Maintaining good eye contact is harder than you might imagine, but we can all improve a little and develop good communication skills during important relationships. If you want to be a better listener and speaker, and want to look more convincing, you can practice learning how to look people in the eye in conversation so you can make the right impression.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Practice Conversations
Step 1. Try to relax as much as possible
As with all things, the more you think about what you are doing, the more aware you are of it and the more awkward and uncomfortable you feel. Your nervousness can be interpreted as dishonesty and you risk losing ground in the positive progress you have made.
- Generally, the more authoritarian and intimidating your interlocutor is, the harder it is to maintain eye contact. Unfortunately, these are also often times when you need to show the utmost respect and excellent listening skills, so it's even more crucial to relax.
- If you are going to a conference or have an important interview, do some breathing exercises first, in order to regain your normal heart rate and slow your heart rate, improving oxygenation and consequently relaxing. A few large, full deep breaths can go a long way in calming you down.
Step 2. Focus on one eye
It is actually quite physically difficult to keep your gaze fixed on both eyes of another person. It is more common to focus on one or one point on the face, rather than trying to look at both eyes at the same time.
If it helps, try shifting your gaze from one eye to the other rather than focusing on just one. Focus on one for about 10 seconds and then move on to the other
Step 3. Find a nearby spot to stare at
If you look at the bridge of the nose, an eyebrow or just below the eyes you will give the illusion of looking the interlocutor in the eye without showing an intimidating air that could be created with actual eye contact. The other person will not be able to tell the difference and you will be able to focus on the more important aspects of the conversation, such as listening skills to be a good conversationalist.
Step 4. Occasionally look away, nod, or give feedback when listening
It is necessary to look away from time to time, also to help you make other gestures, rather than looking away because you feel uncomfortable. It is good to break eye contact when you are laughing or when you nod and smile. This is a natural behavior that puts both of you at ease while also giving you a way to take a break.
Step 5. Try to keep your eyes focused as you speak and listen
It is important to watch while you are listening, but it is much more difficult to maintain eye contact if you are also trying to think about what to say. Don't worry if you have to look away from time to time, but try to keep your face and gaze facing the other person as you speak.
Sometimes it is believed that looking up is a sign of a lie, while looking down can indicate confusion or uncertainty. For this reason, it's usually best to look straight ahead, even if you feel uncomfortable and can't maintain contact. Look at the ear, chin or wherever you want but not up or down
Part 2 of 3: Practice at home
Step 1. Practice reminding yourself to maintain eye contact in conversations
One of the most important aspects is to remember to look people in the eye. If your natural inclination is to look down towards your feet, try to practice when you are alone, so that it becomes natural and spontaneous to look at the interlocutor's face. You can train in front of the television, in the mirror, or in a variety of other ways.
Step 2. Practice in front of the television
It's one of the easiest ways to get used to looking people in the eye. Focus on the eyes of the characters on the screen and practice trying to keep the same gaze even during conversations in real life.
Obviously, eye contact with faces on television is very different from eye contact with real people. The exercise in this case consists in practicing to develop the skill, not the empathy that can exist with a person in the flesh
Step 3. Try watching online videos
If you don't have a TV, search YouTube and try to make eye contact with the screen characters. This can help you make eye contact that much more real. You can easily find tons of free videos online that are a good approximation of what eye contact is during a conversation.
Step 4. Try a video chat
If you have a friend you like to talk to, connect via Skype or use another type of video chat to practice eye contact. This is generally a little easier than live, since there is a computer screen separating you from the interlocutor.
Step 5. Practice looking at your own eyes reflected in the mirror
Again, of course, it can't be the same as making eye contact with another person, but you can practice focusing your gaze on the eyes you see in front of you, instead of diverting it elsewhere. A few minutes before or after a shower each day are enough to train you to look your interlocutor in the face in conversations.
Step 6. Learn to fake eye contact if you have extreme difficulties or perhaps an ailment that makes it impossible
For autistic people, those with anxiety, for example, could be a truly terrible experience. Don't sacrifice the chance to have a pleasant conversation.
- Point your eyes to an area near your interlocutor's eyes - the nose, mouth or chin;
- If they notice that you don't look them in the eye (very unlikely), just say it's difficult for you and that you can listen more carefully to what they say if you don't have to worry about eye contact.
Step 7. Don't rush
During conversations, you don't have to go from an almost fearful attitude to a sudden piercing gaze like a laser beam. In fact, this can be somewhat disconcerting. You may already be maintaining some degree of eye contact, but if it's an area you're still striving to improve on, take it slow.
