It is not easy to deal with a person who tends to control everything, because he can manipulate you and make you feel isolated from the rest of the world. Fortunately, there are various ways that allow you to relate to this type of personality. In the moment, try to stay calm and avoid reacting. Afterward, set clear boundaries to preserve your well-being. Learn to manage emotions. You should take care of yourself to prevent a controlling person from running out of all your energy.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Handling a Difficult Confrontation
Step 1. Avoid reacting
Control freaks often try to stimulate a reaction. They may not even accept a criticism or an objection. Reacting with anger or aggression is counterproductive. Instead of giving back tit for tat, try to stay calm.
- For example, if you live with your boyfriend, who always scolds you for not hanging the towel in the exact spot he has indicated after a shower, then you need to be more assertive and deal with the problem. Try not to lose your temper.
- Try saying, "I know you want towels to hang a certain way. However, I prefer to do it differently because _. I'm willing to put them there if we change _ or I hang them where I want and leave room for yours."
- However, you may want to keep your position if you try to change a previously set limit. For example: "Last week we decided that _, remember?".
Step 2. Try to put yourself in his shoes
While you should never justify wrongdoing, it can sometimes be helpful to at least understand what it depends on. Sometimes, those with a controlling personality may suffer from emotional problems. By taking this into account, you will be able to get an idea of how to react to his attempts to rule everything. Immediately try to understand what is driving the other person to assert their control.
- For example, you live with your girlfriend who tends to control your every move. He sees you left plastic bags in the kitchen for a few minutes while you were answering the phone. He says to you: "Why did you answer before putting them in order?".
- In this case, clutter is certainly not the real problem. Very often it is much more rooted. For example, they may have had an authoritarian parent, suffer from anxiety, or come from a family background that has given importance to certain aspects of certain behaviors.
- Try asking her why she is so careful about the order in which you do things in order to better understand the problem and then provide any information that may be needed. Chances are he hasn't noticed something you take for granted.
- For example, you might say, "Is there a particular reason why you wanted me to sort the envelopes before answering the phone?"
- Alternatively: "I know you hate the plastic bags lying around. The phone rang and I took the call. I'll put them away now that I'm done."
Step 3. Don't argue
Control freaks often get excited about power struggles. They just want to drag others into discussions that definitely lead nowhere. They feel the need to win. In order not to give this satisfaction, avoid playing tug of war with them.
- You can also simply refuse to argue. For example, if your partner starts arguing with you, try saying, "I think we need to talk about it, but I prefer to do it when we're both a little quieter. Can we resume the conversation tomorrow night?"
- In the long run you will have to deal with the problems that lurk in the relationship and set boundaries.
Step 4. Keep calm as best you can
The last thing you should do with an authoritarian person is to lose your temper or get nervous. Those with this personality love to provoke others in an attempt to break them down to get what they want. So, try to keep your emotionality at bay. A disproportionate reaction will only incite him.
- Try to breathe deeply when interacting with such a person. For example, while she's talking to you, ignore her and think about something that calms your nerves, like a deserted beach.
- If you can't help but react, try to be diplomatic so you can buy some time. For example, you might say, "I'm not sure. Let me think."
Part 2 of 3: Establish Net Limits
Step 1. Remember your rights
In any context, you keep your rights. Don't let anyone step on them when you interact with others. Control freaks manage to get inside your head making you forget that, as a human being, you enjoy fundamental and inviolable rights. Remember that you deserve to be treated with dignity.
- Everyone has the right to be treated with respect, freely express their opinions, say "no" without feeling guilty and think differently.
- If you have been dealing with an authoritarian subject for a long time, you may forget your fundamental rights. Keep these in mind before interacting with someone and when setting boundaries.
- For example, if your boyfriend is a control freak, he might care about being with him instead of going out with your girlfriends. If you don't want to stay home and watch a movie one night, it will make you feel guilty. When you are ready to establish the rules governing your relationships, think, "I have the right to say" no "without feeling defective."
Step 2. Remember that you are the master of your own destiny
The first step in setting boundaries in your relationship is to take back control of your life. While you can't control the behaviors of others, you can manage your reactions on the other. You can choose how to establish rules.
- You can be content to smile and use this approach with someone who tries to crush you with their dominance. You can also avoid it altogether or, for example, decide not to go to family reunions if you have a father who tends to control everything.
- Break the vicious circle. Think, "I decide if a person can impose a behavior on me. I refuse to be a victim." Choose to affirm your independence and demand respect.
Step 3. Clearly set your limits
Who has an authoritarian temperament always tries to go beyond the limits of the people around him and is pleased when he realizes that he has overcome them. Then, let the person who exerts some control over your life know what your personal limitations are. Make it clear what behaviors you are able to tolerate.
- Recognize the limit of your endurance. Certain behaviors are insignificant, such as dictating how to put dirty dishes in the sink or storing clothes, and you may accept them as a result. However, on others it is more difficult to turn a blind eye.
