Episodes of infidelity, of whatever kind they are, have a devastating effect on a relationship. If you've cheated on your partner and are looking for a reconciliation, you have a lot of work to do to repair the damage and heal your relationship. The healing process will be long, emotionally demanding and will require considerable work on both sides. Your partner has suffered a devastating blow, so both of you have to try to figure out if the damage is repairable or not. Particular attention to your partner's needs, coupled with a commitment to the arduous task of healing your relationship, can help you overcome the pain caused by infidelity.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Take Your Responsibilities
Step 1. Stop being unfaithful
If the person who cheated on is you, to have any chance of rebuilding the relationship with your partner, you must immediately end the relationship with the other. This is an essential condition.
Step 2. Make any changes necessary to physically distance yourself from the other
If the relationship is with a colleague, for example, you may want to consider asking for a transfer, or changing jobs directly. To close a story born in the gym or in another context, however, it may be necessary to change your social connections.
Step 3. Be fair to your partner
Tell him what happened and why. If he asks you, you can also reveal the more intimate details of the relationship to him, but it may be too painful at first. Your partner may not want to know anything about it. It must be his choice, which you must respect.
- Your partner, faced with your admission of such a serious and painful event, is likely to react badly. While your partner will pinpoint your infidelity as the root cause of their pain, you may face a variety of problems as they try to express their pain.
- If your partner has also had episodes of infidelity in the past, they could turn up on this very occasion. He may react by revealing these past incidents to exploit the most comfortable weapon he has at his disposal. Prepare for such a revelation and remember that if you feel hurt, his suffering is no less. The healing process will be long and tiring for both of us.
Step 4. Be honest with yourself
Spend time trying to identify the reasons for your infidelity. The reasons that may have contributed to the birth of your clandestine relationship are the most varied: among others, low self-esteem, alcoholism, sex addiction, particularly serious marital problems, alleged deficiencies in your relationship.
- Popular wisdom holds that infidelity is always a sign of something missing in a relationship; it is important, however, to realize that nowadays specialists tend to consider this motivation only one of the many possible ones.
- Regardless of the underlying reasons, you should never blame your partner for your decision. Even if you feel that your relationship is missing something, it was you who chose the path of infidelity instead of trying to solve your problems together.
Method 2 of 4: Establish Communication Based on Honesty
Step 1. Try to be transparent
Your partner will likely have tons of questions to ask you. He may want to know under what circumstances you met and if the relationship went on for a long time or just for one night. He will spend a lot of time going over the last few months, or years, of your life together and reflecting on things you have done or said in the past and possible reasons. Making known all the sexual details of your relationship with the other is not appropriate at this first stage, but it is important that you are available to provide them if your partner asks you to.
- As a couple, calmly deal with the many problems that your infidelity will bring up. Answer your partner's questions clearly and honestly, but expect new ones to surface over time.
- Answer any questions he asks you and be aware of his willingness to hear all the details. Don't hide anything, but be patient if he still doesn't ask you the questions you think are most important, such as the reasons that led you to be unfaithful. Your partner must have time to digest all this news. Wait for him to ask you and, only at this point, answer frankly but also delicately.
Step 2. Give your partner all the time they need to process events
You are well aware of the relationship ever since it started. For him, however, it is a painful novelty. If he ever had any suspicions, only now did they materialize.
The time it takes to heal a relationship after an episode of infidelity varies from one case to another, but keep in mind that it can take up to a couple of years
Step 3. Talk honestly about the future of your relationship
Be realistic: does forgiveness seem like a real possibility? If you see hope for the future, make a serious commitment to the daunting task of regaining his trust.
- As you reflect on the future of your relationship, consider the feelings of those who will inevitably be affected by your decisions. For example, if you have children, the consequences for them can be more severe than for you as a couple. Compared to couples born a few months or years ago, people who have been married for decades have a network of relationships and a wealth of experiences and memories in common that bind them much more closely.
- Realize that even if your partner is willing to forgive you, it may take a long time.
- Don't make rash decisions. Give yourself ample time to be sure you are making decisions based on careful reflection and not on the spur of the moment, perhaps after a heated discussion.
