Are you still angry about betrayal and all that it entails and can't get the thought out of your head? To leave it behind, you must decide to forgive, even if you will never forget it.
Steps
Step 1. Make a list of questions about cheating that you want answered
Be selective, as this will most likely be a one-time conversation, or two at the most. Choose the questions that need to be answered. You may or may not want to know the sexual details, or your main interest may be in the "when", "where" and "why" questions. Hopefully, you have a spouse who is patient and eager to discuss these things with you - you will need a partner with love and patience to get through this period unscathed without resorting to divorce.
Step 2. For the discussion, choose a quiet time and a place that does not have disturbing noises
You should insist on the questions until they have found an answer. Don't go into a different topic that might come from your question.
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Write down the answers, and repeat them to your partner. Try explaining what your partner replied to you in other words to see if you understand what they said. Stay calm, because you want to know the truth.
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Don't get angry during the conversation. Remember that the point of the matter is to forgive and leave the situation behind.
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Step 3. Forgive
Forgive your partner for anything specific about the betrayal itself. For example, there is not only sex, in a betrayal. There are lies, other manipulations and even deceptions. It is of great help to forgive each aspect of the betrayal individually, sincerely. Think about sex and forgive it. Think of the lies and forgive them. Think about the manipulations and forgive them. Forgiving all these aspects in a generic way leaves too much room for thoughts, which can come back to haunt you every day. Forgiving specifically should have the most positive results, which can help save your marriage.
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Not only do you need to forgive your spouse in general, but you also need to forgive knowingly and specifically for each area or aspect of the betrayal and deception.
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Once you have consciously forgiven your partner for these things, specifically, one by one, you have a chance to truly forgive and forget. The hard part is forgetting, but this can really help. Consciously forgive specific areas or aspects of these bad things. Look inside your heart and try to understand that the matter will never be resolved if you have not forgiven sex, humiliation in the eyes of others and all lies. You have to forgive the lies, and this is even more important than forgiving sex.
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Advice
- When your mind starts recalling images or other things that ignite fierce anger, take a deep breath, relax, and let it pass.
- Find a hobby to keep yourself busy. It is a good idea to do something with your partner in order to rebuild trust. Always try to tell the truth about even the smallest things, otherwise your partner will face your anger all the time. If you can't forgive from the bottom of your heart, emotions, anger, and resentment will be an integral part of your life.
Warnings
- Don't betray yourself, at any cost. You will feel even worse. Eventually, you will have to confess the betrayal and you will not be better than your mate.
- Don't make a rash decision to leave. Think about your future: Think about the future with and without this person, especially if you also have children. Try to figure out how much information your partner is planning to share about cheating. Don't be too nagging when trying to get this information, as it could have the opposite effect. Before a relationship, clearly define your limits, establishing what you will endure and what you are not willing to endure. Stick to those limits instead of changing them. If you force these limits, you will not be happy.
