The perfectionism towards which modern life drives us worries us and instigates us to constantly compare ourselves to others. As we begin to examine our achievements and goals, we also tend to want to do even better. As a result, it is natural to compare oneself to others and sometimes even envy them. But when we focus on our flaws rather than our talents, we get obsessed with the wrong thing. Such behavior can be debilitating and prevent us from fully experiencing many aspects of life. Constantly comparing yourself to others tends to reduce your self-esteem and make you feel bad about yourself. Learn to resist the need to compare yourself to others by becoming aware of how you see yourself. Set goals that help you feel more confident and regain healthier behaviors that help you improve your opinion of yourself.
Steps
Part 1 of 5: Understanding the Cause of Your Comparing Yourself to Others
Step 1. Pay attention to the way you see yourself
If you intend to change your current view of yourself, you must first become aware of it. Without awareness, you may not be able to notice the problem. Given the difficulties associated with breaking a behavioral pattern, it is also advisable to face the change with the support of someone. Don't worry, however, once you are aware of the behavior you are trying to change, it will be easier to break down the process into small achievable goals.
Step 2. Assess your self-esteem
Self-esteem can be defined as the positive or negative evaluation you have of yourself. Since every day is not the same as another, it often happens that our judgment of ourselves has ups and downs, reflecting the events in progress. On the other hand, self-esteem can also be considered as a stable trait of our personality, which can be developed and expanded throughout the course of life.
Is your opinion of yourself pretty good? Do you ever allow others to control your judgment of yourself? If you have realized that, to determine your self-esteem, you tend to compare yourself to others, it means that it is good to do a job that leads you to be happier
Step 3. Identify your comparative behaviors
Notice how you compare to others, whether their position is higher or lower than yours. Normally, by observing others, we tend to measure both their negative and positive characteristics by comparing them to our own. Sometimes such a comparison can prove useful, but more commonly negative comparative behaviors dangerously reduce our levels of self-esteem.
- An example of positive behavior is comparing yourself to someone who has qualities you admire, and instead of just feeling envious of their generosity, for example, you strive to become just as generous yourself.
- An example of negative behavior is comparing yourself to someone who owns an item you want too, for example by feeling envious of someone who bought a new car.
Step 4. Write down your thoughts and feelings
Write down those emotional reactions that are a direct result of your comparing yourself to others. If possible, do so immediately after they appear to be able to describe them in detail.
Reflect on the feelings of comparing yourself to others. Transfer your every feeling or thought to paper. For example, describe your feeling troubled by the envy you feel towards the owner of the new car
Step 5. Try to locate the area where your comparative behavior arises
Try to recall a time when you didn't usually compare yourself to others and retrace your story to be able to understand the origins of your current envy. Putting your thoughts in writing could be of great help to you.
- For example, think back to when you were a child and you still hadn't started comparing yourself to your brother. As you reflect, you may find that you started comparing yourself to him because you felt neglected by your parents. You can finally begin to explore the foundation of your current negative behavior.
- When it comes to comparative behaviors, one of the hardest things to do is realize that our attitude is hurting us. By keeping track and learning to recognize how we feel about comparing ourselves to others we will be more motivated to change.
Part 2 of 5: Appreciate What You Have
Step 1. Focus on what you have
After realizing that comparing yourself to others does not work in your favor, it is good to take the necessary measures. Starting to feel and express gratitude for the many gifts life has received will help you shift your attention from others to yourself.
Spend more time focusing on all that is good and positive in your life. Only by not wasting precious time comparing yourself to others will you be able to notice the many blessings received
Step 2. Keep a gratitude journal
It will help you remember all the wonderful things you own and will finally allow you to notice and appreciate the many things you have taken for granted so far. Think back to the many wonderful memories that your mind holds, for example related to your past goals, the places you visited or the friends you spent unforgettable moments with. Focus on feeling grateful for everything that has made you and is making you happy.
- A gratitude journal helps you increase your chances of being successful. However, simply dealing with emotions without motivation will work against you. It will therefore be necessary to make an effort to focus on the things you have taken for granted and learn to really appreciate them. Decide right now to learn to feel grateful every day for what you have and to want to improve your life.
