Sometimes, even best friends fight to the point of hurting each other, distancing themselves, fueling further disagreements, and even breaking relationships. In order to mend the friendship, it is necessary to first face the problem or the conflict from which the discussion arose. It can be painful and difficult, but fortunately there are constructive ways to overcome disagreements and differences, including: studying the situation with the intent of smoothing things out, using techniques to resolve conflicts, learning to communicate effectively and reduce the risk of further disputes.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Trying to Fix the Situation
Step 1. Identify what went wrong
To begin resolving a conflict with a friend, you first need to understand what happened and make some assumptions about what happened. It's a crucial step because you can't find a solution if you don't know the problem! By having a plan, you can handle the situation with a clear head so you don't run into the same mistakes and get back to arguing.
- Start by looking at what happened from your point of view and thinking rationally. Use both reason and emotional intelligence, but try to look at the situation objectively. Suppose you found out that your friend was talking badly behind your back. Thoroughly analyze what happened. How did you find out? What did he say? How did you behave?
- To analyze the problem, you should identify the cause of the dispute and what happened next. Reconstruct the background (what happened before the fight), examine the behavior (what you did) and identify the consequences (what happened as a result of the behavior). Imagine that the fight started when you discovered that your friend was talking badly behind your back (background), then you dealt with him and a heated discussion (behavior) arose. You have not spoken for a week afterwards (consequence).
- Understand that it is normal to argue every now and then. Not all squabbles are negative. Sometimes it is right to disagree, object or argue with friends. What matters is the way in which issues are addressed. The parties involved must respect each other and not be aggressive.
Step 2. Commit to changing the way you act
Try to analyze your role and your view of the situation. Try examining it differently, looking at it from another perspective. You could clarify your ideas and understand the best path to take to arrive at a solution. For example, promise your friend that you will behave better the next time such a circumstance occurs.
- To act differently, you have to think differently. For example, if someone has told you that a friend has made insinuations about you, is it possible that this is not true?
- Alternatively, to act differently, try changing your behavior. If you have had an argument with a friend over what you have been told, can you find a better way to deal with the situation? Did you lose your temper when you tried to resolve the conflict? Did you say something you regretted?
Step 3. Try to express what bothered you
Analyze the other person's reactions. This way, you can gather your ideas and explain the changes you expect from her when you address the issue.
- Think about anything that hurt your feelings or complicated the situation. For example, you have felt anger and sorrow at your friend's insults and insults.
- Ask yourself if he could have reacted differently. For example, instead of insulting you, he could lower his voice, speak calmly, and use less provocative and aggressive words.
Part 2 of 4: Resolve the Conflict
Step 1. Determine a time and place to talk
One of the most helpful ways to resolve differences and improve a relationship is to deal with the situation.
- If you don't have a moment to talk to your friend, try texting him or calling him to make an appointment. For example, you might ask him, "Hi. I would like to see you and talk to you in person. Do you agree?"
- Avoid addressing the issue via text, chat, email, or phone. Direct contact is the best approach to resolving a dispute because it reduces the risk of misunderstanding. In fact, you cannot catch the tone of the voice or the facial expressions of the interlocutor through a text message. Then, propose: "I would prefer if we talked about it in person in order to understand each other better. What do you think about having a coffee?".
- Choose an appropriate place, away from prying eyes. Do not involve other people, otherwise you will give the impression that you are looking for allies ready to join forces against him. Confront face to face. Suggest a meeting at the bar, at home or in the park. Avoid places frequented by people who know you, such as school or office.
- Unravel the situation. First, give him the opportunity to express his point of view and his state of mind. This way, he will understand that you are willing to put your thoughts aside and pay your attention to him.
Step 2. Try to bring yourself into his situation
By showing all your understanding, you will be more likely to iron out differences. For example, you might say, "I'd like to hear your side of the story. Can you tell me what you think about what happened?"
- Put yourself in his shoes. How would you see the situation in its place? What would you think and what feelings would you feel? Did other things happen to him that influenced the whole affair (difficulties in the family or at school)?
- Try to understand his point of view by looking at what happened as if you were a third person. Avoid being conditioned by your mood so that you don't take what he said personally and react in the wake of emotions.
Step 3. Apologize
Accept the possibility that he has a valid reason to be upset even if you disagree.
Try saying, "I realize you're hurt and I'm sorry." Then listen to his answer. Do not reply like this: "I may have made a mistake, but you behaved worse than me"
Step 4. Work together to resolve the problem
In these cases, the best solution must be found for both parties. When there is collaboration, all parties involved are equal and are committed to making the most effective decision to remedy the situation.