- Ask yourself how rational the other person's attitudes are. For example, it definitely doesn't cost you anything to put your phone away when you go out with your boyfriend. However, if he expects you to turn it off and keep it in your bag even when you are alone in his home, let him know that you find this rule unreasonable.
Step 4. Explain your limitations frankly
You need to be very specific when establishing rules to govern relationships with a controlling person. Also try writing them down on a piece of paper and showing it to them. Express yourself as clearly as possible. Let her know in no uncertain terms what you are able to tolerate in the future.
- Control freaks are difficult by nature. They do everything they can to ignore or misinterpret your intentions. Therefore, when setting your limits, you need to be as direct as possible.
- For example, if you have a boyfriend who tries to manipulate you, you might want to set your limits by telling him, "I don't mean to turn off the phone every time we are together, especially if you expect him to spend most of his evenings at your house. turn it off when we go out or watch a movie, but not systematically when we see each other. The rule you imposed on me ceases at this moment."
Step 5. Be assertive when necessary
Control freaks are reluctant to accept limits immediately. Remember that they tend to upset the peace of mind of others to get what they want. If necessary, you will need to reiterate the limits you have set. Be clear and assertive if they get past them.
- Assertiveness does not mean aggression. It means to respectfully communicate to someone when they have crossed a line. Keep a cool head and impose yourself when a problem arises.
- For example, you are lying on the sofa quietly watching television with your boyfriend when you reply to a friend's message. Your boyfriend gets nervous and starts saying, "This is really rude. Stay here with me."
- Don't answer indignantly. For example, if you say, "Stop it. I'm trying to talk," you will only escalate the situation. Instead, stay calm and respond respectfully, saying, "We talked about it the other day. You don't need my full attention right now, so let me send this message and I'll be back to watching television when I'm done."
Part 3 of 3: Managing Your Emotions
Step 1. Have realistic expectations
Control freaks don't change easily and sometimes not at all. Even after setting limits, you may find yourself in constant power struggles. Therefore, try to keep your expectations in perspective. You will probably always have problems with these kinds of people, so don't expect a radical change on their part.
You cannot change others. A person who loves control doesn't change if they don't want to, even if you go out of your way to manage their behavior. When interacting with her, remember that you will likely need to reiterate your limitations and ignore her objections
Step 2. Keep in mind that this is not a personal matter
Manipulative personalities usually have difficulty relating to others. It could be an insecurity that manifests itself with the need to control. When you are a victim of this behavior, remember that it is not about you personally. You are certainly not doing anything wrong, but the other person feels the need to rule everything.
- If you know why he is trying to control you, try not to lose sight of him when you argue. That way, you'll be able to remember that it's not up to you.
- For example, you might think, "I know my father is very strict about my career choices, but his was doing the same. He doesn't trust me when I have to make a decision on my own, but I'm not to blame for this behavior."
Step 3. Take care of yourself
This is especially important if you are forced to interact regularly with an authoritarian person. For example, if you live with someone who always has to keep everything under control, remember that you need to take care of yourself. When you meet their needs, you risk neglecting yours.
- You have every right to put your needs before hers. So, take the time to work out, eat right, indulge in your hobbies, and engage in whatever makes you happy.
- Try to accommodate your personal needs, even if you are forced to face his disapproval. For example, suppose you need to wake up early in the morning to go to work and therefore need to sleep through the night. Your boyfriend expects you to sleep with him, but he stays up late. Go to bed when you want and, if it causes you problems, ignore it thinking that you have to get up early the next day.
Step 4. Limit reports
Sometimes, the easiest way to relate to a control freak is to distance yourself. Therefore, avoid it if your dating has become unsustainable. This way, you will make your life easier.
- If you live with a manipulative person, try to limit the time you spend with them at meals and other activities that need to be done together.
- Instead, if you are forced to interact with her at work, try to limit your interactions as much as possible. For example, you can cut conversations short and choose projects that don't require his collaboration.
- If it's a relative, limit your contact to family reunions. Don't be too long when talking on the phone.
Step 5. Step away if necessary
If a relationship impairs your well-being, don't hesitate to distance yourself. Some people are too harmful to accept change. If someone continues to overstep the boundaries you have set, break all bridges. Life is too short to waste time with those who hurt and control you.
Advice
- Don't let others tell you how to spend your money, unless it's your accountant. In a marriage, money management should be decided together and a compromise can always be found.
- Focus on the positive things to better deal with each situation.
- In most cases, control freaks backtrack and behave passively-aggressively when faced with someone trying to stem their behavior. In some cases, it is preferable to satisfy the wishes of others without making a diagnosis of the situation. Each request must be evaluated according to the circumstances, whether it is acceptable or not. It's not unreasonable for your boyfriend to beg you not to use your cell phone for useless things when you are together. However, texting a friend while watching a movie is rude and absolutely unnecessary in that context.
Some suggestions presented in this article do not agree with Christian ethics. If you are a Christian, you should go to a priest.
