We must give ourselves space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give ourselves spaces to give and receive beautiful things such as ideas, points of view, dignity, joy, care and integration. ~ Max de Pree
Paradoxically, relationships that seem perfect in which the couple does everything together are at risk of failure. Human nature leads us to feel imprisoned by the permanent sense of being glued together and depending on each other to feel satisfied every day. To be whole, it is important for all of us to feel autonomous and attached. To avoid this "benign" trap that leads to being too dependent on one person, it is important to recognize excessive attachment, to be honest and to help each other with practical and positive solutions that will give you the space to grow individually in the relationship..
Steps
Step 1. Recognize the warning signs
Do you do everything together? Are you together in your free time doing things that you no longer know who actually suggested them? Or maybe there are some negative feelings like possessiveness, suffocation or jealousy? Do you experience a feeling of suffocation in your relationship or do you feel weird and unable when you have to do something without your partner?
Step 2. Make sure you are not in a relationship where you are addicted
Codependent relationships aren't much fun. In fact, they are too intense, based on perfectionism and seriousness. There is a sense of manipulation and a tremendous need for each other that arises from past problems such as childhood emotional trauma, fear of losing a partner or not having a purpose in life by replacing them with a person. Basically, people in a codependent relationship have a hard time "being alone" and therefore try to complement each other. If you think this is the problem, you can ask for social assistance, as without the neutral help of a third person the relationship would continue this way. Part of rehabilitating a codependent relationship is learning to have fun and play together and alone.
Step 3. Talk about it
Make some cookies and a cup of tea. Sit down together in a quiet place and tell your partner that you need an honest and positive conversation. Say it in a calm, friendly tone. Start by saying how much you love him and how grateful you are to him for being present in your life. After that, continue honestly by saying that you believe that for a lasting and healthy relationship you both need to grow together but also individually. In other words, you are saying that the happiness of both of you requires some space in your lives so that it can enhance your love even more. Some ways to help you:
- Avoid giving blame, never say "you this, you that" and always speak using "I" expressing your positive goals, not talking about the things that are wrong between you. Learn non-violent communication.
- Make sure you go back to being the person you once were when your partner fell in love with you; to move away from him a little to go back to being yourself.
- Show him how expanding your horizons as individuals would help the relationship and make it flourish when you share new things. It uses the psychotherapist Wendy Allen's metaphor of advancing together with two different canoes instead of being in the same canoe; so that the space between the two of you will ensure your personal integrity which serves to reinforce the sense of oneness.
- Try to define what "space" means to you. This is to alleviate fear and resentment if your partner truly understands what you mean when you talk to them about space. Understanding what kind of space you need will make things smoother by creating less friction. For you, space must be (among many things):
- Free time
- Pauses to reflect
- Work space
- Emotional space
- Financial Space Learn to have a good financial approach in your relationship.
- Organize evenings without your partner;
- Invite friends, go to the basement together, play ping-pong, watch TV or whatever, while the other partner cleans up or is in another part of the house (you could be contributing to wikiHow all night!);
- Trust your partner if he goes for a weekend fishing or vacationing in Las Vegas with friends; to reward yourself, spend a weekend at a health club or playing golf so you don't get discouraged while you're away.
- Sitting apart at parties.
- Talking to people at parties while not holding each other arm-in-arm. Give you the "good luck" kiss before joining a party and then occasionally give you loving glances during the evening but taking advantage of the company. Fill each other up after the night with all the gossip from the people you have heard! And there is nothing more exciting than seeing people's surprised gaze as they realize how solid and yet open your relationship is!
- Going on vacation together but doing different things. Go skiing while your partner is snowboarding. Go swimming while he is surfing. You are close but at the same time you give yourself space. Get together to eat and other activities to do together. Or do some activities apart, but only doing one among the others together, such as hiking. You get the idea.
- If there are children, take turns taking care of them, giving you spaces. Make sure these breaks are wireless attached. Just time to have fun alone; you have to understand that you both need to do it.
- After making this choice, accept the situation without becoming too demanding or complaining about your partner's private time. If it bothers you, think about it in advance; you can't have a drunk wife and your cake. You must refrain from suspecting your partner's activities; it is a trust-based exercise. Remember Richard Bach's saying: If you love someone, set them free. If it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't come back it was never yours.
- This must be a friendly and thoughtful discussion; don't just talk about your needs, your suppressed anxiety or being too serious about imposing your ideas, which would ultimately only serve as an ultimatum. These negative approaches only serve to increase fears of rejection and to use self-defense tactics in the conversation, which will do no good.
- When things go well according to your plan, don't let your partner notice - no one wants to be judged. If your partner confesses to you that they are happy, agree that the relationship is healthier and more stable. Don't dwell on it though, as the secret of relationships is to keep them positive, with mutual understanding. Keeping relationships under microscopic control can be a pathology.
- Don't completely cut off friends, instead meet with those who have similar interests to yours. By regularly spending time away from your partner, you will begin to appreciate the time you spend with them. These will serve to make the relationship healthier.
- If your partner doesn't understand you or is showing anxiety, don't say "it was just a thought" and shut it down. Discuss why he is anxious and gently show him why things need to change to ensure a stronger relationship. If you give up, it will be impossible to change things because both of you will not be able to go deep into the problems to solve them.
- Doing sports or exercise is a great way to fill up your free time. Exercise is great for relieving stress and anger, which could make your relationship healthier in the long run.
Step 4. Explain to your spouse that other people must be a part of your life as well
Anne Hollonds, a relationship consultant, argues that it is a fatal mistake to assume that being a couple satisfies all needs completely. Tell your partner that you both need to see the friends you miss in order to have a new stimulus. In many cases, your friends and your partner's are not in common; okay, it's just about going out and enjoying friendships by trusting each other. When it comes to the same friends, it is easier; don't tell him about opposite-sex friends right away until you've both spent time with same-sex friends. For now, the ways you can help yourself grow by spending time with others are:
Step 5. Ask to be a soul mate and not a cell soul
You will have to work on your internal fears that may arise, such as rejection, insecurity, fear of loss, resentment and distrust - reassure your partner by telling him that you are in love with him and that you are aiming for the evolution of the relationship, reinforcing it and taking it further. And you will both have to "work" together to reach compromises that work for both of you.
Step 6. Take the time to pursue your interests
Make a deal with your partner saying it's time for both of you to have some personal space to pursue their interests and hobbies. A good goal would be to regularly gradually increase the time spent away, but this is up to you as an individual, as the compromises depend on the couple. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy!
Step 7. Remove the couple mold
This means doing things separately but sharing the activities in the relationship. It might be troubling at first, but it will serve to make you feel free and prove to yourself that there is nothing to worry about in independence, just room for more admiration and more love. Some of the tips for acting independently in a relationship are:
Step 8. Reassure your partner
Tell him that the spaces and components of a couple are recurring needs in all relationships. Healthy relationships are ready to give themselves space - whether it's a distant or close relationship. Reassure your partner that if there is something wrong, you will be ready to talk about it by listening to each other and exposing the problems. Also say that it is not a question of having a permanent space; it is "room to grow" as you will continue to share your life together anyway. Of course, during times of illness, stress, or other hardship, the relationship needs changes so that it is strong enough to move forward together.
