Emotional abuse takes many forms, from humiliating jokes to degrading comments and is not always easy to recognize. Here's how to recognize the signs, and remove abusive emotional behaviors from your relationship.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Recognizing the Abuse
Step 1. Look for common forms of emotional abuse
Not all abuses have the same scope, or are the same. In any case, here are some groups of behavior that usually constitute emotional abuse, including:
- Humiliation, disconfirmation and criticism: if you constantly feel devalued, judged or repeated that you are too sensitive.
- Domination, control and shame: they treat you like a child, and you feel the need to ask for "permission" even for simple activities.
- Denial and unreasonable requests: the other person does not accept blame or does not apologize, always denies or embellishes the facts.
- Isolation and abandonment: You are subject to the "silent treatment" and are denied affection and attention as a punishment.
- Co-dependence: your boundaries are constantly violated, and the other person relies on you as their only emotional support.
Step 2. Pay attention to the disconfirmation:
disconfirmation is the slow process that comes to make you question your own sanity or reality. It is a very subtle form of emotional abuse, but it can have dire consequences. You may have suffered disconfirmations if:
- You always doubt yourself.
- Always apologize, even for insignificant things or without doing anything wrong.
- You know something is really wrong, but you can't deal with it.
- You struggle to make simple decisions.
- You wonder if you are too sensitive.
Step 3. Familiarize yourself with the characteristics of a healthy relationship
It can be difficult to recognize abuse if you don't know what a positive relationship is like. If you feel that you are missing out on many things, there is the possibility that you are emotionally abused:
- Goodwill and emotional support
- The right to have your own feelings and opinions, even if different from those of the other person.
- Encouragement of your interests and successes.
- Lack of physical or emotional threats, including outbursts of anger
- Respectful language that does not include humiliating nicknames or insults.
Method 2 of 2: Coping with Emotional Abuse
Step 1. Raise the issue in a calm environment
Throwing the accusation of emotional abuse in the midst of a heated discussion - even if your protest is legitimate - is the prelude to disaster. Instead, consider these less controversial alternatives:
- Ask the other person for a quiet confrontation. Instead of using the term "emotional abuse" tell her that you think there may be things both of you can do to improve your relationship. Focus the conversation on yourself, saying "I feel like a kid when I have to ask permission to go out" instead of using accusations that begin with "You".
- Write a letter. If you know that a quiet discussion is out of the question, write. The advantage of this method is that you will be confident in what you say and will do it as constructively as possible. Make some drafts, avoiding accusatory phrases that would ignite the anger of the other person. For example, instead of saying "I hate when you make fun of me", try "I feel vilified and humiliated."
Step 2. Get help
Having a trusted friend or relative evaluate the situation can help you be objective and have confirmation of your feelings. Plus, if the diseased relationship ends, it will be good to have someone you can rely on as you get out of it.
- Don't choose a mutual friend. Someone who feels connected to the other person in the sick relationship is not a good choice for this role. Try to confide in someone you know well but have no ties to the abuser.
- Avoid falling into despair. It is legitimate to let off steam with a friend when you are having a bad time, but not to turn it into the only outlet in your relationship. Otherwise, this person will think that you use it only to complain, and you will have another toxic relationship on your hands. When you feel like you've crossed the line between letting off steam and feeling sorry for yourself, focus on something lighter.
Step 3. See a doctor
If the situation has escalated to the point that you cannot deal with it on your own, contact a doctor. Find a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse, and make an appointment as soon as possible.
- If money is an issue, look for a service provided by the national health system. Or, if you are a student, contact the university secretariat for information.
- Whether or not you want to save the relationship, it's important to see a professional. If the abuser doesn't want to participate, then you can focus on healing your wounds and moving on.
- If you feel in danger, immediately leave the place where there are those who abuse you. Go stay with a friend or relative, or contact the local shelter.
Step 4. Break the chain
As you move on with your life, don't repeat the behaviors that existed in the sick relationship.
- Be careful not to be abused by someone else. If you find yourself falling into the same victim mindset, stop.
- Don't imitate someone who abuses you. You may feel the need to take it out on others and dominate them to no longer feel like a victim, but don't do it.
Advice
- If you can't go to the authorities because the abuser is a cop, a politician, or someone with some power, plan your escape carefully. Put some money away before you leave, keeping it hidden, and then run away as far as possible, even to another country. Choose your new state carefully so that you have the best laws to handle separation and divorce with the related division of assets. If possible, move in with supportive friends or relatives so that you are not alone and hire a good lawyer.
- If you cannot leave the abuser for family reasons - for example, children adore the parent even if they are worthless as a partner - remember that you are doing what you can to keep the family together, you are sacrificing yourself and you are a good person; do not despair. Seek help from support centers, or from a therapist. Even if you have moral or personal reasons for staying married, such as being a Catholic or not wanting to take away their mother or father from your children, you can temporarily separate and insist on therapy. It helps.
- If the abuse becomes physical, don't be ashamed to collect evidence. You can keep digital information safe by encrypting it. Contact the authorities when you feel safe and try to get a warning. Physical abuse is never acceptable behavior in a relationship.
