Losing a spouse is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. You feel completely paralyzed, in shock: it is as if the world has stopped. Losing your loved one changes your life entirely, especially when she was also your best friend. You feel lost and trapped, struggling to make even the smallest decisions. But you have to remember one thing: just as a wound heals over time, the pain will also go away. This does not mean that you will not have scars, but that it is certainly possible to continue living. Many people suffer great losses, but after some time they still manage to find ways to have a rich, full and meaningful life - you can do it too.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Say Goodbye
Step 1. Remember that you will probably go through phases
Not everyone experiences each of these stages, and not everyone goes through them in the same order, but you can experience a combination of denial, anger, resentment, longing, suffering, sadness, and, ultimately, acceptance. In addition to not experiencing them in order, it is possible to go through them repeatedly while dealing with grief.
Allow yourself to feel the pain and work through these steps to overcome them. Don't try to mask your emotions
Step 2. Fulfill any requests your loved one explicitly made before you leave
If she died suddenly and didn't make any requests, think of some ideas to honor her memory. This could give you greater peace of mind and guarantees you to start a new life without any mental obstacles. You can make it a recurring practice, or you can honor your wife just once and then commit to moving on. Here's what you could do:
- Light a candle.
- Bring flowers to his grave and talk to him. Share your thoughts.
- Dedicate yourself to an activity you loved doing together, while at the same time remembering all the strengths of your loved one.
Step 3. Remember that it will take some time for you to start feeling normal again
The pain will not vanish into thin air and it will not go away by itself. Be patient with yourself as you go through the process. Mourning is a journey. It lasts as long as you need to reconcile with every single issue regarding the sphere of death, your loved one, yourself, the positive and negative parts of the relationship.
Step 4. Learn to distinguish the difference between pain and depression
They may look quite similar, but they are definitely different. It is important to know the difference, so that if the pain turns into depression, you can seek help from a therapist.
- During the bereavement phase, you may face the following: sadness, despair, deep pain, fatigue or low energy, tears, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, poor concentration, happy and sad memories, mild guilt.
- If you are depressed, you can experience the classic symptoms of pain, but also feelings of worthlessness or emptiness, helplessness, extreme guilt, suicidal thoughts, lack of interest in pleasant activities, great fatigue and / or severe weight loss.
- Observe how the good memories associated with your wife make you feel. Do they give you comfort or joy? Or do you feel so empty and lost that even good memories can't lift you? If this is the case, you may be depressed.
Step 5. Ignore those who tell you that you are not coping well with grief
What matters is how you feel. Losing a loved one is a private experience. There is no right or wrong answer, there is no universally suitable time to move on.
- If someone tells you that you are not dealing with grief properly, thank them for their concern and tell them that everyone experiences pain differently.
- Some may be of the opinion that you are recovering "too fast" or "too slowly" (and therefore you are sinking into pain). If that happens, keep in mind that it's up to you to decide when you're ready to move on, even if this person's intentions are good and he wants you to be okay.
Step 6. Remember that you have a choice
There are times when you need to cry and sink into suffering to be able to overcome it. There will come a time when you are ready to take control of the situation to heal and start living again. You had no choice in the face of losing your loved one, but you can decide how to react and how you intend to move forward with your life.
That said, with the loss of your loved one, your life has undergone radical changes. It's best not to make any other drastic changes right away while you're still grieving
Step 7. Don't be afraid to forget your loved one
Your love was so great that you stayed close to her until the end. It will always be with you. Take comfort in knowing that his memory will remain eternally within you and you will be able to find it whenever you want. Try to have a life full of things to do - this will help you on the path to healing.
Don't think that having commitments means forgetting her or disrespecting her. To live, you have to focus and work hard. It is normal to be busy, this is not a sign of abandonment
Part 2 of 2: Taking Care of Yourself
Step 1. Adopt a pet
According to some studies, those who have a four-legged friend witness a marked improvement in their well-being, a decrease in loneliness and an easing of worries (compared to those who do not own animals). If you don't have the energy to devote to a dog, consider adopting a cat. It can be a great companion. It is clean and should not be taken outside. It will give you love and affection. You will be able to take care of him and you will love him. He will greet you when you get home and sit on your lap while you watch television. If cats aren't your thing, choose a dog or any other pet that makes you happy, makes you feel good, and fills your days.
