The beauty of criticism is that, while it can hurt, it is actually necessary if we want to improve at something. Accepting and reformulating them in more constructive terms is a real skill. Even if you don't appreciate receiving them, it would be wise for you to learn how to do it. In this way, you can not only improve your interpersonal relationships, but also grow and overcome problems.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Managing Your Feelings
Step 1. Stay calm
It's natural to get defensive when criticized, but getting excited and emotional is useless. Keep in mind that we all make mistakes when we have to learn something new, so criticism is inevitable. However, if we view them constructively, we can learn an important lesson. So, try to stay calm even if your interlocutor seems nervous to you. Don't let your emotional state affect you, otherwise you will seem unable to handle the situation and will be less likely to treasure what you are telling yourself.
- Breath deeply. When criticized, keep calm by focusing on your breathing. Try counting in your mind to 5 as you inhale, then hold the air to 5 and finally exhale slowly.
- Try to smile. Even a small smile can make you feel better and entice the other person to relax a little.
Step 2. Give yourself time to calm down
Before answering and even before thinking about the judgments you have received, take a moment to calm down. Spend twenty minutes or so on an enjoyable activity. For example, you could listen to your favorite music, read a book, or go for a walk. By calming yourself down after harsh criticism, you will be able to view it constructively rather than reacting impulsively.
Step 3. Use your discernment skills
If you want to accept criticism in a healthy way, you need to learn to separate it from everything that characterizes you as a person. Don't see them as a personal attack and don't generalize. Take them for what they are, without emphasizing them or extending them to other aspects of your personality.
For example, if someone criticizes a picture you have painted, it does not mean that you are a poor artist. Probably, that particular work has some flaws or maybe you don't like it, but remember that you can always be a great artist
Step 4. Consider the rationale behind a criticism
Sometimes, people judge just to hurt, not to help. Before deciding how to behave in the face of other people's judgments, take some time to reflect. Ask yourself a few questions to understand why you are being moved.
- Was the comment about something you are able to control? Otherwise, why do you think it was outsourced?
- Is the opinion of the person who criticized you really important? Why or why not?
- Are you in competition with your interlocutor? If so, could your criticism be a reflection of this situation?
- Do you feel mortified? If so, have you sought help in solving this problem? If you feel like you're being harassed at school or at work, talk to someone who can help you, such as a teacher or HR manager.
Step 5. Talk to someone about it
Whether the criticism is focused on your performance or just to mortify you, you need to trust what happened and how you felt. Wait until you are able to move away from your interlocutor, then talk to a friend or family member you trust. Tell him what happened and the feelings you felt. As you let off steam, you will also be able to better understand the nature of the criticism you have received.
Step 6. Get your focus back
Once you have calmed down and have a clearer idea of the judgments that have been placed on you, try to channel your attention to your best sides. If you think too much about what you need to improve, you may start to feel depressed and helpless. Rather, try to list all the strengths that come to your mind to rebuild your self-esteem.
For example, you might write that you are a good cook, a funny person, or an avid reader. List all of your abilities that come to you and reread them to remind you of what you can do
Part 2 of 3: Responding to Criticism
Step 1. Listen
When someone criticizes you, listen carefully. Make eye contact and nod your head from time to time to show that you are following her speech. It's not easy, but it's in your best interest. If you don't pay attention, you risk answering the wrong way, fostering further criticism.
You should still listen to the interlocutor even if he expresses unnecessary advice or criticism. If her disapproval comes in writing, you can "listen" to her at your own pace
Step 2. Reword what you have been told
Once the interlocutor has finished speaking, try to present his criticism in your own words in order to clarify the fundamental aspects of the speech. Basically, you have to avoid the risk of further criticism due to possible misunderstandings. Don't repeat word for word what you have been told; just summarize it.
- For example, imagine that you were reprimanded for filing some documents the wrong way and causing problems for your colleagues. You could rephrase this criticism by saying, "If I understand correctly, you think I have to be more careful when putting documents in their place so that other colleagues are able to do their jobs effectively, right?".
- If in doubt, ask the other person to explain or repeat what is not clear to you. For example, ask him: "I want to make sure I understand correctly so that I can find a remedy. Can you explain to me what you mean by a different way?".
Step 3. Respond when ready
Sometimes, you may receive criticism that is too harsh or complicated to respond to on the spot. If you can, before replying, wait until you have regained your composure, gathered your energy and thought enough. In some circumstances it is necessary to respond immediately, while in others it is better to wait. Take the time you need to think about the most appropriate answer so that the comparison is more fruitful.
For example, you might say, "I appreciate your comment. Let me take another look at these documents and I'll see what I can do. Can I send you a message tomorrow morning to get your advice on some changes?"
Step 4. Apologize for any mistakes if necessary
If the criticism started because you made a mistake or because someone suffered the consequences, you must immediately apologize for what happened. It is a gesture that goes beyond what you have been told, so do not think that by apologizing, you will be forced to change or accept the criticism you have been targeted.
