Dealing with a control freak is never easy or enjoyable, whether it's your domineering best friend, a fussy, meticulous boss, or an older sister who wants everything done her way. However, there are situations in which you cannot avoid confronting these individuals and you need to understand how to deal with their behavior without going crazy. When dealing with a control freak, you need to stay calm, understand the reasons for their attitude, and avoid them when you can. If you want to know more, read on.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Understanding the Need for Control
Step 1. Understand what makes an individual a control freak
People who are afflicted with this personality disorder need to control the outcome of situations and often people too. They themselves feel out of control and try to win him back through domination over others. They are afraid of failure, especially their own, and are unable to understand the consequences when something goes wrong. At the basis of all this there is a deep fear or anxiety about one's own limits (often never explored) and the fear of not being respected, as well as distrust in the ability of others to complete tasks.
- A control freak is convinced that no one can do a job better than him. In an age where we are constantly being told what to do without fully explaining why (think of all the rules, excuses and warnings we are subjected to every day), this individual fills that gap and stands as the only authority figure, no matter what. whether or not he has the skills to do it (and unfortunately often does not).
- The typical traits of a despotic and disturbed person are a lack of trust in others, a sense of superiority (arrogance) and a love of power. Sometimes she may even be convinced that she deserves things that other people don't deserve and that she doesn't have to respect or take time for others.
Step 2. Determine if you need professional help
Sometimes this is simply a very bossy person, but in some cases the need for control outweighs what is just an unpleasant aspect of character. A control freak could suffer from a personality disorder (such as narcissistic or antisocial) generated by an experience lived during childhood or adolescence and which he was not able to completely resolve. If this individual is truly suffering from a personality disorder, the best thing to do is to refer them to someone who can help them professionally.
- If you suspect this is the case you are facing, then the exact disorder must be diagnosed by a psychotherapist / psychiatrist. However, know that it is quite difficult to get someone who loves to have everything under control to accept care. Ultimately it is a question of making the individual aware of his despotic tendencies and he must want to remedy them. Most people who suffer from these ailments prefer to blame others for their problems.
- Also, you are not always in a position to be able to suggest medical treatment to these individuals. For example, it could be your boss or an older member of your family and you would not have the authority to recommend psychiatric counseling.
Step 3. Understand how a control freak affects the lives of those around him
A domineering person is like a perennial unshakable parent. He could say phrases like: "Do it now!", "I'm in charge, do what I tell you" or "Keep doing it", without using forms of courtesy and polite manners. If you always feel like a child around this person, then know that it is very likely that they are trying to control you or the situation. He may ignore your skills, experience and rights, preferring to show off his skills. Despotic and authoritarian characters believe that they have the right to command others and to be the boss because only in this way are they comfortable with themselves.
You can understand that you are dealing with a control freak even in those situations where the person has effective authority over you (such as a teacher, your supervisor at work or a police officer). His manners and the way in which he administers power reveal it. If he is dismissive, uses an arrogant tone, poses in a dictatorial way, then he could be a disturbed person who prefers to control rather than ask, negotiate and respect. Powerful people are good leaders or managers only if they respect those under their leadership. This includes being a good example, giving suggestions, trusting and delegating responsibilities
Step 4. Remember that even "nice" people can be control freaks
This type of individuals is "nagging", their technique is to insist with phrases like: "If you don't do this, then it will be a big problem"; she might tell you politely, expecting gratitude from the fact that she constantly reminds you. He may pose as a reasonable and logical person who tries to make you understand that your behavior is extremely unreasonable. If you realize that you have made decisions "only for your own good", without you being able to do anything and you understand that this person also expects you to be happy and grateful for all this, then know that you are under the clutches of a "benevolent dictator".
