It is not always easy to accept criticism, especially when it comes from your partner, or from the person we love and respect. In order to accept honest criticism from your partner, don't think it is aimed at demoralizing you, but consider it as a way to improve your relationship. Therefore, avoid lowering your defenses, listen seriously to the criticism you receive, and try to look at the situation from his perspective.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Lowering the Defenses
Step 1. Remember that this is not a game where one wins and the other loses
Nobody likes to be criticized. It is very difficult to accept that you have failed to meet your partner's expectations - you can feel accused, misunderstood or unfairly attacked. However, first think about why the other person is talking to you.
- Keep in mind that a relationship doesn't have to be a power struggle. If you get honest criticism, it doesn't mean you're "losing".
- Also think that a criticism is not a zero-sum game. The point is to establish a relationship based on give and take so that the relationship can be solidified.
Step 2. Don't interrupt
You will never be able to accept honest criticism from the person next to you if you don't begin to let your defenses down, listen to them, and put yourself in their shoes. First of all, give her the opportunity to express herself. Don't interrupt her to deny, disprove, or reject what she thinks, or you will only prove to be defensive.
- Try this trick: When you're tempted to step in, count to ten. It is very likely that, when you finish counting, the moment will have passed and that what you meant does not matter anymore. It goes up to twenty or thirty if the need to interrupt the other person is stronger.
- Stop on purpose and apologize if you interrupt it. Look at the situation with some detachment, express your regret if you were rude, and give your partner the opportunity to summarize what he was saying.
Step 3. Try to demolish the other defense tactics
Each of us has a whole arsenal of defensive tactics that we use to ignore or evade criticism. Learn what yours are, how you use them, and how you can get rid of them. Once you have achieved this awareness, you will be able to listen and establish a more open dialogue when you receive honest criticism.
- Do you tend to calm the situation or even deny it, say for example, "Sure, honey, whatever you want" or "No, I didn't do anything like that"? Do you shy away from criticism or obstruct: "Well, that's how I am. Get used to it"? None of these tactics allow you to have an honest confrontation between your point of view and that of your partner.
- Some defensive tactics are more subtle and rely on manipulation. They can undermine the sense of the discussion: "Why are you making it a state affair?", But also generate feelings of guilt, for example: "Why are you so numb? What I feel doesn't count?". Others shift the responsibility to the person who made a criticism: "If I were kinder, maybe I wouldn't behave this way."
- Note any other tactics you might use, such as making excuses or nullifying the criticism you receive: "I didn't mean to piss you off. You took it the wrong way."
Step 4. Pay attention to non-verbal communication
An effective way to express your mood is to communicate through non-verbal signals, that is, through body language. Pay attention to the way you approach your partner, not just your words: gestures, tone of voice, facial expression, eye contact, and the distance that physically separates you from the other person.
- Look your partner in the eye. If you look away, you will appear aloof, disinterested, or embarrassed.
- Avoid crossing your arms or turning your face. You will give the impression that you are closing in or being on the defensive.
- Pay attention to your facial expressions and try to maintain a certain neutrality. A raised eyebrow or pursed lips may indicate that you are judging him or that you disagree.
- Use a normal, steady and confidential tone of voice. If you raise your voice, you will give the impression that you are upset and deliberately exacerbating the confrontation.
Step 5. Ask if it is possible to postpone the conversation
You may find that you are unable to lower your defenses and be impartial with your partner. If you are quite upset, try saying goodbye and ask if you can resume the discussion at another time. After all, neither of you will reap much benefit if both of you are on the defensive.
- Apologize politely, saying, for example, "I'm really sorry, Marco. I want to continue talking about it, but right now I don't feel able. Can we resume the conversation in an hour or two?"
- Emphasize the importance of what you are saying: "I know it's important and you want to talk about it, but I don't have the spirit right now to go on. If that's okay with you, can we continue later?"
- Don't forget to resume the conversation once you have calmed down and let your partner know that you are willing to continue the unfinished conversation.
- Postponing a conversation doesn't mean avoiding it. However, if it becomes a habit, it can be a defensive tactic: "Are you going to reopen that question again? I'm too busy to talk about it now."
Part 2 of 3: Listen to the criticism
Step 1. Don't make it personal
Yes, it is very difficult. How can you avoid taking your partner's criticism personally, especially when it comes to you and your behavior? Think of it this way: He is not criticizing you for attacking or belittling you, but he is speaking to you truthfully and with the intention of improving your relationship. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
- Try to understand why you feel personally attacked. Is it because you feel your partner is being unfair or exaggerating? Maybe you feel insecure or embarrassed?
- Also try to think about why it might raise certain criticisms. He's definitely not trying to put you in a bad light or in trouble, but he just intends to establish a dialogue with you. When they are honest, criticism helps to communicate, love and grow.