In most cases, all you have to say is, "I'm sorry. I didn't expect this to happen. That wasn't what I wanted. I see what I can do to make it not happen again."
Step 5. Recognize when others are right
Once you're ready to respond to criticism, start recognizing where it's right. In this way, you will go to meet your interlocutor and let him know that you have every intention of thinking about what he said to you.
- You can simply say, "You're right". Then go ahead. You don't have to go into all the details about why he's right. Simply admitting that you agree with his point of view will allow him to understand that you have listened to him.
- Sure, he could be wrong across the board. In this case, you may want to identify an almost valid passage in his speech (for example "I have not been able to manage this aspect well") or simply thank him for offering his opinion and leave things as they are.
Step 6. Explain how you intend to change something
Try to explain to your interlocutor how you plan to apply his advice or address the issue that is the subject of his criticism. This way, he will feel reassured that you intend to take care of the problem. To take a criticism in this way, to give it full recognition and to respond appropriately is a test of maturity. When you face a problem and go out of your way to fix it, people tend to be much more forgiving of you.
You might say, "Next time, before I talk to the client, I'll come over to make sure there is a common agreement on the answer to give."
Step 7. Ask for advice
Unless your interlocutor has already suggested a better way to deal with the problem, ask him how he would handle things for you. If he has already offered you any suggestions, you can always ask him for further explanations. Advice helps you to improve, but it also encourages those who offer it to feel more valued.
Just introduce your questions with "what" instead of "why". This way, you will get more helpful advice, while asking "why" could make the situation worse and put the other person on the defensive. For example, ask, "What do you think I should do next time?" Avoid: "Why are you telling me this?"
Step 8. Communicate the need to proceed slowly
If you are unable to make an immediate change, ask the other party for some patience. Changes, especially major ones, can be slow. By explaining that you need time, you can shake off some stress and clarify the intentions between you and the other person. When you ask for time to make an improvement, you communicate to those in front of you that you are taking their criticisms seriously.
Part 3 of 3: Using Criticism to Improve
Step 1. Think of it as an opportunity
The healthiest way to handle criticism is to see it as a chance to take a step back, evaluate your behaviors, and devise a way to improve. Criticism is a good thing and can help you make it to the top. When you interpret them this way, accepting them will suddenly become easier. Not only will you welcome them, but you may also find yourself in the situation of going looking for them.
Even if they're wrong, they can still help you recognize areas where you should improve. Perhaps the mere fact of suspecting a problem in your work could actually indicate that the problem exists even if it has not been clearly pointed out by the critic
Step 2. Distinguish useful tips from useless ones
It is important to understand which criticisms are worth hearing. In general, you should ignore the complainer without offering an idea of how you should change. Also, you shouldn't worry about judgments about aspects that you can't change. Some people show their disapproval just to feel better, so beware of this kind of situation. Do not respond if there is unnecessary criticism. Recognizing and fighting them will only serve to give importance to who moved them.
- If no positive advice comes from a criticism, keep in mind that it is not a constructive opinion. For example, if you hear a statement like, "It was awful, the colors are jumbled and the presentation is messy," ask how you can improve. However, if the interlocutor continues to give you negative and useless advice, give up and take with skepticism everything he tells you in the future.
- The best criticisms are those in which the negatives are accompanied by the positives, and the person offers recommendations on how to improve. For example: "I am not very convinced by all this red you used, but I like that hint of blue on the mountains". This is a constructive judgment and, therefore, it would be a good idea to consider it. You will probably follow his advice next time.
Step 3. Think and take note
Evaluate the advice given to you. Have you been told to change something? Try to consider various approaches by which to achieve the same results. By doing so, you will have several alternatives and you can choose the best one. You should also ponder whether there is anything else to treasure from the criticism you have received.
In fact, it would be a good idea to take note of the advice, word for word, immediately after receiving it. In this way, your memory will not alter what you have heard and you will not find yourself considering only the most pungent part of the speech omitting the most constructive one
Step 4. Come up with a plan
Once you have highlighted the most important aspects of the advice they gave you, you will need to draw up a plan for how you will go about making the necessary changes. By developing a path, especially in writing, you will be able to follow the steps that outline the change more easily. You will also be more likely to implement it.
- What are the individual goals that will allow you to realize this change? Write them down one by one so you can get to work on reaching them.
- Make sure your goals are measurable and under your control. For example, if you have been criticized for a paper you wrote as part of a university course, a measurable goal under your control could be "to start writing the next text as soon as it is assigned" or "to get an opinion from the teacher. before the date of delivery ". You should NOT set the goal of "writing brilliantly" or "getting the highest grade on the next thesis", because you will have more difficulty checking and measuring the progress of your work.
Step 5. Never give up on the idea of improving
Be persistent when trying to apply the advice contained in the criticisms you receive. Often a judgment takes you in a completely different direction than what you normally follow or think is right. This means that you will have to work hard to improve. Be prepared to face obstacles when trying to change your behaviors.