Many of these people are unable to feel empathy and often do not realize (or do not care) the impact that their authoritative words / actions have on others. This attitude could be the result of insecurity (masked by superiority and authority) and unhappiness. It could also be a sign of pure arrogance
Step 5. Understand that your worth is not affected by this person
You must always remember that you are equal to the control freak, even if his behavior wants you to believe otherwise. It is a fundamental step for your psychological well-being. This person, especially if they are a family member, can really undermine your self-esteem. No matter how bad it may make you feel, always remind yourself that its disturbed nature is its problem and not yours. If you let it manipulate your mind, then you allow it to win.
Remember that between the two, the rational person is you and only you can have reasonable expectations about what the other can and cannot do. Don't allow his irrational desires to make you feel inadequate in any way
Part 2 of 4: Dealing with the Person in a Constructive Way
Step 1. Affirm yourself
It's not easy if you're not used to it, but it's a skill you can develop and the bully person you have to relate to is a great "target" to practice on. It is important for the control freak to be aware that you do not tolerate their behavior; the more you wait and the more you ignore the question, the more your attitude will become an established order to the point that it will believe you agree.
- Address the subject in private and explain your point of view. Don't make it a public matter.
- Keep the conversation going about her behavior bothering you; do not insult him by calling him despotic or authoritarian. For example, if you have the impression that you keep asking yourself to do tasks without taking into account your skills, then you might say, "I have worked in this field for five years and I am able to carry out my duties. When. you ask me to show you the results for you to review, you make me feel incapable and diminish my skills. You make me feel like my work has no value. Basically I feel that you don't trust me, that you believe that I am not well trained and that you don't respect me. I want you to turn to me and treat me with respect."
Step 2. Stay calm
It is essential to behave calmly and patiently in front of a disturbed individual, even if inside you want to scream. Showing anger doesn't work. It is also very useful to keep your distance from your interlocutor when it is clear that he is tired, stressed or unwell. If you make the situation worse, the control freak will behave even worse. Take a deep breath and avoid aggressive language, keep your tone calm and even.
- If you give the impression of being angry or nervous, then he will understand that he can maneuver you and you will only feed his behavior.
- Being angry or annoyed makes you weak in the eyes of the domineering person and they will understand that they can control you even more easily. Don't give her this advantage or you'll become her favorite victim.
Step 3. Avoid this person as much as you can
Sometimes, the best thing to do is not to deal with his behavior at all. While talking to the control freak about his attitude and the feelings it arouses in you can be a way to help him understand the consequences of his behavior and develop a plan to cooperate peacefully, you may sometimes feel as though it is. the only way out is to leave. Obviously it depends on the individual you are facing, but remember some factors:
- If it's a family member, just try to avoid it. Sometimes it seems like there's no way to please a control freak, this person criticizes everyone and everything and it's hard not to take it personally. It could make you go on a rampage and hurt your feelings. The worst thing you can do is fight, but it would be a waste of time and you wouldn't solve anything. Remember that a despotic individual acts like this as a mechanism to deal with his inner problems and not because you are the problem.
- If a romantic relationship is turning into an abusive relationship due to the control freak, then you need to walk away and leave it. Tell him you need a break, end the relationship, and go on with your life. People who use manipulative tactics, violence, or abusive behavior will not improve until they undergo long-term therapy.
- If you are a teenager, then try to be condescending and keep yourself busy outside the home as much as possible. Play sports or study for good grades. Let the person know that you would like to spend time with them or chat, but are busy studying, training, volunteering, and so on. Find a good excuse. Eventually you leave the house and find some really nice people who make you feel good. Set yourself important but realistic goals and try to achieve them.
Step 4. Check the anxiety levels of the disturbed individual
He is unable to cope with moments of stress and anxiety, which is why he tyrannizes people. He is convinced that no one knows how to do a job as well as he does. He has come to this point because he has demanded too much of himself and is now attacking his neighbor. Pay attention to mood changes and move on tiptoe. If you have noticed that his stress levels are rising, then you know his behavior will get worse.
