A betrayal can have devastating consequences on the trust within the couple. However, it does not necessarily mean the end of the marriage. With patience, persistence, and commitment, you can show your wife or husband that you still deserve their trust. Start by admitting the mistake you made and sincerely apologize. After that, you have to work hard to be open, honest and trustworthy. Consult a psychotherapist who can help you repair the damage caused to the relationship and solve the problems at the origin of your infidelity.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Dealing with Immediate Consequences
Step 1. End your extramarital relationship permanently and immediately
Close it all on the spot as soon as you are discovered, even better sooner. Make it clear to the other person that your date is over and, if possible, cut off all contact with them. Share this news with your spouse or tell him you intend to do it right away.
The ideal would be to end the relationship and tell your spouse what happened before he or she learns about it in other ways. If you wait for him to discover you and inevitably come to a fight, the situation could get complicated and heal with great difficulty
Step 2. Take full responsibility for what you have done
Don't try to lie, hide the truth, or justify your actions. Explain to your spouse what happened concisely, yet clearly, and acknowledge responsibility for the choices you made.
- For example, you might say, "I've been in a relationship with Susan for 6 months. I lied to you saying I was in a meeting late, but I saw her every week after work."
- Don't blame your spouse or the other person for what happened. Even if you think you had valid reasons for cheating, you have to admit that the choice was yours.
Step 3. Sincerely apologize
Once you confess your infidelity, show your repentance sincerely and directly. Do not put forward justifications or extenuating circumstances and do not even propose conditional commitments (for example: "I'm sorry. If you forgive me, I promise you I will never do it again!"). Simply say that you regret what you have done.
- For example, you might say, "I am so sorry for what I did and I feel terrible for hurting you and damaging our relationship in this way. I just want to tell you that I love you and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to save the our wedding ".
- Don't make excuses to justify your behavior or blame your partner. For example, avoid saying, "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't neglected me."
- You will probably have to apologize multiple times for what happened. Even if it is frustrating, resist the temptation to say: "Come on, I already apologized!".
Advise:
when you are sincere, you apologize by saying "I'm sorry …" instead of "I'm sorry that you …" or "I'm sorry, but …"
Step 4. Listen to what your spouse has to say
He will probably have a lot to say about what happened and you probably won't like hearing him. However, you need to get him talking. Listen calmly and patiently, without interrupting or trying to defend yourself.
- Communicate your attention by looking her in the eye, nodding and saying "right" or "sure".
- Try rephrasing what he said to show you listened and make sure you understood correctly. For example: "So, you are angry not only with me, because I betrayed you, also with yourself because you did not immediately understand what was happening".
Step 5. Acknowledge and validate his or her state of mind in relation to the betrayal
your partner may feel angry, sad, scared, disgusted, confused or even guilty about what happened. Even if their reaction is upsetting or overwhelming, acknowledge how much they are feeling without judging, rejecting, or minimizing.
- For example, you might say, "I know you are angry with me right now. I understand that."
- Don't say, "I understand your anger, but try to calm down" or "Come on, I only kissed her a couple of times. Stop making it a matter of state."
- You too will probably be confused about what happened. It's normal. You have every right to feel angry, sad, frustrated, guilty or upset and you don't have to judge yourself. However, acknowledge that your spouse is not in the right position to help you process your feelings right now.
Step 6. Answer all questions openly and honestly
After learning about your infidelity, your partner will surely have some questions for you. You may find them painful or excessive, but explain them as fully and truthfully as possible. Be prepared to answer the same question multiple times - repeating the same questions is a common and normal reaction when trust is badly betrayed.
- your spouse may ask you about some details of the story: where, when, why and how often. He may also ask you how you feel about him (for example, "Do you love me?" Or "Do you think I'm more attractive than me?") Or ask if you have been in other relationships or lied in other situations.
- Answer her questions comprehensively, but don't feel pressured to go into details. For example, you might say, "Yes, we have had sex multiple times," but avoid giving further details unless asked.
