Developing your self-control can be a somewhat laborious process, but it will allow you to make major changes in your life and teach you to keep impulsivity in check. Feeling more in control of yourself and your actions will help you manage your life better and lead it more authoritatively, thereby also improving your self-esteem.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: in the Immediate
Step 1. Recognize impulsive thoughts
Having a strategy that allows you to resist sudden temptations will help you develop your self-control. Start by creating a list of the reactions you want to master and the situations that trigger those behaviors. Being able to identify situations in which you tend to act impulsively will allow you to try to create a time gap between the urge to do and the consequent action.
Step 2. Establish time restrictions on impulsive thoughts
Creating distance in your reasoning will allow you to reevaluate your actions from a more rational perspective. It will also help you postpone your actions by preventing you from reacting abruptly and instinctively.
For example, if you tend to spend money and shop uncontrollably, set a 24-hour wait before each purchase. When you see an item you like, write it down in a small notebook and, after the expected 24 hours, review your list, then decide if you really want to buy it
Step 3. Practice abdominal breathing
This step can be especially helpful if you're trying to quit smoking or curb your food cravings. When you feel the urge to smoke a cigarette or eat something, instead of giving in immediately, set your phone timer to five minutes, then focus your attention on breathing. Inhale and exhale while expanding and contracting the abdomen. Remind yourself that the burning desire to do something is but a desire, not a necessity. Spend the five minutes breathing and imagining the craving slowly dissolve with each exhalation, then stop to notice your sensations and reflect on your current need to eat or give in to that cigarette.
Close your eyes and slowly inhale through your nose. Fill the lungs completely by expanding the chest and abdomen. Finally, breathe out gradually and naturally, you can let the air out regardless of the mouth or nose
Step 4. Distract yourself in a healthy way
Just sitting and staring at them won't make it easy to resist temptation. Learn to recognize situations that trigger your desire and take active steps to try to distract yourself in other ways. Taking your mind off the urge to do something will give you time to decide if you really intend to give in to that apparent need.
Putting yourself into a manual activity could prove to be very useful; sewing, crochet, origami or even chatting with a friend could be the ideal solution
Step 5. Identify an "escape valve" through which to channel your urges in a healthy way
In addition to random momentary distractions, find a stable alternative to the behaviors you wish to dominate. By giving yourself the time necessary to clear your mind, you will put yourself in a position to make a clearer and more authoritative decision.
For example, if you are trying to put an end to irrational spending, you can take a walk in a park, away from the possibility of shopping. If, on the other hand, you're trying to curb your cravings, you can make it a habit to hit the gym whenever the urge to binge gets intense
Part 2 of 2: Long Term
Step 1. Make a list of the habits and behaviors you want to control
If your loved ones have given you advice on how to improve, consider them. Remember that real changes come from within, so listen to your intuition and honor your feelings as well as suggestions made by people who love you. Being able to really change your behaviors and develop your self-control requires considerable commitment and determination.
Among the habits you may want to learn to master we can include: smoking, eating improperly, abusing alcohol, spending your money in an uncontrolled way, improperly managing your personal or work life, etc
Step 2. Go through the list of behaviors you want to change and choose the main one
We could all be more disciplined and controlled in many areas of our lives, so don't be too hard on yourself and be patient. Look at your list and choose an aspect you want to work on. Changing your habits will take time and developing your self-control will take a lot of effort. Estimate your energies and set yourself realistic and truly achievable goals.
- Remember that your behaviors and choices are the only things you can control. Therefore, do not choose to want to improve the relationship with your parents because such a goal requires that they too commit themselves. Instead, try to set a different goal, one that depends solely on your own efforts, such as improving the way you communicate with your parents.
- When deciding what changes to make in your life, be realistic in estimating your time and skills. Trying to change many things at once, however ambitious it may be, will expose you to the risk of self-sabotaging and failure.
Step 3. Search for the behavior you want to change
Inquire to find out how others have been able to develop their self-control in similar situations. Ask questions of friends and loved ones who have made similar changes in their lives and do a thorough search on the internet for what aspect you are trying to change.
For example, if you are trying to curb the urge to overeat, look for books on compulsive eating and learn as many strategies as available to help you develop your self-control in food. For example, try keeping a food-only diary and note your progress and the techniques you have learned; in this way you will be able to find out which ones are best suited to your needs
Step 4. Describe yourself honestly
In the act of implementing the changes, personalize your experience by describing it in a personal journal. Becoming aware of the situations that trigger your impulsive emotional reactions leading you to lose self-control will allow you to gain a greater understanding of your behaviors. Being more aware of your drives will help you feel more in control of yourself and decide how you intend to develop your self-control. The key is to be able to understand what is right for you; being able to develop your self-control stems from being aware of why you are sometimes seized by certain impulses.
Going back to the compulsive eating example, you will need to examine how you feel when you give in to the temptation to binge. Maybe you tend to overeat when you are feeling very stressed or maybe when you want to reward yourself for something. Some people give in to their temptations when they feel sad or anxious
Step 5. Set yourself realistic goals
We often fail in trying to develop our self-control because we get frustrated by the inability to make stable changes from day to day. If you want to take the path to success, make your efforts to achieve realistic goals, such as gradually giving up a bad habit rather than becoming a completely different person overnight.