To quell a crisis of bullying you can try to help the subject by lowering the level of anxiety, do it when you notice that he is losing control of himself and that he is falling into a negative spiral. For example, you realize that when your boyfriend is stressed out he tends to be domineering. One day when he is showing particular signs of anxiety about presenting a job, try to cheer him up by telling him that you know he is tired and worried and reassure him about the quality of his work. Don't overdo it and be aware that he may still have some bursts of despotism, but this behavior of yours reduces some of his anxiety
Step 5. Look for the positives
It might seem impossible, but it's a useful way to regain control of the situation, especially when you have no choice but to handle the disturbed person every day. You might think: "My boss is really domineering and demanding but, on the other hand, he is courteous to customers and brings a lot of work. He is very good at certain tasks as long as we can keep him away from certain situations." Find ways to handle the negative as you try to get your homework done.
Being able to see the positives takes a lot of creativity, but in the end you may realize that the domineering person has realized that you now know how to handle them, that you appreciate their qualities and maybe they may even stop seeing you as a threat (in their view dominated by 'anxiety)
Step 6. Praise the subject when he deserves it
Be careful when showing displays of trust. If the despotic person shows you a little respect and trust and allows you to entrust you with some responsibility, then praise him. Showing that you recognize her positive behaviors will make her feel good and she may want to do it again.
For example, you might say something like, "Thank you for trusting me in this project." This will make the individual feel good and could help him want to relive the experience
Step 7. Know that your voice may not be heard
If you are a volcano of ideas, a creative person or a person who proposes solutions, working with a control freak is very frustrating. You may have the impression that your every opinion, idea or warning about the consequences is openly ignored or belittled. Then, suddenly, your idea or solution is presented as "his" result, even weeks or months later. Somehow, your words are filtered to his conscious side, but you won't be given any credit. When dealing with a control freak, these episodes are all too frequent. Here's how to deal with them:
- Recognize what happened for what it is. Sometimes it is better to propose an idea or a solution rather than letting the situation deteriorate. In this case, smile and bear for the good of the company, group or association. Try to be supportive and not make it personal.
- Call the person and ask for clarification on the matter. This is risky behavior, which you need to evaluate based on the context, group dynamics and person. If it is very important to you to clarify the matter, then you should stick to the facts: "Oh, this is the proposal we discussed in May 2012 and I still have a draft in my archive. My idea is that our team should be involved. in this project and I'm pretty sure we've all noticed it. I'm a little disappointed that we care when it's in the testing phase, but since we're at this point, it's worth contributing."
- Keep very detailed notes. If you really need to prove that you had the idea first, then keep track of any evidence you can present in your defense when the time comes.
- Stop suggesting new projects in the workplace if your inputs are constantly being ignored and "stolen". Just go along with the despot's ideas, to be at peace, and try to stop him from worrying about you. Perhaps you will have to constantly reassure him to confirm that "he is the boss" and that you are up to your job. If possible, start looking for another occupation.
Part 3 of 4: Check Your Trends
Step 1. Assess your role in this authoritarian situation
Sometimes you can be the object of despotism or nagging attitudes because of your action. This is not an excuse to allow others to behave in a manipulative and authoritarian manner. Instead, you have to put events in perspective and realize that, at times, you may have exasperated someone! Be honest with your self-assessment if you want to get to the heart of the problem. Here are some things to consider:
- Did you do something (or didn't you do something) that caused this controlling attitude? For example, if you don't meet deadlines regularly and never clean your room, you shouldn't be surprised if someone responsible for paying your salary or for your education becomes a bit bullying towards you.
- Authoritarian people often aggravate their domineering behavior in the face of what they perceive as useless. In particular, they tend to be passive-aggressive, just like a bull reacting to a red coat, when they realize that you are acting sneaky. This situation worsens their tendency to control because it makes them feel frustrated. It is better to be open about expressing your discontent and affirming your personality rather than trying to undermine the bully person.