Part 2 of 3: Throwing Betrayal Over Your Back
Step 1. Give it time to digest what happened
A relationship takes time to heal and everyone processes pain in their own way and at their own pace. Don't force your spouse to move on or forgive yourself if she doesn't feel ready. Be patient with her as she processes what she is feeling and begins to trust you.
It is important to consider that some marriages never fully recover after a betrayal. Those around you may not be able to forgive or trust you again
Step 2. Ask how you can be forgiven
Talk to your loved one to see how you can help improve the situation. Even if you don't solve the problem, you can show her your good will and show her that you are serious about saving the marriage.
For example, you might say, "I know I'm not always ready to do my part around the house. How about if I take care of the laundry and dishes from now on?"
Step 3. Be transparent and trustworthy
In order for your spouse to restore their trust to you, you will need to prove that you are worthy. Tell her what you are doing, when, where and with whom. Answer any question you may have honestly and try to reassure her in advance by giving her information before she asks.
- It may ask you to read emails, cell phone calls, and private messages. While it seems like an invasion of privacy, by allowing her access to this part of your private life, you will have the opportunity to rebuild your credibility after the betrayal.
- Tell her immediately if there has been contact with the person you dated. For example, you might say, "I saw Susanna at the bar today. She said hello and I did the same, but we didn't talk."
Step 4. Be serious and consistent
If you say you will (or will not) do something, keep your word. If you are unable to keep your promise or fulfill your obligations for any reason, notify your spouse right away explaining the reasons.
For example, if you promise to come home at a certain time every night, you have to do it. If something stops you, contact your partner immediately and explain what's going on. For example: "I was driving home, but the car broke down. I'll show you the bill from the breakdown company when I get there."
Step 5. Establish boundaries and ground rules together
Ask her what she expects of you and how you can try to regain her trust. Work together to identify what you can do to help her feel more confident in the relationship, and ask her from time to time if she is okay to make sure her needs are met.
For example, you may decide to hear each other on the phone at a certain time of day
Step 6. Do your best to manage the fears and anxieties that assail her
After the trauma of betrayal, a spouse may exhibit many insecurities. If it raises concerns or concerns, reassure the person sincerely and take concrete solutions to alleviate their fears. Don't minimize or ignore their concerns, even if they seem silly or excessive to you.
For example, she may fear that your adventure has put her at risk of a sexually transmitted infection. Even if you think it is unlikely, undergo all the necessary diagnostic tests and check the results of the tests together
Step 7. Show her your frailties
It will be easier for him to trust you if you let down your defenses and show yourself as you really are. Openly communicate your thoughts, fears, hopes, strengths and weaknesses. In this way, you will be able to build a deeper relationship that will allow you to meet your mutual emotional needs.
Don't confuse vulnerability with being weak: in reality, it takes a good deal of strength and courage to open up to others
Part 3 of 3: Seek Professional Help
Step 1. Consult a couples psychotherapy specialist if you both agree
While you can work to rebuild your relationship on your own, a marriage counselor can be a valuable contribution when a couple tries to put a betrayal behind them. Search online to find one nearby or ask your doctor for advice.
Couples therapy can help you process your feelings in a healthy and productive way, but also identify underlying problems that may have led to the betrayal
Step 2. Go to therapy alone to solve your problems
Whether or not your spouse is willing to join you in psychotherapy, you could have benefits on your own as well. A good professional can help you deal with the guilt, sadness, or frustration following an extramarital affair, and can also help you deal with the issues behind the betrayal. Ask your doctor to recommend a therapist or find one near you on the Internet.
The spouse could also benefit from individual psychotherapy. However, don't push him if he doesn't want to. It's a decision you have to make yourself
Advise:
the search is not easy: before you find one that suits your personality and can satisfy your needs, you may take time and make numerous attempts.
Step 3. Join a support group for couples in crisis
You may realize that you are not the only one and, consequently, learn to look at your problems from different points of view thanks to contact with other couples who live in a similar situation. Look for a support group near you or ask your doctor or psychotherapist for advice.
