How To Get Your Boyfriend Not To Break Up

2024 Author: Samantha Chapman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 09:13

When you feel that the person you love wants to break up with you, it's very easy to panic. But if you can keep your feelings from winning over reason, it is possible to save, or even reinvigorate, a relationship worth pursuing.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Address the Issue

Step 1. Accept that there will be changes, and that the relationship cannot go on as before

This allows both of your positions to be considered by both sides, and you too will need to acknowledge that you have a problem. In a way, you will be on the same wavelength as believing that a change is needed, and working together to save your relationship.

Step 2. Try to understand, by being honest with yourself, why he has concerns about your relationship

Often, when one of the partners in a relationship is considering ending the relationship, it is a sign that they have needs that are not being met. What would he like to get out of your relationship, which he doesn't feel he currently has?

• Ask him to explain what he needs and listen to what he has to say. Avoid getting defensive, and try to figure out what's going through his head.

• Ask him to give you specific examples for which he feels his needs have been overlooked. Think about any arguments you may have had recently, and try to figure out which of those needs of his are associated with those circumstances.

  • Do you think he wants you to be more explicit in showing him that you appreciate his efforts?
  • Maybe he thinks you're not trying as hard as he is in the relationship?
  • Has the daily grind become too much for him to bear?
  • Did your expectations of the relationship fall short?
  • Are the values of each of you about the family and the relationship in conflict with each other?

  

  Step 3. Look for concrete ways for at least some of his needs to be met

  Let him know that you are willing to compromise and discuss specific issues with him rather than questioning the entire relationship.

  • Instead of trying to find a solution on your own, try discussing it with him to see how you can go about avoiding a permanent breakup.

  • Suggest what changes you are willing to make to help him get what he needs. This depends on your particular situation, but we can give examples of the most common conflicts in couples.

    • You could try to rearrange your schedule and habits in order to have more time to devote to it.
    • Find fun activities that you can share that help him feel fulfilled.
    • Avoid insisting that he participate in social activities that he would gladly do without.
    • Find a way to compromise when you disagree about movies to see, concerts to listen to, and other cultural activities.
    • Agree to give him time to devote to himself, his interests, family, and friends.

    Part 2 of 3: Communicate Together

    

    Step 1. Remember that your purpose is not to prove that you are right

    The goal is to find common ground, to be able to work together and resolve the conflicts you have. Each of you is entitled to your own opinions, but the relationship ultimately depends on finding a dynamic that suits both of you.

    

    Step 2. Express yourself clearly

    Remember that even if you feel your way of seeing things is more valid than hers, it is often the words you use that really matter. Do not seek a confrontation or do not accuse him, or your boyfriend may think that you are trying to argue with him, especially if he is already upset.

    

    Step 3. Be patient

    It is very likely that you will not be able to solve all your problems in one session. Take some time to be able to examine your state of mind.

    • Be courteous to each other. Don't talk to him and don't interrupt him. Even if you feel like you have something urgent to say, it's more important that he feels you are listening to him.
    • Be aware of their emotional state. Give him some time to calm him down. He might be angry and possibly confused. Use a reassuring tone of voice and try to be patient.

    

    Step 4. Stay on his side

    Stop looking for a culprit, and focus on finding a solution. There's no point in appeasing your self-centeredness by blaming your boyfriend for the situation that has arisen when he threatens to break up with you. If you want to stay with him, you must let him know that you are willing to accept him as he is.

    • Be careful when you bring up the past. Aristotle argued that the main purpose of the past tense is to figure out who to blame. Be impartial in remembering past events.
    • Don't blame him for the things he can't change. Constantly blaming him for things that are beyond his control, you will make him feel like he is unable to satisfy you.
    • Do not criticize it for the way it is made. Nobody wants to be around people who don't like their character. If you really have to criticize him, emphasize that you are criticizing his behavior and not him.

    • Learn the difference between expressing your feelings and trying to find a culprit at any cost. You both have to respect each other, but starting a sentence with the words "I feel …" does not mean having carte blanche to say anything, without expecting consequences.

      • When you start a sentence with the words "I feel …", make sure that the rest of the sentence really refers to an emotion such as "happy", "frustrated" or "confused".
      • Be aware that it is very common to use "I feel that …" to disguise an accusation. "I feel you are wrong" does not describe your state of mind.

      

      Step 5. Avoid using tactics to manipulate it

      Nobody would try to do it consciously, but sometimes during a heated discussion, logic leaves the space it finds, and it is easy to find yourself resorting to childish tactics to try to deceive the other person and make him do what you want.

      • Be mindful of the moments when you try to manipulate it without realizing it. The best way to do this is to remember that in trying to manipulate a person, you try to limit their choices. Read a book on couples therapy for more examples. These are just some of the most common:

        • Insulting: "Only an idiot would think that …"
        • Stonewalling: ignoring a person to try to punish them.
        • Threats: "Go ahead and go away, but the dog won't see him again!"
        • Trying to pity the other: "How can you think of leaving me after all I've been through?"
      • Instead, tell them the benefits of staying with you. Emphasize that you love him, not that "he won't be able to find better". Manipulative behavior will not solve any real relationship problems you have and will ultimately only create resentment.

      Part 3 of 3: Find the Right Way

      

      Step 1. Don't hide your feelings from yourself

      As infants, we could die if we were abandoned, and therefore, if we think that someone is leaving us alone, we react emotionally by feeling a lot of fear. These emotional reactions can persist into adulthood and, if not properly addressed, can complicate relationships.

      • Remember, no matter how painful a breakup is, you can survive. Even if you don't want to break up with him, try to remember this fact. It will help you find the strength to make the necessary changes and express your feelings without feeling desperate, and without acting childishly.
      • If he needs to think, give him the space he needs. Tell him you want him to stay, but respect his decision. By behaving like this, you will show that you are not desperate or obsessive about him, and that you respect his feelings.
      • Try to be strong. This doesn't mean that you don't have to admit that you've made a mistake, or that you can't show yourself vulnerable. Just remember that whatever happens, you must never stop believing in yourself.

      

      Step 2. Find the strength to behave in a mature way

      You will want to panic, cry and make a scene, but it will only make things worse. Take a minute to calm down if you feel like you are about to say something you might regret.

      • Think of an activity that you do with confidence, even if it is just household chores like doing laundry, and remember how confident you feel when you do it.
      • If you feel really angry or upset, try counting backwards from ten and take some deep breaths.

      

      Step 3. You must believe that it is worthwhile for him to stay with you and act accordingly

      Remember that you have a lot to offer, and you can prove it to both yourself and him by behaving in a mature way. Being understanding, kind, strong, and loving is more effective than telling him why he should be with you. Remind him why he fell in love with you in the first place.

      Warnings

      • Don't try to save the relationship just because you are too afraid to face your feelings about the breakup. Wanting to avoid pain and the unknown is not the same as being in love, even if it is sometimes hard to admit.
      • Stay true to your needs. Don't make huge concessions and don't agree to do things that you feel are wrong just to please him. If you and your boyfriend have different characters and values, it may not be worth moving on with the relationship.
      • Don't give up on true love because you are too afraid to go looking for it. You may be unhappy for a while after a breakup, but you may find that there are people out there who love you more than you ever could have imagined.