What can you do after arguing bitterly with your girlfriend? Both of you are likely to feel resentment, anger, or confusion. If you intend to safeguard your relationship, there is some way to remedy it. Start analyzing your quarrel, then try to approach the situation with understanding and humility.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Analyzing the Quarrel
Step 1. Try to calm down
You cannot expect to remedy an argument immediately after an argument. Since a conflict has arisen, give yourself time to let off some steam. Wait a few hours, or even a few days, to calm down and properly metabolize your emotions. Take a long walk, visit a friend, watch a movie. Try to engage in something that can relax your nerves until you have calmed down enough to look at the situation more objectively.
Make sure your girlfriend knows you're taking the time to calm down. Say, for example, "I'm really upset and I need time to process the situation. Can we talk about it tomorrow? I'd like to calm down now."
Step 2. Analyze the cause of the dispute
We rarely argue for no reason. Take the time to analyze the factors that sparked the discussion and see if you could have acted differently
- Review what happened. Why did you start fighting? What sparked the discussion? What did you say to each other? Are you sorry for the words you used? Why or why not?
- Keep in mind that memories are subjective, especially in the most stressful situations. Unlike you, your girlfriend is likely to remember a certain aspect of the fight. It's normal. It doesn't necessarily mean that one of you is a liar. It's just that stress can leave imprecise memories in your memory that don't match reality.
Step 3. Accept what you are feeling
After an argument, it is necessary to accept and deal with the emotions that arise. While we probably hate feelings like anger and sadness, it's important to acknowledge them rather than ignore them.
- By repressing them, there is a risk that they will implode in the long run. If you feel angry, don't stop yourself from being angry. If you are sad, don't stifle your suffering.
- Accept the fact that emotions are not mental states that belong to the sphere of rationality. For example, if your girlfriend hurt your feelings, it's not that helpful to rationally realize that she wasn't going to act a certain way. Understand that you both have the right to emotionally react when you disagree, even if your reactions may not be entirely logical and linear.
Part 2 of 3: Remedying the Quarrel
Step 1. Propose a clarification
When both of you have calmed down, invite her to talk about what happened. After a heated discussion, it is important to find time to clarify by making sure that both sides have regained the calm necessary to deal with the situation.
- Choose the right circumstance to talk so as not to have external constraints that limit the duration of your meeting. Choose a night during the week or on the weekend when none of you have to get up early the next day to go to work. Try to address the conversation early in the evening shortly after dinner, or both hunger and drowsiness can interfere with the conversation.
- If you don't live together, try to pick a place that is neutral territory for both of you to compare. While it may seem strange to you to discuss your relationship in a public place, on the other hand there is the certainty that in a neutral field you both feel more comfortable. You can find a place frequented by few people, such as a bar with a spacious and quiet indoor room or a park that is usually not crowded.
Step 2. Communicate openly with the body
As you talk about your fight, use your body language to show yourself open to dialogue. This way the discussion will be relaxed and fruitful.
- Look the other person in the eye. Every now and then nod to show that you are listening to her. Never cross your arms and do not assume postures that make you look tense. Try to avoid nervous attitudes, perhaps by playing with your clothes or wringing your hands.
- Nod every now and then: it is a non-verbal gesture with which you show that you are paying attention to the other person's words.
Step 3. Use your communication skills well when speaking
As you continue your confrontation about the quarrel you have had, also use good verbal communication. Your girlfriend needs to know that you are willing to find a solution to your problem, so try to express yourself effectively.
- Be clear and concise when you speak. Don't include too many details and try to make speeches that come to the point. Don't interrupt your girlfriend when she talks. Always ask if your words are clear. Ask her for an explanation if you don't understand something she said.
- Use first-person sentences. This way you can be sure that you are expressing your mood instead of making judgments about the situation. For example, instead of saying "You had an overreaction for being late and embarrassing me in front of your friends," try, "I felt embarrassed when in front of your friends you scolded me for being arrived late ".
Step 4. Value the other person's mood
It can be very frustrating to feel that your partner doesn't recognize how much you are feeling. Even if you don't agree with your girlfriend about her portrayal of a certain situation, do everything you can to make her understand that you accept how much she is feeling.
- Often, the simple act of accepting the other person's emotional condition eases the tension that has arisen in a situation. It can release pent-up negative energies and make your girlfriend realize that you genuinely intend to make her happy.
- You may not accept a reaction. For example, let's say she's upset about a joke you made at a party. You might be tempted to say, "I was just kidding and now you're exaggerating." Even if you think he overreacted, the point is, you hurt his feelings. An emotional reaction is not something that can be directly controlled. Instead, try to tell her, "It wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I'm sorry my joke hurt you. I see how upset you are and I am mortified."
Step 5. Understand what points you disagree on
In almost all couples, problems arise when opinions do not agree. This is normal, because everyone is different. See a discussion as an opportunity to understand your differences and how you can find a meeting point.
- Maybe you have slightly different ideas about what a relationship implies. Maybe you have a different sense of humor. Maybe you have different needs regarding the time to spend together and the moments to dedicate to yourself. Whatever it is, there are always differences in couples over some aspects of the relationship.
- Find out if there is an underlying problem that led you to argue. If you have a rather heated discussion, it is unlikely that it arose from an irrelevant problem. Find out what points you disagree on and what you can do to reconcile. Sometimes simply recognizing that you have a different idea about a given topic can help ease the tension. If you are able to understand to what extent you differ in character, eventually you will be able to consider some aspects in a less personal way.
Step 6. Apologize
After reflecting on your behavior and role in the fight, apologize for any wrong actions. Be specific. It is not enough for you to say, "I'm sorry". Instead, try saying, "I'm sorry I didn't support you when you were studying for exams." A sincere apology, showing that you've listened to and understood your girlfriend's concerns, can go a long way in mending the relationship.
Part 3 of 3: Preventing Further Fighting in the Future
Step 1. Find out immediately if new problems arise
As soon as you notice that a problem is smoldering, don't ignore it. Instead, discuss it before it gets complicated. This way you will avoid any outbursts in the future.
If you keep everything inside, you run the risk of regurgitating past things as soon as another fight breaks out. This way your girlfriend will feel attacked and besieged. When a problem arises, address it immediately. Though small, it can help fuel resentment over time
Step 2. Find a way to resolve arguments without getting angry
Anger can make it difficult to react when things get out of hand. Often we give in to anger and end up pushing the closest people away. Try to find together a way to solve problems without giving in to anger. A great method is to pause for five minutes and express your mood, rather than trying to speak as soon as a disagreement arises.
Step 3. Listen to the needs dictated by emotionality
Quarrels often result from certain emotional needs being neglected. When your girlfriend is upset or disappointed with you, try to figure out if she has any needs that you are underestimating. Have you been apart from her lately? Have you been so busy that you couldn't spend much time on her? Consider whether you are respecting their needs and what you can do to remedy them.
Step 4. Summarize the discussion to make sure you understand
After an argument always find time to recap what you have discussed. How do you feel? How does your girlfriend feel? How are you willing to work to improve the situation and make sure nothing like this happens again? By finding five minutes to focus on the main aspects of an argument, you will prevent it from happening again.
