Everyone can act selfish and self-centered from time to time, but some people tend to do it more often than others. If a friend's selfish behavior exasperates you, it's probably time to do something. There are several strategies for dealing with it and improving the relationship. To get started, identify the problem, then explain how you feel and look for solutions.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Identify the Problem
Step 1. Remember that selfishness can indicate other problems
It is maddening to deal with someone who behaves this way, but it is possible that their attitude denotes more serious ailments, such as depression. Try not to judge her or label her "selfish" or "self-centered". Instead, try to understand what is happening to her, why she is behaving this way.
- For example, you might say to her, "I've noticed that you're having a hard time conversing normally during this time. Is something wrong?" or "You seem very busy with the negative events of the last period. I think you need to talk to someone who can help you."
- If your friend tells you that he is depressed or is facing serious problems, then encourage him to ask for help. You might suggest that you talk to a psychologist.
Step 2. Consider what is bothering you
What actions irritate you? Does he talk to you negatively, constantly demands your attention, or does he talk incessantly about himself? Try to understand what exactly is bothering you.
- Some friends constantly ask for help and never reciprocate. In this case, the problem is that your relationship is trying to take more than it offers, making it one-sided.
- There are friends who always talk about themselves, but they never ask you how you are. Many make this mistake, but some exaggerate. Again, the relationship has a one-sided problem. Your friend wants to be heard, but he doesn't reciprocate.
- Constantly seeking attention is another form of selfishness. Some people call or text you all the time, trying to see or talk to you. This type of relationship can quickly become irritating - the problem is that your friend doesn't respect the fact that you need to spend time alone.
Step 3. Consider the underlying issues of selfishness, so that when you talk to your friend about it, you can get into it
By evaluating why he acts so selfishly, you can also develop a little more empathy towards him.
- Extremely selfish or self-centered people can be insecure or in need of attention. Many selfish individuals are seeking attention or trying to get others to think about them because they have a negative image of themselves.
- Even a person's education can explain the reason for his selfishness. She may be used to getting a lot of attention from her parents, so she expects everyone to do the same. It's also possible that she was neglected in childhood, so she's now desperate for attention.
Step 4. Think of the times you have been selfish
Selfishness is inherent in human nature, so sometimes everyone is guilty of it. Consider the occasions when you have behaved selfishly to put things in perspective. It is possible that you have unwittingly been selfish or have hurt the feelings of others. See if you've ever been responsible for similar offenses against your friend.
For example, have you ever interrupted someone in the middle of a conversation? Have you ever gotten bored while someone was talking about their business, starting to think about your problem? Try to consider the episodes in which you have been selfish to remember that it happens to everyone after all
Part 2 of 3: Talk about it
Step 1. Take some time to talk about it
To change someone's behavior, the best thing to do is to discuss it. Arrange with your friend to talk about it, make sure you do it in a private and quiet place. When you tell him how you feel, he may feel bad about it, so you don't want to discuss it in a public place.
- Choose a time when you will have enough time to talk. This conversation needs to be deep, so make sure you have enough time to express all your thoughts. You will need at least an hour.
- Choose a private place, such as your home or an unfrequented public place, such as a quiet park or something similar.
- Avoid restaurants, shops, or bars. It is normal to meet in these places, but it is difficult to talk about personal matters in the presence of other people. Also, if your friend reacts badly in front of a lot of people, it will be embarrassing.
Step 2. Explain exactly what is bothering you
Try to be respectful and positive. Remind him that you are happy with your relationship, but that you want to change a few things. You need to be direct and express the problem as clearly as possible.
- If he asks you for a lot of favors, say, "I've been pretty shocked lately that you have so many expectations of me, yet you don't reciprocate in the same way." Don't use negative language, like "I'm tired of your selfishness" or "I hate that you demand so many favors from me."
- If he constantly talks about himself, tell him: "I have noticed that you almost always talk about yourself, it seems that you never have enough time to listen to me." Again, avoid expressing yourself in words that have a negative connotation and that tend to put the responsibility on your friend completely. Don't say, "I can't stand the fact that you only ever talk about yourself. It's really annoying."
- If he often asks you for help in his moments of crisis, tell him, "I know you have been having problems recently, but it is difficult for me to always go to your rescue. I really appreciate our friendship, but I really feel under pressure." Don't say, "You can't solve anything on your own and that irritates me a lot. I can't help you every time you have a problem."
Step 3. Focus on your feelings
Selfish people think about themselves for a good part of the time and hardly give importance to other people's emotions. If you tell him directly how you feel about his selfishness, he is more likely to understand where he went wrong.
- If he often asks you for money, explain how this behavior makes you feel. You probably think you don't respect all the hard work you do every day. Maybe you also think he wants to be your friend just because you have certain financial means, not because you are a good person.
- If he constantly complains and never has time for your problems, explain that you feel unimportant in the relationship. Tell him that your relationship seems one-sided and seeing that he doesn't give the slightest importance to your problems makes you suffer.
- Maybe this friend goes to your house, dirty and not clean. Explain that his lack of cooperation exasperates you and that you feel bad when he doesn't offer to help clean up. In any case, keep in mind that this is not necessarily due to selfishness. He may have grown up in an environment where soiling without cleaning is considered acceptable.