Remember that a pet will not replace your wife, that is not his goal. But it can make you smile and listen when you feel like talking to fill a lonely day
Step 2. Volunteer when you are ready or have energy
Give your time to a cause you truly believe in. Helping others can be very rewarding on a personal level. In fact, some studies show that volunteering makes you happier.
Don't rush - at first, volunteer for just one hour a week and see how it goes. Increase your availability as you feel ready
Step 3. Anticipate the factors that trigger pain
When events such as your loved one's birthday or certain holidays approach, you may feel a particularly intense sadness. Also, you need to know that certain places, smells or sounds associated with her can make you sad. This is normal, but you can do something to mitigate the pain.
- For example, if you went shopping together in a certain supermarket, you could change shops to avoid being overwhelmed by sadness.
- Or, you may be in pain as you walk past their favorite ice cream shop. Try to avoid it by taking a different route. If this is not possible, it is best to take the time to deal with the painful emotions that arise due to certain factors. For example, leave the house a few minutes earlier than usual so that you can express your pain in the privacy of your car.
- You may not know the triggers until you are faced with one. Once you've spotted one, make a note of it so you can come up with a plan to tackle the next few episodes.
Step 4. Don't neglect your health
Pain can take a toll on the body. To counteract its effects and stave off depression, make sure you exercise regularly, eat healthy, drink plenty of water, take your prescribed medications, and get enough sleep each night so that you feel refreshed and awake the next day.
- You should aim for 30 minutes of aerobic exercise per day.
- Try to have a balanced diet consisting of lean meats, nuts, whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Avoid overdoing it with fats or sugars.
- The amount of water you should drink daily depends on many factors, but aim to consume about eight glasses a day. But if you can't do it, don't feel bad: it is not necessary to be fiscal.
- Aim to get about seven to eight hours of sleep a night. Adjust to your needs so you feel well rested in the morning.
Step 5. Avoid using alcohol or drugs to cope with pain
They may be tempting, but if you drink or consume drugs in an attempt to overcome the loss, you risk feeling more anxious and depressed than before. This is because alcohol and numerous types of drugs can trigger symptoms of depression and anxiety.
If you are a man, pay particular attention to alcohol abuse. It has been shown that men are more likely than women to drink to cope with a loss
Step 6. Become an active member of your community
Reaching out to others can help you overcome the loss. Acting dynamically is a way to become more socially present. In fact, some studies show that helping others can fight stress and strengthen bonds.
To participate, look for flyers in your neighborhood, ask your neighbors, or search the internet to find future events that you could attend
Step 7. Talk to a psychologist or psychotherapist
If you can, seek out a professional who specializes in grieving. In some cases, a specialist can help you overcome the pain and process the emotions you are facing.
Search the internet for a psychologist in your area
Step 8. Consider joining a self-help group
You may find it comforting to talk to other people who have suffered a loss. They could offer you perspectives that have gained from experiencing this experience firsthand.
You can search for self-help groups online, by asking your psychologist or psychotherapist, or by browsing your local newspaper
Step 9. Do what you've always dreamed of doing
Once enough time has passed and you have moved on, take the opportunity to make a big change so that you can start living with enthusiasm again. It is the right time to do it! You can become anyone you want: an artist, a pilot or a diver. Take a trip in a hot air balloon and try new experiences.
Above all, try to be happy and fulfilled. Your dreams can come true and help you fill a void in your life. You will meet new people and understand that life can be satisfying and exciting even if you no longer have your loved one by your side
Advice
- Remember that you are not alone.
- Try seeing a psychotherapist who specializes in grieving or joining a self-help group.
- If you are considering suicide, there are better alternatives. Talk to someone about the pain you are going through that makes you believe suicide is the only way to get rid of it. Be willing to talk about your problem.
- Once you are no longer a member of a couple, your married friends may drift apart. It's sad, but it happens sometimes. Open up to the possibility of making new friends.
- Offer your help to the younger members of your family, your children or grandchildren to focus on what really matters in life and keep you moving.
- Rearrange your souvenirs and photos so you don't find them in front of you when you walk into the house. Buy new items that create a joyful atmosphere, which gradually make the house your own.
- Create posters with positive phrases from pain books and place them in a visible spot in the house.
