It is common for frustrations and insecurities to arise during a relationship. If your girlfriend is talking to someone you don't like or trust, you may think it's a good idea to urge her not to talk to him again. Beyond simple jealousy, make sure you adequately justify your request. Talk to her calmly and respectfully to prevent the situation from escalating. Be willing to compromise. He is likely not responding well to your invitation.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Starting the Conversation
Step 1. Explain your state of mind by expressing yourself in the first person
Since the situation is delicate, by speaking in the first person, you can ease the tension as you clarify your point of view. Start with "I think / I feel …" to explain what you are feeling. Then, indicate the behavior and the reason that generates a certain mood in you.
- Don't assault her by saying, "Seeing you flirt with your ex hurts me and makes me insecure." You risk being hostile towards him.
- Rather, calmly rephrase this thought by expressing yourself in the first person, such as, "I feel uncomfortable when you are sweet and affectionate with your ex. I get the impression that you still have feelings for each other."
Step 2. Get straight to the point
After explaining your point of view, openly state what you want. Remember that there is no guarantee that they will get the message. You may want to ask her to moderate her contacts or limit interactions rather than not talking to him at all.
Try saying, "I would feel more comfortable if you didn't talk too often or if you contained your expressions of affection, especially in my presence."
Step 3. Give her a chance to speak
Asking your girlfriend to change the way she relates to someone is a very sensitive issue. You have to give her the opportunity to express her thoughts because, after all, it is up to her to decide. Once you have stated your position, let her respond without interrupting her.
- Show her that you are listening to her by looking into her eyes and nodding sporadically;
- You could also rephrase what he says to make sure you understand, like, "So, you think your relationship is still important because you were already friends before you dated. Is that what you mean?"
Step 4. Stay calm
Screaming, accusations, insulting, and being hostile will not help you. Sure you'll have a hard time staying calm during the confrontation, but breathe deeply. Remember that your goal is to make your relationship better, not to start a fight.
Step 5. Focus on the moment
You need to discuss a situation that has recently occurred, not events or problems that have happened in the past, so don't bring them up, or your girlfriend will feel judged and tend to get defensive.
Step 6. Be willing to compromise
She is unlikely to bend to your will because what you ask of her costs her the huge sacrifice of ending a friendship with someone. Therefore, you must be willing to compromise. Find a solution that allows you to meet your respective needs.
For example, if you accept that she remains friends with her ex, she may try to set more boundaries and be less affectionate with him. It's a win-win situation for both of us
Part 2 of 3: Deciding If and How to Advance Your Request
Step 1. Make sure you are correct
If you're worried about your girlfriend talking to a guy because you have suspicions, you need to tell them. However, if you're just plain jealous, it's not a good idea to ask her to get away from this person. It can be counterproductive.
- If it's jealousy, look at the situation with clarity. Will your girlfriend agree not to talk to a guy simply because you're insecure? Probably not.
- Ask yourself if your uncertainties are about the other person or if they indicate a more serious problem. For example, they could be a reaction to your girlfriend's busy schedule.
- If your worries are due to a feeling of jealousy, you should explain the reason and propose solutions to overcome it together.
Step 2. Put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes
Empathy is the key to managing the most difficult conversations correctly. Before talking to your significant other, sit down and empathize with their situation by trying to imagine their point of view.
- For example, even if you feel bad about the idea that you often talk to your ex and seem to flirt with him, maybe he doesn't see things the same way.
- Ask yourself how they view the situation. Is she generally affectionate with anyone, be it a man or a woman? In this case, it is his way of interacting with others and, therefore, he will probably find nothing strange in relating to the person who is bothering you.
Step 3. Write down your thoughts
Get a pen and paper. Write down everything that is going through your head in relation to what is happening to you. So, read it and think about how you might put it into words. Since you will likely have a hard time explaining yourself during a thorny conversation, try to get a clearer idea of what you mean.
You don't have to write everything down word for word. In these cases, it is important to be flexible. However, it can be useful to have a general idea of the main points to focus on
Step 4. Put your expectations aside
If you start a conversation full of expectations, you risk falling into the trap of frustration or anger if things turn out differently. You can't predict the future or know how your girlfriend will react. By moderating your expectations, you will be able to approach the discussion with the right predisposition and you will be ready to listen and accept his answers.
Part 3 of 3: Overcoming Your Jealousy
Step 1. Acknowledge your feelings
If you suffer from unmotivated jealousy, it's your problem, not your girlfriend's. If he respects you and doesn't cheat on you, it's up to you to handle it. Admit that you are wary and don't blame external factors.
Step 2. Remember your qualities
Jealousy often stems from low self-esteem. When you have suspicions about your girlfriend's behavior, remember all your strengths. List your best qualities to feel better about yourself.
You may also remember why your girlfriend wants to be with you. Does he always tell you that he loves your sense of humor or your kindness? Keep this in mind so you can keep jealousy in check
Step 3. Assess your distrust
Often jealous people are continually insecure or have had experiences that fuel this side of their character. Did you find it difficult to receive and show affection for those who raised you? Have you been cheated on or did this scenario take shape in the relationship between your parents?
If there are any major issues that increase your jealousy, consult a therapist to resolve them
Step 4. Manage your emotions in a healthier way
Pretending that your girlfriend avoids relating to someone is not the best way to deal with your jealousy. In this case, find a more suitable solution to control your emotions.
- When negative thoughts begin to lose their way, focus on the present using the techniques of full awareness. Get in touch with your sensory perceptions and notice the way you breathe.
- Try other techniques to reduce stress. Write a journal, exercise, or watch a movie to distract yourself.
Step 5. Cultivate other interests outside of your relationship
It is normal for you to be obsessed with your girlfriend's behavior if your story is the only thing you have to offer yourself. Therefore, he begins to heal relationships with friends and family. Engage in a hobby or go to an association. That way you won't get stuck on his male friendships anymore.