Step 4. Listen to it
If you are respectful and kind as you speak, he will likely apologize and explain why he has been selfish. Make sure you listen carefully to the reasons and try to understand how he feels.
- If he tells you he never realized it, you are on the right track. Many selfish people behave badly without even paying attention to the consequences of their actions. If you've opened his eyes and he seems willing to fix it, then you can find a solution.
- If he gives you explanations, try to be understanding. Many people react extremely sensitively to their problems and cannot see beyond their nose. These two factors often negatively affect friendships. If he has serious problems, for example, he is facing a romantic breakup or a death in the family, you need to be patient until he feels better.
- If he seems anything but interested in your concerns, bad sign. Faced with their own flaws, many selfish people are unable to understand where they went wrong. Your friend may not see why he has to change and is unlikely to understand this in the future. Such a friendship may need to be ended.
Step 5. Get him to agree to change his behavior
If he cares about you, he should be willing to take the initiative to make some changes. Make sure you specifically explain to him what kind of attitude he should work on.
For example, if you are tired of the fact that he always talks only about himself, without listening to you, then invite him to make an effort to listen to you when you tell him something
Part 3 of 3: Consolidating the New Behavior
Step 1. If he starts relapsing into old habits, point this out explicitly
Tell him whenever it happens. Explain how his behavior makes you feel and remind him that he has agreed to work on it.
- If he is selfish by constantly demanding attention, point it out. If he's constantly asking you to change your plans or texting you incessantly, put an end to the conversation and tell him he's relapsing into the old behavior.
- For example, he spends too much money on himself and constantly asks you for loans. If he promised to change but after a week he wants more money, remind him of the promise he made to you. Maybe he will realize his mistake and learn not to repeat it.
Step 2. Stop doing the doormat
Many behave selfishly because others let them. If someone asks you too many favors or talks only about themselves, get them to retrace their steps immediately. Don't let yourself be stepped on.
- For example, a friend invites you for a coffee and talks to you about his problems for an hour. You are used to this situation, so when he calls you, you already know how it will turn out. As soon as you get such a phone call, refuse. You may even accept, but then, as you sit down, change the course of the conversation by talking about yourself.
- If this friend of yours is always looking for support and consent, stop being supportive. Many like to complain, but they do nothing to make up for it. As soon as he asks if you feel sorry for him, say no. Instead, try to offer them solutions or help them see the bright side of the matter. Alternatively, you can give him a list of reasons to be grateful. You can end the conversation with a positive affirmation: "So why on earth should I feel sorry? Your life is full of good things."
Step 3. Try to be positive
If a selfish person treats you badly, that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be treated well. Selfish people ignore their friends or neglect their obligations because they think only of themselves, but that has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person. Don't let their behavior make you feel distorted or feel bad about yourself.
Step 4. Check your progress often
Determine if your friend has actually made a commitment to change. Many people try to change right away because they feel embarrassed, especially if they have never realized they are selfish. In other cases, the changes will be slower, but you will see that it will take small steps to be different. Try to be patient.
- Talk to your friend every three to four days. See if things are going better for him or if he's keeping his promise to be less selfish.
- Spend time together. This is the best way to tell if your behavior is changing. See yourself as usual and see if your friendship is different or improved.
- Talk to your mutual friends. See if his promise extends to other relationships as well. Mutual friends may see improvement or continue to see the usual selfish behaviors. Talk to them to see if they've noticed any differences.
Step 5. Take a break
If his behavior is truly intolerable, try to see him less often. Selfishness drains the energies of those who suffer it, and you deserve better. Whether you are away from your friend for a day or a week, take some time for yourself. If, in addition to being selfish, he ignores you, you could also pay him back with the same coin.
Step 6. Know when to end the relationship
If you have been patient and have tried to help him without seeing any results, perhaps you should end your friendship. It's hard to do this, but toxic and negative people don't deserve to be a part of your life. Politely explain that you can't see each other again and keep your promise.
Advice
- Be careful if you have a group of selfish friends. If they support each other, it will be difficult to improve their behavior.
- Never complain too much or be negative about your friend, especially if they are making an effort to change their behavior. He may be discouraged and stop trying.
- Don't skip the dialogue phase. It is difficult or embarrassing to express your feelings, but explaining how you feel is very important in changing the dynamics of friendship.
- After talking, try to distance yourself a bit. It is possible that he feels hurt and that he is shaken. Give him a chance to reflect on what you said for himself, rather than insist and expect him to change right away.
Warnings
- Don't yell at him or get angry while you speak. Maybe he deserves it, but if you get angry you won't get him to change. Only a respectful and thoughtful dialogue will make him understand how you feel.
- Self-centered friends may never change. Some selfish behaviors are so ingrained that it is impossible to completely eliminate them, so if it doesn't make any progress, don't feel disappointed.
- If a relative is selfish, be careful. Should you get to the point of ending the relationship, it will be extremely difficult if you are related. Either way, ask other family members for help and be firm in your beliefs.