For example, if you want to learn to overcome the temptation to binge, don't mind eating only fruit and vegetables all of a sudden, it would be too radical a change and most likely unsustainable
Step 6. Track your progress
Always remember that the important thing is to progress, not to reach perfection. Record your efforts in a specially dedicated calendar. When you feel your self-control fail, write it down on your calendar and describe in your diary the conditions that preceded the unleashing of your urges. By learning about yourself and your behavioral habits, you will become more adept at identifying those situations that tend to highlight your weaknesses.
For example, you may find that the holidays are a particularly stressful time of year and that the countless commitments associated with Christmas put you at greater risk of compulsive eating. Next year you will know that you have to prepare for some difficult days and you can prepare yourself to sustain your self-control by putting in place some of the strategies you have learned by educating yourself
Step 7. Motivate yourself
Make sure you always know clearly why you want to master a given behavior and make sure you constantly remind yourself of it. Try to unearth your inner strength and write down your motivations in your diary. If you wish, you can also list your arguments on a small sheet of paper to keep in your wallet or in a memo on your mobile.
For example, let's say you want to develop your self-control in order to quit smoking. You could list the costs associated with buying cigarettes, the harmful effects on health, the bad smell, the desire to take care of your teeth, etc. Also, make a list of all the positives associated with the decision to quit smoking, including more money, whiter teeth, better breathing capacity, and any other reasons that motivate you not to give in to cigarettes
Step 8. Channel your energies into positive behaviors
Try to replace the unhealthy habits you are trying to dominate with new positive and different behaviors. Consider the whole process as a journey aimed at discovering which strategies are most useful in your specific case and try not to be discouraged by any missteps; when you stumble over an obstacle, get up and try again with something different. Taking care of yourself will reinforce your awareness that you are really trying to change and develop better self-control.
For example, if you tend to binge in situations where you feel stressed, experiment with different ways to relieve the stress. Try some relaxation techniques in order to replace food with a healthy and enjoyable activity, such as abdominal breathing, yoga, physical activity, meditation, martial arts, or tai chi
Step 9. Develop new hobbies
Immersing yourself in a new passion, whether it's painting, model making, puzzles, motorcycles or a sporting activity, for example, is a great way to be able to distract yourself while practicing self-control. Part of being able to change an old behavior is knowing how to replace it with something healthier and insensitive to impulsiveness.
The web contains multiple resources to help you find a new hobby, including Pinterest and social media groups where you can find other people who share your interests
Step 10. Consolidate your persona
Encourage yourself to change your life for the better by making the changes you want. Having a positive attitude is very favorably influencing your ability to develop your self-control. If you find yourself having difficulty achieving your goals, don't be too critical of yourself. Stay focused and keep your commitment and determination, abandoning the perception of failure. The only thing that matters is not to stop trying.
If you feel like you're giving in to impulsiveness rather than getting closer to your goals, try using your journal to reframe those negative thoughts. For example, if you want to stop spending your money irrationally but get overwhelmed by the urge to shop compulsively, bring your focus back to your goal and admit that you had a bad day. Take the time to analyze how you can behave differently in the future and describe it on the pages of your diary, for example you may decide to take a yoga class. Congratulate yourself on your level of awareness and get ready to give it another try
Step 11. Use your support network
Tell your friends and family to know that you want to change your behaviors. Ask those who you think can give you the best support to be able to contact them in case of need. Learning to believe in yourself and triggering the desired changes implies knowing how to accept the help of others. Even if the goal is to put yourself in a position to take control of yourself on your own, making your own words of encouragement and motivation from others and being listened to when you feel the need will strengthen your belief that you want to change for the better.
Step 12. Assure yourself the glory you deserve
Your attempt to change and develop your self-control must be equally praised and rewarded. Rewarding yourself when you manage to take control of yourself will help you reinforce positive behaviors to replace impulsive ones.
For example, if you are trying to quit smoking, you may decide to set aside the money you would have spent on cigarettes and spend it on a reward day, for example at a spa. If you're trying to keep your appetite in check, you can reward your efforts with a small gift - a new shirt, for example
Step 13. Understand when to ask for help
Deciding to develop your self-control and change to be able to be more in control of your life and your actions is a commendable choice, but in some circumstances you may need a boost that exceeds that of your willpower. It is advisable to enlist the help and support of a professional when:
- You struggle with a strong addiction to alcohol or other substances.
- Engaged in dangerous or addictive sexual behavior.
- Repeatedly involved in dangerous or abusive relationships.
- You are unable to control nervousness and outbursts of anger and for this reason you tend to hurt yourself or others.
Advice
- The change won't happen instantly, so be patient and stay calm.
- Get quality sleep. It will keep you physically and mentally healthy and allow you to take a break from reflecting on your behavior.
- Establish a moderate punishment system. For example, if you want to stop biting your nails, every time you find yourself breaking the rule, take on an errand, do someone a favor, or put chewing gum in your mouth to distract your mind from unwanted behavior and avoid substituting. the old harmful habit with an equally harmful one.
- Don't punish yourself for making mistakes. People are not perfect, everyone is wrong.
Warnings
- Don't get carried away by the desire to gain more control over your life. For example, stopping eating to avoid bingeing is not healthy at all. Don't allow the desire for control to become a new form of addiction.
- Notice if people close to you are urging you to engage in destructive behaviors. Sometimes it is those around us who push us to develop bad habits, in these cases it is important to take a step back and know when it's time to say "Guys, I just can't be part of the group this time". If they are persistent, ask "Do you know this behavior is hurting me?" and see if their attitude improves.