- Start by saying, "I really want to clear this up with you. Do you think we could find a solution that satisfies both of us?" You can also emphasize your willingness to make things right by saying, "I know I need to improve in some ways, so I'm open to listening to what you expect from me in the future."
- Try to contribute and help the other person. Instead of thinking only about your own needs, focus on what you would like while taking into account the other person's needs. Can you find a safe and balanced solution that allows you to meet your respective needs? Maybe you can help him communicate better and, for your part, learn to resolve conflicts in a healthier way.
- Don't be too condescending. Compromises allow you to get only part of what you want and sacrifice your desires. So be willing to give in a little, but don't give up completely on what you want and need to satisfy the other person.
- Analyze the possible solutions and choose the one that is most useful for both of you. Observe the situation and commit to resolving it together. Could you list the options you are willing to consider. For example, if you had heard that your friend was talking badly about you and you had a fight, perhaps you could have spoken to him more assertively, without attacking him, and he too could have done the same. Once you have come to this conclusion, agree on possible changes to be adopted in the future.
Part 3 of 4: Communicate More Positively
Step 1. Learn to be assertive
Assertiveness consists in satisfying one's needs in an adequate and respectful way towards others. The more assertive you are, the more likely you are to get what you want.
- Be direct. Talk to your friend calmly and diplomatically. Listen to his point of view and explain what you think.
- Express yourself by saying, for example, "I felt betrayed when they told me you spoke badly behind my back." Emphasize your mood rather than their behavior. You should always communicate your feelings first to avoid letting the other person get carried away by emotions or take it personally.
- Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. For example, you might say, "Our friendship means a lot to me and I don't want this problem to ruin it."
- Eye contact must be positive. Therefore, do not look him straight in the eye and do not avoid his gaze. Make sure that visual communication doesn't make him uncomfortable. Every now and then he looks away and then crosses his gaze again.
Step 2. Reduce aggression
Communication becomes aggressive when both parties believe they are right and each thinks the other is wrong. Examples of aggressive communication include: raising your voice or yelling, threatening, mortifying (for example, saying "you're stupid") and pointing fingers at.
Avoid engaging in abusive behavior, such as insulting, humiliating, or accusing. For example, don't say, "I can't believe you've come this far. I hate you! You're stupid!" Instead, try to react assertively: "I really felt betrayed when they told me you were talking badly behind my back. I know what your words may have been misunderstood, but could you explain to me what happened? I would like to know yours. point of view"
Step 3. Limit passive communication
Some people give up and beg for forgiveness at the first sign of confrontation, even when they are not at fault. However, passive behaviors, such as avoiding confrontation, further undermine friendships.
- Do not avoid the problem, otherwise nothing will be solved.
- Don't apologize for everything, just for the mistakes you've made. In other words, don't take all the blame. In an argument there are always two people involved and, in most cases, both have behaviors that aggravate the problem.
- Look at your friend and maintain eye contact instead of staring at the floor or nervously playing with the first object that comes your way.
- Don't just satisfy his wishes. Your needs are also important.
Step 4. Don't engage in passive-aggressive behavior
As the expression itself indicates, passive aggression is nothing more than a passive manifestation of one's own aggression. In other words, instead of verbally communicating one's mood, one expresses it through behavior. This passive form of bullying can create confusion and mortify people.
For example, passive-aggressive communication is manifested by sarcasm, speaking badly behind the person concerned, spreading unfounded rumors about him or pushing other individuals to despise him
Part 4 of 4: Reduce the Risk of Arguing Again
Step 1. Continue to cultivate your friendship
Don't expect things to settle overnight. Sometimes an argument can be complicated and it takes longer to overcome all the frictions.
- Allow space. Sometimes, friends need to get away to review the situation and clarify their ideas.
- Give up control. If you try to control your friend, you risk further compromising your relationships. If he doesn't want to talk about what happened, respect his wish, but let him know you don't agree.
- Do not force him to speak, otherwise there is a risk that you will fight again.
Step 2. Learn to manage anger
It's not about repressing it, but knowing what to do when you lose your temper.
- Avoid arguing when you are on a rampage. Walk away if there is a disagreement that could escalate into an aggressive or violent confrontation.
- Keep Calm and Breathe!
Step 3. Pay attention to your best sides
According to some studies, when people focus on what they know and can do, they are able to resolve conflicts with others.