- Dig deep. Instead of just listing them on a list, add an in-depth explanation about some of the things that make you feel grateful.
- Describe any surprises or unexpected events. Doing so will give you the opportunity to deepen and relive the pleasant sensations experienced.
- It will not be necessary to write in the journal every day. In fact, picking it up a couple of times a week could be even more beneficial than filling it out every day.
Step 3. Be kind to yourself
By being more lovable and less strict with yourself, you will be able to motivate yourself to do better and more.
Step 4. Understand that you are in control of your life
Resisting the temptation to compare yourself to others is really difficult. But make the effort to realize that it is only you who control your choices and decide how to live your life. Behave the best way for you, without worrying about others.
It doesn't matter what other people do or possess. Over the course of your life, you are the only one who counts
Part 3 of 5: Eliminate or Replace Comparative Thoughts
Step 1. Understand the process that will allow you to change your behaviors and thoughts
The trans-theoretical model of change states that we go through phases that lead to our awareness of a situation. The individual goes through a process that ends with the acceptance of the new behavior. These stages include:
- Pre-contemplation: during this phase the individual is not ready to change. Often the cause is attributable to a lack or scarcity of information relating to the current problem.
- Contemplation: this phase involves the evaluation of a possible change. The individual begins to weigh the positive aspects while remaining aware of the difficulties associated with the change.
- Preparation: during this phase the individual has now made the decision to transform and has begun to make plans to support the change.
- Action: at this stage the individual is making efforts to alter their behavior. For example, he could reduce the time spent doing some activities by increasing the time he cultivates others.
- Maintenance- At this stage, activities are kept at a given level to ensure that behavior has changed and remains unchanged.
- Conclusion: during this phase the behavior has been modified and the individual is able to not experience any relapse, even if he is experiencing an altered emotional state, for example in moments of stress, depression, anxiety.
Step 2. Understand that idealizing someone is unrealistic
When we idealize a person, we focus only on certain aspects and transform them into a grandiose, but imaginary creature. We choose to notice only the characteristics that we enhance while rejecting those we do not like.
Step 3. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones
When you compare yourself to others, you risk evaluating yourself negatively. When you realize that you have been formulating negative thoughts about yourself, force yourself to change them by focusing on the qualities and characteristics you feel most proud of.
For example: if you know someone who is very good at writing, instead of envying their talents, focus on yours. Tell yourself "Maybe I'm not the best writer in the world, but I can draw very well. Also, if I wanted to improve my writing skills, I could commit myself to achieving my goal on my own instead of wasting time envying others"
Part 4 of 5: Achieving Your Goals
Step 1. Set yourself a goal
Reaching your goals will help you build your own life and experiences without letting yourself be swayed by the expectations of others. The first step is to establish your goals.
If you want to run a marathon, set that goal as your goal, then consider where you are. For example, before you start exercising, understand what current distance you can cover by running
Step 2. Highlight your progress
When you set yourself a goal, track your progress to gauge how you are moving towards the goal. Doing so will help you stay focused on yourself instead of being distracted by others.
- Follow your own pace. When you track your progress, consider your situation as unique. For example, in case a friend finished school before you, don't overlook the fact that in addition to a student you are also a full-time worker or a parent or child who is taking care of their family whenever possible. Each person experiences a unique condition that greatly affects the progress achieved, both in positive and negative terms. When evaluating the steps taken, take each circumstance into due consideration.
- If you are training to run a marathon, you can make a note of your weekly improvements. Every week commit to cover a greater distance, until you reach the finish line of 42 km. In addition to being able to cover a greater distance, you will also increase your speed at the same time. By translating your progress in graphical form, you will know with certainty what are the results achieved and what the steps still to be taken.
Step 3. Grow your skills
If you notice any areas that need improvement, attend courses, lectures or seminars to perfect your technique and skills. By gaining more knowledge, you will increase your self-confidence and appreciation.
It is important that you understand that perfection is an unproductive thinking pattern based on unrealistic ideals and standards. You also recognize the complex uniqueness of each circumstance. If you want to make yourself happy, try to improve your skills
Step 4. Challenge yourself
There are many successful actors and athletes who admit to competing against themselves. Every day they try to take their best outcomes to an even higher level. Achieving greater and greater goals is a great way to boost your self-esteem. When an athlete aims to excel in their sport, they feel motivated to set goals, to hone their skills and to give their all.