Step 2. Evaluate your inclination to be domineering
Nobody is a saint when it comes to authoritarian attitudes, each of us has a tendency to crown ourselves "kings" in certain circumstances and moments in life. This could happen when you know a subject in detail, because you occupy a position of power or just because you are subjected to a moment of anxiety and stress and try to pour it on others; there are always times in life when we are all a bit of a control freak. Try to remember these moments to try to better understand the person you are facing and perhaps to understand the reasons for their behavior.
When you feel that you are about to become authoritarian, try to compensate for your attitude with greater sensitivity towards others, try to take into account the reactions of the people around you. By doing this, you learn a lot about managing emotions
Step 3. Learn to deal honestly with your strengths and weaknesses
You can do this by discussing (privately) with a third person not involved in the matter. Choose someone you trust, who knows how to handle despotic individuals and who knows quite well what you are experiencing, so that they will be able to give you a precise opinion. Nobody is completely good or bad; we all have weaknesses and qualities. When we know the truth about ourselves (more or less beautiful it may be) we will no longer be victims of the moral blackmail and tactics of control freaks.
Understanding how to get out of it, whether it's in a romantic relationship or a business relationship, will give you a more complete picture of just how reasonable a despotic person's expectations are. If you have someone who supports you, you will see that it is not you who are paranoid but that it is the other individual who is disturbed
Part 4 of 4: Getting Out of the Situation
Step 1. Realize that your life is important
There is always another job you can do and there are other people you can have a healthy relationship with. If the situation becomes intolerable, don't torture yourself and find a way to leave. Nobody should have the power to "control" your existence. It's about your life, don't forget that. Even if you think you will never be able to find another job, if you are in an unhealthy environment, then it is best to leave to safeguard your mental health.
If you are a teenager and have to wait until you are old enough before leaving your parents' home, then find a job as a volunteer, a sporting activity, a chore or other occupation that will allow you not to stay too long at home. Ask your parents, if they can afford it, to pay for your university and then enroll in a university far from home, preferably in another region. If they have any objections to this, let them know that that university is the only one that offers the faculty you are interested in (try to find something realistic and reasonable)
Step 2. Choose to forgive
Control freaks are plagued by fears and insecurities that always leave them unhappy and unsatisfied. They always demand perfection from themselves, which is difficult and impossible to achieve. The inability to understand failure as a natural part of the cycle of life prevents them from fully growing as healthy humans and undermines their emotionality; it is a truly sad condition. Whatever the situation you find yourself in, you can leave it behind and find happiness, while these disturbed individuals, unless they want to change their way of thinking and acting, will never find peace.
Finding happiness doesn't always mean leaving. You can find a hobby that you can spend a lot of time on or immerse yourself in religion and spend little time with the control freak. Remember that their opinion shouldn't reduce your self-esteem. Just focus on yourself and remember that you are not responsible for having to change this individual
Step 3. Begin to rebuild trust in yourself
Surely she was harmed by the control freak. Try to be kind to yourself, if you have suffered the oppression of a domineering person, you may have convinced yourself that you are worth little; this is a tactic to keep you from walking away. Control freaks like to make people feel insecure, don't fall for this trick! Distance yourself slowly, believe in your worth!
- It may take a long time to rebuild trust in you, you will need to surround yourself with people who make you feel good and who don't need to control you.
- Do things that make you feel capable and satisfied. Chances are that your time with the control freak has crept into you the doubt that you are unable to do anything. Take some time to do some work you know you can do, whether it's a yoga class or writing your annual report.
Step 4. Decide what to do next
Develop a plan, consider if you want to keep that job (or continue the romantic relationship) or if you prefer to leave; if you choose the first option, set time limits so you don't lose control of the situation. If you live with a control freak, try to solve the problem strategically and carefully. Don't spark discussions; share your feelings with him in a calm and effective way. You don't have to stay under his control, remember that you have the right to do whatever you want.