Step 2. Hold your tongue and listen
There may be times when, when you are criticized, you would like to respond and explain laconically. Try to maintain self-control. Listen and, as mentioned, don't interrupt. By intervening every two seconds with "but … but", you will only seem uninterested and attentive to what your partner is saying to you.
- Keep your mouth shut if you feel like saying "but …". If necessary, try to gently bite your tongue or lower lip.
- If you can't help but say something, ask questions that lead you to rework what your partner is saying, like, "I just want to make things clear. Do you think I'm not helping you around the house?" or "If I understand correctly, do you think we spend too much time with my parents?".
Step 3. Ask for concrete examples
If, instead of getting nervous, you ask a few questions, you will be able to understand the situation and reflect better on the criticisms made by your partner. Ask him to be more specific, give some examples and investigate the problem. That way, you will be able to hear his criticism and show interest in his way of seeing things.
- Try to tell him: "Alessio, exactly, what makes you believe that I am emotionally distant?" or "Can you give me an example of when you got the impression that I was selfish?".
- Don't forget that you need questions to understand your partner's criticism. Do not use them to arbitrarily alter the meaning of his speech or be argumentative. This is also a defensive tactic that you should try to demolish.
Step 4. Resist the urge to fight back
To accept criticism from your partner, you need to be open and honest. You will not go anywhere if, as a first reaction, you attack him and, in turn, give him more criticism. This too is a defensive tactic that only risks escalating the situation and increasing frustration.
- Don't give in to the temptation to attack your partner, saying, for example, "Do you think I'm not helping out around the house? I've never seen you cleaning the garage and garden!" or "We can't reason with you. You too do so many things that annoy me!".
- Don't shy away from criticism by looking for a justification or considering a given situation normal. For example: "I don't see what the problem is. My friend Carlo goes to drink every night".
Part 3 of 3: Put yourself in your partner's shoes
Step 1. Listen to his words
In order to accept honest criticism from your partner, you need to frame the situation from his or her point of view. In other words, you have to put yourself in his shoes and try to see and perceive things from his perspective, even if only partially. Therefore, try to use active listening techniques.
- First of all, focus your attention on his speech. You don't have to say or do anything. Just listen and give him a chance to talk.
- Listening means nothing more than keeping your mouth shut for a while and, therefore, avoiding intervening in an attempt to say how you feel. Instead, use verbal and non-verbal communication to show your attention by nodding, acknowledging the most important passages or saying "mhm", "yes" and "sure".
Step 2. Refrain from any form of judgment
In order to develop empathy, you need to temporarily put aside your point of view to try to get closer to that of the interlocutor and let go of your view of the situation and all the opinions that it entails. It is certainly not an easy feat. However, this way you will be able to focus on what your partner is feeling and recognize when honest criticism is being made.
- Refraining from any form of judgment does not mean blindly accepting the other person's vision. You have every right to disagree with her, but at the same time you have to put aside your point of view, your opinions and your reactions.
- To put yourself in your partner's shoes, you also need to emphasize the importance of their reasoning. Don't ignore his criticisms by insisting on how wrong or irrelevant they are, saying, "Well, it's nothing serious" or "Come on, get it over with!".
- Keep in mind that the ultimate meaning of listening is not always to offer a solution. When your partner criticizes you in an honest way, surely there will be a solution to the problem he is bringing to your attention, but at this juncture the key thing is to listen to what he says.
Step 3. Reword your speech
By repeating what he said to you in your own words, you will be able to better understand his criticisms. First, be respectful. Then reiterate his concept by rephrasing the most important passages to make sure you understand correctly.
- Let's assume that he gives you a valid opinion during your discussion. Try repeating it with other words. For example: "Okay, from your words I think I understand that you think I'm a bit selfish, right?" or "I think I understand that my emotional distance is causing you frustration."
- You can also ask a few questions to broaden the discussion. For example, you might say, "What do you find so frustrating about my relationship with my mother?" This way, you will both be able to communicate better.
Step 4. Don't belittle your partner's speech
Finally, make it clear to him that you have listened to him. Let's assume that you have followed and understood his criticisms and are willing to think seriously. Even if you disagree, support the importance of his reasoning. This way, you will leave the door open for future clarification.
- For example, you might say, "I don't necessarily agree, Tania, but I respect your point of view" or "Thank you for being honest with me, John. I'll take into consideration what you said."
- Try to summarize his point of view, adding your own, in order to arrive at the same conclusion. For example: "So, if I understand correctly, when I don't put any more toilet paper in the bathroom, you think I'm lazy and taking advantage of it. For me it's just something I neglect to do and I don't understand its importance. In summary, is this the case? ".
- Once there is agreement and clarity on your respective positions, find a concrete solution to adopt. For example: "Okay, I understand that my behavior makes you think I'm lazy. How about I put a reminder in the bathroom to remind me to take another roll when the previous one runs out?"