Step 4. Consult a psychotherapist or psychological counseling practitioner
Individual therapy can be an important tool for analyzing the motivations for your way of acting. A couple therapy, on the other hand, can represent an important support for you in the complicated path necessary to reach forgiveness.
- A specialist can provide you with objectivity and non-judgmental support that can help you process your feelings.
- Additionally, an outsider you trust can act as arbiter at painful arguments you may face.
Method 3 of 4: Restore Honesty and Sincerity to Your Relationship
Step 1. Show that you take responsibility for your actions
You will need to make an extra effort to prove to your partner that you are a trustworthy person. Inform him about your projects, respond to his requests for information and reassure him.
However, keep in mind that the episode of infidelity in which you became the protagonist is not a sufficient condition to completely eliminate your right to privacy. Be aware of the moral obligation to inform your partner, but don't feel compelled to account for your every move or to provide them with a list of your address book phone numbers and social media passwords. Actions of this kind only reinforce the climate of suspicion and certainly do not help to rebuild a broken relationship
Step 2. Give your partner all the time and space they need
Don't expect to be forgiven right away, certainly not in your own time. Your partner will need to convince themselves that they have compelling reasons to trust you again.
- Take a break if you realize that emotions are taking over. Your partner may need physical or emotional space to process their feelings. Politely leave the room, take a walk, or leave your partner free to take a pause for reflection.
- Give yourself a set time to process emotions that are particularly difficult to manage. For example, you can put a half hour timer to limit discussions to a certain amount of time. In this way, the discussions will take place more orderly, giving you a way to focus on the subject, without risking that they degenerate into "outbursts" or other sterile manifestations.
Step 3. Forgive yourself
Forgiving yourself does not mean freeing yourself from the consequences of your behavior, nor does it relieve you of the hard work you have to go through to change. Rather, it serves to release the mental and emotional energy needed to proceed and grow. At this point, you can really commit to healing your relationship and changing your habits.
- Every day is a new day. Each morning, when you wake up, remind yourself of your commitment to growing and healing your relationship.
- If you find it useful, you can do a little symbolic ritual: take a piece of paper that says "betrayal" and burn it (be careful!), Or destroy it. Remember this gesture whenever you happen to dwell on the memories of your past experiences. By committing yourself to grow, you have cut ties with the past, literally and metaphorically.
- If you find yourself wallowing in remorse, try to find an alternative activity that can take the place of self-pity. For example, you could send a nice text message to your partner, or engage in a home business or a new hobby that helps redirect your behavior in a more constructive direction.
Method 4 of 4: Reaffirm Your Commitment
Step 1. Reaffirm your commitment to a "new" relationship
Your relationship, as it was before the betrayal, is over. However, if you and your partner have decided to leave everything behind, there is a possibility that you are about to begin a period of reconciliation, growth and development, which could prove rewarding. This new phase of your relationship will bring with it new rules and new expectations, which you will need to examine together to make sure you are on the same page.
Step 2. Make time to spend together doing things that have no connection with your experience of infidelity
Without denying the importance of communicative effort to rebuild trust, your fragile relationship can only receive benefits if you dedicate yourself to having new experiences together.
- You can also consider activities that you have done in the past but have abandoned if they can help restore constructive habits.
- Discuss your goals and interests. Your partner may have always wanted to travel. You can think of dedicating some time to researching a possible trip, engaging in cultural studies and insights that can turn your dream into reality. It may be that your partner has always dreamed of running the half marathon. If you share this interest with him, commit to achieving the goal together, or, if you don't practice running, commit to becoming his main fan.
Step 3. "Stay in the present"
As painful as it is, the episode of infidelity is now a thing of the past. Focus on your future together and at the same time remember that you are now called to meet higher standards of personal responsibility and emotional communication.
Step 4. Work hard to restore your sense of intimacy
If there has also been sex in your relationship with the other, set yourself the goal of re-establishing the trust necessary for sexual intimacy with your partner.
- Be aware that your partner needs to redefine the parameters of this "partnership" that is your relationship. Satisfying sexual intimacy requires total trust.
- Verify that you have had sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) diagnostic tests. Don't put your partner's health at risk - a positive diagnosis could have devastating emotional consequences.
