Sometimes it happens to find yourself having to manage a heated discussion, in which everyone is convinced that they are right and no one is willing to retract. If you have tried everything, from logical examples to tears of persuasion, if you have tried to scream more than the other person to make yourself heard, but neither of you gives up or wants to end it, at this point how to do it? How to calm and resolve the discussion? It's easy. First calm down and start listening.
Steps
Step 1. Calm down
People's ability to reason suddenly disappears under the influence of anger. If you, or your interlocutor, are inflamed with anger, take a few minutes to calm down, even half an hour if necessary.
- Tell him you're too upset to argue right now. Offer to continue the discussion after half an hour.
- At that point, relax. Breathe deeply. Don't ruminate and don't store any more tension. Take a walk and clear your head. Think about how to deal with the confrontation again, try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, or find the right words to express what you would like.
Step 2. Listen
Try to understand what the other person wants to tell you. You don't have to agree with his ideas. Many discussions go on for a long time precisely because both sides want to defend their position but no one is willing to listen. Listening first will unlock the situation.
Step 3. Check what you understand
Make a summary of the aspects that you caught in the words of the other, summarize it and ask him if you understood correctly. "Let's see if I understand, are you telling me that ….?" With a sentence like this you will move the discussion to a new level, you will make it clear to the other that you are trying to evaluate his point of view and you have no intention of formulating an "immediate verdict". You will have the opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings and make it clear that you have rationalized what the other person wants to tell you.
Striving to truly understand the other's point of view is an act of trust. Arguments often become charged with anger because both people begin to doubt the good faith of the other
Step 4. Confirm that the other person understands what you mean
Now ask your interlocutor if he can summarize your position. If he can't, maybe he wasn't listening to you, so repeat your points one more time and ask him to pay attention.
In telling the other that he did not understand, or that he did not listen to you, try to formulate sentences that do not offend him, and that do not place all the blame on him. Emphasize that you want to be sure that you have expressed your ideas well, say something like "I would like to confirm that I have expressed myself in the right way" rather than "I want to be sure that you have not misunderstood"
Step 5. Identify the points where you agree
After having listened to and confirmed their ideas, many discussions are automatically resolved, always in the event that there was no real confrontation. If, on the other hand, you have not yet reached a solution, start listing the points where you agree. For example, if it is a discussion about who should take out the trash, show agreement that you both want the house to be in order and it is necessary to distribute the tasks fairly. If there had been a good agreement from the start, maybe you wouldn't be arguing now.
- If something the other person has said now has made you change your mind, this is the right time to tell them. If you understand something, or if you need to correct some wrong statement, go ahead.
- Do not try to manipulate the other by forcefully accepting your point of view. Such a move will keep the discussion going for a long time to come. The mutual agreement will come sooner or later, don't force things.
Step 6. Precisely define where you disagree
Both of you will now have understood that somehow the discussion must be closed, so try to express your point of view clearly and underline the points where you disagree. Many discussions go on endlessly if the two sides don't really understand where the problem lies!
As you present your point of view, try to understand that both of you can quickly come to a conclusion. Try to understand if the other person has something to tell you that you do not yet know, analyze all the elements, maybe you already agree and have not understood each other
Step 7. Consider the possible options
What can you do to resolve the discussion? Some of the more common possibilities are:
- If the discussion started because of some job to do (for example, taking out the trash). At this point you have to strive to reach a compromise and find a solution that agrees both.
- If you have started arguing why you both want to use the same resource (for example TV) or you have different needs and you live in the same house (silence, noise, etc.). Try to understand how to best use the available resources, and how to manage your personal spaces.
- If you do not agree on some decisions to make (for example which color to paint the walls, or a disagreement in the workplace), the possible options are: evaluate both proposals and finally see the one that convinces you the most, seek a compromise that brings both ideas together, divide the tasks and become responsible for your own job only, or let go and accept the other's point of view, if you think it's not worth discussing.
- If you disagree on approving a project (for example whether or not to invest in something), the options are: try to thoroughly examine the project to see if it could work or let the other person move on in the development she is truly convinced, but without your help.
- If you have very different ideas about a particular thought (for example if the machine is down and everyone is convinced they know what the fault is, or if your opinion of God is divergent), look for evidence to show which of your people has right, if instead it is a personal vision, close the discussion leaving both the space to express their ideas.
- An option that always works is to try to take some time to let the discussion calm down and resolve itself. Now that both of you have spoken and listened to each other, you need to process the collected material before deciding how to act. Take a break.
Step 8. Make your choice
Perhaps at this point the discussion will have already been resolved, if it has not yet taken place then decide how to close it. Seek the opinion of a third person, throw a coin or propose a meeting the next day, think of something that could end the disagreement. Accepting how to resolve the issue is simpler than resolving it directly, and it is important to reach a solution that works for both of you.
Step 9. Celebrate the conclusion
You were full of anger and you thought that the discussion would never be resolved, you listened to each other and managed to unravel the problem. It's time to choose a gesture to celebrate your success: a laugh, a joke that underlines the misunderstanding, or a handshake, and why not? A drink.
Advice
- Stop feeling on the "right" side. Trying to always be right is the way to keep discussions going on forever. If people don't try to accommodate each other, the disagreement may never end. There is a saying that says "do you prefer to be right or to be happy?" Behave with humility.
- Forgive. If the person did something that offended or hurt you, try to forgive even if they didn't apologize. Express your disappointment, but with phrases that suggest your message without triggering a negative reaction.
- If the other person raises his voice, one tactic to invite him to stop is to ask "why are you screaming?" at that point he will begin to reflect, perhaps asking himself "why am I screaming?" The conversation will then proceed better.
- Apologize. If there is something you can do to apologize, do it. Even if you think you haven't done anything wrong. You can apologize for the reaction that your words and your actions have triggered in the other. Sometimes a gesture of apology is enough to disarm pride and frustration, or maybe it was all that the other person was waiting for. Arguments often fade away the moment the first word of apology is uttered.
- Learn to handle non-violent communication. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and express your point of view, try to identify what are the real needs behind your discussion. Propose what the other person could do rather than push the other to retract or continue to point out "who is right and who is wrong".
- Shift the focus to something positive. Think of an activity that both of you might like. At first you may feel embarrassed but as the residual anger fades you will have fun. Laugh about it and the discussion will now be a closed chapter.
Warnings
- There are people who are looking forward to provoking others and sparking discussions. When you recognize these subjects, turn away.
- Avoid words that generalize the situation too much, for example do not use "always" or "never" in an argument. The use of these terms can amplify tension and disagreement.
- The quickest way to end a discussion is to agree with the other and agree even if you are not at all. This is fine when you don't want to have any relationship with that person. Pretending to agree is not a healthy way to manage relationships as much as a tactic to escape, especially if it is an important discussion. He is not respectful and leads to resentment, because he is not convinced of the decision made. So, if you have reached the limit and do not find a solution that you agree with, close the dispute with a sentence like this "at the moment this is what I think about the situation. You can accept it or take it badly, but in any case they don't want to continue discussing it”.
- Do not belittle the other person and do not ridicule their opinion. Mocking is not a constructive action and in response the other will begin to use the same tone towards you!