Unfortunately, sometimes, the only possible solution is to leave, especially if your attempts to impose your freedom and face the situation have not yielded results
Advice
- He may use his emotions to control you, for example he may have panic attacks that would bring you back under his control the moment you try to understand how he is.
- If possible, try to avoid a relationship or work with a control freak. You can understand that he is a disturbed person if he insists that everything be done his way, continually finds fault with others, is unable to relax and let someone else take charge of a project. He needs to manage your every action in a personal relationship. He can be unhealthy jealous and possessive for no reason.
- When you go out together, be sure to pay attention to the signs. Jealousy and guilt can be a way to control people. Control freaks are highly skilled manipulators. Keep your eyes and ears open! Look for any sign.
- It is more important for a control freak to be right about a subject than the relationship he has with you. If it's your boss, try to approve of his ideas on the little things even if you disagree. Either way, don't compromise yourself by breaking the law or hurting anyone. Remain steadfast in your positions and values.
- Be wary if in your relationship your partner wants to do everything for you, like driving or shopping for you, etc.. Test it by saying you have other plans for the weekend. If she doesn't stop calling you and tries to invade your space, you're dealing with a potential control freak. Be forewarned: you are getting yourself in big trouble.
- He may tell you that he cares about you and that his behavior is dictated only by the desire to show you this feeling. This may make you feel comfortable with his attitudes and you may be wondering if you have not misunderstood everything (and so are under his control).
- Keep in mind that a control freak may have had bad experiences in the past that drove him to this attitude. Try to sympathize with him, by doing this you will be calmer even in his presence and you will not feel frustrated. Even if his behavior is unacceptable, know that it is the only way he has to feel better about himself or to manage stress. All this, however, does not mean that you have to be condescending and tolerant, but simply aware of the underlying motivations; then find a way to manage the person while protecting your safety.
- If you are a teenager and a parent is a control freak, then you need to find a way to explain to him that his behavior hurts you. Maybe it's just his way of 'protecting' you from bad decisions, but he must understand that you have the right to live your life and that you should be in control of your existence.
- It may imply that you are paranoid and therefore you are the problem. This could cause you serious doubts: but you are not really the problem. It's a well thought out tactic just to get you off your guard.
Warnings
- Don't assume that a control freak is an unmanageable person, especially at work and in social settings. He is undoubtedly a violent individual; there are situations that bind you intimately to other people and that you cannot solve without a clean break but, on the whole, try to get along with all kinds of people. Minimizing contact is a far wiser solution than creating even more tension. Put the behavior of a control freak into perspective while at the same time trying to manage any loopholes you feel you have regarding creating and respecting boundaries with other people. For example, you might learn to be more purposeful and communicate clearly.
- Record any possible threats that are directed at you if your partner does not allow you to leave him. Go to the police and request a restraining order if possible. Make this person aware of this ordinance and store the police number on your mobile phone so that you can contact them quickly. Ask your neighbors to keep an eye on you. If you are really scared, move to a new city or find shelter if you are in danger and have no friends who can stay with you. If you have friends or family to be with, then it would be wise to make sure they are able to protect you and themselves. Seek the help of someone who makes you feel safe, someone who knows how to deal with the maniac and, even better, someone with whom your persecutor does not want to confront (that is, someone over whom he cannot control).
- Control freaks are really tough and sometimes dangerous if rejected in a love affair. If you are aware that you are dealing with a partner with fragile feelings or who tends to go into a rage, be very careful when deciding to end the relationship. If possible, give him a reason for him to break up with you, such as spending too much money, avoiding conversations, or any behavior that makes him understand that you are difficult to control. That way she'll think she made the decision to end the relationship and feel good. If, on the other hand, you are unable to implement this technique, try to leave it while also guaranteeing your safety, for example by phone or in the presence of some of your friends ready to intervene. It helps to show that you have a supportive group of people and family members on your side before this person even thinks of threatening you.