If you notice every day that you are making an extra effort to fix your eyes on the other person during a conversation, you can consider it a success. It is not necessary to engage in exaggeratedly long discussions by always keeping your eyes on the other person's eyes to understand that you are making progress
Part 3 of 3: Making the Right Impression
Step 1. Practice active listening in other ways as well
During the conversation, if you focus fully on what the person is saying, you can also worry less about maintaining proper eye contact. Nodding, repeating important parts of the conversation, using body language, and expressing other feedback that demonstrates active listening are just as important - if not more so - than good eye contact. For this purpose it is important that:
- Assume a forward-projected posture when seated;
- Long nod;
- You listen carefully and repeat important information;
- Rework what is said;
- Don't just wait your turn to speak;
- Respond precisely to what is being said.
Step 2. Find the right balance
When listening, you should look the other person in the eye for about 80% of the time and during the remaining 20% you should take short pauses and nod a little while moving your head to let them know that you are listening. Be calm and don't think too much, to make everything happen as naturally as possible.
Avoid staring excessively. Eye contact is fine, but looking as if you want to electrocute the person can also be creepy. Stay relaxed and don't have a fixed gaze. Just think that you would like to have a pleasant conversation with this person and there will be no need to be anxious or worried
Step 3. Show a magnetic gaze
Try not to look away immediately when something catches your attention. If someone else calls you, don't look away right away, it could lead the person to think that they find the conversation boring. Instead, try to hesitate a little before turning your attention to the source of distraction.
It is a good idea to look at the person who called you momentarily and then quickly return to your interlocutor. Remember, though, that if it's an outage due to important issues, such as sudden danger or overriding, you need to be alert immediately
Step 4. Smile with your eyes
Relax your eyebrows, otherwise your gaze may appear suspicious or intimidating, even if you are making an effort to remember to look the other person in the eye. Try to keep your eyes open as much as possible, avoiding twisting them, as this could lead the other person to think you don't like what they are saying, or frown, as you may be communicating anger.
Stand in front of a mirror and watch your eyes as you smile, frown or grimace. Can you notice the difference in the expression of the eyes? Practice showing a smiling look, even if you aren't necessarily cheerful
Step 5. Always maintain eye contact during job interviews
Eye contact and active listening are particularly important when you are doing a job interview, but also whenever you want to communicate attention and respect to the interlocutor. Potential employers may think you are hiding something or are unsure of yourself if you have a hard time looking the interviewer in the eye, and you may be jeopardizing your chances of being hired.
Step 6. Maintain eye contact during romantic dates
Looking the other person in the eye shows interest and respect, both of which are important if you want to build a good relationship. When you are with someone you care about, try to maintain good eye contact as much as possible. The eyes, you know, are the window to the soul.
Making eye contact is also a great way to establish your partner's interest, even if you don't have to jump to conclusions. If you notice that your partner is having trouble looking you in the eye, it could mean that they can't wait to get home, but it could also be a sign of nervousness, perhaps like you
Step 7. Look the interlocutor in the eye when you want to affirm a thesis
If you are arguing or engaging in a rather heated debate, it may be tempting to look away. However, this could mean a lack of trust, or wanting to push away the person you are conversing with, and both are things you should avoid. If you have any kind of disagreement, eye contact demonstrates confidence and helps you communicate confidence that what you say is true.
If someone is trying to intimidate you, they probably want you to look elsewhere. You make his attempt in vain by staring into his eyes. Stay focused on eye contact
Advice
- You can practice imagining the person's face while talking on the phone or chatting online.
- If you can't make eye contact because you're bored, wait for a break in the conversation and then change the subject.
- Short but frequent eye contact is less likely to seem offensive.
- You can always use a polite excuse to get out of the conversation: "Gee, I didn't realize the time gone by; sorry but I have to go because I have another commitment. It was really nice talking to you!"
- Imagine that you are the other person who is already confident in handling eye contact. Imagine how important it is for you to be sure that your interlocutor also reciprocates the same behavior.
Warnings
- If you think you are looking at the eyebrows or nose, be careful not to wander to other points on the face, otherwise the interlocutor may think that you are staring at his pimples, blemishes, moles and so on.
- Just look the other person in the eye, don't stare too hard, as this could lead them to believe that you are a weird subject or even a stalker! And remember to show self-confidence!