Step 5. Judge yourself based on your standards
Learning to rate yourself using your own criteria will allow you to stop comparing yourself to other people. Realizing that the expectations of others are not yours, you will stop the ongoing competition. So learn to recognize the possibility of creating the life you want to be able to take control of your results. Evaluate yourself using only your own criteria and completely ignore those of others.
Step 6. Instead of envying others, start appreciating them
Understand what benefit they can bring you. If your friends are successful people, they will likely be able to help you improve, including through their network of acquaintances.
Let's take an example: if you want to improve your physical condition, you can look at the images of the best athletes to admire their state of form. Rather than feeling jealous or inferior, you can use them to motivate yourself to make changes in your life. You may decide to change your eating habits and start exercising more. This way you will be using the images productively rather than negatively
Step 7. Take occasional risks
Once you have learned to evaluate yourself according to your own criteria, you will feel freer to start taking small, gradual risks in order to push yourself beyond your current limits. Often the fear of taking risks is exactly what keeps people from doing their best. Being trapped in their fears causes them to fail to exceed the expectations of others.
Start by taking baby steps. This way you will see the confidence you have in your abilities increase
Step 8. Build a support network
By surrounding yourself with supportive people, you will be able to improve your perception of yourself.
Step 9. Be your own coach
A good coach comes in many forms. Some choose to scream and humiliate their players; others, while insisting on excellence and encouraging their athletes to run, jump or swim even better, treat them with affection and show them considerable support. The coach who teaches with love is the one who in general will give life to the most balanced human being.
Consider yourself your own coach and motivated to achieve excellence. Treat yourself with love and appreciate the efforts you make. Instead of destroying your self-esteem, learn to strengthen it in order to be able to achieve your goals
Part 5 of 5: Using the Media Responsibly
Step 1. Reduce the time you spend by exposing yourself to media and social networks
If you find that idealistic representations proposed by the media are negatively impacting your self-esteem, start reducing their use. Limit the time you spend browsing social networks or eliminate them completely from your life. Delete or disable your accounts.
If you do not want to delete or completely disable your Facebook, Twitter or Instagram profile, limit the number of accesses performed and the time spent using them. For example, do not exceed 10 minutes per day or 30 minutes per week and be cautious in exporting to those pages that can trigger a negative comparative thinking pattern
Step 2. Avoid media that show ideal images
Limit your exposure by avoiding fashion magazines, reality TV, certain movies and music videos, etc. If you notice that you frequently compare yourself to certain models or athletes, stay away from newspapers, shows or sports that continually show them off.
It has been shown that even a temporary exposure to those media that show idealistic images can negatively impact our self-esteem and image. The consequences can be serious and lead to mental rumination and depressive symptoms
Step 3. Start thinking realistically
Staying away from the idealistic images proposed by the media is not always possible, so try to notice the occasions when you compare yourself to others. Think about what reality lies behind those seemingly perfect people or things.
- For example, if you envy a friend's perfect relationship, remember how difficult it was for her to find a partner and how many challenges she faced. Empathy will replace jealousy.
- If you see a person with the body, car or life you dream of, pause to think about what you can do to get closer to the same goal and write down the possible solutions.
Step 4. Use social media in a positive way
Find a way to use them that enriches your life. Follow the educational, informational or motivational pages. If you want business success, subscribe to the entrepreneurial pages. If you want to improve your physical condition, read the pages that deal with fitness and health. If you intend to work on your person and undertake an inner growth, prefer the pages that deal with topics such as psychology, philosophy, esotericism and self-care and well-being.
Advice
- Don't be afraid to put yourself first. Take care of you. If you have a tendency to bend over backwards for others, read the following articles: "How To Stop Being Too Pleasant With Others" and "How To Overcome Martyr's Syndrome".
- Comparing yourself to others is an unhealthy habit common to many. Change takes time, but it's possible, don't give up.
Warnings
- In addition to preventing yourself from doing this, don't allow others to compare you to anyone either.
- By trying to stop comparing yourself to others, try not to get overwhelmed by anxiety or stress, otherwise your self-esteem will be negatively affected.
