk holding back by comparing your current situation to the past.
- An unhappy childhood is not something exclusive. By constantly using it as an excuse not to improve yourself or the situation you are experiencing, you will only harm yourself by compromising your ability to process the effects of unresolved experiences. Accept that what happened to you when you were little was neither good nor right and try to recover. Get therapy if needed, but don't allow your current chances of having a fulfilling life to be shattered by how you feel. If you do, the demons of the past will win.
